Thursday, November 30, 2006

Limoncellos for everybody!

Meant to blog tonight, but I'm going out drinking with George Clooney. You can catch me tomorrow on "The View"!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Paris taught her everything she
knows about not wearing underwear

In today's celebrity marital breakdown news, a big "Hah!" to all of you who predicted that Britney wouldn't be able to bounce back from her split with Kevin Federline. It took mere weeks for Britney to be photographed being groped by Paris Hilton and generating headlines like "Britney Spears Flashes Privates, Gets Press." And that was from ABC News, so you can only imagine what the headlines at E! are saying.

We here at At Large just want to say, good for Britney! So what if she has no idea where her kids are? Surely some nanny is looking after them. Meanwhile, Britney, before you get back on the horse completely, you may want to invest in a pair of these.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Meanwhile, most people are
giving the divorce about six months

Darn it ... This time I really thought it was going to last. Never mind what I said in July.

But I guess the romance of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock is really the same old story: How many of us have had lavish wedding ceremonies in in France, California, Michigan and Tennessee, only to wake up four months later and realize that we were married to a scuzzy dirtbag and/or a trashy bimbo?

No reason yet for the breakup, but I think we all know who Kid Rock is really in love with. Meanwhile, it looks like it will be up to a judge to decide custody of the tremendous bosoms.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

This week's column:
So this is the thanks dads get

I can’t help but wonder why, when Thanksgiving rolls around, no one ever asks us dads advice on the holiday meal. You’d think all we were capable of on Thanksgiving was stuffing our faces and lying on the couch with our distended bellies hanging over our loosened belts, which is patently untrue. We also watch football.

But some of us fathers just happen to know our way around a kitchen. For instance, I am recognized throughout my household for my expert preparation of the following meals:
  1. Hot dogs;
  2. Tacos, from box;
  3. Salami sandwiches (note: does not technically involve cooking).

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Just make sure to also adopt
some cranberry sauce and gravy

Yes, Thanksgiving is so close that many of you are already seated at the head of your dining room table with your bib on, knife and fork clutched in your sweaty palms. OK, I'm talking about me.

But while eating a big dead turkey is probably part of your plans, it's not too late to make up for some of the bad karma doing that is bound to engender. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about adopting a turkey.

It seems Farm Sanctuary in Millis, Mass. has rescued more than 1,000 turkeys, "and more than450 have been adopted to loving homes throughout the U.S." Because lets face it, what could be better than that moment when you come home from work and your pet turkey runs to the door, jumps up into your arms and nuzzles you until you scratch his waddle?

I should mention that this activity is endorsed by Charlotte Ross, pictured above, who is listed on the Adopt-a-Turkey website as a celebrity. I've never heard of her, but what do we need to know other than that she's willing to get down on her knees and share some sugar with a turkey? But if that's not good enough for you, just ask Gloria.

Monday, November 20, 2006

So much for the rumor that Chris Klein
and the guys from 'American Pie' were
going to kidnap her for deprogramming

Well, the TomKat wedding has come and gone, ending with what news reports have described as a kiss that was "never-ending," not unlike the eternal pole on which Tom Cruise seems determined to fly his freak-flag.

But wait a minute -- a high-profile wedding, a bizarre guest list, a freakily long kiss seemingly designed to elicit viewer discomfort ... What is this whole scenario reminding me of?

Oh, right.

Well, best of luck to all!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

This week's column:
Living off the fat of the land

It's always difficult to adjust your eating habits this time of year, when you're transitioning between leftover Halloween candy and a diet consisting almost entirely of stuffing. One option is to try to limit yourself to vegetables and whole grains in anticipation of upcoming holiday binging. Or, you can go to Arizona for an 8,000-calorie cheeseburger.

Hmmm ... I wonder how much flights to Tempe are these days?

I'm referring, of course, to the Quadruple Bypass Burger, which made headlines recently for being 8,000 calories and roughly the size of a human head. It has four slabs of beef totaling 2 pounds, three layers of cheese, four layers of bacon, lettuce, tomato and who knows what else ... paparazzi are rumored to have been picking through them in search of Kevin Federline.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I always thought of it
more as a lifestyle choice

I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone wanted "Jedi Knight" recognized as an actual religion. And sure enough two people from Britain -- "Umada" and "Yunyun," also known as John Wilkinson and Charlotte Law -- have done just that, saying, "Like the UN, the Jedi Knights are peacekeepers and we feel we have the basic right to express our religion through wearing our robes." Well, I'll tell you this, buckos, you have to do a lot more than wear robes to be as effective as actual UN peacekeepers! Oh wait, not really.

Regardless, anyone with half a brain knows that Umada and Yunyun are crazy to ask to be officially recognized as Jedis. For one thing, too old to start the training are they.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Watch your back, Emmitt ...
Karina may be waiting in the
parking lot with an ice pick

Well, I voted for Emmit Smith (yeah -- I voted ... you got a problem with that? It's my duty as an American), so I'm happy for him. But some guys really have all the luck -- to be a three-time Super Bowl winner and have possession of the cheesy disco ball trophy? Spread it around, my friend!

But instead of wallowing, I'm going to follow Emmit's lead and reach for that seemingly unattainable goal. That's right: I'm going to become the NFL's all-time leading rusher!

Or maybe just try to wear green sparkly shoes without getting beaten up ...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

This week's column:
Going from bad to Worcester

You should always figure you’re probably in trouble if you find yourself asking the question, "How hard could it be?" You know, like, "How hard could it be to replace the Central Artery with an underground tunnel?" or, "How hard could it be to establish a democratic government in the heart of the Middle East?"

After an experience I had last week, I’ll add another question to that list: "How hard could it be to kill a couple of hours in Worcester, Mass.?"

It started when I volunteered to drive my wife and daughter to Worcester (pronounced "Woosta-chestah-shire") to see the Cheetah Girls at the DCU Center. For the uninformed, the Cheetah Girls are a trio of squeaky-clean multicultural teenagers who sing and dance in Disney Channel movies. And they’re not the same as the Pussycat Dolls -- boy, did I find that out the hard way.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

This week's column:
Every dog has his Election Day

With Election Day coming up, it’s worth noting that although voter turnout continues to be abysmal, most polling places have yet to institute any kind of free giveaways, like toasters or scratch tickets. Polls of non-voters continue to point to this as a huge error -- even at a blood drive you at least get cookies.

But the main thing keeping people away from the polls, it turns out, is the fact that voters are confused and intimidated. They have a lot of questions: Who should they vote for? How will the issues on the ballot affect them in the future? Which of these candidates would warrant an "8" or better from Bruno Tonioli? Etc.

Well, first of all, before deciding which candidate to vote for in a particular race, you should make sure to do each of the following:

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.