tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-112806902024-03-23T14:13:50.667-04:00The At Large BlogHumor, pets, parenting, pop culture, media ... <br> although not necessarily in that order.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.comBlogger934125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-8930762428850933092014-03-27T08:33:00.001-04:002014-03-27T08:41:51.077-04:00WE'VE MOVED!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The At Large Blog is no more, but never fear: You can pick up the action over at <a href="http://northofboston.wickedlocal.com/section/blogs01?taxid=2301" target="_blank">Pete's Pop Culture, Parenting & Pets Blog</a>. Meanwhile, we will keep the At Large Blog archives available here to be pored over by subsequent generations.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-79811862611905645152013-05-14T18:01:00.001-04:002013-05-14T18:03:06.848-04:00Column: For Roger Ebert, sometimes bad was bad<div class="entry-content-pagination">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioycBfjwZ1UiS270Xp5vw8zI6G8TFy8hjT75TrGNCzjGY4UGDYM-hB63Ju0jQC5VxrIdvIA0Og7_uklVrFXaZqOXT9wuGmxpig1HpE_ZY-JpchoDg6TKgWmv140fSqe9E0kysh/s1600/22764+MA_NS_roger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="331" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioycBfjwZ1UiS270Xp5vw8zI6G8TFy8hjT75TrGNCzjGY4UGDYM-hB63Ju0jQC5VxrIdvIA0Og7_uklVrFXaZqOXT9wuGmxpig1HpE_ZY-JpchoDg6TKgWmv140fSqe9E0kysh/s400/22764+MA_NS_roger.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Reading about bad movies should not be this melancholy an experience.<br />
<br />
After all, the whole point of reading Roger Ebert's collections of zero- to two-star reviews is to revel in the ineptitude (“<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-last-airbender-2010" target="_blank">The Last Airbender</a>”), the excess (“<a href="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/battle-los-angeles-2011&sa=U&ei=FHSKUbeYMuiD0QH0soDgBA&ved=0CAcQFjAA&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNFSQ4kXcM0vo5em6l--oizq9sWyDg" target="_blank">Battle: Los Angeles</a>”), the sheer, well, BADNESS (“<a href="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/basic-instinct-2-2006&sa=U&ei=h3WKUdnVA8m30AHu54CYBQ&ved=0CAcQFjAA&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNEBDKm9LkEEr3mSawtYWDpSkY_EZQ">Basic Instinct 2</a>,” pretty much <a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/cast-and-crew/adam-sandler" target="_blank">anything featuring Adam Sandler</a>) of the cinematic misfires catalogued therein.<br />
He's published three: "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hated-This-Movie/dp/0740706721/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1329185832&sr=1-1">I Hated Hated Hated This Movie</a>," the more succinctly titled "<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/new-from-ebert-your-movie-sucks">Your Movie Sucks</a>," and his latest -- the one I’m working through now -- "<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/balder-and-dash/intro-a-horrible-experience-of-unbearable-length" target="_blank">A Horrible Experience of Unbearable Length</a>.”<br />
<br />
Of course, this latest volume has a sad distinction the other two
didn’t, in that it's his last. As you probably know, Ebert passed away
April 4 -- eerily enough, about a week after I ordered the book, and
just a day before it arrived in my mailbox.<br />
<br />
For a while, I’ll admit I avoided opening it. I’ve read most of Ebert’s books -- from his early collections to his “<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/great-movies" target="_blank">Great Movies</a>” series to his fantastic memoir “<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/balder-and-dash/memory-how-my-memoir-life-itself-opens" target="_blank">Life Itself</a>”
-- and I couldn’t stand the idea of there not being another to add to
my shelf after I finished this one. But I could resist for only so long,
and less than halfway through it I’ve already found myself LOL-ing over
lines like these:<br />
<br />
“<a href="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/all-about-steve-2009&sa=U&ei=n3eKUcjqM7S30gGpl4GIAg&ved=0CAcQFjAA&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNG45KXBRRGfBKGf-4x7X15EYhQUng" target="_blank">All About Steve</a>”:
“How does [Sandra Bullock] choose her material? If she does it herself,
she needs an agent. If it’s done by an agent, she needs to do it
herself.”<br />
<br />
“<a href="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/conan-the-barbarian-2011&sa=U&ei=tXeKUeL7DsHD0QHz8ICwAg&ved=0CAkQFjAB&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNH9kmPJDZUnLztPx93pk9kWPaCfrw" target="_blank">Conan the Barbarian</a>”:
“The film ends with a very long battle involving Conan, Khalar Zym,
Tamara, and Marique, a sentence I never thought I’d write.”<br />
<br />
“<a href="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/footloose-2011&sa=U&ei=cXiKUYLqIorZ0wG424DoAQ&ved=0CAcQFjAA&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNGxNGTtLmPAtID6Xj1xkNqJWr_N1A" target="_blank">Footloose</a>”: “The film’s message is this: A bad movie, if faithfully remade, will produce another bad movie.”<br />
<br />
“<a href="https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/hatchet-ii-2010&sa=U&ei=iHiKUZOCNabJ0gHWw4C4Dg&ved=0CAcQFjAA&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNE90ZiD_CjaVkAa5KsEau1k8LtxCw" target="_blank">Hatchet II”</a>:
“Tickets are not cheap and time is fleeting. Why would you choose this
one? That’s a good topic for a long, thoughtful talk with yourself in
the mirror.”<br />
<br />
Even as much as I’ve loved Ebert’s work, I had no intention of writing a
tribute to him -- plenty of other, better writers (and a few worse
ones) did that soon after he passed. But as I’ve been reading this last
collection, it’s had me rethinking what’s drawn me to his writing over
the years.<br />
<br />
Like everybody else who wasn’t a reader of the Chicago Sun-Times, I
first discovered Ebert on television -- I actually watched him on PBS as
a kid, when he and Gene Siskel would sometimes discuss a single movie
for 10 minutes, and there always seemed to be a very real risk (hope?)
that they would finally come to blows. By the time they were <a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/balder-and-dash/letterman-siskel-and-ebert-go-door-to-door-in-new-jersey" target="_blank">following David Letterman around suburban neighborhoods on “Late Night,”</a> “Siskel & Ebert” seemed more like TV characters than critics.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oavKjS5MfmA" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
But like a lot of other Ebert fans, I eventually came around to his
writing -- and could he ever write. His reviews weren’t Film Quarterly
think pieces, typed a few lines at a time in between thoughtful stares
out the window and sips of mineral water: They were tight epistles
written on a daily deadline, which made their insight and wit all the
more impressive.<br />
<br />
And it’s true there were a lot of movies he didn’t like -- but his
reviews of those films weren’t nasty, even if some people went about
collecting “<a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/40-hilariously-mean-roger-ebert-reviews/" target="_blank">Ebert’s meanest reviews</a>”
after he died. Instead, his incredulous plot-skewerings and sardonic
observations were more like a tribute to the good movies stuck inside
those bad ones, struggling to get out. (Well, maybe not “Hatchet II,”
but the other ones.)<br />
<br />
What I’m realizing now more than ever is that Ebert knew that movies
could be trenchant, transcendent, even life-changing -- like any number
of the subjects of his “Great Movies” essays, from “<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-casablanca-1942" target="_blank">Casablanca</a>” to “<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-vertigo-1958" target="_blank">Vertigo</a>” to “<a href="http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-taxi-driver-1976" target="_blank">Taxi Driver</a>.”
So movies that lazily squandered their opportunity to even try to reach
those heights made him downright angry -- and made him feel like if the
movie refused to entertain, he would at least make sure his review did.<br />
<br />
In fact, given his pure love of the craft, it’s hard not to appreciate
the sacrifice he went through: suffering through enough bad movies to
fill three volumes, so we didn’t have to.<br />
<br />
And for that, I felt a need to offer my belated thanks. I’ll probably
never see most of the movies in "A Horrible Experience of Unbearable
Length,” but I’ll likely want to pull the book from my shelf through the
years and read the reviews again, and again. Though he may be gone,
Roger’s reviews of films both good and bad -- thanks to his uncanny
ability to tap directly into the heart of how movies can move us, and
how we feel on those occasions when they don’t -- will never get old.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, you can’t say the same about “Footloose.” (Either version.)<br />
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Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-2383677449627432692013-05-07T06:43:00.000-04:002013-05-08T14:45:44.625-04:00MUSIC: Frank Turner shows his scars on 'Tape Deck Heart'
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It seems that Frank Turner is feeling a little run-down these days.<br />
<br />
Not that you’d know from his music -- his explosion of folk-punk and
salty balladry is as fresh and expressive as ever. But on his new album
“<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tape-Deck-Heart-Deluxe-Edition/dp/B00BN3AUA8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368038716&sr=8-1&keywords=tape+deck+heart" target="_blank">Tape Deck Heart</a>” (Interscope), his lyrics are rife with allusions to
personal scars both emotional and literal, a cocktail of frustration,
desperation and scorching defiance that makes for one of his most
pungent collections to date.<br />
<br />
The rough-and-tumble odes to love and country on Turner’s last disc,
2011’s “England Keep My Bones,” seemed almost regal in comparison to the
loud but downtrodden laments on "Tape Deck Heart.” “I’ve been dipping
in my darkness for serotonin boosters, cider and some kind of smelling
salts,” shouts the emotionally ailing narrator of “Recovery,” and it’s
the winding trip down the “long road out to recovery from here” that
provides the album’s backbone.<br />
<br />
Turner’s always at his best when marrying punk sensibility with folk
melodies, and these tracks are no exception. On “Four Simple Words,” the
album’s nod to rock ’n’ roll salvation, music hall piano gives way to
full-out punk frenzy as he dismisses fair-weather rock fans: “If the
hipsters move on why should I give a f--?” he asks, and who can argue?<br />
<br />
In fact, there seems to be a new resignation in the profanity of “Tape
Deck Heart”: “Plain Sailing Weather” is another driving shouter in which
Turner simultaneously brags and laments his ability to “f-- up
anything,” and the F-bombs also fly in the folky lost-opportunity ballad
“Good & Gone,” landing squarely on Hollywood (and, oddly, Motley
Crue) for promoting false expectations among dreamers.<br />
<br />
Turner’s ire and melancholy is mostly reserved, though, for the women,
past and present, who’ve abandoned him, let him down or otherwise
slipped out the back: the nameless girl of “The Way I Tend To Be” whose
perfume he detects in a crowded space; Amy on “Tell Tale Signs,” who’s
taken to task for the scars she’s left and for refusing to grow up; his
fellow “sinking ship” on the wistful “Anymore,” whom he’s finally gotten
the nerve to tell how he doesn’t feel.<br />
<br />
All of this makes “Tape Deck Heart” sound like a downer, and it does
have its tough moments. But something about Turner’s spirited delivery
and anthemic arrangements pushes it, finally, into the realm of the
hopeful.<br />
<br />
To paraphrase one of his earlier songs, Turner still believes in the
healing power of rock ’n’ roll, old friends and even true love, if
you’re lucky enough to track it down. Being able to follow him on his
rough and rambling search for it is a tonic in and of itself.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-46007108272428158802013-04-29T14:28:00.000-04:002013-05-08T14:29:19.840-04:00At Large Fake News Monday: 'Splash' Mishaps Jeopardize 'Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/stories/2013/201304/201304010full.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="http://www.cap-news.com/stories/2013/201304/201304010full.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - An injury suffered by <span style="font-style: italic;">Baywatch</span> star Nicole Eggert on ABC's reality diving show <span style="font-style: italic;">Splash</span> - the latest in a series of mishaps on the set - has producers rethinking plans to go forward with <span style="font-style: italic;">Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling</span>, set for debut this fall.<br />
<br />
"Up until now, we hadn't really thought beyond the fact that putting
B-level celebrities in situations where they could be gravely injured or
killed was ratings gold," noted <span style="font-style: italic;">Chainsaw</span> producer Martin Shafer. "Well, okay, C-level celebrities."<br />
<br />
However, "We never really thought about what would happen if they were <span style="font-style: italic;">actually</span> gravely injured or killed," Shafer said, acknowledging that it would probably still boost ratings, but only temporarily.<br />
<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-style: italic;">Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling</span> was set to feature actors <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201301018">Dustin Diamond</a>, <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201106009">Tara Reid</a> and <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201201002">Reginald VelJohnson</a>, singer <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200704007">Courtney Love</a>, Ukrainian pentathlete Boris Onishchenko, "<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201008005">Cathy</a>" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite and former CBS anchor Dan Rather, whose <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200606022">2006 reality show with O.J. Simpson</a> was cancelled after three episodes.<br />
<br />
In the show, world famous juggler Michael Moschen was to train the
celebrities on dangerous juggling tricks, starting with maces and axes
and working their way up to flaming chainsaws.<br />
<br />
"It probably wouldn't be good if Dan Rather wound up on the business end
of a flaming chainsaw on national TV," admitted Shafer, noting that if
it were Sam Donaldson it would be a different story.<br />
<br />
[<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/report.php?id=201304010" target="_blank"><i>Read the rest at CAP News</i></a>.] Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-91125023337874606562013-04-12T14:23:00.000-04:002013-05-08T14:25:13.499-04:00Column: Netflix remedies our sharing shortage<div class="entry-content-pagination">
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<a href="http://d2om8tvz4lgco4.cloudfront.net/archive/x710891427/g12c000000000000000d4a5a51df8aac77f4e75b9f39173c9d96a196f27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://d2om8tvz4lgco4.cloudfront.net/archive/x710891427/g12c000000000000000d4a5a51df8aac77f4e75b9f39173c9d96a196f27.jpg" /></a></div>
Yes, my life SEEMED complete -- I was already sharing every song I listened to on Spotify and every book I read on Goodreads,
so that the full breadth of my cultural savvy could be consumed
instantaneously by all my friends and acquaintances. No need to thank me
-- your awed admiration for my good taste is all the appreciation I
need.<br />
<br />
But I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing, and as soon as I got the press release from <a href="http://www.netflix.com/" target="_blank">Netflix</a>,
I knew what it was: a “new Netflix/Facebook integration” that “lets
Netflix members see what their friends have watched.” That sound you
just heard was thousands of closet “<a href="http://www.eonline.com/on/shows/bridalplasty/index.html" target="_blank">Bridalplasty</a>”
watchers fainting from embarrassment. (You know, the show where
brides-to-be compete for free plastic surgery. And no, that is not a
typo.)<br />
<br />
I’ll admit I was skeptical at first, given that most Netflix press
releases involve them charging you more money for less service and
expecting you to thank them for it. But this time they’ve hit it right
on the head: What Netflix needed was a way to share its users’ every
preference, rather than, say, movie choices that are better than these
actual films featured on my Netflix Instant homepage:<br />
<br />
<strong>“Bad Ass” (2012):</strong> “Loosely based on a true incident, this tale follows a lonely Vietnam vet who bravely takes on two menacing hoods on a bus.”<br />
<br />
<strong>“Fire When Ready” (2011):</strong> “A firefighter becomes an avenging angel when he challenges New York’s underworld with his bare hands and a hose.”<br />
<br />
<strong>“Iron Sky” (2012):</strong> “The Nazis retreated to the moon in 1945. Now, they're launching an invasion of Earth!”<br />
<br />
OK, one of those was fake -- but probably not the one you think.
Regardless, we’ll now have the opportunity to let our online friends
know the minute we’ve watched one of these fine movies, or inadvertently
clicked on one of them, an occurrence familiar to anyone who’s ever
accidentally watched 45 minutes of “<a href="http://www.ontheragmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/extreme-couponing-1024x585.jpg" target="_blank">Extreme Couponing</a>.” (Er, not me ... other people.)<br />
<br />
I of course signed up for this new feature immediately so that my
online friends would have the benefit of seeing my “Recently Watched”
queue, which currently contains the following:<br />
<br />
1) 10 old “Walking Dead” episodes<br />
<br />
2) That’s it.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, though, my friends are apparently embarrassed about
their viewing habits, or inexplicably opposed to broadcasting their
every move, because almost none of them have gotten on board. As a
result, my ability to “connect with friends over TV shows and movies”
has been sadly limited to one guy, we’ll call him Jeff, who apparently
likes pretty much all the same stuff I do. So ... Way to go, Jeff!<br />
<br />
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Meanwhile, while I wait for my other friends to sign up, I thought I
could suggest some additional services that could be useful if we’re
really going to reach our full sharing potential as a society. For
instance, something that broadcasts our prescription medications as soon
as they’re filled, so people can compare notes on their ailments and
treatments. (“OMG, I’m on clindamycin phosphate too!” etc.)<br />
<br />
Or maybe our supermarket purchases, so we know whether or not our friends are buying store-brand cereals (seriously, “<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_w12b56FETAk/Sb07mc1FMdI/AAAAAAAAASg/GC1OPvi9NcM/s320/storebrand+006.jpg" target="_blank">Crispy Hexagons</a>”?).
Or something that posts all of our bodily functions in real time,
because my 11-year-old son would find this hilarious. Or how about
sharing every article we read the minute we read it? Wait, they already
have that? (Note to self: Stop taking those <a href="http://www.cosmopolitan.com/quizzes-games/" target="_blank">online Cosmo quizzes</a>.)<br />
<br />
All of these would definitely come in handy, because let’s face it: At
the end of the day, we’re JUST NOT SHARING ENOUGH. If people don’t get
with the program, I’m going to have to do something crazy, like make my
movie decisions based on my own personal tastes. Well, and Jeff’s.<br />
<br />
Wonder what he would think of “Bad Ass”? Er ... I just clicked on it accidentally.</div>
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Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-67338125155828968352013-03-21T14:36:00.000-04:002013-05-08T14:36:47.240-04:00At Large Fake News Thursday: Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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WASHINGTON (CAP) - American Catholics this week, while generally
happy with the newly elected Pope Francis, expressed disappointment that
the new head of the Catholic Church insisted on espousing such Catholic
views.<br />
<br />
A new study out of the Pew Research Center said that while 74 percent of
American Catholics approve of Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio's
appointment as pontiff, almost 60 percent wished he held different views
on abortion, premarital sex, contraception and same-sex marriage.<br />
<br />
"Most respondents questioned why the pope has to be <span style="font-style: italic;">so darn Catholic</span>,
to use a phrase that came up over and over again," said Pew spokesman
Dr. Francis Spitznagel. In addition to those issues mentioned above,
most Catholics weren't thrilled with the new pope's views on adultery,
masturbation and "pretty much any of that sex stuff," said Spitznagel,
again quoting the study.<br />
<br />
"Just once I'd like to see a pope who didn't have a problem with
premarital sex," said Carole Thomson, 29, who describes herself as a
"devout Catholic" who nonetheless has never married and has had 19
sexual partners, some of them women.<br />
<br />
[<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201303006" target="_blank"><i>Read the rest at CAP News</i></a>.] Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-26374301632930855602013-02-27T14:47:00.002-05:002013-02-27T14:47:56.439-05:00Massachusetts State Rock Song: Why does no one ask us about these things?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbctlM9BDrN08tQvpePb6c79TWm-gJatFHl7MYB6G52zAO-kgs51t6oAbH_Kmf6QjzknVYmJwUJkQ-OuScW3suCD-WPKk8BzD4ZyztW_EobQ7cbdyWdXMpkJB6eIYoHsWRzmNg/s1600/Boston-the-band.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbctlM9BDrN08tQvpePb6c79TWm-gJatFHl7MYB6G52zAO-kgs51t6oAbH_Kmf6QjzknVYmJwUJkQ-OuScW3suCD-WPKk8BzD4ZyztW_EobQ7cbdyWdXMpkJB6eIYoHsWRzmNg/s200/Boston-the-band.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
It’s a controversy the likes of which we haven’t seen since the debate over the official Massachusetts donut (<a href="http://www.statesymbolsusa.org/Massachusetts/donut_bostoncream.html" target="_blank">Boston Crème, duh</a>): Legislators are <a href="http://www.patriotledger.com/news/x1433788494/Two-state-reps-say-Mass-should-honor-Aerosmith-song" target="_blank">grappling over what classic ditty should be crowed the state’s Official Rock Song</a>. How we’ve lived without one this long I’m not sure.<br />
<br />
The brouhaha began when state Rep. Marty Walsh, D-Dorchester proposed the state adopt “Roadrunner” by The Modern Lovers (fronted by Natick’s <a href="http://www.allmusic.com/artist/jonathan-richman-mn0000266255" target="_blank">Jonathan Richman</a>) as its official rock anthem.<br />
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On the plus side, the song includes a fair number of local references and declares, “I’m in love with Massachusetts.” On the other hand, the only people who actually know this song are that small subset of rock fans who were listening to WBCN in the summer of 1976 and weren’t so high that they’ve since forgotten everything they heard.<br />
<br />
Apparently unsatisfied with Walsh’s pick, state Reps. James Cantwell, D-Marshfield, and Josh Cutler, D-Duxbury, filed a bill Monday nominating Aerosmith’s “Dream On” for the honor. It’s obviously a slightly better known song, albeit lacking any Massachusetts-specific lyrics (or anything-specific lyrics … it’s basically just about singing, and dreaming, and more singing).<br />
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The reps cite how it was written by “Marshfield resident Steven Tyler,” but it’s worth noting that Tyler (nee Steven Tallerico) is actually … brace yourselves … a <i>native New Yorker</i>. (I know because my aunt went to high school with him in Yonkers. No, seriously.) Can we really have a state song written and sung by someone who grew up a Yankee fan? Also, when he sings “Dream on, dream on, dream on” at the end, windshields have been known to crack.<br />
<br />
The other problem with these picks is they display a clear south- (and southwest-) of Boston bias. Where’s the North Shore love? It’s time one of our local legislators jumped into the fray, and I have the perfect song to do it with: “Rock and Roll Band” by Boston. I lay out the argument here:<br />
<ol>
<li style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
It’s sung by Brad Delp, an actual native of Peabody.</li>
<li style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
It has a local reference, i.e. “just another band out of Boston.”</li>
<li style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
They may have <a href="http://ultimateclassicrock.com/boston-tom-scholz-herald-law-suit/" target="_blank">met a sad end</a>, but the band’s name is <i>Boston</i>, for crying out loud.<br />
<br />
</li>
</ol>
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<br />
So listen up, candidates in the <a href="http://eyeonpeabody.com/2013/01/03/dates-set-for-state-rep-special-election/" target="_blank">April 2 special election for Peabody’s new state rep</a>: Better make this your first order of business, before the state loses its ability to rock!</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-69820569003406394052013-02-21T07:00:00.000-05:002013-02-26T12:14:12.122-05:00Column: Putting the 'do' back in doo-wop<div class="entry-content-pagination">
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Hear ye, hear ye! I come in praise of the sh-booms! The shu-wops! The
bom-diddy-boms! The ring-a-dong-dings! (Well, not so much that last one,
but all those others.) I’m talking about doo-wop, that marriage of
R&B and early rock ’n’ roll that started on city street corners in
the 1950s and had doo-wah-diddied its way into the oldies bins by the
time the Beatles got here.<br />
<br />
I was reminded of my longtime romance with doo-wop by “<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Acapella/dp/B00BGDF3P2/ref=sr_shvl_album_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361288094&sr=301-1" target="_blank">Acapella</a>,”
the new album by Kenny Vance and the Planotones, which showed up in my
inbox earlier this month. Vance, a founding member of Jay & The
Americans, is clearly a man on a mission: He’s recorded some of these
classics before, but never sans instruments, and his sheer love and
appreciation for the songs is palpable — from the first bom-bom-bom of
The Cadillacs’ “Zoom” to the last “wee-hee-eee” of the Flamingos’
gorgeous “I’ll Be Home.”<br />
<br />
In between, Vance and his group go deep on oldies that most people
probably haven’t heard unless they’re among the group that popped the
originals onto their turntables 50-plus years ago.<br />
<br />
“I felt like it was time to do a tribute to the days when we started,”
Vance says, and on “Acapella” he nails numbers by such long-forgotten
groups as The Charades, The Collegians and The Paragons (not to be
confused with The Paradons, who are also represented here with a
silky-smooth version of their one hit, “Diamonds and Pearls”).<br />
<br />
Even though I’m not part of the demographic who heard these songs their
first time around — KISS, Queen and Foreigner were on my school-bus
soundtrack — I’ve had a soft spot for doo-wop as long as I can remember.
And for that I have to credit my father, who was growing up in the
Bronx when Dion DiMucci was just a guy from the neighborhood, not the
frontman for The Belmonts.<br />
<br />
To hear my dad tell it, pretty much any group of guys with the
inclination could (and would) gather on the street corner and form a
doo-wop group. He even recalls doing a doo-wop competition with his
sister and two friends at Mt. Carmel Church Hall in the Bronx, a gig
that he thought went well until the other groups got up — all of them
made up of “black kids who sounded like they should have been on the
radio,” my dad recalls, laughing. “We didn’t even stay for the rest of
the contest.”<br />
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Even if his doo-wop career stalled by high school, though, he retained a
love of the music that ensured a steady diet of oldies on our family
stereo: WCBS-FM in New York was in its heyday, and Sunday nights
featured “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogfgO4ZGhME" target="_blank">The Doo Wop Shop with Don K. Reed</a>,” played every week in its entirety in our living room.<br />
<br />
Even as a kid, there was something that struck me in songs like the Five Satins’ “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DlMHoOZ4Qg" target="_blank">In The Still of the Night</a>” and Vito & the Salutations’ souped-up version of “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qujpmdx8H3I" target="_blank">Unchained Melody</a>.”
First and foremost were of course the tight-knit arrangements of
nonsense syllables that made up the backbone of every track. Beyond
that, though, was the way the songs captured the simple joy of a bunch
of guys singing in a tiny studio (or possibly a bathroom) — the
production was simple and the lyrics were almost always of the
you-true-blue variety, but that was part of the charm.<br />
<br />
“Acapella” is certainly slicker than any of those early records, but
Vance — who at 69 somehow manages high notes and harmonies that would be
impressive for someone a third that age — captures their heart and
soul. True to the originals but not slavishly so, The Planotones imbue
songs like the rollicking “<a href="https://soundcloud.com/shore-fire-media-1/kenny-vance-the-planotones?in=shore-fire-media-1/sets/kenny-vance-the-planotones" target="_blank">Zoom Zoom Zoom</a>” and the smoky “<a href="https://soundcloud.com/shore-fire-media-1/kenny-vance-the-planotones-mio?in=shore-fire-media-1/sets/kenny-vance-the-planotones" target="_blank">Mio Amore</a>” with sparkling, vibrant personality.<br />
<br />
Vance also somehow avoids the Lite-FM vibe of a Manhattan Transfer or
the college a cappella group smarm that can neuter these songs’
street-corner grittiness. Don’t take my word for it, though — here’s
what my father, the erstwhile doo-wopper, had to say after a few spins
through “Acapella”:<br />
<br />
“As someone who’s familiar with most of the original renditions of
these songs, I tend to be disappointed when they’re covered by another
group,” he admits. “With this album, I found I enjoyed some of the songs
just as much as the originals.” When the doo-wop is this good, he
points out, you don’t miss the instruments.<br />
<br />
Dad’s favorite from “Acapella” is “You Cheated,” which he describes as “unbelievably true” to the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McipJA-golc&list=PLD58E6D852DE3BEE9" target="_blank">1958 original by The Shields</a>.
But the whole package, every track, is true to the doo-wop spirit that
helped fuel early rock ’n’ roll: Close your eyes and you may even find
yourself back shu-bopping on a Belmont Avenue street corner — whether or
not you were there in the first place.</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-69377894002777997882013-01-29T07:00:00.000-05:002013-02-26T12:11:20.637-05:00Column: Faking it on Facebook<div class="entry-content-pagination">
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<br />
You may have sometimes wondered why certain people spend so much time on Facebook. There are several possibilities, including:<br />
<br />
1) To get as many pictures of your children onto the Internet as possible, so strangers know what they look like;<br />
<br />
2) To let people know the awesome word you just played in online Scrabble;<br />
<br />
3) To keep up with friends who you’d cross the street to avoid if you saw them coming;<br />
<br />
4) To suffer acute feelings of misery and loneliness, not necessarily in that order.<br />
<br />
If we’re to believe a new university study, that last one may be more likely than you’d think. <a href="http://uk.reuters.com/article/2013/01/22/us-facebook-envy-idUKBRE90L0N220130122" target="_blank">According to Reuters</a>,
the study found “one in three people felt worse … and more dissatisfied
with their lives” after viewing their friends’ profiles on Facebook.
Those people are clearly doing it wrong.<br />
<br />
After all, the only way your Facebook friends are going to have more
appealing lives than you is if you fail to keep up with their level of
meticulously crafted fraudulence. Because, as Mark Zuckerberg often
says, Facebook isn’t about the life you have, it’s about the life you
PRETEND to have. (OK, he doesn’t actually say that, but I’m sure he’s
thinking it.)<br />
<br />
Take this finding from the study: “Vacation photos were the biggest
cause of resentment.” This jealousy is completely unwarranted, because
no matter how awful your vacation is, you can usually get your family to
look happy at least long enough to snap a few pictures — perhaps
because you’ve bribed or threatened them, or because they just saw
Grumpy fall off the Mickey’s Soundsational Parade float. (Which,
admittedly, would be funny.)<br />
<br />
People then post the pictures on Facebook with the caption, “Another
great vacation day with the fam!” This is code for, “Here are the three
minutes when we didn’t look miserable,” which you should remember before
starting into your spiral of depression.<br />
<br />
Here’s another one: “Women were more likely to envy physical
attractiveness.” Next time you find yourself jealous of how good someone
else looks on Facebook, please remember we live in the age of the
digital photo. That means people can consider dozens, even hundreds, of
pictures of themselves before finding that very special one that —
thanks to a quirk of lighting, shadow and the fortuitous placement of a
potted plant, and possibly Photoshop — makes them look like a <a href="http://www.amiaceleb.com/look-alikes/11840-gisele-bundchen-celebrity-look-alike.html" target="_blank">vaguely blurry Gisele Bundchen</a>.<br />
<br />
That photo is immediately posted on Facebook, and the others are
deleted with prejudice, having committed the crime of being, you know,
accurate. (I’m told this problem has spilled over into online dating,
because instead of posting pictures that show what they actually look
like, many would-be daters are posting pictures of Gisele Bundchen. And
that’s just the men.)<br />
<br />
Then there’s envy over “How many ‘likes’ or comments were made on
photos and postings.” This one is tougher, because while you can pick
your friends you can’t make them like you, or your photos of your very
special children, or that thing you found on the Internet with the <a href="http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/angry%20cat" target="_blank">angry cat</a> on it. (Which, admittedly, is pretty funny.)<br />
<br />
Your best bet here is to try to inspire the “guilt like” (and its
corollary, the “guilt birthday greeting”) by liking as many of your
friends’ posts as you can, thus making them feel obligated to like you
back. Barring that, some people have been known to create fake Facebook
profiles and use them to elevate their like counts. (Er … Not me. Other
people.)<br />
<br />
I suppose the other thing to keep in mind is that the respondents in
the study were from Germany, where misery and loneliness are
recreational activities, like whist. But no matter where you’re from, I
would think a good remedy for Facebook depression might be to shut it
down, go outside, and try to “like” a few things in the real world.<br />
<br />
Or on Twitter. I hear <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnIBQ6RFWNu56uMl6TzygJS3neDgoo9KI5_RINkQeTq4W3CEMP2-RnjeneKfDZXFzGpnPJMerGPNvlsHe63PYw2Lq3bioTiAucPrLn54aMrej-bLzj1pQX30CDoJS83-5rregx/s1600/Kim-Kardashian-Twitter-2.jpg" target="_blank">Kim Kardashian’s on there</a>.</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-48202801989289047482013-01-17T18:00:00.000-05:002013-02-26T12:02:54.568-05:00Column: One man’s hit is another man’s ‘Les Mis’
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If you’re a card-carrying male person, you know there are only three
kinds of Hugh Jackman movies that are acceptable for you to see:<br />
<br />
1) Movies in which he <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv_fywFdga_PGR0kk9Phdz1mnPEZDb6i38cHIcFUbjXzR2wMD_i0IM2OHWfYeiUzJwxwywsmrGT8Hb1GSzkjbKcr7fa1bytTTyCal8WqrUf37hXZBICzZKUghpB2LoEJvFLQGD/s1600/Hugh-Jackman-Wolverine-18681.jpg" target="_blank">slashes evil mutants with his adamantium metal claws</a>;<br />
<br />
2) Movies in which he <a href="http://media.liveauctiongroup.net/i/9646/10499977_5.jpg?v=8CE70FE16933990" target="_blank">kills vampires with a giant crossbow</a>;<br />
<br />
3) See No. 1.<br />
<br />
Not included on that list, you’ll notice, are movies in which he spends
hours singing into the camera at such an immediate distance that it’s
impossible not to notice his unkempt nostril hairs. (Or dapper graying
curls, depending on whether at that moment he’s a starving parole
breaker or an aging reclusive single father, or possibly the mayor. I
lost track somewhere in there.)<br />
<br />
I’m referring of course to the movie adaptation of “<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1707386/" target="_blank">Les Miserables</a>,”
in which Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean is basically singing the entire
time, whether he’s dragging ships to shore, running his factory or
visiting Anne Hathaway in France’s dingiest hospital, where she’s dying
in a teary-eyed, short-haired kind of way. Fortunately for Jean Valjean,
everyone around him is also singing (even Russell Crowe!) so none of
this seems out of the ordinary.<br />
<br />
Now you might think I went to see this film because my lovely wife
dragged me there, but I actually went because I just happen to be a fan
of “Les Miserables” – I’ve seen the musical three times, and I dare say
that I even find it, well, stirring. Yes, I know that may call into
question my masculinity and my artistic preferences, not to mention
indicating an unusually high tolerance for bombast.<br />
<br />
I first saw “Les Miserables” in Boston when I was in college for the
same reason that college students do everything – because I could get
discount tickets. (No, not because I was drunk – if that were the case, I
would have gone to “Cats.”) It didn’t take me long to realize that not
only did Les Mis have a pretty compelling story, but it was just epic
enough to truly lend itself to full-throated warbling. Plus, muskets!<br />
<br />
Not that I’m a full Les Mis apologist. There are a few things I’ve found off-putting about the musical to this day, including:<br />
<br />
1) Marius. He’s a drip, what with all his love-at-first-sight gushing
when he should be figuring out how to load his musket. Of course, that
makes him a perfect match for Cosette – together they make the drippiest
couple in musical theater history, and that includes <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqBtME2kXUY" target="_blank">Emile and Nellie</a> in “South Pacific.” (Er … I had discount tickets!)<br />
<br />
2) I can’t figure out the math – every time I add it up Valjean comes
out to be about 200 years old, and yet he can still carry grown men
through sewers for days on end. (Although the next day he wakes up and
can’t lift his valise, and 20 minutes later, spoiler alert, he’s dead,
so there you go.)<br />
<br />
3) Let’s face it, it’s a lot of fuss over bread.<br />
<br />
Still, it’s pretty gripping for a musical, and I can’t really imagine a
way the movie could have done a better job adapting it. Jackman has
this uncanny ability to project an inner sincerity, even when he’s
slashing mutants, so he’s an ideal Valjean. And Hathaway is certainly
good at conveying “distraught” – she generates more close-up actual
tears than all the other actors put together. Although it was admittedly
pretty close.<br />
<br />
As for Crowe, he’s not the greatest singer in the world, but he does a
nice job projecting the sense that if you didn’t fully appreciate his
performance he might reach through the screen and smolder you to death.
It’s a lot better than Clint Eastwood’s singing in “Paint Your Wagon,”
which, spoiler alert, is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn8YubD01sk" target="_blank">exactly how you’d imagine Clint Eastwood’s singing</a>.<br />
<br />
Regardless, though, I’d argue that even if “Les Miserables” is flawed,
it’s impossible not to get caught up in the sweeping story of redemption
and the soaring (if bombastic) music that goes along with it. I
challenge even the most manly audience members, the ones who thought
Liam Neeson was too wishy-washy in the “Taken” movies, to listen to
Valjean and company sing “One Day More” and not feel at least a little
bit stirred.<br />
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And don’t worry: If it makes you uncomfortable, you can just close your eyes and think about crossbows.</div>
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Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-29994495396148263362013-01-01T11:37:00.000-05:002013-01-01T11:37:00.126-05:00IN AND OUT 2013: All the rest<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaA8cOAkfNbr2-ClQ5cPqDOetFZP2ut-hoI8caEYnWSYO3Dts1NSyXvpSwZv6vbG-llU2dfKYfZ6mMGaolChMZWynbu2g_RK3v22qh3rGGx9EFm-nQV_L0V00CYvwa4mFnDFOu/s1600/984962+MA_NS_attached.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaA8cOAkfNbr2-ClQ5cPqDOetFZP2ut-hoI8caEYnWSYO3Dts1NSyXvpSwZv6vbG-llU2dfKYfZ6mMGaolChMZWynbu2g_RK3v22qh3rGGx9EFm-nQV_L0V00CYvwa4mFnDFOu/s320/984962+MA_NS_attached.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We admit, the Overly Attached Girlfriend meme makes us nervous.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Of all the things that are in, we’d be hard pressed to find something
more in than <b>frozen yogurt</b>. That’s the only explanation
for the glut of frozen yogurt establishments bursting from the ground
fully formed, like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. By process of
elimination, that would probably mean ice cream is out … But just try
getting between us and our Chunky Monkey.<br />
<br />
<b>Tablets</b>, particularly iPads, are in – people carry them
around now like your gym teacher used to carry around that stupid
clipboard. But don’t worry, your smartphone is still in, at least until
they figure out how to attach an iPad to the side of your head while you
drive. And now that everyone has a tablet, laptops are on their way
out, and all the desktop computers have now been dismantled and turned
into yogurt shops.<br />
<br /><div class="entry-content-pagination">
As far as the types of phones that are in, <strong>Blackberries </strong>are
now being used primarily to keep napkins from flying off picnic tables,
and even the iPhone has lost some of its sheen since the <strong>iPhone
5</strong> wound up requiring all sorts of new chargers and cables.
(Chargers and cables are out.) The <strong>Samsung Galaxy</strong> is
the new in hip phone: We know that because the commercials tell us they
are. Commercials are in.<br />
<br />
Online, creating memes and then distributing them via <strong>Instagram
</strong>is in. Knowing what both of those things are is also in.
Sorry, grandpa. Also, we’re seeing less and less class among students as
more colleges move out of the classroom and onto the Web. In a related
story, interacting with other humans is out, but you already knew that.<br />
<br />
By now, tiny <strong>electric cars</strong> that fit approximately one
and a half passengers were supposed to be in. That hasn’t seemed to work
out, unless they’ve been crammed inside all the <strong>minivans </strong>and
<strong>SUVs</strong>. Minivans and SUVs are in, and as a result, so
are giant, Cristal Brut-filled swimming pools in Saudi Arabia.<br />
<br />
Speaking of spirits, <strong>Pabst Blue Ribbon </strong>is out and
exotic <strong>micro-beers </strong>are in; contrary to popular belief,
they do not come in tiny little mugs. The HBO show “<strong>Game of
Thrones</strong>” even has its own beer, which presumably comes with a
lot of swearing and gratuitous nudity.<br />
<br />
Among the kids, <strong>iCarly </strong>is finally off the air, and
with it its entire cast of mean lunatics. Mean lunatics are out – sorry,
Nickelodeon. <strong>Bridgit Mendler </strong>of Disney Channel’s “Good
Luck Charlie” is in, but as a singer, since all Disney stars are
required to sing, dance, act and sleep in a box in the studio until
needed for another show or concert tour. And “<strong>Gangnam Style</strong>”
is finally on its way out, now that it’s been permanently imprinted on
our teenagers’ brains; it’s playing there right now on an eternal loop,
which would explain a lot.<br />
<br />
And finally, learning everything you missed all year from our
in-and-out column is in. Who needs other news sources? Cue pending
apocalypse, again.<br />
<br />
<em>Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s
north-of-Boston newspapers and websites and author of “<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Glory-Days-Springsteens-Greatest-ebook/dp/B00A6AO9LK/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1352773681&sr=1-5" target="_blank">Glory Days: Springsteen’s Greatest Albums</a>.” Follow
him on Twitter at <a href="mailto:twitter.com/pchianca">twitter.com/pchianca</a>.</em></div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-10190334671690787742012-12-31T11:34:00.000-05:002012-12-31T11:34:00.128-05:00IN AND OUT 2013: Sports<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT2wlTQBQuXy7Tz4av4n4dIdrGQRtbUswHgYIGZhbQW7mpGDkNpzPIb45Fk_gbSfTGcmkvjXwfGJ_TFVkKIAW10XaUeSKuj4NNJF9VI0kvscYDahRsCK4UgF2icPQi-NGA_Hj5/s1600/984962+MA_NS_lance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT2wlTQBQuXy7Tz4av4n4dIdrGQRtbUswHgYIGZhbQW7mpGDkNpzPIb45Fk_gbSfTGcmkvjXwfGJ_TFVkKIAW10XaUeSKuj4NNJF9VI0kvscYDahRsCK4UgF2icPQi-NGA_Hj5/s400/984962+MA_NS_lance.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<strong>In: Physical education</strong><br />
<br />
For sports fans, learning is in: In 2012 we learned about the dangers
of concussions, what “blood doping" is, the difference between sanctions
and the “death penalty” in college football, and how many owners and
hockey players it takes to settle a contract (lots, apparently). And as a
result of those things, <strong>helmet-to-helmet contact</strong>, <strong>cycling</strong>,
<strong>bowl games</strong> and <strong>hockey </strong>are all out.
Especially if you’re trying to do them all at once. Multi-tasking is
out.<br />
<br />
We’ve also learned everything there is to know about <strong>Fenway
Park</strong>, which is in thanks to its 100th anniversary. Fenway
stands as a testament to the park’s wonderful and storied history, and
to the fact that nobody’s ever been willing to put up the dough to build
a new one. As to what goes on INSIDE Fenway Park … More of that below
under “Out.”<br />
<br />
<strong>Football</strong>, though, is in: Sunday Night Football is the
highest-rated show going, even higher than Monday Night Football,
because let’s face it, by Monday night we’re already exhausted. <strong>Tom
Brady</strong> remains the in quarterback, with his supermodel wife,
perfect little kids and steely good looks. So what if <strong>Eli
Manning </strong>beat him in the Super Bowl? Winning the Super Bowl is
out.<br />
<br />
In other Patriots news, tight end <strong>Rob Gronkowski </strong>is in
even though he’s been out: Fortunately, even though he’s been off the
field, we’ve had plenty of Dunkin’ Donuts commercials to keep us from
going into withdrawal. Oh, Gronk, you’ve done it again! <strong>Dunkin’
Donuts</strong> is in.<br />
<br />
We’ve also learned the ins and outs of fantasy football, which is even
more in than real football, at least among people looking for yet
another way to distract themselves from their families. You know who you
are.<br />
<br />
Fantasy basketball is out, but real basketball is in, especially as
long as hockey is out – if it weren’t for basketball we’d have to watch
professional wrestling. (Professional wrestling is out.) <strong>LeBron
James </strong>is back in despite ticking off all of Cleveland because,
let’s face it, nobody is really concerned about how Cleveland feels.
Cleveland is out.<br />
<br />
And finally, we learned the tearful, inspiring back-stories of hundreds
of Olympic athletes, who all had one thing in common: We forgot about
them as soon as the Olympics ended. The exception is <strong>Michael
Phelps</strong>, thanks to his 19 medals, and those Subway commercials. <strong>Subway
</strong>is in.<br />
<br />
In general, though, the <strong>Olympics </strong>are also in, because
otherwise how could we justify them pre-empting all those episodes of
“America’s Got Talent”? Talent is out.<br />
<br />
<strong>OUT: Cheating and skipping class</strong><br />
<br />
Claiming that they weren’t really doing it and besides, everybody else
was doing it is no longer the in excuse for dopers, steroid users and
people who’ve been injected in their buttock regions by friends,
co-workers and acquaintances. You know who you are.<br />
<br />
Most out of all of these is <strong>Lance Armstrong</strong>, who has
single-handedly dragged cycling squarely into the out column, much like <strong>Tiger
Woods </strong>did to golf a few years back. By the way, golf: Still
out.<br />
<br />
They didn’t cheat, but when it comes to baseball teams, you can’t get
much more out than the <strong>Boston Red Sox</strong>, who decided
about three-quarters of the way through the season that the best way to
deal with their problems was to trade away the entire team and put
uniforms on the guys sweeping up peanut shells from the grandstands. So
far, so good! By the way, manager <strong>Bobby Valentine </strong>is
WAY out, but peanuts are in.<br />
<br />
As for the class-skippers, those would include hockey players –
although in their defense, they were actually “locked out,” so couldn’t
show up if they wanted to. (Being locked out is in.) And technically
they really are working, just in Sweden and Finland. Sweden and Finland:
also in, but hockey remains out.<br />
<br />
For a while, also AWOL were the <strong>NFL referees</strong>, until
their replacements, in a few short weeks, almost managed to turn the
entire institution of professional football into a smoking crater. Maybe
now we’ll learn to appreciate the real referees! Naaaaaah.<br />
<br />
<i>Tomorrow: All the rest </i>Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-44041696453335396472012-12-28T11:31:00.000-05:002012-12-28T11:31:00.151-05:00IN AND OUT 2013: Entertainment<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-QaFsaeG2PoHqWSwmxlnU1WDlzmgn2WlO3l5r5Nb9Rhzuzymbq5YhzCWgxOR3gXNzKsIg3pHmgXldhCMUqJooLgQNMCfliaU36EqecPjRAzsoA7sj_GEhOodfI8CdRfea_xBR/s1600/984962+MA_NS_modern.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-QaFsaeG2PoHqWSwmxlnU1WDlzmgn2WlO3l5r5Nb9Rhzuzymbq5YhzCWgxOR3gXNzKsIg3pHmgXldhCMUqJooLgQNMCfliaU36EqecPjRAzsoA7sj_GEhOodfI8CdRfea_xBR/s400/984962+MA_NS_modern.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Admit it, you want to live with these people.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="entry-content-pagination">
</div>
<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<b>IN: History</b><br />
Maybe it’s that we tend to cling to the familiar during tough times, or
that nobody’s had an original idea since sometime last century.
(Original ideas are out.) But there’s very little in the current world
of entertainment that doesn’t seem at least vaguely reminiscent of
something that came before, in most cases because it’s EXACTLY THE SAME.<br />
<br />
Case in point: Of the top 10 movies of 2012, eight were either <b>sequels</b>,
based on books and/or <b>comic books</b>, or, in the case of
“The Amazing Spider-Man,” a <b>remake</b> of another movie
that came out 20 minutes ago. (Ah, 20 minutes ago … those were the
days.)<br />
<br />
Of the other two, one, “Brave,” is by <b>Pixar </b>– where
the last remaining original thinkers have apparently sealed themselves
off from the rest of society, like the final survivors of a zombie
invasion – and the other, “<b>Ted</b>,” features a
foul-mouthed, sex-crazed teddy bear. Sex-crazed teddy bears are in, God
help us.<br />
<br />
But don’t worry: The most highly anticipated movie event of the coming
years is the production of another three “<b>Star Wars</b>”
movies by new owners Disney, which are sure to find new and original
ways to ruin your most coveted childhood memories. Ruining things is in.
(This means you, Disney and George Lucas, not necessarily in that
order.)<br />
<br />
Judging by the rockers who got trotted out for the high-profile
12/12/12 Hurricane Sandy relief concert, no one born after 1960 has ever
blurted out even a note of rock ’n’ roll: <b>Bruce Springsteen</b>,
63, looked like the model of youth in this bunch, which featured <b>The
Rolling Stones</b>, <b>The Who</b> and <b>Paul
McCartney</b> (combined age: one meeeeeellion). So getting down to
music first recorded four to five decades ago is in; hoping you die
before you get old is apparently out.<br />
<br />
Of the younger artists, a lot of them tend to sound exactly alike –
quick, tell us the difference between <b>Katy Perry</b> and <b>Carly
Rae Jepson</b>! See? But there are some glimmers of hope, such as <b>Mumford
& Sons </b>and <b>Phillip Phillips</b>, who sound
like each other but not like Katy Perry and Carly Rae Jepson, which is a
step in the right direction.<br />
<br />
Even better, <b>fun.</b>, they of the lower-case “f” and
unnecessary period, are almost startlingly original, as if they must
have escaped from the Pixar compound. Their exact opposite would be <b>One
Direction</b>, whom Simon Cowell molded out of clay and animated
like an ancient Golem. (Ancient Golems are in.) And <b>Taylor Swift</b>
will never, ever, ever find an ex-boyfriend she couldn’t write a hit
song about. (Ex-boyfriends are in.)<br />
<br />
<div>
<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<b>OUT: Literature</b><br />
<br />
A lot of bookstores (remember them? Bookstores are out) used to
separate “Literature” into its own section, primarily to make sure you
knew they were the books you had no interest in actually reading. Sorry <b>Nathaniel
Hawthorne</b>, but you’re out.<br />
<br />
When it comes to books people do read, there are exactly two that are
in, neither of which are what you’d call classic literature: “<b>The
Hunger Games</b>” and “<b>50 Shades of Grey</b>.”
Someday someone will come up with an idea that combines both of those
concepts and it will be a huge hit, and also the final sign of the
pending apocalypse. Pending apocalypses are in.<br />
<br />
A lot of other in entertainment fare isn’t exactly literate either: On
TV, the clever and informative shows – such as “<b>30 Rock</b>”
and “<b>Rock Center with Brian Williams</b>,” along with any
number of other shows with “rock” in the title – tend to be out. Shows
featuring “real” people who may or may not have the ability to read,
such as the casts of “<b>Here Comes Honey Boo Boo</b>,” “<b>Dance
Moms</b>” and “<b>Moonshiners</b>,” are in. Cue pending
apocalypse.<br />
<br />
But there are some signs that not all entertainment is aiming at the
lowest common denominator. Shows like “<b>Modern Family</b>,” “<b>Downton
Abbey</b>” and “<b>Homeland</b>” cater to people with
brains, while “<b>The Walking Dead</b>” caters to people with
brains who like to watch zombies eating brains, but in an intellectual
way. And in theaters, the in release of the season is “<b>Les
Miserables</b>,” which is almost exactly like classic literature,
except with singing. Singing is in.<br />
<br />
And not all lowbrow entertainment is in: <b>Adam Sandler </b>is
out after a few recent outings tanked, including “That’s My Boy,” which
was so bad it may have dragged Andy Samberg out with it. (Although
Sandler will always be in on Boston’s North Shore, where he just filmed
“Grown Ups 2,” a movie not expected to break his out streak.) And while <b>Tom
Cruise</b> is in when he’s driving fast cars and breaking heads,
he’s out when he’s singing, at evidenced by “Rock of Ages.” Singing is
out.<br />
<br />
Speaking of which, <b>Justin Bieber </b>got (temporarily)
dumped by his girlfriend, the inexplicably in <b>Selena Gomez</b>,
and flopped in the Grammy nomination department – could this mean he’s
on his way out? Ha ha! Just kidding, True Beliebers! Remember, coming
after people who make Justin Bieber jokes with tiny little pitchforks is
out.<br />
<br />
<i>Monday: Sports </i></div>
</div>
</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-83660268791859196782012-12-27T11:27:00.000-05:002012-12-27T11:27:00.336-05:00IN AND OUT 2013: News & Politics<div class="entry-content-pagination">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8lm7FY1AHv8MN-VRSevokNY2vKRd3EqiSAOjHpUEOiQ-I355rrnkyA5S2uAkwFMSga917IAHtOYUA5GL5g8v1wLZ_CdLN0gSe5r6__nyhTUNK6VXDh5S3m29yETQEZnoqjcrO/s1600/984962+MA_NS_MAINART.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8lm7FY1AHv8MN-VRSevokNY2vKRd3EqiSAOjHpUEOiQ-I355rrnkyA5S2uAkwFMSga917IAHtOYUA5GL5g8v1wLZ_CdLN0gSe5r6__nyhTUNK6VXDh5S3m29yETQEZnoqjcrO/s400/984962+MA_NS_MAINART.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Another year has come and gone. But what have we really learned about
what’s in and what’s out in news, politics, entertainment, sports and
life in general? Sit back over the next few days and let us school you on what’s hot and what’s
not as we enter 2013. And yes, getting schooled is in.<br />
<br />
<strong>NEWS & POLITICS</strong><br />
<br />
<strong>In: Arithmetic</strong><br />
<br />
Former President <strong>Bill Clinton</strong> – who is, incidentally,
perennially in – cited the importance of arithmetic in his remarks at
the Democratic National Convention, and it turns out he was right:
Sometimes, numbers do add up! Adding up is in.<br />
<br />
The primary example of this is President <strong>Barack Obama</strong>,
who will be back in the White House for four more years. The poll
numbers said he would win, and then he got a higher number of votes than
Mitt Romney – and amazingly, that resulted him being reelected
president. At least it was amazing to Mitt Romney and the GOP, who
seemed to be basing their entire campaign on imaginary numbers that only
they could see. Imaginary numbers are out.<br />
<br />
Elsewhere in Washington, crunching numbers to avoid going over the “<strong>fiscal
cliff</strong>” is in. By the time you read this, I’m sure our elected
officials will have come up with an effective compromise that benefits
everyone. Yes, being delusional is in.<br />
<br />
Numbers are also playing a role in the weather: As the temperature
continues to tick up degree by degree, like somebody lit a Sterno can
under it, the weather continues to go progressively insane. As a result,
<strong>superstorms</strong> are in. Plain, old regular storms are out.
Going to bed with a reasonable certainty that your house won’t wash
away in the night: also out.<br />
<br />
Tweets have been multiplying exponentially, meaning <strong>Twitter</strong>
is the in source of information, both from mainstream media sources and
Kim Kardashian. Although being able to tell the difference between the
two of those is out.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, waiting a second or two before Tweeting whatever pops
into your head is out – just ask indiscriminate Tweeters like rich
guy/birther <strong>Donald Trump</strong> and R&B singer/girlfriend
abuser <strong>Chris Brown</strong>. Being rich, being a birther, being a
girlfriend abuser: all out. R&B singers are still in, except for
Chris Brown.<br />
<br />
The number of people supporting the legalization of <strong>same-sex
marriage</strong> and <strong>marijuana</strong> keeps going up and up,
meaning those are both very much in – especially in Washington state,
where they’re now BOTH legal. We know that somewhere, state namesake
George “Cheech” Washington and his secret lover James Madison are
smiling.<br />
<br />
<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<strong>OUT: Communications and Language Arts</strong><br />
<br />
Actual communication using reasonable language seems to be out,
particularly in Congress, where “reaching across the aisle” has come to
refer to elected officials attempting to throttle each other. <strong>Elected
officials</strong> are out, but not enough of them.<br />
<br />
<strong>Mitt Romney</strong> failed to speak to people as people,
preferring instead to address them like large, pliable focus groups or,
in the case of 47 percent of the population, not at all. As a result,
Mitt is out and the 47 percent are in. (And still waiting for our
“gifts” from President Obama, thank you very much. Gifts are in!)<br />
<br />
And many male Republican candidates also eschewed actual, sensible
language in attempting to communicate with women, instead apparently
opting to rely on an anatomy textbook written in the 1950s by
12-year-olds. They are, mercifully, now out. Women, however, are in:
There are 20 of them in the U.S. Senate, and <strong>Hillary Clinton</strong>
is the most popular person, well, anywhere, ever. Hillary may remain in
right through 2016.<br />
<br />
No matter who’s in Washington, though, talking about the aforementioned
<strong>climate and weather changes</strong> seems to be out – and by
the time it comes back in, Washington may be underwater. Water is in a
lot of places where it used to be out, whether we want it there or not.<br />
<br />
Hostess executives opted to pull the plug on the operation (while
taking big, cream-filled bonuses) rather than talking with the unions,
so <strong>Twinkies</strong> are – inconceivably – out. Little Debbie is
in, though, and she’ll bring back the white straw cowboy hat with
stampede string as a fashion accessory if it’s the last thing she does.<br />
<br />
Apparently talking to your wife is out but talking (and doing other
things) to your biographer and/or “unpaid social liaison” is in, at
least if you’re a <strong>decorated general</strong>. (Liaisoning is in,
and turning nouns into verbs – a.k.a. “verbing” – is also in.) For the
non-decorated, un-biographied types, communicating with your spouse is
still in. Especially via text message. Texting is still in. ;)<br />
<br />
Finally, the one place where it’s still in to communicate your
innermost feelings, as well as your every move and those of your
children and pets, is on <strong>Facebook</strong>. But actually paying
for a little piece of Facebook is out: Its stock tanked this year,
turning Mark Zuckerberg into a multi-billionaire instead of a
multi-multi-billionaire. Quantifying your billions is out.<br />
<br />
<i>Tomorrow: In and Out in Entertainment </i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-10309046158162119142012-12-26T11:22:00.001-05:002012-12-26T22:23:22.627-05:00Where have I been? Writing an eBook, that's where<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6z7hhcziTtxnOIIIk0tp8SRPYXVoLPDddX8xwn_q1L0Wvw5MX5FKhCWLFtF7Y7tMTDCZ6d0s8licaARgm9JVUe3TjVewAsD8DjMy63O-yDxwhckiQi-FERqASklYaOVRBcLv/s1600/137441+MA_NS_glory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6z7hhcziTtxnOIIIk0tp8SRPYXVoLPDddX8xwn_q1L0Wvw5MX5FKhCWLFtF7Y7tMTDCZ6d0s8licaARgm9JVUe3TjVewAsD8DjMy63O-yDxwhckiQi-FERqASklYaOVRBcLv/s320/137441+MA_NS_glory.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
In case you've been wondering where I've been as my posts slowed to a trickle these last few months -- anyone? -- I actually have an excuse. I was writing <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Glory-Days-Springsteens-Greatest-ebook/dp/B00A6AO9LK/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=6ZQA7U2XUMP0&coliid=I2TG741XVMBXAZ" target="_blank"><i>Glory Days: Springsteen’s Greatest Albums</i></a>,
my new eBook from <a href="http://www.endeavourpress.com/" target="_blank">Endeavour Press</a>. Yes, it's short, but it still took me a while to fit all the words together.<br />
<br />
If you're familiar with my Springsteen blog <a href="http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen" target="_blank">Blogness on the Edge of Town</a>, you know I'm a big fan of other people’s Springsteen books — I've reviewed Springsteen-centric titles by <a href="http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen/2012/10/30/official-blogness-review-bruce-by-peter-ames-carlin/" target="_blank">Peter Ames Carlin</a>, <a href="http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen/2012/06/05/book-review-bruce-springsteen-and-the-promise-of-rock-n-roll-by-marc-dolan/" target="_blank">Marc Dolan</a>, <a href="http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen/2009/11/12/review-a-powerful-light-in-darkness/" target="_blank">Lawrence Kirsch</a>, <a href="http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen/2009/10/05/book-review-masurs-runaway-dream-makes-born-to-run-feel-new-again/" target="_blank">Louis Masur</a> and plenty of others in recent
years. But now I have one I'm <i>really</i> excited about, because
if you buy it, I get money.<br />
<br />
In "Glory Days," I analyze in depth
eight different Springsteen albums I argue deserve to be in contention
for the title of Best Springsteen Album Ever — and then in the last
chapter, I pick the one I feel rises to the top of the heap. You’ll
definitely want to read it, if only so you can get mad about my choices
and send me angry emails.<br />
<br />
From the introduction:<br />
<blockquote>
OK, admit it: You’ve come here to mock me </blockquote>
<blockquote>
After all, it’s pretty clear that choosing the “greatest” Bruce
Springsteen album is in many ways a fool’s errand. Just look at what
I’ve got working against me: a 40-year body of work, most of it highly
acclaimed, almost all of it ambitious and socially relevant. It’s tough
even to decide where to start, much less pick the one collection that
rises above all the others in terms of artistry, impact and cultural
significance. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
But I figure <i>somebody’s</i> got to do it, fruitless enterprise
or not … No matter what, I hope these essays strike a chord with you,
and maybe remind you of why these albums, and Bruce Springsteen himself,
meant so much to you in the first place. And most of all, I hope they
inspire you – to borrow a line from “Mary’s Place” – to put your
favorite record on the turntable, and drop the needle and pray.</blockquote>
And the best part is, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Glory-Days-Springsteens-Greatest-ebook/dp/B00A6AO9LK/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=6ZQA7U2XUMP0&coliid=I2TG741XVMBXAZ" target="_blank">it’s only $2.99</a>. (Plus $200 give or take if you
don’t have a Kindle yet, but we won’t dwell on that. You can always
download the Kindle <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_pc_mkt_lnd?docId=1000426311" target="_blank">software for PC</a> or the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771" target="_blank">smartphone/tablet app</a> — hold that phone close
enough to your face and it’s just like reading a real book!)<br />
<br />
So I
hope you’ll consider giving it a spin — and letting us know what you
think afterward, of course. Don’t worry, I can take it.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-73290607994354046362012-12-14T11:01:00.000-05:002012-12-26T11:09:44.691-05:00Column: A happy Christmas is in the cards<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjia_CSrWeTiw_pwqMRr1ENymYEC7UoImD6wki-QvR2as3aA7KMebq-usz67gbTRKsom5CHoK_ArgeeRjuJy0Tf6Zx6Vkir9zKRU5if6TY5NUNBaEolFeig8Ot9Pj5lkPCzJS-U/s1600/1220_MAGRA_MA_NS_carCARDS_1220.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="336" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjia_CSrWeTiw_pwqMRr1ENymYEC7UoImD6wki-QvR2as3aA7KMebq-usz67gbTRKsom5CHoK_ArgeeRjuJy0Tf6Zx6Vkir9zKRU5if6TY5NUNBaEolFeig8Ot9Pj5lkPCzJS-U/s400/1220_MAGRA_MA_NS_carCARDS_1220.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Do you remember mail? It came in envelopes and someone would leave it
in a box at the end of your driveway? You’re right, it does sound
ridiculous.<br />
<br />
Anyway, this is the one time of year when real mail makes a comeback.
That’s because many people still send Christmas cards: For the price of a
stamp (whatever that is), this allows you to share some tangible
holiday cheer, not to be confused with the digital holiday cheer that
involves <a href="http://www.jibjab.com/view/1ZmD1ijXRByoxUwbx_l3ug" target="_blank">putting someone’s head on a dancing elf</a>. As
hilarious as that may be.<br />
<br />
Of course there are some questions involved with holiday cards, such as
whether you should display them prominently around your house, or leave
them in an unkempt pile on your kitchen counter until you throw them
away on Dec. 26. Neither of these choices is necessarily correct, except
for the second one.<br />
<br />
Then there’s the question of what kind of card to send. There are
several options, some of which even involve using glitter that spills
out of the envelope when someone opens it, which is a great idea if
you’re planning to send cards mostly to people you hate. If that’s not
the case, though, consider one of the following:<br />
<br />
1) <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0bP7oRE6uQRNO8Cotr18zmQtsx4Uo7D1nZLEgmk40SF6WMEcnbEqg9t6nXuO425Jv_6jjX0b5fW9nr3mi44rstxhe4gsNiNPwVl0iS0TNx4v3nNX69ENzdhM2QpWmP4zZykgt/s1600/R3MSld_blogChristmas_Card_with_text.jpg" target="_blank">Kid cards</a>. Somewhere along the line it became a law
that if you had a child between the ages of 0 and college, it was
required that you stick their picture on your Christmas card. This made
some sense back in the pre-Facebook days, but it’s less necessary now
that you digitally document your child’s every milestone and
achievement, and also all those times when they’re more adorable than
all the other kids, which is always.<br />
<br />
I’m among those guilty of using this method, partly because there’s now
a certain level of Mutually Assured Christmas Card Destruction:
Everyone involved agrees to keep proliferating children-centric
Christmas cards so as not to be branded as the one set of parents not
obsessively proud of their kids’ sparkling photographic charisma. Who
knows what the other parents would think if you sent out a card that
shunned your own children in favor of say, the baby Jesus, who is much
less likely to be posed in a Santa hat in front of a fake fireplace.
Which reminds me:<br />
<br />
2) <a href="http://campus.udayton.edu/mary/Werlinger/2004_Card_Gallery.jpg" target="_blank">Jesus cards</a>. These are cards meant to share in a
joyous celebration of the birth of Christ, and to remind you that at
some point you became a godless heathen who puts his own kid on his
Christmas cards instead of God’s kid. (And are thus implicitly
hell-bound, Merry Christmas.) Of course, you also might not be sending a
Jesus card because you’re Jewish. Which brings me to:<br />
<br />
3) <a href="http://rlv.zcache.com/seasons_greetings_greeting_card_20-p137133038907241005enx3g_216.jpg">“Seasons
Greetings” cards</a>. Since most families these days are made up of
people practicing any number of religions, often at the same time, you
might be safer with a “Season’s Greetings” card appropriate for
Christian, Jew, Muslim, Wiccan, agnostic and atheist alike. Because even
if we have differing beliefs, at the end of the day, there’s one thing
we can all agree on: that it is currently a season.<br />
<br />
4) <a href="http://rlv.zcache.com/santa_tshirt-p235995021256264904z7tkx_325.jpg" target="_blank">Cards with side-splitting comical cartoons in which
Santa’s butt crack is showing</a>. Please stop sending me these. You
know who you are.<br />
<br />
5) <a href="http://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/5195433/il_fullxfull.284985209.jpg" target="_blank">Spite cards</a>. These are cards sent specifically to
arrive on Dec. 24, thus giving the receiver no time to send a card in
response. Spite-card senders have been known to spend months mapping out
a delivery timetable so as to ensure maximum guilt for the recipients,
which is what the holidays are all about.<br />
<br />
Wait, scratch that — I read my notes wrong. Perhaps what the holidays
are really about, among other things that may or may not involve guilt,
is slowing down long enough to appreciate what you’ve got and share some
of that aforementioned good cheer — maybe even by writing out an actual
card or two. If you manage to spread even a little old-fashioned
holiday joy — real, physical joy that you can touch and smell, not eJoy —
maybe it makes all the writing and stamping worthwhile.<br />
<br />
But if I see my kids in that pile on your counter, next year you’re
getting the dancing elf.</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-9707508598223331652012-12-07T10:58:00.000-05:002012-12-26T22:25:52.582-05:00Column: Waiting for the end of the world<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilmerFb9mHgh3eW3MREKC38EpqSwOcZ_JdRae_NQGbqRoLcp-_PSrxebIoMOErQKlapFGTFxZWQobBgq3KN4JasaarHacI6hOUfUaszIbVKgQvhn9Yvr7d7T5v10QjkLPqwk41/s1600/1213_MAFEA_NS_carDOOM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="331" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilmerFb9mHgh3eW3MREKC38EpqSwOcZ_JdRae_NQGbqRoLcp-_PSrxebIoMOErQKlapFGTFxZWQobBgq3KN4JasaarHacI6hOUfUaszIbVKgQvhn9Yvr7d7T5v10QjkLPqwk41/s400/1213_MAFEA_NS_carDOOM.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<i>“Inmates in a women’s prison near the Chinese border are said to
have experienced a ‘collective mass psychosis’ so intense that their
wardens summoned a priest to calm them. In a factory town east of
Moscow, panicked citizens stripped shelves of matches, kerosene, sugar
and candles. A huge Mayan-style archway is being built — out of ice — on
Karl Marx Street in Chelyabinsk in the south.”</i><br />
<div align="right">
<i>– <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/02/world/europe/mayan-end-of-world-stirs-panic-in-russia-and-elsewhere.html" target="_blank">New York Times</a>, Dec. 1, 2012</i></div>
<br />
<b>A MESSAGE FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT ON THE PENDING END OF THE
WORLD:</b><br />
<br />
Dear U.S. Citizen:<br />
<br />
I am Fred Cranston, associate assistant director of the Federal
Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). As you have no doubt heard, the
world is scheduled to end on Friday, Dec. 21. We know this because the
Mayan calendar ends on that date, and the Mayans have never been wrong
about anything. This is what makes them so insufferable at dinner
parties.<br />
<br />
Ha ha! Just a little Mayan humor to help ease the tension that’s bound
to go along with knowing the world is coming to an end. I have been
asked to write this letter to help prepare Americans for our impending
annihilation, partially because of my experience in disaster mitigation,
and also because all the other officials are already sequestered on the
government’s secret fleet of high-tech flying arks.<br />
<br />
Anyway, it is our goal to avoid the mass end-times panic that has
already begun in Russia and other areas of the world. Remember, just
because the earth is going to open up and swallow us, or we’re going to
be incinerated by giant solar fireballs, or the earth’s polarity is
going to reverse, propelling us all into space, is no reason to be
uncouth. (This means you, Arkansas!)<br />
<br />
With that in mind, we ask that you follow the following simple
guidelines:<br />
<br />
1) Please do not hoard matches, kerosene, sugar and candles, because
none of those things will help once you’ve been incinerated by a giant
solar fireball (and in the case of kerosene, it will probably just make
things worse). Instead, consider using the food and resources you
currently have in your home, because they’re bound to spoil quickly
after the earth becomes a barren, burning wasteland.<br />
<br />
2) Trying to avoid gaping, fiery holes in the earth by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE3yIUsduf4" target="_blank">driving
around them as they open up</a> is not advisable, no matter how
feasible that appears in the movies. For one thing, those are typically
trained drivers on a closed course; and also, the gaping, fiery holes
are added in later using a computer. You’re much better off standing
very, very still, and hoping the holes go around you.<br />
<br />
3) Please be advised that building tremendous Mayan structures out of
ice or other materials is unlikely to stave off the impending
apocalypse. That said, I, for one, welcome our new Mayan overlords.<br />
<br />
4) We strongly recommend against using your last few weeks on earth
attempting to live out your wildest fantasies, particularly if they
involve “maxing out” your credit cards, telling off your boss,
professing a long unrequited love, or <a href="http://bit.ly/UfkGgJ" target="_blank">public nudity</a>. On the off chance the world doesn’t
end as predicted, any or all of these actions could prove personally
detrimental, or at least embarrassing. Consider perhaps some more staid
activities, like Jenga.<br />
<br />
5) Finally, even though we’ve been unable to pinpoint exactly how the
world is going to end on Dec. 21, we feel a need to deny the prevailing
rumor that mankind will be wiped out in a <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/beverly/newsnow/x1439479387/Peter-Chianca-Zombies-and-power-outages-don-t-mix" target="_blank">zombie apocalypse</a>, which is just silly. However,
you should plan to have some sharpened shovels around to chop the tops
of their heads off, just in case.<br />
<br />
In conclusion, we hope these guidelines will help you adequately
prepare for the end of civilization, and if you have any other questions
or concerns between now and then, feel free to contact your local FEMA
office. A representative who couldn’t fit on one of the arks will be
happy to assist you.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Fred Cranston, FEMA</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-20043237132723921982012-11-21T10:55:00.000-05:002012-12-26T11:10:05.724-05:00Column: This year's reasons to be thankful, sort of <br />
<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKh07pLCa9UqJh65sEpSVTFlVLD8cZlPJwpF_fBmcFRtvUZWbVllLOC96Dpp0mLb1cfO41LUh-iZxAfE42DvTHKmTsfD5HawgNylLCHzclTqW8vSF1FakmzdDpWZSm0zTyhH3d/s1600/1122_MAFEA_NS_carTDAY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKh07pLCa9UqJh65sEpSVTFlVLD8cZlPJwpF_fBmcFRtvUZWbVllLOC96Dpp0mLb1cfO41LUh-iZxAfE42DvTHKmTsfD5HawgNylLCHzclTqW8vSF1FakmzdDpWZSm0zTyhH3d/s400/1122_MAFEA_NS_carTDAY.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
As you may recall, every year at this time I like to offer up a list of
reasons we have to be thankful. And while it's true that you may be
somewhat frustrated with certain developments – such as the election
results, or the deteriorating environment, or your inability to tell
apart the Kardashians – that doesn’t mean there isn’t also a lot to
celebrate.<br />
<br />
For instance, you should be thankful for the fact that:<br />
<br />
1) You didn’t go into this month believing, in your heart of hearts,
that you were somehow going to become the president of the United
States.<br />
<br />
2) You’ve managed to keep your illicit affair a secret, or if you
didn’t at least keeping illicit things secret isn’t supposed to be your
primary occupation. Or if it is … we never had this conversation.<br />
<br />
3) You didn’t think that hey, maybe it might be fun to manage the
Boston Red Sox this year.<br />
<br />
4) You didn’t open opposite "The Avengers." ("<a href="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/a_little_bit_of_heaven_2011/" target="_blank">A Little Bit of Heaven</a>" starring Kate Hudson, we
hardly knew ye.)<br />
<br />
5) You weren’t chosen to appear in the Opening Ceremonies for the 2012
London Olympics, which I don’t think ever actually ended – you’d
probably still be there, <a href="http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/2012+Olympic+Games+Opening+Ceremony+yWoqk8Fi27Yl.jpg" target="_blank">pounding on metal canisters while dressed like a
refugee from "Les Miserables."</a><br />
<br />
6) You weren’t the one who had to drive Karl Rove home from Fox News on
election night. Awkward!<br />
<br />
7) You didn’t get nominated in the same category as Adele. ("Firework"
by Katy Perry, we hardly … well, actually <a href="http://www.creamglobal.com/media/1655636/katyperry_firework.jpg" target="_blank">we knew you a little too well</a>.)<br />
<br />
8) You didn’t invest your life savings in the Facebook IPO. And if you
did, don’t worry, because word has it you’ll soon be able to trade your
shares for Farmville cash to buy virtual chickens.<br />
<br />
9) You have a job. Well, 92.1 percent of you have a job. The rest of
you will have to stick with the Farmville cash.<br />
<br />
10) Donald Trump has not taken an interest in any of your personal
records. Yet.<br />
<br />
11) The NCAA hasn’t imposed any sanctions on you. Yet.<br />
<br />
12) You’re not dating Taylor Swift, because let’s face it, that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WA4iX5D9Z64" target="_blank">wouldn’t
end well</a>.<br />
<br />
13) You weren’t locked out of your job and forced to work in Slovakia
with Lubomir Visnovsky, no matter how much fun it may be to say "Lubomir
Visnovsky."</div>
14) You weren’t the one who had to drive Big Bird home from Sesame
Street after the first debate. Awkward!<br />
<br />
15) You haven’t started any sort of petition or campaign against Ellen
DeGeneres, because let’s face it, that’s just crazy talk.<br />
<br />
16) While the Fiscal Cliff could wind up pushing the country back into
crippling recession, you won’t LITERALLY have to go over a cliff, like
lemmings or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_hwerqogzQ" target="_blank">Toonces, the cat who could drive a car</a>.<br />
<br />
17) You’re not the backup quarterback for the New York Jets.<br />
<br />
18) You didn’t invest your life savings in "<a href="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/rock_of_ages_2012/" target="_blank">Rock of Ages</a>," the Tom Cruise musical. And if you
did, don’t worry, because it might manage to make back its cost in
foreign markets where they’ve never heard music before.<br />
<br />
19) You haven’t said anything within range of Joe Biden that might make
him open his mouth to emit a thunderous guffaw, blinding you with the
overpowering glow that emanates from his incisors.<br />
<br />
20) Last time you filled in for somebody at work it probably didn’t
result in the Patriots losing to the freaking Cardinals and you getting
booed by 70,000 drunk people.<br />
<br />
21) Clint Eastwood hasn’t gone anywhere near your furniture.<br />
<br />
22) You probably won’t be standing between David Lee Roth and Eddie Van
Halen when they finally come to blows, the sheer force of the
altercation causing their decrepit bodies to crumble into a chalky dust
that smells vaguely of bourbon.<br />
<br />
23) You haven’t been rebooted in 3-D.<br />
<br />
24) You’re not a candidate for office who thought it would be a good
campaign move to tell women you know more about their bodies than they
do. And if you are: Dude, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?<br />
<br />
25) Even if you did go into this month believing that you were somehow
going to become the president of the United States … At least you didn’t
manage the Boston Red Sox.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-22356474707430208902012-10-29T11:08:00.000-04:002012-12-26T11:09:30.648-05:00AT LARGE FAKE NEWS MONDAY: Chris Christie Praises Sen. Scott Brown, Eats Him<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/stories/2012/201210/201210016full.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://www.cap-news.com/stories/2012/201210/201210016full.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (CAP) - Sen. Scott Brown was joined yesterday on
the campaign trail in Framingham by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, one
of the nation's leading champions of balanced budgets and government
reform.<br />
<br />
There, Christie praised Brown's bipartisan record and his ability to
work with Democrats to solve problems, and then swallowed him whole.<br />
<br />
<script language="Javascript" type="text/javascript"><!--
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--></script>Witnesses say Christie extolled Brown's bipartisan efforts in the
Senate, and then unhinged his jaw, not unlike a giant, corpulent
serpent, and ate Brown from the head down, slowly drawing the senator
into his tremendous gullet and digesting him over a period of several
hours.<br />
<br />
Christie, who was named the <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201108004">"least scary" and
"fattest" potential GOP presidential contender</a> in a USA Today/Gallup
poll in August of 2011, has only rarely eaten his fellow Republicans,
but today reportedly went on stage hungry after missing his usual lunch
of 2,625 pounds of zooplankton.<br />
<br />
"I really respect Christie's positions on fiscal issues," noted Cyndi
Carlson of Sherborn, Mass., who added that she'd been undecided until
Christie's endorsement prompted her to go for Brown. "Until Christie ate
him, that is. I guess I'll have to vote for <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201210010">Elizabeth Warren</a>
now."<br />
<br />
[<i><a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201210016" target="_blank">Read the rest at CAP News</a></i>.] Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-45470044616022047312012-10-22T10:47:00.000-04:002012-12-26T11:10:29.130-05:00Column: What did Ella Fitzgerald do to deserve Rod Stewart? <div class="entry-content-pagination">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizl2ZzI0xVzI5da_jLhLJ35NUVfECr6wLqaWUQuiiEKx1OCwm1JKVxzQ9dyaKv0esfLMt76kFYLLaIZPQul4SH2tM4232ShfuuAsOjI8n_ADRQ2RYy5Cs2Jvgi7WTRbqJRU9Kz/s1600/43574+MA_NS_rod.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="338" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizl2ZzI0xVzI5da_jLhLJ35NUVfECr6wLqaWUQuiiEKx1OCwm1JKVxzQ9dyaKv0esfLMt76kFYLLaIZPQul4SH2tM4232ShfuuAsOjI8n_ADRQ2RYy5Cs2Jvgi7WTRbqJRU9Kz/s400/43574+MA_NS_rod.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Followers of this column may recall that I am used to receiving emails
from famous people — for instance, there was the time that <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/northofboston/columnists/x1720552850#axzz29w6wforu" target="_blank">Joan Collins sent me three identical emails</a> about
her new jewelry line. Of course that was in 2007 and I haven’t heard
from her since, but I’m sure she’ll get back in touch with me if she has
anything really important to share, such as another new jewelry line.<br />
<br />
But I have to admit I was surprised this week when I got an email from
none other than Rod Stewart. At first I wondered what Rod Stewart could
possibly want with me — I figured he wasn’t emailing to ask for $5 like
Barack Obama and Joe Biden do two or three times a day, since Rod
Stewart has plenty of money, which he uses on important charitable
activities such as buying himself new wives.<br />
<br />
As it turns out, though, Rod was writing me to <a href="http://zaphod.uk.vvhp.net/viewemail?con=10819123&cmp=7296&act=246331&sec=23fe55e3f6f7&webversionpage=1" target="_blank">let me know about his impending Christmas album</a>,
“Merry Christmas, Baby.” (I use the word “impending” because “upcoming”
somehow didn’t seem sufficiently apocalyptic.) It was the subject line
of the email that immediately caught my eye: “New album featuring
collaborations with Michael Bublé & Ella Fitzgerald,” a statement so
fundamentally wrong that I’m fairly sure I heard the heavens crack open
and rain a torrent of bitter tears for all eternity.<br />
<br />
I’m not talking about the Michael Bublé part — I don’t know much about
Michael Bublé other than that he’d probably be right at home next to Rod
Stewart, perhaps even joined with him at the torso, like Chang and Eng.
It’s the second part, about dueting with Ella Fitzgerald: For one
thing, Ella Fitzgerald died in 1996, and for another, I’m pretty sure
her final words were, “Well, at least now I’ll never have to do a duet
with Rod Stewart.”<br />
<br />
Not that I’m completely against duets with dead people. I didn’t really
mind the one <a href="http://ttp//www.youtube.com/watch?v=53ith7bNN8w" target="_blank">Natalie Cole did with her late father, Nat King Cole</a>,
which you couldn’t help but think was sweet and moving as long as you’d
taken enough Zoloft. But there are plenty of far worse examples, such
as the album “Duets” by Frank Sinatra, who was alive at the time but
only technically.<br />
<br />
But I’ll go on the record as being completely against the idea of a Rod
Stewart/Ella Fitzgerald “collaboration,” which is really only a
collaboration in the way that eating a hamburger is a collaboration with
the cow. First of all, Ella was known as the “First Lady of Song,” and
pairing her with Rod Stewart would seem to indicate that he was perhaps
the “President of Song.” This is completely and entirely false unless
the song in question happens to be “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hphwfq1wLJs" target="_blank">Do Ya
Think I’m Sexy</a>,” in which case he would be running unopposed.<br />
<br />
Just so as not to jump to any conclusions, though, I did watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7Vmdg9dGig" target="_blank">the
“trailer” for the album</a>, but it didn’t have any snippets from the
Ella duet. (Although it did have a clip of a Christmas video with Cee Lo
Green, who looked sort of like Burl Ives, if Burl Ives had been eaten
by Cee Lo Green.) It also had plenty of Rod Stewart, shamelessly showing
off how he has monopolized the United Kingdom’s entire supply of
gaudily colored plaid jackets. Rod is now 67 and apparently can no
longer lift his arms above chest level, possibly because his skin has
been tightened so many times it’s started to affect his armpits.<br />
<br />
Frankly, though, I don’t have to hear it to know that his duet with
Ella is a bad idea. I’m not saying Rod Stewart should never sing with
other people — for instance, there was that time he sang <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofA3URC1wyk" target="_blank">that
song from “The Three Musketeers” with Bryan Adams and Sting</a>, which
is still reportedly in heavy rotation at the Guantanamo Bay detention
camp.<br />
<br />
But when it comes to Ella — who in her day had mopped up the floor with
such duet partners as Sinatra, Louis Armstrong and Bing Crosby — he’d
be doing himself a favor by sticking with someone more in his league,
and alive enough to make the decision on her own.<br />
<br />
I’m thinking Joan Collins may be available.</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-22125522491479333022012-09-05T06:34:00.000-04:002012-09-05T16:39:02.428-04:00Column: Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!<div class="entry-content-pagination">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://gaiashield.com/images/newdino.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://gaiashield.com/images/newdino.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one
reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing. Then I
discovered there was no Nobel Prize for Column Writing, so I decided
that I actually started doing it to effect positive change in society.
Thus far that’s gone about as well as the Nobel Prize thing, as
evidenced by the lack of traction in my <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/northofboston/columnists/x1699616898/Peter-Chianca-I-m-leaving-on-a-jetpack" target="_blank">campaign to get us all jetpacks</a>.<br />
<br />
Until last week, that is. That’s when <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/northofboston/opinions/x1789228145/Peter-Chianca-Where-are-the-candidates-on-asteroids" target="_blank">my column on giant space asteroids</a> elicited a
sudden flurry of asteroid-related activity. Not among the asteroids,
which are notoriously stubborn and can’t read, but among certain people
who, like myself, do not want to be crushed and incinerated by them, not
necessarily in that order.<br />
<br />
Granted, not all of the activity was useful. For instance, NBC News
(motto: “Wait, what?”) <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48729025/ns/technology_and_science-space/" target="_blank">ran a story</a> about how the 1998 asteroid movie
“Armageddon” was, as it turns out, unrealistic. Fourteen years well
spent, I-Team!<br />
<br />
Actually, they were reporting on a study out of the University of
Leicester, where one 22-year-old master’s student said of the film,
“After watching it back, I found myself being more skeptical.” He also
surmised that Hollywood might be guilty of “falsification of the science
to make movies more interesting.” In response, the University of
Leicester changed its name and left town in the middle of the night.<br />
<br />
But on other fronts the news was more positive, especially among the
one federal agency that might actually be equipped to do something about
the problem of deadly giant space asteroids: the Grain Inspection,
Packers and Stockyards Administration.<br />
<br />
Wait, I meant to say NASA. And as it turns out, NASA’s Extreme
Environment Mission Operations (NEEMO, and I swear I did not make that
up) <a href="http://venturebeat.com/2012/08/21/nasa-blow-up-an-asteroid-video/" target="_blank">thinks that we actually have a pretty good chance</a>
against an oncoming asteroid – if, that is, we’re willing to spend <a href="http://www.networkworld.com/community/node/81240" target="_blank">$50
million on an asteroid spotting system</a>. Just to put that in
perspective, I should mention:<br />
<ol>
<li>
“Rush Hour 3” cost $140 million.</li>
<li>
See No. 1.</li>
</ol>
If we were to pony up and start actively searching for oncoming
asteroids, that would no doubt come as good news to the Gaiashield
Group, one of the few organized bodies out there working to keep us all
from being crushed, incinerated etc. They also happen to have what may
be the Best Website Ever (<a href="http://gaiashield.com/" target="_blank">gaiashield.com</a>), in that it features:<br />
<ul>
</ul>
<ol>
<li>
<a href="http://gaiashield.com/two.html" target="_blank">The motto “The Sky Is Falling Now!” over a picture of a Tyrannosaurus Rex running from falling meteors</a>.</li>
<li>
See No. 1.</li>
</ol>
<ul>
</ul>
The Gaiashield people, incidentally, are not thrilled with how
President Obama has handled the giant space asteroid crisis so far. They
even have a <a href="http://dearpotus.com/NPDAPOTUS3O.pdf" target="_blank">personal letter to him</a> on their website, which
reads, in part, “The Next Large Asteroid on its way to strike Earth is
closing at A Million Miles A Day. Time is simply not on our side here …
Tic Toc!” Say what you will about the Gaiashield Group, you have to
admit the “Tic Toc!” was a nice touch.<br />
<br />
But at least Obama seems to have a general idea that we should probably
be doing something about giant space asteroids. According to Dale
Brownfield of Gaiashield, who wrote me after reading my column, “I’m
sure Romney still needs to be taken to school on this.” Most likely a
private preparatory school that frowns upon blacks, gays and giant space
asteroids.<br />
<br />
Still, that brings me back to my point of last week: If Romney wants to
become president, it seems to me all he has to do is come up with the
$50 million to fund NASA’s asteroid spotting project. He could probably
do that entirely from money he could find today around his house, under
the couch cushions and on top of the car under the dog. I bet he’d even
have plenty left over to spend on other projects.<br />
<br />
I recommend jetpacks.</div>
Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-32714030988766856702012-08-30T06:17:00.000-04:002012-08-30T06:17:00.329-04:00At Large Fake News Thursday: Photogs Spy Prince Charles Nude In Stoke-on-Trent<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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STAFFORDSHIRE (CAP) - Apparently taking a cue from his randy son
Prince Harry, Prince Charles is the latest royal to find himself in hot
water thanks to some unfortunate photos turning up in the British
tabloids.<br />
<br />
The Prince of Wales was photographed this past weekend cavorting nude
with his wife Camilla Parker Bowles following a game of "strip cricket"
in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire. In one picture, a stark naked Charles
is seen obscuring his genitalia behind a wicket bail.<br />
<br />
"You'd think he would have used the bat, just to keep up appearances,
wot?" said Nigel Tambling-Goggin, publisher of the London <span style="font-style: italic;">Star-Mirror</span>, which ran the photos on
its front page.<br />
<br />
In another photo, the naked Charles gives a bear-hug from behind to
Parker Bowles, who appears to be wearing a gray leather bodysuit.<br />
<br />
"But it turns out that's actually her skin - she's as starkers as he
is!" said Tambling-Goggin.<br />
<br />
"You'll notice the people retching in the background," he pointed out,
before having to turn away to avoid becoming physically ill. "Blimey ...
I'm starting to wonder if this press freedom is really worth it," he
added, wiping sweat from his brow.<br />
<br />
The photos were apparently snapped by a group of pensioners who were in
town for the Newcastle-under-Lyme Pottery Festival and Extravaganza.
Stoke-on-Trent, part of a conurbation considered to be the pottery
capital of Great Britain, is known for the wild antics "one might expect
from such a pottery haven," according to tourism brochures distributed
by the North Staffordshire Chamber of Commerce and Industry (NSCCI).<br />
<br />
But those antics are not meant to be broadcast beyond the local borders,
says NSCCI president Cornelia Trickelbank. "As we say around here, what
happens in Stoke-on-Trent stays in Stoke-on-Trent," said Trickelbank.
"Or at least doesn't go any further than Newcastle-under-Lyme, or, on
extremely rare occasions, Wolstanton.<br />
<br />
"You get the idea," she added.<br />
<br />
[<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208017" target="_blank"><i>Read the rest at CAP News</i></a>.] Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-12708283148927619732012-08-28T14:02:00.000-04:002012-08-28T14:02:06.661-04:00When Bruce Springsteen met Pete ...Yes, I know: The title of this post might give you the idea that Bruce
Springsteen and I recently sat down over Cabernet and crullers to
discuss music theory and world politics. Actually, our encounter was
slightly more fleeting — it took place during the final chorus of “Tenth
Avenue Freeze Out” at Gillette Stadium, when Bruce was running by me at
the approximate speed of a charging rhino. But never mind that — what’s
important is that it was CAPTURED ON FILM.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTogr7CIFwCcL0CzPpDcNOxTRGDtp2j4FjDljU-GRcVGVXJdcwfmNKAwTT_dj-9Xq2yP5jSsHhjg0Wjk0Qsq8sx1ltWalYu_E5LZjvD7Mz5LN4FG4JqMyo9jiIsOchWCAEz-6-/s1600/bruce_pete.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTogr7CIFwCcL0CzPpDcNOxTRGDtp2j4FjDljU-GRcVGVXJdcwfmNKAwTT_dj-9Xq2yP5jSsHhjg0Wjk0Qsq8sx1ltWalYu_E5LZjvD7Mz5LN4FG4JqMyo9jiIsOchWCAEz-6-/s400/bruce_pete.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Well, maybe not film per se — this is actually a screenshot from a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YKTm5shANs" target="_blank">YouTube
video</a>. But as you can see, it looks exactly like Bruce has just
told me a very humorous anecdote (possibly involving Stevie Van Zandt
getting thrown out of some amusement park or another), and I’m
responding with a hearty guffaw. Or maybe I was just delirious from my
temporary proximity to his sweaty aura. One of those two things.<br />
<br />
If you're interested in my take on Springsteen's recent concerts in Boston, I wrote A LOT about it. Check out reviews of <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/northofboston/features/x1789226221/Review-Springsteen-delivers-a-moving-house-party-at-Fenway-Park" target="_blank">Fenway night 1</a>, <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/northofboston/features/x1789226814/REVIEW-Springsteen-s-second-Fenway-show-spotlights-a-loose-Bruce" target="_blank">Fenway night 2</a> and <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/northofboston/features/x1587349307/Review-Springsteen-s-Gillette-show-caps-stunning-Boston-Bruce-week" target="_blank">Gillette Stadium</a>. And check out more (much more!) at <a href="http://blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen/#axzz24rf5yH9C" target="_blank">Blogness on the Edge of Town</a>.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-3077779194662432152012-08-24T06:19:00.000-04:002012-08-27T16:20:12.718-04:00Column: Where do the candidates stand on asteroids?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJie8D9IcjHmqaakzMyT0DwKsRb7ffP2xYeSpqKkCytaeBlP2Cr8OYuPVXKWOgViWUVdl76YEimVJHm-z4CmGgCYK3FBlGkZS-g4YSp5hlK5BAA3QQfkFA34RC8IPEBj04cibl/s1600/72105+MA_NS_asteroid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="327" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJie8D9IcjHmqaakzMyT0DwKsRb7ffP2xYeSpqKkCytaeBlP2Cr8OYuPVXKWOgViWUVdl76YEimVJHm-z4CmGgCYK3FBlGkZS-g4YSp5hlK5BAA3QQfkFA34RC8IPEBj04cibl/s400/72105+MA_NS_asteroid.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
I’m very concerned that despite a growing disgust among the populace,
the presidential candidates continue to dwell on extraneous topics like
taxes and the economy and refuse to address what’s most important to the
American public: namely, what they’re going to do to keep us from
getting hit by a giant space asteroid.<br />
<br />
Personally, getting hit by a giant space asteroid is currently my own
top concern, even more so than my concerns over a <a href="http://www.wickedlocal.com/beverly/newsnow/x1439479387/Peter-Chianca-Zombies-and-power-outages-don-t-mix#axzz242ScGRZW" target="_blank">zombie apocalypse</a>. This is because while the latter
is definitely unpleasant, it’s never happened before, whereas it seems
there was a time when earth was being pelted practically nonstop by
space asteroids, like some giant, unfortunate pinball bumper.<br />
<br />
I’m basing my information on a book I’m reading, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/A-Short-History-Nearly-Everything/dp/0767908171" target="_blank">A Short History of Nearly Everything</a>" by Bill
Bryson. It came out in 2003, but since I’m just getting around to
reading it now I’m hoping that "everything" hasn’t changed too much
during the past nine years. I do know we haven’t been hit by a giant
asteroid during that time, because as Bryson makes very clear, I would
have heard about it.<br />
<br />
For instance, if we were to be visited by a meteor like the one that <a href="http://www.igsb.uiowa.edu/browse/manson99/manson.htm" target="_blank">hit Manson, Iowa 74 million years ago</a>, immediately
before it hit "the temperature below it would rise to some 60,000
Kelvin, or ten times the surface temperature of the Sun … Everything in
the meteor’s path – people, houses, factories, cars – would crinkle and
vanish like cellophane in a flame." And after that, things would get
really bad.<br />
<br />
I won’t go into the graphic details. (Earthquakes? Check. Volcanoes?
Check. "Blizzard of flying projectiles?" Checkeroo.) But you’d think
that with literally millions of these things flying around the heavens,
protecting us, the citizenry, from crinkling like cellophane would be a
no-brainer of a campaign platform. By contrast, Medicare reform does
very little to help a senior population that’s been incinerated.<br />
<br />
And yet, according to Bryson, "the number of people in the world who
are actively searching for asteroids is fewer than the <a href="http://rahma47.blogstudent.mb.ipb.ac.id/files/2012/02/07-484_7.jpg" target="_blank">staff of a typical McDonald’s restaurant</a>." About
the only good news about that statement is that at least asteroid
hunters have advanced degrees and are unlikely to do unpleasant things
in the Fryolator.<br />
<br />
This is why, if I were running for national office (an experience I
imagine is not unlike being hit by a blizzard of flying projectiles), I
would do so based almost exclusively on the giant space asteroid
platform, making the following promises:<br />
<br />
1) I would immediately create a Division of Asteroid Hunters (DAH) that
would employ thousands of people to sit on mountaintops staring through
telescopes into outer space. When one of them spotted an asteroid
headed in this direction, they would point at it and shout "ASTEROID!"
This is what is known as a "job creator."<br />
<br />
2) I would order NASA to immediately stop paying all that attention to
Mars, which has pretty much no chance of slamming into us, ever.<br />
<br />
3) Instead, I would have them start training an elite team of asteroid
blower-uppers, like in the movie "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq6q2BrTino" target="_blank">Armageddon</a>."
I never saw that movie but I’m reasonably sure that it involved Bruce
Willis and Ben Affleck blowing up asteroids, possibly while listening to
Aerosmith songs.<br />
<br />
There are still a few details to work out – for instance, Bryson points
out that even if we managed to blow up an oncoming asteroid, it would
probably just slam into us in a bunch of pieces, "with the difference
that now the rocks would be intensely radioactive." This is what is
known as "class warfare."<br />
<br />
So here’s hoping that either President Obama or Gov. Romney take up the
call – whomever adopts the giant space asteroid platform first is bound
to sway the ever-important independent voter who doesn’t want to be hit
by a giant space asteroid. After all, if the fact that it’s estimated
an asteroid could take out 1.5 billion humans in a single day isn’t
enough to sway the public, the candidates can always point out the
following:<br />
<br />
A certain number of those humans are bound to wind up as zombies.Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11280690.post-69484225519668652282012-08-16T06:36:00.000-04:002012-08-27T16:36:43.040-04:00At Large Fake News Thursday: Oops! Mars Rover Tech Forgot To Pack The Big Lens<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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PASADENA (CAP) - In one of the few disappointments so far involving
the Mars rover Curiosity - which landed on the red planet last week -
several technicians were reportedly horrified to find NASA's F-7000 High
Density Lens in a storage closet at their jet propulsion lab yesterday.<br />
<br />
The lens, which NASA scientists developed over five years at a cost of
approximately $350 million, was supposed to have been mounted to the
rear of the rover, where it would take in-depth photographs at a far
higher resolution than those that have been transmitted by the device so
far.<br />
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"I know we certainly intended to put it there," the project's head
imaging technician Kris Hanford told CAP News. "I'm pretty sure Carl was
supposed to do it."<br />
<br />
Carl, a NASA technician who declined to give his last name, said he
definitely mounted something there, but now he's thinking it might have
been something other than the F-7000, like a piece of PVC pipe.<br />
<br />
"The funny thing is, I remember when we stored the lens in there I
thought, <span style="font-style: italic;">I wonder why we're putting
this in here with all this PVC pipe?</span>" Carl recalled.<br />
<br />
The news was reportedly not taken well when it was announced to mission
control, where dozens of men broke instantaneously into tears, crying
uncontrollably down the fronts of their powder blue golf shirts.<br />
<br />
Adam Seltzner, the NASA scientist who had been preparing to study the
images that were to be sent back from Curiosity using the F-7000, was
particularly inconsolable, given that he now has nothing to do for the
next five years.<br />
<br />
"F-ing Carl!" sobbed Seltzner, removing his horn-rimmed glasses to rub
his bloodshot eyes. "I'm still convinced he was the one who put the <a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201001002">bad tire on the
Spirit rover</a> in 2010."<br />
<br />
"It wasn't a tire so much as an old piece of rubber," recalled Carl.
"But I'm pretty sure it was circular."<br />
<br />
[<a href="http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201208009" target="_blank"><i>Read the rest at CAP News</i></a>.] Pete Chiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05374698498226433100noreply@blogger.com0