And then JK Rowling comes out at the end and admits that, yes, she is trying to convert the world's children to satanism

Secrets of the new "Harry Potter" movie:

• Hermione officially switches to her Kaballah name, Esther.
• A strange spell turns all the major characters sullen and lanky.
• Key line of dialogue: “Goblet of Fire … Goblet … Of course! Ron, Hermione -- it’s not Goblet … it’s Giblets!” (Cue giant, three-headed turkey.)
• Voldemort reveals he is Harry’s father; mother was Natalie Portman.
• Something fishy about that new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher …
• Actor who played Ron (above) replaced by guy who played Napoleon Dynamite.
• Hagrid … gay?
• Turns out the lightning-shaped scar actually a temporary tattoo.
• Climax is battle to the death among Harry Potter, Col. Potter from "M*A*S*H" and Mr. Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Harry wins, mostly because the other guys are wicked old.