AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Sony Announces Reboot Of Spider-Man Reboot

SAN DIEGO (CAP) - Producers from Sony stunned the Comic-Con audience this week when they announced another "reboot" of the Spider-Man franchise, whose first reboot isn't even slated to appear in theaters until next summer.

"It's clearly time for a reinvention of this venerable character," said Sony Pictures Entertainment CEO Amy Pascal, making a surprise appearance at the popular convention. "Frankly, audiences have clearly tired of the incarnation of Spider-Man that will make its debut next July."

Pascal was referring to The Amazing Spider-Man, starring Andrew Garfield as the web-slinger, which will be released July 3, 2012. The trailer debuted at Comic-Con last week.

"At the beginning of the trailer I was like, yes! This is the greatest version of Spider-Man ever!" said Josh Carlisle, 21, who had traveled to San Diego from Freehold, N.J. for the event. "But by the end of it I was like, eh, I'm ready for something different."

Pascal said she expected the reboot of the reboot, tentatively titled Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man, to be ready in time for a summer 2014 release. She told the crowd she expected many of the classic elements to remain, including a red-and-blue costume with a spider on it. But she said other elements would be different; for instance Peter Parker will likely be black or Hispanic, and possibly gay, with "Flash" Thompson mentioned as a likely love interest.

"Also, Spider-Man's webbing will come out of his rear end, like an actual spider," said Pascal. "That's if we can do that and still get a PG-13 rating."

This announcement led to a three-hour panel discussion among fans as to whether the butt webbing should be organic, or the result of web-shooters that Peter Parker invents and sticks up his butt.

"Dude, you absolutely can't have organic butt webbing and still be true to the spirit of the comic books!" said Carlisle, prompting a group of fans in hastily scrawled NO ORGANIC BUTT WEBBING t-shirts to rattle their Mountain Dew cans in approval.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

The Conan the Barbarian original score is making me nervous

I get a lot of publicity emails about upcoming movies and CDs, but I have to admit that something seems a little off in the one for the "Conan the Barbarian Motion Picture Score." It could have something to do with the titles of the various pieces. Take a look at the press release:

***

Conan The Barbarian Original Motion Picture Score features music by recording artist, composer, and music producer Tyler Bates. Bates is known for his surprising juxtapositions of music styles and flair for delicate, atmospheric touches, as well as stressing emotional vibrancy. All of these should come in handy in a movie like "Conan The Barbarian."

Original Motion Picture Score track-listing is as follows:

1.Prologue (2:09)

2.You Can Call Him Conan ... But Don't Call Him Late for the Beheading (3:35)

3. Beheading (2:49)

4. Flogging (3:15)

5.Old Fashioned Cimmerian Draw and Quartering (3:19)

6.Another Beheading (1:54)

7.Me and My Broadsword (3:08)

8.Horse Chase (2:37)

9.Donkey Chase (3:36)

10.Other Activities You Can Do With Donkeys (1:44)

11.Monastery Battle: Do You Feel Lucky, Monk? (1:10)

12.Catapult! (3:03)

13.Boiling Oil (2:51)

14.Beheading Again (2:36)

15.Obligatory Sex Scene (:55)

16.Buddy Can You Spare a Loin Cloth? (4:50)

17.A Battle of Wits (:8)

18.I've Grown Accustomed to Your Breastplate (2:42)

19.Zym's Demise (1:56)

20.Zod's Demise (2:41)

21.Shemp's Demise (2:37)

22.A Bunch of Other Demises (11:21)

23.Happily Ever After (2:08)

24. Beheading (2:28)

When I hear 'Springsteen,' I think, 'polymer roofing tile.'

I can’t be positive, but in looking at this press release that name-drops "Born in the U.S.A.," I think it may be even worse than what Reagan did with it:

“Born in the U.S.A.” Roofing Colors

KANSAS CITY, KAN. – Several hundred miles north of Asbury Park, N. J., where Bruce Springsteen originally sang his heart out about being “Born in the U.S.A.” lies a region known as “Slate Valley.” The 24-mile long, six-mile wide area stretching northward from Granville, N. Y. and Rupert, Vt. to Fair Haven, Vt. is the true home to “Born in the U.S.A.” slate roofing colors.

The chemical and mineral composition of the veins of slate in this area produce a rare variety of colors — green, gray, gray black, purple, mottled green and purple, and red. This small region is the only place in the world where these natural slate colors are found.

“Move westward on the map to Kansas City and you’ll find this rainbow of slate colors can also be found in what I like to call the ‘Colored Polymer Slate Capital’ of the world,” says national color expert Kate Smith, president of Sensational Color. “DaVinci Roofscapes, which manufactures all its products in the U.S.A., has perfectly duplicated these rich colors in their polymer slate roofing tiles.”

And in case you were wondering, this is what they look like:

Just picture Bruce Springsteen’s butt in front of that and suddenly it all makes sense.

(More about Springsteen at my other blog, Blogness on the Edge of Town.)

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Murdoch Scandal Proves Existence Of Newspapers

LONDON (CAP) - The phone-hacking scandal that brought down media mogul Rupert Murdoch's News Of The World

newspaper has shocked millions who had no idea that newspapers were still being published.

"So you're telling me they're still printing the bloody things? On paper?" asked Sarah Murphy, 27, of Tottenham. "That's just crackers."

News Of The World staffers apparently used the information garnered from illegal cell phone hacking for "stories" that they subsequently published on newsprint via large, expensive "printing presses."

The resulting newspapers were then carried - often via truck or similar gas-powered delivery vehicle - to people's homes and retail outlets. This practice is still going on in some places today, despite the common belief that all news is delivered over the Internet, primarily via Google.

"I'm just gobsmacked," said Harry Murch, 32, of Borehamwood, upon being told of the News Of The World scandal. "I thought Google had figured out a bloody algorithm to generate news at least five years ago."

The situation is reminiscent of what happened with the once-venerable Boston Globe, which ceased publication in 2010 and "almost nobody noticed," said Boston-area media critic David O'Kennedy.

"There are probably thousands of people who assume the Boston Globe is still being published today," said O'Kennedy. "You hear stories of the occasional elderly person shuffling up to the shuttered building to try to place a classified listing - it's very sad."

Apparently in America, many readers thought the only newspaper left was USA Today, which rebounded from declining circulation in 2007 when it announced that it would only publish photos of attractive people. And by 2009, studies showed that most teenagers could not identify a newspaper when presented with one, with some of them finding the unfamiliar combination of paper and ink "extremely disturbing."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: NASA Prepares To Shoot Nancy Grace Into Space

ATLANTA (CAP) - Headline News talk show host Nancy Grace said she is "honored and humbled" to have been chosen to be shot into space as part of NASA's first follow-up to the soon-to-be-defunct shuttle program.

"I am not a preacher, and I am definitely not a rabbi," Grace told CNN's Piers Morgan yesterday. "But as I accept this honor, I would say that the devil is doing the opposite of dancing tonight, whatever that would be. Maybe just sitting quietly in hell, not drinking champagne. Something like that."

Grace has been in the public spotlight recently with her coverage of so-called "tot mom" Casey Anthony, who was acquitted of murder charges last week despite Grace's assertion that she was "the most guilty person ever to exist in the long, sordid history of guilt."

"Even more guilty than that lady I talked into committing suicide that time," she added.

She also referred to the jury in the case as being "full of kooky kook-heads" and spent a full 20 minutes of her most recent show throwing darts at 8-by-10 glossy headshots of the jury members.

"Hey, I got Juror No. 3 right in the eyeball!" exclaimed Grace after one particularly accurate toss. Then she looked directly into the camera, raised an eyebrow and said, "Does that give you any ... ideas?" followed by a laugh that one cameraman, who asked not to be identified, described as "the most bone-chilling sound I've ever heard."

"And I used to work in a slaughterhouse," he added.

According to NASA spokesman Marvin Federer, a panel made up of astronauts, scientists, administrators and elected officials was unanimous in its choice of Grace to be the premier participant in its new Shuttle+ project.

"The project involves sealing someone in a seven-foot-long capsule, placing them in a state of suspended animation and shooting them into space for seven to 10 years," said Federer. "Nancy was the first name that came up."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Study - Transformers 3 Same Movie As Transformers 2

WASHINGTON D.C. (CAP) - A new study conducted by the Pew Research Center shows that the new Transformers movie, Transformers: Dark Of The Moon is actually the same movie as 2009's Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, and more than 80 percent identical to 2007's original Transformers.

"Some of the scenes are in a different order, and the soundtrack has been altered slightly," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Center. "But for all intents and purposes they're the same movie - you could watch the first half of the second one and the second half of the third one and not notice more than a marginal difference."

In fact, the study shows that for most of Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, the only difference is the digital insertion of Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley into several scenes that had previously featured Megan Fox.

"Although even in those cases, our researchers determined that Huntington-Whiteley was more than 80 percent identical to Fox," Spitznagel noted.

As for star Shia LaBeouf, the study determined that all three movies combined (total running times: 9 1/2 hours) required no more than 25 minutes of footage of LaBeouf, possibly 15 minutes if it turns out his facial expressions were changed digitally in post-production.

"Not that they changed that much," noted Spitzagel.

To perform the study, Spitznagel's team of researchers dissected all three movies frame by frame, which resulted in at least three of them being admitted to Georgetown University Hospital suffering from mental exhaustion and hearing loss.

"Subsequent examination showed they had actually lost 8-10 IQ points," said Spitznagel, who noted many of the researchers begged to be put back on the study counting pictures of cats on the Internet.

The study comes on the heels of the rumors posted at both TMZ and PerezHilton.com that the recent Pirates Of The Caribbean sequel, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, was actually cobbled together from outtakes from the first three movies and footage of the animatronic Johnny Depp from the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride at Disney World.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Whitey Bulger Demands His Depends, Metamucil Back

BOSTON (CAP) - Feared legendary mobster James "Whitey" Bulger seemed to have lost none of his swagger or arrogance in his first court appearance after 16 years in hiding, brazenly asking the judge to "return my Depends and my Metamucil, gosh darn-nabbit!"

"Do you want me to wet myself right here on the bench, for cryin' out loud?" he added, then coughing up and apparently swallowing a large wad of phlegm. "And you better darn well get me my Metamucil. You don't wanna see me when I'm not regular."

He then glared icily at the prosecutor in what could have been a soulless look of pure evil, or gas.

FBI agents captured the 81-year-old Bulger in Santa Monica, Calif., after following him home from the Bay Cities Deli, where the mobster had allegedly eaten a corned beef sandwich, lean, on marble rye with a pickle spear and a club soda, followed by some lime jello.

"He was driving very suspiciously," said FBI Special Agent Josh Harwood, who noted that he was going about 10 miles per hour below the speed limit, cut off two other drivers and then shook his fist at them like it was their fault, and took an extremely roundabout way to get to his home, apparently trying to avoid having to make left turns.

"And his blinker was on the entire time," noted Harwood.

FBI lured Bulger out of his apartment by sending two young boys onto the front lawn of his apartment complex, ostensibly to retrieve a baseball that had rolled there.

"Get offa my lawn, you darn kids!" witnesses quoted Bulger as yelling at the boys. "Or I'll give ya something to complain about, gosh-a darn it!"

"That's when we slapped the cuffs on him," explained Harwood.

Bulger did not resist, according to authorities, although he did convince agents "make a pit stop" at a Wilshire Boulevard 7-Eleven on the way to FBI headquarters, where he spent approximately 45 minutes in the rest room generating various bodily noises as agents stood awkwardly outside the door, checking their watches.

"And we couldn't go in there for about two hours afterwards," said store owner Praveen Nawwaf, waving his hand in front of his nose as if to indicate a strong odor. "It was very unpleasant," he noted, adding however that it's something he's gotten used to with the up-tick in senior citizens coming in to buy cat food since social security ran out.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Tara Reid Looks to Resurrect Career With 'Human Centipede 2'

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Its plot is being kept strictly under wraps, but word leaked this week that party girl actress Tara Reid is looking forward to a career-boosting comeback with her role in Human Centipede 2.

"It's been a while since I've really stretched in a role," admitted Reid, who struck box office gold with American Pie and Urban Legend but lately has found herself in straight-to-DVD fare like 7-10 Split, Unnatural Causes and The Girl With The Raging Taboo.

"They told me that last one was based on a famous book series, but it turns out they meant the title just sort of sounded like one," she said, adding that she can't quite remember who "they" were.

Reid hopes to salvage her career in the sequel to last year's surprise cult favorite Human Centipede, about a mad scientist who sews his victims together to create a grotesque creature with a single digestive track. "I didn't see the first one, but I heard it made a really deep statement about people who turn other people into human centipedes," said Reid.

Reid declined to explain her role in Human Centipede 2, other than to say her character's name ("The Middle One") offers a clue. "I'm just starting to get feeling back in my mouth," she added.

Some have wondered why Human Centipede needed a sequel, given that it was almost universally derided as disgusting, amoral and not especially successful at the box office. But the film's producers say a sequel was a must.

"This was a story that demanded to be continued," explained Martin Shafer, president of Martin Shafer's Straight-to-DVD Movie Production Co., who recently stepped down as CEO of Castle Rock Entertainment when his Shawshank Redemption buddy comedy failed to materialize.

"There were so many unanswered questions from the first movie," Shafer continued. "Like, what do they do after they become a human centipede? And, after they become a human centipede, what is it that they do, as a centipede who's human?"

Asked point blank if he saw the original movie, Shafer paused for several seconds and then admitted that he didn't. "But I watched the trailer many times after I greenlit the sequel," he said.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: First Lady Vows To Humiliate One Fat Kid Per Week

WASHINGTON (CAP) - First Lady Michelle Obama has fired the latest salvo in her battle against obesity, launching an "Obesity Poster Child" program that will call out one overweight child per week in a national ad campaign.

"It's easy to tell people to eat right, exercise and get outside instead of sitting in front of a TV or computer screen," wrote Obama in a press release on the new program. "But what will really drive the point home is an image of an actual overweight child whose life is bound to be hampered by poor health and social isolation, especially after his or her picture runs in every magazine and newspaper in America.

"Also on billboards," she added.

The pictures, to be snapped surreptitiously by prominent obesity photographer Lucas Earls, will feature children between the ages of approximately 7 and 13 who clearly meet the national standards for obesity.

"If they happen to be holding a corn dog at the time, all the better," said Earls, who plans to scour the entire country for subjects, but mostly Alabama.

Anticipating criticism about using photos of children, Sally Caruthers, spokeswoman for the First Lady's "Let's Move" program, noted that the organization would be obtaining written consent from the parents of each subject. Also, the photos will be taken from angles that accentuate the children's prodigious girth, not their facial features, she said.

"It's very likely that only their family and friends will be able to identify them," noted Caruthers.

The first subject, Olivia Funderburk, is an 8-year-old from Jacksons' Gap, Ala., approximately 3-foot-11-inches tall and 112 pounds. In ads set to debut nationally tomorrow, she's pictured at the Tallapoosa County Flea Market with a giant piece of fried dough hanging out of her mouth.

Under her image is the message, "Don't let your child end up like Olivia. At least not if you want grandchildren someday."

"I came up with that last part myself," noted Earls.

Asked by CAP News why they agreed to allow their daughter's image to be used in the program, Olivia's mother, Jessica Funderbunk, 27, noted, "Because she'll be on TV, duh!"

The Funderbunks have apparently already lined up several local endorsement deals based on Olivia's newfound fame, including from the flea market where she was photographed, a car dealership and a fried dough manufacturer.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Previously Unknown Hockey Team Discovered In Boston

BOSTON (CAP) - Thousands of Massachusetts residents are reeling this week at the discovery of a professional hockey team that has apparently been operating unnoticed in their midst for decades.

"I can't believe I never knew about this before," said Patti Johansen of Woburn, Mass., who, like most Boston-area residents, thought the state had only three professional sports teams, the Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics. "Although for a while there in the '90s, I forgot about the Celtics too."

The team, known as the "Boston Bruins," apparently in reference to a type of bear, began to appear on Boston residents' radar screens late last month after suddenly turning up in the Stanley Cup Finals.

"And they're pretty good, too," noted a clearly surprised David O'Kennedy, a Boston media critic. "I watched a few minutes of their game the other night, and that Patricia Bergeron, she was excellent."

A CAP News investigation found that the team, contrary to the popular local belief that it must have been formed sometime during the last two to three months, has actually been toiling in obscurity since 1924, and for much of that time has even had its games broadcast on local television.

"Every so often I'd flip by them on the TV, but I never stopped because I'm not a fan of skating," said Richard Vanderhaven of Cambridgeport.

Oddly enough, many of the residents who until days ago didn't know of the Bruins' existence have thrown themselves wholeheartedly behind their efforts, purchasing thousands of dollars worth of jerseys, hats, T-shirts, jewelry, tote bags, calendars and glowsticks (with lanyard).

"I'd go into Olympia [Sports, a New England sporting goods chain] and there would be this little corner with shirts with B's on them and stuff," said Jon Zincway of Dedham, decked out in a Bruins jersey, baseball cap, temporary face tattoo and foam finger while waiting in line at the TD Banknorth Garden to buy tickets for the Stanley Cup Finals last week. "If I'd known they were for an actual hockey team I would have bought all this stuff much sooner, as long as they, you know, won all the time."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Scientists Discover 'Superbad' Cholesterol

NEW YORK (CAP) - Researchers at NYU Medical Center have discovered a new, stickier and more deadly form of bad cholesterol they're calling "superbad" cholesterol, according to findings acquired by CAP News.

The study found that unlike normal bad cholesterol, known as LDL, which gradually attaches itself to arterial walls and clogs the arteries, superbad cholesterol immediately fills up entire arteries "like you stuck a caulking gun down there," wrote the study's coordinator, Dr. Bentley Worthington, in a preface to the findings.

According to the report, America's changing dietary habits likely led to the development of this ultra-bad cholesterol.

"Much like stronger bacteria have formed in response to anti-bacterial sprays and lotions, cholesterol too has adapted as we consume more and more saturated and trans fats," wrote Worthington. "You can only eat so many KFC Double Down sandwiches before your body finds a way to fight back.

"And I'm not just talking about all the pooping," he added, in what was apparently a rough draft of the study.

The study was leaked to CAP News by a researcher who asked not to be identified, claiming that the findings were being suppressed by "powerful forces" determined not to see them come to light before the Memorial Day weekend.

"They had a lot of hamburgers and hot dogs they needed to push, and were afraid these findings would stymie sales," claimed the researcher, who quoted a Kraft company executive as telling the hospital's board, "It's all psychological. You yell cardiomyopathy, everybody says, 'Huh? What?' You yell superbad cholesterol, we've got a panic on our hands on Memorial Day weekend!"

Kraft spokesman Michael Hirschberg denies the allegations, saying that Kraft always has the good health of its customers in mind. He pointed to the company's new "Eat Sensibly" advertisements, featuring their spokesman, competitive hot dog eater Joey Chestnut.

A study of the findings reveals why they might raise concern among some food manufacturers. In addition to clogging the arteries at an alarming rate - "one Cinnabon can be enough to do it," it found - pieces of the superbad cholesterol can flake off the artery wall and travel directly to the heart, where they cause the aorta to expand and eventually explode in a tremendous chest-extruding fireball.

The study mentions one test case, Karl Stubens of Estill Springs, Tenn., who weighed more than 350 pounds and admitted to eating at Arby's more than four times a week. Stubens told researchers his high cholesterol could be blamed on "family history." Then his chest blew up.

"It was like that scene in Alien, except instead of a little creature popping out, it was an Angus Three Cheese & Bacon hoagie," the study read.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Report: Social Security Will Run Out In 20 Minutes

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Trustees of the nation's Social Security trust fund announced today that, contrary to previous estimations that the fund would run dry in 2037, it's now expected to be depleted in about 20 minutes, give or take a few minutes.

"The economic outlook remains more uncertain than usual, but we've gone over the numbers several times, and we're pretty sure it will be gone in about 20 minutes," said Richard Anderson, the fund's chief actuary, at a press conference this morning.

Looking at his watch, he added, "Make that 19 minutes."

Several unanticipated factors contributed to the accelerated depletion of the fund, according to Anderson, including an unprecedented number of retired people living into their 90s and beyond. "Where are the death panels when you need them?" asked Anderson.

"Um ... Just a little Social Security humor there," he added when the comment was greeted with stony silence.

The numbers were confirmed almost immediately by a study conducted at the Pew Research Center. "We now realize it would have probably been a good idea to look into this sooner," said Pew Center spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel, noting that their researchers had been otherwise occupied with their study of superheroine breast size.

The announcement has led to concern and in some cases panic among elderly Social Security recipients. There have been reports of runs on cat food at convenience stores around the U.S., with lines of senior citizens in some cases stretching several times around the inside of the establishments.

"Luckily they have the Keno to keep them occupied," noted Radhee Nawwaf, owner of the Cumberland Farms on Route 46 in Moonachie, N.J.

As for Medicare's trust fund, originally thought to be solvent through approximately 2029, "that ran out a week ago Tuesday," according to Anderson.

"People will probably realize it when their Lisinopril prescriptions start to run out," Anderson noted.

Senior advocates expressed shock and dismay at the development, noting that millions of senior citizens rely on Medicare for their basic health care needs. "When we see a spike in back-alley colonoscopies, don't say we didn't warn you," said Brian Fincher of the senior citizen watchdog group Citizens for Retired Associates and Professionals.

"Er ... and when I say 'see a spike in back-alley colonoscopies,' I'm not speaking literally, hopefully," Fincher added.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

It's the end of the world as we know it ... And you heard it here first!

You may recall back in November when, in a column about the impending end of the world, I wondered why I seemed to be the only news outlet covering it. Specifically:

I’m referring of course to a press release I received recently from the “Hourglass Watchman” of the eBible Fellowship with the heading “A Message to the Media of the World,” which apparently includes me. Not one to bury the lead, the Watchman gets right to the point:

“May 21, 2011 — Judgment Day. God will begin to destroy the World and this Universe with a worldwide earthquake. October 21, 2011 — The End of the World. The World and the entire Cosmos will be totally destroyed by fire.”

Considering most of the press releases I get include either the phrases “craft fair” or “ham and bean supper,” this would obviously be considered Big News. But oddly enough, I’ve yet to see reportage on this by any of the rest of the Media of the World, which must still be busy tracking the Black Friday tramplings.

Well, as it turns out I was just ahead of the media curve, which seems to have caught up to me now, less than a week before the beginning of the end, when there's very little people can do about it, short of possibly making post-Rapture arrangements for their pets.

Although it's probably worth noting that as of this morning there were only 254 Rapture-related news stories on Google News, as compared to 4,053 stories about Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child.

If that's not a sign that the end is nigh, I don't know what is.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Bob Dylan Explains Something, No One Quite Sure What

NEW YORK (CAP) - In a rare statement to his fans on his website, Bob Dylan this week explained something, possibly the recent controversy over his concerts in China, although no one seems to know exactly.

"Well my daddy, he didn't leave me much, you know he was a very simple man, but what he did tell me was this," Dylan wrote on bobdylan.com. "He did say, son, he said, China's mighty big, but I'll tell you what's bigger - God, your mammy and pappy, and maybe even your dog, depending on the breed."

The statement is accompanied by a black-and-white photo of Dylan with his hands in the pockets of his knickerbockers, his wicker trilby hat angled jauntily at the back of his head.

Dylanologists have been poring over the statement to discern its meaning. Most are in agreement that it has something to do with his recent China concerts, which were notoriously slammed by columnist Maureen Dowd in the New York Times. "Although it's possible he may just be talking about his dog," said Fred Tarshbuck, professor of Dylan Studies at Berkley.

Dowd's column takes Dylan to task for going to China where, she wrote, he "sang his censored set, took his pile of Communist cash and left." However, there's no evidence that the Chinese government censored Dylan, and several media pundits have reported that Dowd has never actually heard a Dylan song. She's also been rumored to have written the column on her Blackberry in a cab just minutes before her deadline.

Asked whether she did any actual reporting for the column, Dowd responded, "Do you know who I am? I'm Maureen Dowd, goddammit - I'm a columnist for the goddamn New York Times!" Columnists for the New York Times are prohibited from doing any actual reporting, according to a representative from the Newspaper Guild.

Dowd also defended her musical pedigree, claiming to have once had coffee with Celine Dion.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Study: More Than 80% Of Internet Is Pictures Of Cats

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A sizable majority of the Internet is taken up by pictures of cats, according to a new study out of the Pew Research Center.

"Cats have always taken up at least half the Internet, but they've really pulled away in this study," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Center, who noted that when the center conducted a similar survey in 2009, pictures of cats led videos of people injuring themselves by only a relatively small 18 percent margin.

"Now nobody's within 30 points of the cats," he said.

The study breaks down the pictures of cats into the following categories:

1) Kittens;
2) Fat cats;
3) Cats canoodling with other animals (dogs, mice, babies, other cats, ferrets, etc.);
4) Cats wearing clothes (mostly hats);
5) Cats wielding lightsabers;
6) That cat with the lime peel on its head;
7) Catwoman (NSFW).

"The bandwith required for the kittens and fat cats alone is greater than that taken up by Amazon, Google and the Pentagon combined," said Spitznagel, who noted that it took researchers more than a year to compile the information. "Although we were able to carry over much of the Catwoman data from our study of superheroine breast size," he noted.

Pew researchers were hard pressed to explain the feline photo surge, but Stanford University economist Wendall Wuffie says the state of the economy could be the cause, in much the same way the economic collapse of fall 2008 led to a run on cardboard turkeys.

"During tough times, people turn to stress relievers that make them feel more relaxed despite an uncertain future," said Wuffie. "And what makes people feel more relaxed than a picture of a soft, fluffy, happy kitty?

"Aside from all the porn, I mean," he added.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: No way to treat a Lady Gaga

There comes a time in every columnist’s life where he must take a stand, one way or another, on Lady Gaga. If Walter Winchell were alive today, I’m reasonably sure he would agree with me.

The only problem is, believe it or not, I’m torn on the Gaga issue. On the one hand it would be very easy to dismiss a woman who goes out in public wearing bubbles and metal breastplates and meat (not at the same time, probably) as an artist for whom “the music” isn’t a top priority. On the other, I heard her single “Born This Way” once and it attached itself full-on to my brain, possibly entering through my nasal cavity like the creature in “Alien.”

With those things in mind, I’ve decided to do what every good journalist should; namely, make a list of pros and cons and, after considering them carefully, come down on the side I consider to be most offensive to Republicans.

So here we go:

Pro: Lady Gaga is a better singer than Madonna. I’m talking about sheer vocal ability, not things like phrasing and breath control, which are hard to think about when you’re covered with meat. As you’ve probably heard, some say “Born This Way” is a rip-off of Madonna’s “Express Yourself,” and in fact, this week a PR woman offered me the chance to analyze both songs note by note with an instructor from SAE Institute of Audio Engineering. I declined, opting instead to coax a cat into clawing out my eardrums.

Con: Lady Gaga is NOT a better singer than Edith Piaf. This may be true, but I would have liked to see Edith Piaf croon “La Vie En Rose” in a clear plastic dress with black electrical tape across her bosoms. Probably more than I care to admit.

Pro: Lady Gaga has professed herself to be “a huge Bruce Springsteen fan.” She even got Springsteen saxophonist Clarence Clemons to play on her new album, which for me is a bizarre collision of worlds — sort of like when Bob Dylan did that Victoria’s Secret commercial, although thankfully not in a clear plastic dress.

Con: Lady Gaga got into a public feud with “Weird Al” Yankovic. They’ve since worked things out, and Gaga is allowing Yankovic to go forward with his parody of “Born This Way.” Which is good, because I’d have to take Al’s side in that dispute — he remains the most famous person I’ve ever interviewed, primarily because Pee-Wee Herman won’t take my calls.

Pro: Lady Gaga is not afraid to promote personal expression by wearing bubbles and metal breastplates and meat. This is in stark contrast to more conventional performers, such as Rod Stewart, who has spent the last 30 years wearing the same Rod Stewart costume.

Con: Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” video inspired thousands of fans to start wearing enlarged “circle” contact lenses, creating an entire generation of teenage girls who look like Bratz dolls. This would seem to indicate that it’s only a matter of time before her “Little Monsters” are also regularly engaging in hair sculpting, eye stretching and thigh elongation.

Given that, along with the fact that I have a daughter whose teen years are bearing down on both of us like a hormonal freight train, I think in the final analysis I have to deny Lady Gaga my full support — at least until she tarts it down a bit. Call me old fashioned, but even if I had her talents, you wouldn’t see me dancing around wearing nothing but lace body suits and police tape.

On the other hand, I’m reasonably sure you wouldn’t want to.

Peter Chianca is editor-in-chief for GateHouse Media New England's North Unit. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Obama Budget Plan Would Save 'One Life To Live'

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Barack Obama continued to reveal details of his deficit-reduction plan this week, including a controversial provision that would raise taxes on the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans in order to save the recently cancelled ABC soap opera One Life To Live.

"One Life To Live is, uh, part of the cornerstone, the bedrock of American culture," said Obama in a press conference Monday. "How many of us spent lonely afternoons following the adventures of, you know, Bo and Clint Buchanan, and Viki, who suffered from dissociative identity disorder and became Niki, the sexually promiscuous party girl, and Karen and Larry Wolek, who, uh, had control chips implanted in their brains by the evil Dr. Ivan Kipling."

Obama recalled rearranging the rabbit-ears antenna on his small, black-and-white TV set as a youth in order to pick up the soap opera. "It was often very tough to get the signal there in Kenya," he said. "By which I mean, of course, Honolulu."

The budget provision, which would filter funds gleaned from the tax hike directly to ABC-TV in much the same way PBS and National Public Radio receive government funding, has not surprisingly drawn fire from the GOP.

"This type of thing is exactly the reason the country is in the fiscal trouble it's in," said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), whose own budget plan would drastically slash Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, public education, environmental protection, social services and snow plowing, as well as eliminate road repairs on thoroughfares that go by senior centers and homeless shelters.

Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl - who drew fire recently when he said that "well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does" is abortions, when the number is actually 3 percent - also spoke out against Obama's plan.

"Actually, what I had meant to say is the well over 90 percent of what One Life To Live characters do is get abortions," said Kyl. A CAP News study of episodes of the soap opera since its debut in 1968 shows that in this case, Kyl's figure is actually a little low.

And potential Republican presidential contender Sarah Palin, star of Sarah Palin's Alaska, called Obama's One Life To Live plan "redonkulous," saying, "Who wants to watch a big, dysfunctional family of crazies with dumb names say stupid things and go all over the place having babies and silly stuff like that?"

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: In New England, spring’s the thing

It was Mark Twain who said, “It’s spring fever.... You don’t quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” And given the fact that he has a bestselling book out even though he’s been dead for 100 years, I guess you have to give the guy some credit for not being an idiot.

For me, it usually takes at least until mid-February before I start peering wistfully through the frost on my living room window, imagining lush green grass instead of layers of snow. Never mind that under that snow is grass a leathery shade of brown and leaves that I never got around to raking up last fall. It’s the idea of green grass that gets me nostalgic for spring, not to mention the fact that my nose has probably frozen to the windowpane.

But this year, that feeling was already prevalent by the end of January, when all the snowstorms had made the average trip down my driveway like a run through the Death Star trench. Every time I visited the mall I got nervous that one of the giant piles of snow that had been plowed into a corner of the parking lot would fall over onto my car, and they’d find me in it after the spring thaw, sucking on old Happy Meal wrappers.

But spring fever isn’t just about putting the winter behind you. It’s about convincing yourself that once spring arrives you’re actually going to go out and do spring-like things, like taking a state park flower tour in order to sniff in the nectar of the budding season. Then spring actually comes and you suddenly recall your deathly fear of bees, and the fact that baseball is on TV.

But we at least occasionally do make good on our plans to get outdoors and embrace the onset of spring, and by “we” I mean those of us who have been trapped in the house with kids for three months. That’s what motivated my wife and me, for instance, to trek the family out to the Ipswich River Wildlife Sanctuary one March Sunday several years back: to show our kids that if they think all their old video games are boring, just wait until they’ve watched an entire bucket of sap drip out of a sugar maple.

Spring fever also has a share of romance to it — my wife and I had our first date in springtime walking around Lake Quannapowitt in Wakefield, which would have been much less dreamy if we’d been in snow up to our thighs. But springtime is just generally more conducive to love, if only because when you try to hug during the winter in all those layers, you tend to bounce off each other like the fake sumo wrestlers at Lowell Spinners games.

But here in New England, maybe the fact that spring arrives at all is enough to justify a hearty bout of spring fever. It could be that Twain’s elusive thing we want is just evidence that we pulled through another winter, proving our resilience in the face of adversity and spurring our annual rebirth.

And I’d run right outside and enjoy it if baseball wasn’t on.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. This column appeared originally in North Shore Life magazine; for more, visit northshore.lifemagsonline.com. Follow Peter Chianca on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Bruno Tonioli Gaining On Trump For GOP Nom

NEW YORK (CAP) - A USA Today/Gallup poll this week found real estate mogul and Apprentice star Donald Trump to be the reality TV personality most likely to get the GOP nomination for president. But Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli is coming up fast, according to the results.

The poll of 5,000 likely voters found 17 percent favoring Trump, with 14 percent voting for Tonioli, which is within the margin of error. Rounding out the list were:

• Lauren Conrad of The Hills (11 percent)
• Flava Flav of Flavor Of Love (8 percent)
• Snooki of Jersey Shore and Corbin Bernsen of Celebrity Mole Yucatan (tie, 6 percent each)
• Steven Seagal of Steven Seagal Lawman (5 percent)
  

More than 100 other reality stars made up the other 33 percent of those named as presidential contenders, including Tila Tequila, Danny Bonaduce, Gene Simmons, the woman who dressed like a pirate on season 3 of Wife Swap, and Sarah Palin.

Tonioli, for his part, said he was "just amazingly astounded" at finishing so closely behind Trump, particularly given he hasn't gone any farther than establishing an exploratory committee and printing some buttons with the slogan "Bruno: You Know You Want Him!"

"Being president would be hot, it would be sexy - it would be Mr. Hips Goes to Washington!" said Toniolo, shaking his midsection in what might possibly have been a Salsa or a Pasa Doble.

He also criticized President Obama, saying, "He looks like giant Slim Jim sliding down a fire pole!" and gesticulating wildly.

Trump, for his part, says he's not fazed by the results, and immediately demanded that Toniolo produce his birth certificate. "You can't tell me that this guy was born in America," Trump told Meredith Vieira on the Today show. "He's harder to understand than Ivana was."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: 30 more signs you’re living with dogs

There’s nothing that gives a writer more of a sense of satisfaction and self-worth than drawing a reaction from his readers. So you can imagine how I usually feel after my column runs, when I’m sitting fruitlessly in front of my e-mail screen like a deluded Charlie Brown parked at his mailbox waiting for Valentines.

But not this time. Yes, I’ve written in the past about such hot-button topics as the end of the world, marital smell issues and humanity’s inevitable subjugation by killer robots, to nary a peep of feedback. But my February column on “Signs You May Be Living With Dogs” has drawn a steady (furry) flurry of e-mail responses, which can only lead me to one of the following conclusions: Even more people have dogs than I thought, or dogs have finally learned how to use the Internet.

You can see the full array of responses at The Longest Tail blog (blogs.wickedlocal.com/longesttail), and I recommend that you do, if only to reassure yourself that despite the fact there is probably a dog sleeping next to you in bed right now, perhaps one whose picture you put on your Christmas cards and whom you dress in little doggie sweaters, there is someone out there who is way, way more wacky a dog owner than you. OK, a lot of someones.

Meanwhile, here are a few of my favorite responses so far. Keep those e-mails coming! If your dogs haven’t chewed through your computer cord, that is.

You may be living with dogs if:

1) You have “baby safety” gates in doorways and across stairways, but you don’t have a baby.

2) You begin conversations with others by saying, “Sit, stay, speak.”

3) You catch yourself saying, “sit,” “stay” and “down” to your kids.

4) When the snow melts, your lawn is declared a Superfund site

5) When you move the furniture you find someone living under there.

6) Your coffee does not taste right without a few hairs.

7) The kitchen floor stays clean … for an hour.

8) There’s nose art on all the windows.

9) There’s lots of snoring in your bed and it isn’t your fiancé.

10) You often wear a fur coat and yet have never purchased one.

11) It sounds like Harpo Marx is in your living room.

12) Your household toys need to be squeakeotomized.

13) You have a huge collection of tennis balls, but there are no rackets to be found anywhere.

14) You actually bought an item called “Doggles.”

15) You add a paw to all of the cards you send to family and friends.

16) “Going to the spa” does not pertain to yourself or any two-legged member of your family.

17) Fur on your clothes doesn’t count as a reason to wash them.

18) The furniture that brings you the fondest memories are the pieces with teeth marks.

19) You always have to buy an extra ice cream cone (or hamburger, hold the pickle) for the hairy kid in the back seat.

20) The bank teller sends out biscuits instead of money.

21) You are always greeted warmly at the front door by someone who missed you terribly, is ridiculously excited that you are home and is COMPLETELY starving. (“Seriously, feed me now or I might pass out right here.”)

22) You carry towels in your trunk for impromptu river swims.

23) Stuffed animals living in your house have extremely short life expectancies.

24) The cats have to jump up on the counter to eat their dinner and you don’t apologize to company.

25) At Christmastime, there are stockings for “Santa Paws” to fill.

26) You know the names of all the dogs in the neighborhood, but not the owners’ names.

27) You step in indoor puddles, and the moisture is not from leaking pipes.

28) Leashes and collars are considered “fashion accessories.”

30) You always feel like you are the greatest, most wonderful person in the entire world.

And you’ll keep feeling that way, as long as the bank teller keeps sending out those biscuits.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. This year he’ll be taking an occasional detour from his “At Large” column to write about life with pets — you can follow his animal-related musings at twitter.com/longest_tail.