Tuesday, June 26, 2012

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Romney To Move US In New Direction Via Tugboats

DAYTON (CAP) - Claiming President Obama's policies are bringing us "closer to Europe," GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney says that if elected, he will move the country in a new direction using a fleet of giant tugboats and massive cables affixed to the West Coast.

"Every day, President Obama's failed economic policies are taking us squarely in the direction of Europe," Romney told a crowd during a campaign event in Troy, Ohio. "As soon as I get into office I will start moving this country in a new direction, namely west.
Noticing the horrified looks from his aides, he quickly added, "Er, not me, of course ... other people."

Although he admitted the prospect of dragging an entire country even a short distance was "a massive undertaking," Romney said, "most Americans are looking for a new direction, and as my father used to say, there's nothing we can't do if we have the right leadership and enough tugboats."

Romney said the project would also be a job creator, noting they'd have to manufacture hundreds of massive tugboats approximately three to four times larger than a typical ocean liner, as well as miles and miles of super-high-tensile cable.

"Plus some kind of really long stakes or something to tie it to, probably," he said.

The proposal comes on the heels of criticism that Romney has spent too much time criticizing the president's "failed policies" without offering concrete plans of his own. In recent weeks he has also proposed programs that would:

- Employ thousands of carpenters, woodworkers and tree surgeons to make all the trees in the U.S. the "right height."

- Provide citizenship cards, driver's licenses, voter registration and Spotify accounts to all corporations, on the grounds that they are people.

- Install airtight dog carriers on the top of every American-made vehicle.

"And they work for your grandchildren too!" Romney quipped.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Thursday, June 21, 2012

At Large Fake News Thursday: 7 Arrests In Susan Boyle, Diana Krall Entourage Brawl

NEW YORK (CAP) - Police are still trying to determine the causes and culprits behind last weekend's bottle-throwing brawl between the drunken, swearing entourages of singers Susan Boyle and Diana Krall.

Police have yet to establish what sparked the incident at Manhattan's Carnegie Club Cocktail and Smoking Lounge, but if either Boyle or Krall were directly involved then charges will be filed, said NYPD spokesman Paul Brownie.

"We don't care how emotive your interpretation of I Dreamed A Dream is, or how stunning your contralto vocals are," said Brownie. "You attack a half-dozen smooth jazz and easy listening enthusiasts with bottles, you're going downtown."

Seven people were arrested immediately following the melee, including Krall's yoga instructor, feng shui expert and her two personal Reiki practioners, and Boyle's nutritionist, hair consultant and a woman who follows her everywhere and cries when she performs Autumn Leaves.

According to sources close to the club, Krall had sent Boyle's party a bottle of Chivas Regal, and Boyle, or someone in her entourage, responded by sending Krall a note saying, Don't you think you should sell a few more records before you go spending that kind of brass on boozy-woozy, dear?

"That's when the bottles started flying," said the source.

San Antonio Spurs player Tony Parker, who was at the club after attending a performance of Broadway's Sister Act, was injured when one of Krall's cronies squirted him in the eye with the juice from a lime and elderflower martini.

"I went right to the emergency room," said Parker, wearing an eye patch, a neck brace and some sort of gauze turban, and choking up at the trauma of being caught in the brawl. "Now I'm going to have to watch the new production of Porgy And Bess with one eye," he sighed.

The feud between Boyle and Krall has apparently been long simmering, and recalls the 2011 incident when members of Lady Gaga's entourage shot at "Weird Al" Yankovic from sparklers attached to their bosoms, and another earlier this year when Jimmy Fallon, Brian Williams and Jon Stewart got into a massive brawl over Bruce Springsteen's attention.

"And don't forget the feud between Sting and everybody else in the music business," commented two former members of The Police who declined to be named.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Friday, June 15, 2012

Column: An open letter to beachgoers

Welcome to the beach! Your comfort and safety are of primary importance during your visit here, and with that in mind, we ask that you follow these simple guidelines in order to ensure a memorable stay for all visitors.

1) Blanket location: We value togetherness here at the beach! Feel free to put your blanket as close as possible to the people next to you, even if there’s plenty of space around. If you’re not sure whether you’re close enough, take this simple test: If you were to roll over, would your head be in the lap of the person on the next blanket? If not, you’re not close enough!

2) Music and talking: If you bring a radio to the beach, make sure to play it at top volume. Otherwise, it might be difficult for the people around you to determine whether you’re a fan of punk, hardcore, ska or adult contemporary selections, such as “Escape (The PiƱa Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes.

Similarly, if you’re using a cell phone, please talk as loudly as possible so as to best share your conversation with your beach-mates. Having a fight with your significant other? Need to discuss your prognosis? Like to swear? We want to know! If possible, please also try to gesticulate wildly.

3) Swimwear: First and foremost, we want you to be comfortable during your time here. That might mean wearing a bathing suit one, two or three sizes too small — the choice is yours! And gentlemen, remember: The lo-rise Speedo is not just for remote Greek islands anymore. (We’re talking to you, Grandpa!)

Also, please keep in mind that you didn’t get all those tattoos so that nobody could ogle them. We’re just saying.

4) Children: When you bring your children to the beach, that’s a great time to take a break — your blanket neighbors will be more than happy to police your youngsters. Also, beachwear is optional for the little ones: A soggy diaper is fine, or just let them go au natural. That means naked!

If your children are playing with recreational items such as Frisbees, baseballs or Jarts, we ask that they try to yell out a friendly “heads up!” before throwing or hitting those items into a throng of sleeping beachgoers, at least every third time.

5) Sand procedures: When running on the beach, kick those toes in deep to best propel sand into other beachgoers’ blanket areas. This is essential to ensuring that visitors go home with soothing ocean sand in their eyes and food and lodged deep into the recesses of their bathing trunks, among other places.

6) Food: Whatever you may bring to the beach to eat — be it grapes or Cheez Doodles or a tremendous sausage sandwich that drips peppers and onions out of the bun onto your bare torso when you take a bite out of it — make sure to leave it unwrapped. That way all your fellow visitors can enjoy the beauty of nature up close when hundreds of seagulls swoop down to devour your leftovers, squawking how you might imagine a thousand burning souls would scream in hell. Fun!

7) Horseplay: When you pick up your girlfriend to drop her in the water and she squeals and squeals and squeals? We love that.

Thank you for your cooperation; by following these simple beach procedures, we’re sure you’ll have a fine and relaxing stay here by the water! As for the rest of us, we’ll be at the movies.

Monday, June 11, 2012

At Large Fake News Monday: Guy Who Keeps Track Of IP Addresses Is Exhausted

CAMBRIDGE (CAP) - When Fred Lohman entered the fledgling Internet Protocol (IP) address accounting business in 1978, he was excited to be getting in on the ground floor of a new industry.

"And it was pretty light work too, at the time," recalls Lohman, now 64. "Basically unless some new mainframe went online at some college somewhere, I pretty much had the day to myself."

But that was then - today, with 4 billion addresses and counting, keeping track of IPs is a lot more complicated than it was in 1978. That's when MIT hired Lohman at a rate of $2.65 per hour and gave him a crisp, leather-bound ledger to record new IP addresses as they came in.

"These days the ledgers are covered with plastic or whatever you call this material ... pleather maybe?" says Lohman, holding up one of the thousands of books he's filled with addresses just in the last week.

Although it's certainly within MIT's reach to record the addresses digitally, Lohman prefers to keep up with the work the way he's always done it: by hand.

There's something about the feel of writing a new address with a fresh ball-point pen, or maybe a felt-tip marker," he says, continuing to record IP addresses for dozens of new computers, smartphones, video game systems and tablets while he talks.

"I don't sleep more than two hours most nights, and I haven't taken a vacation since 1992," Lohman admitted, still writing numbers in his distinctive scrawl. "But it's worth it."

Unfortunately, a new development in the industry has even Lohman wondering if the loving craftsmanship he's brought to IP address accounting may soon be a thing of the past. With the institution of the new IP standard IPv6, the number of potential IP addresses grew from this week from 4.3 billion to 340 undecillion, or 340 trillion trillion trillion.

"Who even knew undecillion was an actual thing?" Lohman asked, shaking his head while feverishly writing down the IP addresses for some of the hundreds of new cars, wristwatches and washing machines with Internet connections. "That's gonna take a lot of ledgers."

[Read the rest at CAP News]