Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Column: To the moon, Newton!

Dear Resident:

Hello and welcome to the Newton Leroy Gingrich Moon Base, the United States of America’s first fully functional moon colony and condominium complex!

As you know, this facility has been years in the making, started during President Gingrich’s first term in office as U.S. president and completed just last year, fortunately prior to the Great Government Financial Meltdown of 2020. The president himself actually moved here even before finishing his final term, after thousands of angry but misguided homeless people chased him and his most recent First Lady, Lindsay Lohan Gingrich, from the White House.

We’re sure you will find living at Gingrich Moon Base to be enjoyable and relaxing, without hordes of former homeowners clogging the streets like in your neighborhood back home. But there are just a few simple rules all residents must follow to make life here safe and enjoyable for all.

1) Your security fee must be paid promptly upon your arrival. This helps to fund our police and security personnel, who are fully trained to protect us from itinerant space aliens and former homeowners who get here by hiding on the shuttle, and Mormons.

2) The building superintendent must supervise all moves to ensure that you don’t accidentally damage the airtight dome, causing the population of the colony to be sucked out into space. Doing so will result in a $500 fine.

3) Do not admit anybody into the dome except visitors who are expected and can be identified on the intercom. If a visitor says he is delivering flowers or has come to fix the sink, but sounds like his mouth is covered by an imposing black helmet and loud breathing apparatus, or like he just emerged from someone’s chest cavity, or that he lost his home on Earth, do not admit him or her without checking with the superintendent.

4) Aside from the twice-annual bus trip to the lunar poles, sunbathing is prohibited, except for Mrs. Gingrich when she’s working on her tan in a Barbarella-style silver catsuit. Mrowr!

5) Specific spaces are assigned for residents to store their jet packs. If you have a visitor, please make sure he or she does not park his or her jet pack in an area reserved for your neighbor. Also, please make sure the visitor didn’t just emerge from someone’s chest cavity. (See No. 3.)

6) When Rollerblading, golfing or bouncing along on the moon’s surface, stepping on Neil Armstrong’s footprints is strictly prohibited, even if it’s just to see if you have the same size foot as he does.

7) Do not ring both elevators at the same time. It’s annoying.

8) Waste disposal: Please remember that the lavatories and garbage disposals all flush upwards here. Fortunately it’s usually slow enough to get out of the way in time, but still, be vigilant, and always close the lid.

9) Dogs and cats are permitted, although they must be leashed at all times. Management is not responsible for pets or children that float away.

10) Some believe that dozens of monkeys were sent secretly to the moon by the USSR in the late 1960s, and that they have taken refuge in underground moon caves, where their numbers have grown as they plot their revenge on the humans who sent them here. This is simply an “urban legend.” However, if you see monkeys coming, run.

11) If someone is believed to be in violation of any of the provisions of the declarations and bylaws or the rules and regulations, those complaints can be brought directly to Mr. Gingrich, whose idea this was in the first place. But please keep in mind that even though life on the moon can sometimes be challenging, with the reduced gravity, the lack of plant or animal life and the great, choking storms of moon dust, it could be worse.

You could still be one of those poor suckers back on Earth.

Monday, January 30, 2012

AT LARGE Fake News Monday: GOP Offers To Make Gingrich President Of Moon

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In an apparent effort to mend the rift within their own party, Republican leaders have suggested that if he drops out of the presidential primary race, the GOP will gladly support Newt Gingrich as the first president of the moon should the candidate's plan for a moon colony come to pass.

"We're sure that Gov. Romney would be happy to take up the Speaker's idea of establishing a moon colony as a U.S. state, or whatever it was he proposed, as long as he drops out of the race," suggested current Speaker of the House John Boehner. "And then, once it's established, we can send Newt up to be president of that."

"Hopefully sooner rather than later," he added, effusively.

More and more, the GOP establishment has been rallying around Romney out of fear that Gingrich may end up winning the nomination and prove unelectable against Barack Obama come November.

Even conservative firebrand Ann Coulter, a Romney supporter, has turned on Gingrich. On Fox And Friends this week she called him the "least conservative" of the GOP candidates and noted that he didn't even support her 2006 campaign against puppies and orphans.

"What kind of conservative doesn't support something like that?" she asked, suggesting that Gingrich may have even at one point secretly been an orphan, or a puppy. "Either way I'd like to crush his big gourd of a head underneath my boot heel," she added as Steve Doocy backed away, slowly.

For his part, Romney said he could definitely get behind Rep. Boehner's suggestion of taking up Gingrich's moon plan should Gingrich leave the race.

"There's nothing I'd like better than to see Speaker Gingrich on the moon," said Romney, drawing prompt agreement from the likes of Sen. Tom Coburn, former Sen. Bob Dole, CNN's John King, Gingrich's first wife and Gingrich's second wife.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Column: Bob Dylan tribute both far- and way-out

Listening to “Chimes of Freedom,” the new 76-song Bob Dylan tribute to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Amnesty International (motto: “Keeping You Out of Jail Since 1962”), is almost a stream-of-consciousness experience. There are so many styles — rock, punk, folk, country, reggae, cabaret and even classical are all represented — you sometimes feel like you’ve accidentally stumbled into the most way-out coffeehouse in some alternate-universe Greenwich Village, sitting on a beanbag chair between Sinead O’Connor and the Kronos Quartet.

Two overarching impressions become clear fairly quickly: One, it really is impossible to ruin a Bob Dylan song (although he’s mangled a few himself over the years), and two, none of these manages the tricky task of surpassing the original. Beyond that, it’s probably best to just pull up a beanbag and let the impressions flow:

Johnny Cash’s newly recorded duet of “One Too Many Mornings” with the Avett Brothers shows that he’s the best-sounding dead guy still releasing records. (Sorry, Elvis.)

How does Tom Morello get his guitar to make those noises? I think it may actually be a space alien he has trained as a pet.

I want to have Diana Krall and Elvis Costello over to dinner. I get the sense she’d hang politely on my every word, and he’d complain about the fish.

Yes, it’s impossible to ruin a Bob Dylan song. But Ke$ha comes close with “Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright” … I think she may have had stomach cramps. Or something else I don’t want to know about.

Seventy-six songs and no “Positively 4th Street”? They’ve got a lotta nerve.

All this time I wondered what “Love Sick” was missing, and now that I’ve heard Mariachi El Bronx’s version, finally I know: Maracas!

Mark Knopfler has sounded like he’s been waking up from a nap since 1995. That’s better than Sting, who’s apparently still asleep, and Jackson Browne, who’s in a medically induced coma. And judging from “Corinna, Corrina,” I fear Pete Townshend may have already shuffled off this mortal coil. RIP, Pete.

Wow, this is a really nice country version of “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.” Wait, it’s Miley Cyrus? Excuse me while my head explodes.

It’s official: Everyone in the world has now covered “Make You Feel My Love.” But Adele’s may be the best. (Sorry, Billy Joel. And Garth Brooks. And Joan Osborne. And …)

A punk Dylan tribute needs to happen, judging by these versions of “Desolation Row” by My Chemical Romance, “Ballad of Hollis Brown” by Rise Against, “The Times They Are A-Changin’” by Flogging Molly and “Song to Woody” by Silverstein, all of which make me want to break something. I mean that in a good way.

Isn’t “I Shall Be Released” sort of the unofficial Amnesty theme song? So why is Maroon 5 singing it like it’s in the background of an Applebee’s commercial?

Michael Franti can’t believe he gets paid for this.

Eskimos must have hundreds of words for “boring,” because every one of them fits Kris Kristofferson’s version of “Quinn the Eskimo.”

Paul Rodgers and Nils Lofgren turn a Dylan song you’ve probably never heard, “Abandoned Love,” into an instant classic. That’s how it’s done, whippersnappers and sleepy old dudes!

Mick Hucknall and Jim James of My Morning Jacket need to have a Bob-off to see who does the best Dylan impersonation. Jimmy Fallon can be the judge. (He’s not on here, but he should be.)

Natasha Bedingfield can ring my bells anytime! Wait, that came out wrong.

Finally, even if the Dylan-cover soundtrack to “I’m Not There” is generally better, at $18 for the MP3 version of “Chimes of Freedom” you’re paying 23 cents per song — the majority of which are keepers — and supporting a good cause. Bob would want you to buy it.

And if you don’t, don’t blame me when you go to jail.

For a full track list and more information, visit amnestyusa.org. Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Study - Nickelodeon Writers High 22 Hours Per Day

NEW YORK (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center has found that writers for the cable network Nickelodeon, featuring children's programs such as Big Time Rush and iCarly, are high on various, primarily illegal substances an average of 22 hours of every day.

"It's fascinating - one might expect that they were high during work hours, looking at their output," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel, who conducted the study. "But apparently their states of inebriation stretch far beyond the end of business hours.

"It seems they need to remain impaired to withstand the ... wait, let me check my notes ... 'depressing, almost soul-crushing nature' of the work," he said. "Interestingly, almost all of them used that exact phrase."

According to the study, the substances the writers used to sustain their almost perpetual state of drug-fueled intoxication seem to vary depending on the show they work on. For instance, the writers for SpongeBob SquarePants, who generally reported the highest level of job satisfaction among the Nickelodeon writers, use marijuana almost exclusively.

Writers for iCarly, on the other hand, use "tremendous" amounts of cocaine to get through their workdays, while writers for the new Fred Show, featuring frenetic YouTube sensation Fred Figglehorn, spend most of the day huffing Dust-Off, a computer cleaning spray.

"It hasn't been officially reported, but for at least three Fred writers, the habit has apparently proved fatal," said Spitznagel. "General consensus among the surviving writers was that the victims were better off."

The constant drug use has had its negative effects on the various productions, particularly when it's spread to the performers, the study found. For instance, police were called to the set of iCarly when Jennette McCurdy, who plays Sam on the show, tore off a stagehand's arm and beat him with it in a cocaine-fueled rage.

"Then there are all those times she did that completely sober," said her co-star Jerry Trainor, who admitted to being "deathly afraid" of her.

The constant drug use at Nickelodeon stands in stark contrast to practices at rival network the Disney Channel, where the writing staffs are reportedly motivated by routine beatings.

"And starvation," added one Wizards Of Waverly Place writer who declined to be named.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: John Edwards Suffering From Serious Karma Condition

GREENSBORO, N.C. (CAP) - A federal judge disclosed Friday that former presidential candidate John Edwards has a life-threatening karma condition, a court source confirmed to CAP News.

Edwards' criminal corruption trial has been delayed until at least March 26, according to the court source. Judge Catherine Eagles said she has been in contact with Edwards' karmalogist, who recommended a postponement, saying Edwards might not survive the massive bout of karma he finds himself facing.

Edwards is accused of violating federal election law by using nearly $1 million in illegal campaign donations to conceal an extramarital affair with his videographer, Rielle Hunter. Edwards admitted to making a sex tape and fathering a daughter with Hunter while his wife, Elizabeth, was dying of cancer.

"Given his background, it is not surprising that he is susceptible to bad karma," noted the karmalogist, Dr. Aagneya Deshpande, who added that he's somewhat surprised that Edwards hasn't already been crushed by some large falling object, like a boulder.

"Something very, very, very, very bad is coming at John Edwards like a runaway freight train," said Dr. Deshpande. "I'm just saying."

One legal expert, Professor Tom Patrick of the Ave Maria School of Law, said he doubted that Edwards' karma condition would influence a jury verdict.

"Edwards' serious problems with karma may prompt the public, including potential jurors, to view him in a more sympathetic light," said Patrick. "But probably not. I mean, how can you not hate the guy?"

"I'm just saying," added Patrick.

It's true that even if Edwards' survives his karma issues, attorneys are expected to have difficulty finding a jury not predisposed to hating his guts.

"To this day, whenever his name gets mentioned, my wife punches me," said Mark Fresnel, 45, of San Antonio, Texas. Fresnel is one of several men who took part in a Pew Research Center study that showed many women were taking Edwards' behavior out on their husbands. "If I got on that jury I'd vote for the death penalty."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Saturday, January 14, 2012

AT LARGE Fake News Saturday: Guards Beat Up Candidates Trying To Kiss Beyonce's Baby

NEW YORK (CAP) - While en route from New Hampshire to South Carolina, several GOP presidential candidates stopped in New York and were "beaten senseless" by personal security personnel after attempting to kiss Beyonce and Jay-Z's newborn baby, Blue Ivy Carter.

"It was just supposed to be a photo op," said a clearly shaken Bob Franklin, campaign supervisor for Rick Santorum, who remained in intensive care at Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan, where the incident took place. "He wasn't within 10 feet of that baby before those guys were all over him like a sinful homosexual man on his illegitimate same-sex partner."

"Actually, those were the senator's words ... He said it just before he passed out from loss of blood," noted Franklin.

The superstar couple has come under fire for using their personal security team to restrict the movement of visitors and even other patients at the hospital during their stay there. The guards reportedly harassed hospital personnel, visiting fathers and at least two new mothers, plus Kanye West, who was there to declare Blue Ivy "one of the best babies of all time."

"We didn't recognize him at first," explained Richard "Runk" Runkwoksi, the head of the security detail, who noted on West's latest album cover, he was pixilated.

West was eventually admitted entrance, but both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, like Santorum, sustained injuries when approaching the baby with outstretched lips, according to sources close to the hospital.

Gingrich hadn't even gotten off the elevator when the security force, made up of former Navy SEALs and several Hells Angels, began beating him with broom handles.

"I tried to ask them, Do you know who I am?, but they kept calling me Pillsbury Dough Boy and poking me in the tummy with their broom handles," Gingrich told authorities afterwards.

According to a police report, Gingrich also claimed the guards took a diamond wristwatch he had bought at Tiffany's on the way to the hospital. "That watch was for my girlfriend!" Gingrich told police, then adding that by "girlfriend" he meant "wife."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Column: You call that an excuse?

Research shows that 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions are broken by Valentine’s Day, possibly more if one of your resolutions was not to forget Valentine’s Day. And when we break them, we invariably fall back on the same tired, old excuses as to why we couldn’t follow through. Which can only mean one thing: We as a society need to buckle down and, working together, come up with better excuses.

With that in mind, I’ve taken 10 of the most popular resolutions and formulated new, improved justifications to use with our friends and neighbors after we inevitably fail miserably sometime between now and Feb. 14, if not sooner. Use these and you may not become thinner, healthier and wealthier, but you also might not feel quite as bad about it.

1) Lose weight. Previous excuse: My schedule just didn’t allow for healthy food choices. What previous excuse meant: I was hungry. New, improved excuse: With people starving in Africa, who am I to stop eating Ring Dings?

2) Quit smoking.Previous excuse: I wanted to, but I’m addicted and I can’t help myself. What previous excuse meant: Without cigarettes how am I supposed to get through my days surrounded by all these morons? New, improved excuse: They discovered nicotine is good for you — seriously, I’ll send you the link.

3) Learn something new. Previous excuse: I just didn’t have the time or money to take classes. What previous excuse meant: “Dancing With The Stars” was on. New, improved excuse: It turns out I already know everything.

4) Get out of debt. Previous excuse: I tried, but everything’s so expensive it’s impossible to keep up in this economy. What previous excuse meant: I needed a TV that would take up an entire wall. New, improved excuse: It’s the 1 percent’s fault!

5) Spend more time with family. Previous excuse: It’s impossible to have much family time when work places such demands on me. What previous excuse meant: Leave me alone, I’m watching the giant TV I charged at Best Buy last week. New, improved excuse: My family is dead to me! It’s a long story.

6) Travel to new places. Previous excuse: I had too many obligations at home. What previous excuse meant: Who needs travel when you’ve got a giant TV? New, improved excuse: Taking off my shoes at the airport means letting the terrorists win.

7) Be less stressed. Previous excuse: I’m a very important person with a lot of demands on me, so it’s tough to de-stress. What previous excuse meant: I’m not actually that stressed, I’m just pretending to be so everyone will think I’m important. New, improved excuse: You’d be stressed too if you knew what I knew about the gaps in our national security. But I’ve already said too much.

8) Volunteer. Previous excuse: I can’t seem to find the right volunteer opportunity to fit my background and schedule. What previous excuse meant: Poor people make me uncomfortable. New, improved excuse: I couldn’t pass the background check. It’s a long story.

9) Get a better job. Previous excuse: There are just no good jobs out there in this economy. What previous excuse meant: If I had to ask any of my previous supervisors for a recommendation they would just laugh until tears poured down their cheeks. New, improved excuse: It’s the 1 percent’s fault!

10) Drink less. Previous excuse: I’m a very important person with a lot of demands on me, so I need a drink now and again to unwind. What previous excuse meant: “I love you, man!! BLEAGHGHGHGH!” New, improved excuse: They discovered alcohol is good for you — seriously, I’ll send you the BLEAGHGHGHGH!

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Van Halen Reunion Leads To Run On Assless Chaps

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - The reunion of iconic '70s and '80s rock band Van Halen - who will release a new album and launch a massive U.S. tour this year - has led to a tremendous spike in assless chaps sales, according to representatives in the assless chaps industry.

"Sales of assless chaps are already up more than 300 percent in the first quarter [of 2012]," confirmed Sal Bloomingfield of the United States Assless Chaps Association (USACA). "Frankly it's been more of a specialty item the last few decades, so we couldn't be happier."

Assless chaps experienced a renaissance of sorts in the early 1980s when they became popularized by Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth, who wore them during concerts, in music videos, on interviews and, by many accounts, while relaxing around the house.

"Let's face it -- they're just comfortable," said Bloomingfield. "They breathe."

The chaps became a hot item, surpassing Lego Technic and the Care Bears to become the top-selling Christmas gift of 1984. But soon after Roth left the band their popularity plummeted, and many of the assless chaps sold during that period wound up tucked away in people's closets, unworn.

"I remember going to a church mixer in the spring of '85 and looking up to realize I was the only guy wearing assless chaps," recalled Bob Fernstrom, 45, of Great Neck, N.Y. "That was an eye opener," added Fernstrom, who noted he was threatened with arrest on indecent exposure charges unless he went home and changed into parachute pants.

The Van Halen reunion seems to have rekindled interest, however. Jon Zincway, a writer for the Live Daily music website, said he pulled his old assless chaps out of his bottom drawer as soon as it was announced that Roth would return to the band.

"Now this is what Van Halen is all about," said Zincway, who noted that after replacing Roth as lead singer, neither Sammy Hagar nor Gary Cherone ever exposed their butt cheeks on stage.

Zincway said he plans to wear his chaps to work every day throughout the tour, but added, "I just wish they had a pocket" since he needs somewhere to hold his iPhone so he can Tweet the setlist of every concert.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Column: When 2011 predictions go bad

I know many of you have probably given up on my annual predictions, considering how every time I revisit them a year later it turns out I was pretty much completely wrong. But keep in mind that my record puts me in some fine company, including most weather forecasters, a fair number of political pundits and whoever thought another reboot of “Charlie’s Angels” was a good idea.

With that in mind, here’s a look back on my annual predictions from a year ago. I’ll skip the one about “Charlie’s Angels.”

1) “From Egypt to Tunisia to Libya to Wall Street, everyone will be pretty satisfied with how things are being handled. Nothing to see here!” It didn’t work out that way, but who would have thought people would actually get off their couches? Especially here in America, where “NCIS” was on.

2) “Buoyed by President Obama’s faltering poll numbers, the GOP will field a stellar lineup of potential 2012 presidential candidates, each one more brilliant and impressive than the next.” This didn’t quite pan out, but in my defense, I did predict that at least one of the candidates would be extremely fond of pizza. Granted, I was actually thinking of Chris Christie.

3) “I have a feeling this will be a big year for Penn State!” Let’s move on.

4) “It took three years, but the economy will finally rebound to its full strength, resulting in a dramatic increase in well-paying jobs for middle-class workers.” OK, maybe that didn’t quite happen, but at least I was right about all the executives getting larger bonuses.

5) “This will be the year that Kim Kardashian finds true, lasting love, just like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Arnold Schwarzennegger and Maria Shriver and Katy Perry and Russell Brand.” I may have seemed off on this one, but I should point out that many of the above listed people did find love, just not with each other.

6) “New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys will join forces and shock the world by finding and killing Osama bin Laden.” Very close on this one — the two bands did tour together, but it was actually SEAL Team 6 that got bin Laden. In defense of NKOTBSB, though, they did sell out two nights at Mohegan Sun, and have a kickin’ acronym.

7) “I have a feeling this will be a big year for the Red Sox!” Well, they did have a better year than Penn State.

8) “Repulsed by the very idea of ‘The Smurfs,’ movie audiences will instead flock to hits like ‘Mars Needs Moms,’ ‘Arthur’ and ‘Green Lantern.’” Damn those little blue buggers! Although as one of the eight people who actually saw “Mars Needs Moms,” I can say pretty unequivocally that Mars definitely did not need moms.

9) “A mundane weather year will bolster the assertion that climate change may not actually exist.” Well, it’s possible that all those floods, tornadoes, unseasonable blizzards, earthquakes, heat waves and tsunamis could have just been a coincidence. Or heavenly retribution for our unrepentant sinning. One of those two things.

10) “I have a feeling this will be a big year for rising political star Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-NY!” I guess the veracity of this prediction revolves around your definition of “big.” Although frankly I’d rather not think about it.

11) “Yes, I’ve predicted every year since 1996 that this would be the year that Charlie Sheen gets his act together, and he keeps letting me down, in much the same way he’s let down his various wives and the hookers he’s trapped in hotel bathrooms. But that’s all in the past — this will be the year that Charlie shows us he’s both a serious actor and a fine humanitarian.” Let’s move on.

12) “Faced with alarming deficits and other issues in need of addressing, Congress will finally learn to work together in a bipartisan fashion to solve the nation’s HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Nope, I couldn’t keep a straight face about it then either.

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Katy Perry, Russell Brand Vow To Remain Frivolous

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Despite filing for divorce last week, pop superstar Katy Perry and her hubby of 14 months, actor/comedian Russell Brand, have vowed that they will remain just as silly and moronic as ever.

"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," wrote Brand in a statement. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain the same headline-grabbing narcissists separately that we were together."

Perry declined to comment specifically on the split, instead releasing another picture of herself in a blue wig with giant, cherry-topped cupcakes affixed to her breasts, and kissing a girl, reportedly liking it.

The couple has already received advice from another recent celebrity bride, Kim Kardashian, whose marriage to NBA star Kris Humphries lasted 72 days before ending when she found out he was gay, or collected her paycheck from their TV special, or began to recover from concussions received during a 2009 celebrity boxing episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

"Katy and Russell need to get right back to doing what they've always done, namely drawing attention to themselves by whatever means possible," said Kardashian, who this week received $600,000 to be vapid at a New Year's Eve event in Las Vegas. "I know that's what helped get me through after my marriage ended with that tall man."

After she broke it off with Humphries in October, Kardashian pledged to remain as pointlessly exhibitionistic as ever, citing her recent full-frontal nude photo layout for The Economist. "I know that's what that guy I married would want," she said.

As for Humphries, he asked, "What happened? Who am I? Why am I here?" and then cried.

Several other couples that suffered high-profile breakups in 2011 also promised to remain frivolous after dissolving their vows. Among them are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who split in November after Kutcher allegedly had affairs with San Diego party girl Sarah Leal and co-stars Natalie Portman, Katherine Heigl, Margarita Levieva and Jon Cryer.

"Demi and I will remain forever ridiculous," said Kutcher, who plans to continue to flirt with girls in camera commercials and attempt to bring on the apocalypse. As for Moore, after six years of marriage to the much-younger Kutcher, she plans to resume aging.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]