AT LARGE Fake News Monday: Ellen Accused Of Turning One Million Moms Gay

TUPELO (CAP) - The parents watchdog group One Million Moms said that new JC Penney spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres is responsible for turning large numbers of its members into lesbians against their will.

"It's bad enough that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business," said One Million Moms in a statement released yesterday. "But now her direct influence is causing otherwise traditional and conservative mothers to partake in immoral homosexual acts. It's reprehensible."

Asked to elaborate by CAP News, the group's president Karen Grabower explained that she walked into the kitchen while cleaning up after a One Million Moms meeting at the Whitehaven Community Center in Horn Lake, Miss., and found two members engaged in what she would only describe as "highly inappropriate lip-to-lip contact."

Apparently when Grabower confronted the women, there was a long silence, and then one of them blurted out, "It was Ellen!"

"Yes, Ellen made us do it!" said the other woman. "And then they both dropped to their knees and started praying," recalled Grabower. "It makes sense, because they were both big JC Penney shoppers, as you could tell by their St. John's Bay argyle sweaters."

According to Grabower, the only possible explanation for the behavior is that Ellen had "infected what was once a wholesome, traditional department store and its shoppers with her immoral ways." Grabower said she found out some of the women engaged in the activities even met for the first time in JC Penney dressing rooms.

Interestingly, the controversy has actually caused a rift among several prominent mothers groups. Mothers Against Everything (MAE) - which, ironically, has close to a million members, in contrast to One Million Moms' membership of approximately 200 women - came out to support Ellen.

"She's so funny and perky and she's such a good dancer, and she has such nice taste in slacks," said MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski. "I just think the One Million Moms should make some better choices about their protests. There are so many things that are much more harmful to children, such as letting them wrestle lions to the death."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Saturday: Guards Beat Up Candidates Trying To Kiss Beyonce's Baby

NEW YORK (CAP) - While en route from New Hampshire to South Carolina, several GOP presidential candidates stopped in New York and were "beaten senseless" by personal security personnel after attempting to kiss Beyonce and Jay-Z's newborn baby, Blue Ivy Carter.

"It was just supposed to be a photo op," said a clearly shaken Bob Franklin, campaign supervisor for Rick Santorum, who remained in intensive care at Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan, where the incident took place. "He wasn't within 10 feet of that baby before those guys were all over him like a sinful homosexual man on his illegitimate same-sex partner."

"Actually, those were the senator's words ... He said it just before he passed out from loss of blood," noted Franklin.

The superstar couple has come under fire for using their personal security team to restrict the movement of visitors and even other patients at the hospital during their stay there. The guards reportedly harassed hospital personnel, visiting fathers and at least two new mothers, plus Kanye West, who was there to declare Blue Ivy "one of the best babies of all time."

"We didn't recognize him at first," explained Richard "Runk" Runkwoksi, the head of the security detail, who noted on West's latest album cover, he was pixilated.

West was eventually admitted entrance, but both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, like Santorum, sustained injuries when approaching the baby with outstretched lips, according to sources close to the hospital.

Gingrich hadn't even gotten off the elevator when the security force, made up of former Navy SEALs and several Hells Angels, began beating him with broom handles.

"I tried to ask them, Do you know who I am?, but they kept calling me Pillsbury Dough Boy and poking me in the tummy with their broom handles," Gingrich told authorities afterwards.

According to a police report, Gingrich also claimed the guards took a diamond wristwatch he had bought at Tiffany's on the way to the hospital. "That watch was for my girlfriend!" Gingrich told police, then adding that by "girlfriend" he meant "wife."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Katy Perry, Russell Brand Vow To Remain Frivolous

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Despite filing for divorce last week, pop superstar Katy Perry and her hubby of 14 months, actor/comedian Russell Brand, have vowed that they will remain just as silly and moronic as ever.

"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," wrote Brand in a statement. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain the same headline-grabbing narcissists separately that we were together."

Perry declined to comment specifically on the split, instead releasing another picture of herself in a blue wig with giant, cherry-topped cupcakes affixed to her breasts, and kissing a girl, reportedly liking it.

The couple has already received advice from another recent celebrity bride, Kim Kardashian, whose marriage to NBA star Kris Humphries lasted 72 days before ending when she found out he was gay, or collected her paycheck from their TV special, or began to recover from concussions received during a 2009 celebrity boxing episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

"Katy and Russell need to get right back to doing what they've always done, namely drawing attention to themselves by whatever means possible," said Kardashian, who this week received $600,000 to be vapid at a New Year's Eve event in Las Vegas. "I know that's what helped get me through after my marriage ended with that tall man."

After she broke it off with Humphries in October, Kardashian pledged to remain as pointlessly exhibitionistic as ever, citing her recent full-frontal nude photo layout for The Economist. "I know that's what that guy I married would want," she said.

As for Humphries, he asked, "What happened? Who am I? Why am I here?" and then cried.

Several other couples that suffered high-profile breakups in 2011 also promised to remain frivolous after dissolving their vows. Among them are Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who split in November after Kutcher allegedly had affairs with San Diego party girl Sarah Leal and co-stars Natalie Portman, Katherine Heigl, Margarita Levieva and Jon Cryer.

"Demi and I will remain forever ridiculous," said Kutcher, who plans to continue to flirt with girls in camera commercials and attempt to bring on the apocalypse. As for Moore, after six years of marriage to the much-younger Kutcher, she plans to resume aging.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]