At Large Fake News Tuesday: Lady Gaga/Man-Bat Tour Reportedly In Jeopardy

JAKARTA (CAP) - Faced with opposition from several hard-line conservative groups, Lady Gaga has postponed her Indonesian spring concert tour with her scheduled co-headliner, Man-Bat.

"While we realize that Dr. Kirk Langstrom was just trying to cure his own deafness when he developed his bat sonar extract, the fact remains that it turned him into a hideous man-sized bat hell-bent on mindless destruction," read a statement from the Islam Defenders Front.

"Now, in addition to promoting pornography and satanic values with her music, Lady Gaga is putting the entire population of Jakarta at risk of being terrorized by Man-Bat, and possibly his wife, Francine Langstrom, a.k.a. She-Bat," the statement continued.

News of the postponement has devastated Indonesian fans, who had been clamoring for a live Lady Gaga/Man-Bat collaboration for years.

"Boy George was on the bill too, but we weren't as excited about that," noted diehard Gaga fan Daren Sibarani, who had planned to welcome Gaga and Man-Bat with a flash mob of 124 students, half of them dressed as bats, the other half wearing meat.

"Mostly dead chickens," said Sibarani.

The tour was to have had several stops in Indonesia featuring various performers in addition to Lady Gaga, Man-Bat and Boy George. These included She-Hulk, Boyz II Men, Lady Antebellum and Man Ray, the late avant-garde Dadaist photographer.

"Not Man Ray the SpongeBob SquarePants character," noted Sibarani. "That would just be silly."

Gaga, for her part, has said she thinks the hardline groups are overreacting, noting that every time Man-Bat has gone on a rampage previously, he's been fairly easily subdued by Batman and his companion, Robin the Boy Wonder.

"Two of my favorite Little Monsters, incidentally," noted Gaga, adding, "Bat-paws up!"

Batman and Robin have both gone on the record as being big Lady Gaga fans, and have reportedly even consulted with her on her fashion choices, particularly the ones involving black molded rubber.

"And I think it's just wonderful what she's done for the LGBT community," said Batman, re-polishing his hard rubber codpiece. "Not that Robin and I would have any sort of vested interest in that."

Batman's promises to protect Indonesia from the Man-Bat weren't enough for the Islam Defenders Front, however.

"We refuse to place the safety of the people of Jakarta in the hands of a vigilante like The Batman," stated an IDF spokesman, "and besides, Lady Gaga is still promoting pornography and satanic values whether Man-Bat goes on a rampage or not."

"Ugh, I hate it when people call me The Batman," responded Batman.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Saturday: Success Of 'Avengers' Leads To Run On Shields, Mallets

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of the success of Marvel's The Avengers, which has taken in more than $600 million in worldwide ticket sales, manufacturers say they can't keep up with the demand for Captain America shields, Thor hammers and Iron Man metal helmets among the movie's target audience, 40- to 55-year-old men.

"I got the last one they had!" said Mark Pender, 41, a Boise accountant and father of two, as he brandished his official stainless steel Captain America shield while waiting for the No. 17 bus on Bannock Street in Boise. "It makes a neat clangy noise when you hit stuff against it," he noted, whacking it with his lunchbox as other white-collar commuters looked on with looks of barely contained jealousy.

In small towns and big cities all over the country, the streets are filled with middle-aged men carrying Avengers paraphernalia, according to Buck Frearson of the Super Hero Merchandise Co. of Spartanburg, S.C.

"These Thor mallets are about 12 pounds each, so they're not that easy to carry, but we've already sold more than 400,000 of them," said Frearson, hefting a hammer up by its strap and noting that men can be seen lugging them along the streets of Chicago and New York City in "staggering numbers."

"The only downside is the people who've accidentally broken their noses spinning them around," said Frearson, who, amid rumbles of a class action suit, says his company has started including warning labels that state, "Do not spin these around near your nose."

"Gods of Thunder these people aren't," he noted.

The run on Avengers merchandise by men in mid-life shouldn't be surprising, according Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Research Center. His study of the Avengers' opening weekend audience shows it was 80 percent made up of males who have been dreaming about this movie since they first read an Avengers comic book when they were 9.

"And the other 20 percent were wives and children dragged there by them," noted Spitznagel, who commented that it's the same demographic for whom improbably busty superheroines were invented.
The demographic isn't entirely male, though - for instance, New Jersey mother of three and Avengers fan Barbara Linebach, 42, was wearing a skintight Black Widow jumpsuit as she pushed her daughter, Madison, 4, down the produce aisle of the Barnegat, N.J. Safeway this week.

"I haven't been this excited about a new outfit since I bought those assless chaps for the Van Halen tour," said Linebach, adjusting the jumpsuit where her midsection kept protruding from between the top and the pants as frightened stock clerks scurried behind the deli counter.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Wednesday: Avengers Buzz Spurs Plans For Wendy & Marvin Movie

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Anticipation over the release of Marvel's The Avengers has studios scrambling to bring other superhero properties to the big screen, including a live-action film featuring Wendy and Marvin from the Super Friends TV series.

"These are some of the most beloved characters in the history of the comics, or at least the Saturday morning television versions of the comics," said producer Martin Shafer. "Who will ever forget their adventures doing, you know, all those things they did with the Super Friends?"

In the series, neither character seemed to have any special abilities to speak of, and no reason was ever given as to why they apparently lived with the Super Friends in the Hall of Justice.

"But in the movie you'll learn a lot more about them," said Shafer, pointing to a picture of the duo from the 1970s series. "You'll learn why Marvin had this big M on his shirt, and you'll see the origins of their torrid romance ... um, unless they're brother and sister, in which case, not so much. Also, I'm pretty sure that's a dog."

Asked point blank if he knew anything about the Marvin and Wendy characters beyond what was shown in the picture, Shafer paused for several seconds and then admitted that didn't. "But I do know that the rights to the characters had lapsed, so I bought them," he added.

Shafer, who also plans to direct the film, says he had hoped to cast Zac Efron, most recently of The Lucky One, and Jennifer Lawrence of The Hunger Games as Marvin and Wendy, but negotiations have proven difficult, given that he did not know who their agents were. However, he said, "I do have tentative agreements from The Situation and Tara Reid," the latter of whom appeared in Shafer's Human Centipede sequel.

Shafer noted that Reid would satisfy his investors' concerns that the movie's Wendy be sufficiently well-endowed so as to fit in among the more modern, improbably busty superheroines. "We will not be making the same mistake as the Superman reboot, which critics and fanboys agreed suffered from a lack of bosoms," he said.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Sony Announces Reboot Of Spider-Man Reboot

SAN DIEGO (CAP) - Producers from Sony stunned the Comic-Con audience this week when they announced another "reboot" of the Spider-Man franchise, whose first reboot isn't even slated to appear in theaters until next summer.

"It's clearly time for a reinvention of this venerable character," said Sony Pictures Entertainment CEO Amy Pascal, making a surprise appearance at the popular convention. "Frankly, audiences have clearly tired of the incarnation of Spider-Man that will make its debut next July."

Pascal was referring to The Amazing Spider-Man, starring Andrew Garfield as the web-slinger, which will be released July 3, 2012. The trailer debuted at Comic-Con last week.

"At the beginning of the trailer I was like, yes! This is the greatest version of Spider-Man ever!" said Josh Carlisle, 21, who had traveled to San Diego from Freehold, N.J. for the event. "But by the end of it I was like, eh, I'm ready for something different."

Pascal said she expected the reboot of the reboot, tentatively titled Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man, to be ready in time for a summer 2014 release. She told the crowd she expected many of the classic elements to remain, including a red-and-blue costume with a spider on it. But she said other elements would be different; for instance Peter Parker will likely be black or Hispanic, and possibly gay, with "Flash" Thompson mentioned as a likely love interest.

"Also, Spider-Man's webbing will come out of his rear end, like an actual spider," said Pascal. "That's if we can do that and still get a PG-13 rating."

This announcement led to a three-hour panel discussion among fans as to whether the butt webbing should be organic, or the result of web-shooters that Peter Parker invents and sticks up his butt.

"Dude, you absolutely can't have organic butt webbing and still be true to the spirit of the comic books!" said Carlisle, prompting a group of fans in hastily scrawled NO ORGANIC BUTT WEBBING t-shirts to rattle their Mountain Dew cans in approval.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Stan Lee Was 'Just Kidding' About Spider-Man Musical

NEW YORK (CAP) - Spider-Man creator Stan Lee, 87, admitted this week that he was "just kidding" when he suggested that producer Michael Cohl mount an elaborate multi-million-dollar Broadway musical based on his web-slinging character.

"I met Michael and Julie [Taymor, the director] at a party," recalled Lee. "I was just making conversation and I said, 'You should do a Magnificent Marvel Musical about our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man - he could swing stirringly from the ceiling and sing songs, and you'd have the combined might of Marvel's Merry Marchers behind you. Excelsior!'

"Even I have no idea what I'm talking about when I say this stuff," said Lee.

"I remember thinking, if Stan Lee thinks this is a good idea, maybe we can make it work," says Cohl, whose Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark has gone millions over budget and been delayed four times thanks to technical snafus and cast injuries. "I figured this is a man who's really a pioneering creative genius."

Reminded that Lee's company Stan Lee Media actually had to declare bankruptcy in 2001, Cohl responded, "Well, I know that now."

Taymor said she was also impressed by the fervor of Lee's pitch. "He was absolutely right - Spider-Man is a genuine American myth with a dark, primal power," says Taymor, who directed the hit Broadway adaptation of The Lion King. "But as it turns out it's a lot harder to make a real guy fly around a theater than a cardboard bird."

The show is meant to feature elaborate acrobatic battle sequences, and rehearsals have resulted in several concussions, two broken wrists and various strains and sprains among cast members, along with an allergic reaction to the chemicals and adhesives in Spider-Man's webbing that sent three stagehands to the hospital and required the response of a New York City HazMat team.

"It's a veritable bloodbath," said the New York Observer's Rex Reed, who has covered the city's theater scene extensively. "Broadway hasn't seen this many injuries since Rex Harrison turned up soused to a performance of My Fair Lady and passed out on Julie Andrews and Robert Coote.

"Sometimes I crack myself up," added Reed.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wedneday: Westboro Protesters Don Bikinis, Tights At Comic-Con

SAN DIEGO (CAP) - More than 100 protesters from the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church converted to the "dark side" while protesting this year's Comic-Con event, trading their fanny packs and "GOD HATES AMERICA" t-shirts for metal bikinis and bright red tights.

"I can't believe I ever had a problem with these people," said Shirley Phelps-Roper of Topeka, Kansas, daughter of the church's founder, Fred Phelps, and organizer of the Comic-Con protest. "I would have done this years ago if I knew it felt this good to wear a Wonder Woman bustier.

"Er, I mean in public," she added.

The controversial church is best known for protesting against homosexuals, and had announced that Comic-Con, which spotlights the latest in comic books and science fiction/fantasy entertainment, was a natural target.

"A God-fearing heterosexual person wouldn't be caught dead in form-fitting Spandex tights that show off the bulges of their nether regions," said Fred Phelps prior to the protest. "And we all know about what's going on between Batman and Robin, whom God hates."

But many of the protesters have apparently reconsidered, putting down their "GOD HATES NERDS" signs and picking up Superman capes and Jedi robes at the urging of the science fiction fans in attendance.

"Comic-Con is all about fun and love and individuality, not hate," noted Sarah Milbaum, one of over 300 women at the convention dressed as "Slave Leia" in a gold metal bikini. "Gay, straight, bi ... As long as you have a slavish, possibly socially isolating devotion to something geeky, you're welcome."

Then, in an effort to show solidarity with the gays and lesbians who've been targets of Westboro protests, Milbaum tried to make out with another Slave Leia, Lisa Funkhauser, but the two wound up bumping heads instead.

"That's what I get for not wearing my glasses!" declared Milbaum, emitting a braying laugh not unlike Arnold Horshack from the 1970s television series Welcome Back, Kotter.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: The comic books that came in from the cold

My family and I went to an actual, real-life bookstore the other night. I like to do this every so often to support the publishing industry, given that the vast majority of my books are purchased used on eBay. You’d be amazed at how little you can pay for a book if you’re not one of those people distracted by unidentifiable stains.

Anyway, during this visit I was surprised to find an entire wall devoted to nothing but comic books. They called them “graphic novels,” but I know a comic book when I see one — I can tell by the little boxes, and the drawings of people with bodies attainable only through the unlicensed use of gamma rays.

I can’t say exactly how I feel about comic books being given such prominence in legitimate bookstores, though. I know when I was a kid, finding your favorite comics was a challenge. They were such an afterthought that most drugstores were more likely to have those magazines on the top shelf wrapped in brown paper than they were to have comic books. (I never found out what was in those magazines, but I suspect it was articles about adult topics, like escrow.)

As I recall, it took me years to find a regular supplier: I finally discovered that Kurtz’s Stationery in my little hometown of Carmel, N.Y. had one whole shelf devoted to comics, nestled in the back of the store among the tobacco products. I use the term “back” loosely, since a grown adult could walk the entire length of the store in about four strides; if you were 10 and sprinting breathlessly toward the comics, it probably took about six.

The width of the single aisle would have been a tight squeeze for most modern air travelers — there was barely enough room to fit a single customer and the ever-present owner (Mr. Kurtz, I presume), an ancient man in giant horn-rimmed glasses and flannel hunting shirt, perched on a stool behind the penny candy bin. The store’s been closed for years, but somehow I picture him still there, silently waiting for someone to just try to pocket a Tootsie Roll without him noticing.

It was an interesting sensation being in Kurtz’s. What it lacked in space it easily made up for in utility — not an inch of wall space was unused, its shelves stacked to the ceiling with magazines and newspapers of all sizes and stripes. On a particularly dim day, walking in gave you a distinct feeling of having burrowed into a newsstand from the bottom up.

The store was on the route to the deli where my father bought bagels every Sunday, so we worked out a system; he would drop me off on his way, and I’d have approximately 12 minutes to flip through every new title and make my purchase before he pulled up on his way back. That probably sounds like plenty of time, but not when you only have $2 and have to narrow it down to five comics when there are at least 10 you want.

So who got left out? The Fantastic Four? Ghost Rider? Daredevil? Certainly not Spider-Man, and he probably had three or four different titles devoted to him at that point. (I could name them all, but I don’t want the bullies from my elementary school to track me down and give me wedgies. With Facebook I think that’s possible.)

Which brings me to my concerns over my bookstore visit. Back then, I think part of the joy of reading comics was that the effort you put into finding them made you feel like you were part of an exclusive club. A club full of slightly chubby, nearsighted boys obsessed about whether it would be cooler to have super strength or be able to walk through walls, but a club nonetheless.

Finding them in a major bookstore, so easily accessible, seems to take some of the fun out of it. Sure, I enjoyed reading them for their entertainment and educational value — for instance, from “Savage Sword of Conan” I learned that there was a period in our history where women wore nothing but metal bikinis — but I think my fondest memories are of tracking the comics down, whether lucked upon at random or during my regular Sunday run. I even thought about buying a few the other night, just for old time’s sake.

Not in the bookstore, of course. I’m sure I could find them much cheaper on eBay.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”