At Large Fake News Tuesday: Romney Condemns Gay Marriage At PFLAG Meeting

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh off his appearance in front of the NAACP, where he was roundly booed for criticizing President Barack Obama, GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney appeared before the national chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) to talk about his opposition of same-sex marriage.

"Marriage is between a man and a woman, and that's that," Romney told the crowd yesterday, prompting more than 40 simultaneous "glitter bombs" that left him sparkly for the rest of the speech.

It's one in a series of Romney campaign appearances that have prompted less than enthusiastic responses from the audience. Other recent incidents include:

- A stop at the annual convention for the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) in Corpus Christi, where Romney said, "What we need is policy that will get all you people to self-deport yourselves. Who's with me?" The statement was met with stony silence, followed by a smattering of boos and finally a wrestler in a blue mask who tried to catapult himself off the ropes on top of Romney and was restrained by bodyguards.

- A speech for the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations (CoP), where Romney told the crowd, "Israel is a great ally of the United States, even if I don't agree with your religion, its odd customs or its lack of special underpants. Also, Barbra Streisand - what's the appeal there?" This prompted the entire crowd to declare "Oy!" and slap its foreheads in unison.

- An address before the National Organization for Women that Romney opened up by saying, "Thanks for taking the time to leave your kitchens and come see me. So what do you chicks do around here for fun?" He was then pelted by burning bras.

- An appearance at the National Poverty Center at which he just said "Get a job!" and left.

Some have questioned Romney's judgment in addressing these groups, but conservative pundits say he's likely offending them on purpose to stir up his base. "Or at least the portion of his base that can't stand blacks, gays, immigrants or women," said TV and radio host Sean Hannity. "You know, real Americans."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Romney To Move US In New Direction Via Tugboats

DAYTON (CAP) - Claiming President Obama's policies are bringing us "closer to Europe," GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney says that if elected, he will move the country in a new direction using a fleet of giant tugboats and massive cables affixed to the West Coast.

"Every day, President Obama's failed economic policies are taking us squarely in the direction of Europe," Romney told a crowd during a campaign event in Troy, Ohio. "As soon as I get into office I will start moving this country in a new direction, namely west.

 

"Every inch we move this nation away from Europe is another inch away from socialism and debt crisis," Romney added. "Plus, we'll be that much closer to China, where we've sent most of our jobs."

 

Noticing the horrified looks from his aides, he quickly added, "Er, not me, of course ... other people."

Although he admitted the prospect of dragging an entire country even a short distance was "a massive undertaking," Romney said, "most Americans are looking for a new direction, and as my father used to say, there's nothing we can't do if we have the right leadership and enough tugboats."

Romney said the project would also be a job creator, noting they'd have to manufacture hundreds of massive tugboats approximately three to four times larger than a typical ocean liner, as well as miles and miles of super-high-tensile cable.

"Plus some kind of really long stakes or something to tie it to, probably," he said.

The proposal comes on the heels of criticism that Romney has spent too much time criticizing the president's "failed policies" without offering concrete plans of his own. In recent weeks he has also proposed programs that would:

- Employ thousands of carpenters, woodworkers and tree surgeons to make all the trees in the U.S. the "right height."

- Provide citizenship cards, driver's licenses, voter registration and Spotify accounts to all corporations, on the grounds that they are people.

- Install airtight dog carriers on the top of every American-made vehicle.

"And they work for your grandchildren too!" Romney quipped.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Romney To Launch 'Capitalism Comedy Tour'

MILWAUKEE (CAP) - Convinced that injecting some levity will help his bumpy GOP presidential primary bid, front-runner Mitt Romney has dubbed his remaining campaign stops to be a Capitalism Comedy Tour, and promises to show through the use of "funny, humor-like statements" the value his business background would bring to the White House.

His new strategy started off with a bang last week, when he told a "humorous anecdote" about the time his father closed a Michigan factory, laying off all the workers, and moved it to Wisconsin. "And if you think that's bad, when I got my hands on it I moved it to China! Hoo-hah!" added Romney.

"Just kidding, just kidding," he said. "I didn't move it to China. I leeched all the money out of it, liquidated it and flipped it for a profit!"

"Er ... Is this thing on?" he added.

Romney's new strategy drew immediate fire from his GOP rivals, particularly former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, who declared that "everybody knows" he's the funny one. "Just ask my first two wives!" he said. "Boo-ya!"

Asked if that means he was joking about his planned moon colony, Gingrich responded that he was actually dead serious about that.

As for former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, he called Romney "the least funny Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama."

Confronted later by reporters about the statement, he insisted that he'd been taken out of context, swore at them, and, taking a page from 2008 presidential contender John McCain, slaughtered them in a bloody, violent rage.

As for Ron Paul, he responded to news of Romney's comedy plan by telling a joke: "Hey, whatever happened to me?" he asked, and then broke down in tears.

Romney, meanwhile, continues to hone his material on the road. "So a corporation walks into a bar," he told a crowd in Racine yesterday. "Bartender says, we don't serve your kind in here. Corporation says, hey, corporations are people too! Hey-yo!"

He followed that up with, "The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, and he had no insurance, so he died. Hey heidi ho!"

Later that day in Madison, he said, "So my gardener walks in my house the other day and says he's not making enough to feed his family. So I said, you're fired! I like being able to fire people. Hey bo diddley!"

The joke failed to get a laugh, although most in the crowd agreed the drummer playing rim shots was a nice touch.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]