COLUMN: Schools vs. the mosquitoes

The following is (not really) a message from your superintendent of schools:

Hello parents! We hope you and your children are adapting well to another new school year. As you know, as a district we are dedicated to your children’s education, health and welfare, not necessarily in that order.

With that in mind, we have elected to cancel outdoor activities until further notice in the wake of the discovery of West Nile virus in a mosquito within town limits. According to the Department of Public Health, it was just a single mosquito, and since it was found in a car with New Jersey license plates it was likely driven here from out of state, possibly last year.

Still, we prefer not to take any chances and will be doing our best to keep your children from exposure to air, particularly outdoor air. To that end, we have canceled or postponed the following activities:

• After-school sports practices and games;
• Outdoor recess;
• Standing or milling about open windows or doorways;
• Busing.
  

Rather than have children wait at or walk home from a bus stop, and ride in a bus in which mosquitoes can travel into the vehicle with the exhaust fumes, we ask that you plan to drop students off and pick them up inside the school. They can accompany you to and from the parking lot via the large airtight sterile tubes set up by our custodial staff, very similar to the ones used by the government agents in the film “E.T. the Extra Terrestrial.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Public Health has notified us that, in an effort to ensure public health following the discovery of the mosquito, it will be spraying the entire town with deadly chemicals this Tuesday. Officials have asked that while they spray, from approximately 7 a.m. to 4 p.m., residents remain sealed tightly in their homes, running their oven fans at “maximum.”

Until spraying commences, please make sure your children do not leave the house unless they are wearing long sleeves, long pants, long socks, ski hats and, ideally, plastic baggies around their hands secured by elastic bands. It is not recommended that you put baggies over your children’s heads unless you poke holes in them first, which kind of defeats the purpose. A better idea is probably to spray your child in the face with DEET.

Also, please remember to dispose of any sources of standing water around your home where mosquitoes might breed, like those old trash can covers and hubcaps that have been on your driveway since the late ’90s. You know who you are.

I acknowledge that we’ve heard complaints from several parents who have pointed out that they spent practically their entire childhoods outdoors, never used bug spray, and, despite coming home every night covered with literally dozens of mosquito bites, they never got ill. However, I would point out that times have changed, in that mosquito-borne illnesses are much more common, as are liability attorneys.

We hope that these minor inconveniences are short-lived and that the Department of Public Health will soon sound the “all clear,” allowing us to resume outdoor activities as usual. On the other hand, if they find any mosquitoes with Eastern equine encephalitis within a 50-mile radius, I should warn you we’ll be sending you copies of your children’s textbooks so you can home-school them in your boarded-up basement while we wait for the first heavy frost. See you next year!

Sincerely,
Your Superintendent

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Study - Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obtuse By 2030

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The number of obtuse people in the United States will increase from 99 million in 2008 to 164 million by 2030, according to a new study by the Pew Research Center.

"Possibly more, depending on the relative acceleration of certain societal factors," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Center, citing the number of reality television shows on the air, the preponderance of comments sections on news websites, and whether a Tea Party candidate is elected president.

"It was not that long ago that it was relatively uncommon to come across an obtuse person," noted Spitznagel, particularly outside of certain high-obtuseness hotspots like hockey arenas, and the South. "These days it's not unusual for entire families, and in some cases entire social groups, to be obtuse. Often morbidly obtuse."

The study pointed to several possible causes of obtuseness in Americans, including a decline in education funding, and Rush Limbaugh. But far and away the primary factor is the rise of the Internet, said Spitznagel.

"The definition of obtuse is 'lacking quickness of perception or intellect,' and the Internet caters specifically to people with those qualities," said Spitznagel, noting the recent finding that more than 80 percent of the Internet is pictures of cats.

"Fifty or even 20 years ago it was much more common for people to expand their intellectual horizons, just to keep from getting bored," Spitznagel explained. "Nowadays those same people can just spend their time playing Farmville or uploading pictures of their kids to one of Google's several dozen social networking sites.

"Plus, if there's a topic you don't understand or that is nuanced enough to require multi-level thinking, you can just go into the comments section and call it retarded, along with the dozens of other obtuse people doing the same thing," noted Spitznagel.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: First Lady Vows To Humiliate One Fat Kid Per Week

WASHINGTON (CAP) - First Lady Michelle Obama has fired the latest salvo in her battle against obesity, launching an "Obesity Poster Child" program that will call out one overweight child per week in a national ad campaign.

"It's easy to tell people to eat right, exercise and get outside instead of sitting in front of a TV or computer screen," wrote Obama in a press release on the new program. "But what will really drive the point home is an image of an actual overweight child whose life is bound to be hampered by poor health and social isolation, especially after his or her picture runs in every magazine and newspaper in America.

"Also on billboards," she added.

The pictures, to be snapped surreptitiously by prominent obesity photographer Lucas Earls, will feature children between the ages of approximately 7 and 13 who clearly meet the national standards for obesity.

"If they happen to be holding a corn dog at the time, all the better," said Earls, who plans to scour the entire country for subjects, but mostly Alabama.

Anticipating criticism about using photos of children, Sally Caruthers, spokeswoman for the First Lady's "Let's Move" program, noted that the organization would be obtaining written consent from the parents of each subject. Also, the photos will be taken from angles that accentuate the children's prodigious girth, not their facial features, she said.

"It's very likely that only their family and friends will be able to identify them," noted Caruthers.

The first subject, Olivia Funderburk, is an 8-year-old from Jacksons' Gap, Ala., approximately 3-foot-11-inches tall and 112 pounds. In ads set to debut nationally tomorrow, she's pictured at the Tallapoosa County Flea Market with a giant piece of fried dough hanging out of her mouth.

Under her image is the message, "Don't let your child end up like Olivia. At least not if you want grandchildren someday."

"I came up with that last part myself," noted Earls.

Asked by CAP News why they agreed to allow their daughter's image to be used in the program, Olivia's mother, Jessica Funderbunk, 27, noted, "Because she'll be on TV, duh!"

The Funderbunks have apparently already lined up several local endorsement deals based on Olivia's newfound fame, including from the flea market where she was photographed, a car dealership and a fried dough manufacturer.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Scientists Discover 'Superbad' Cholesterol

NEW YORK (CAP) - Researchers at NYU Medical Center have discovered a new, stickier and more deadly form of bad cholesterol they're calling "superbad" cholesterol, according to findings acquired by CAP News.

The study found that unlike normal bad cholesterol, known as LDL, which gradually attaches itself to arterial walls and clogs the arteries, superbad cholesterol immediately fills up entire arteries "like you stuck a caulking gun down there," wrote the study's coordinator, Dr. Bentley Worthington, in a preface to the findings.

According to the report, America's changing dietary habits likely led to the development of this ultra-bad cholesterol.

"Much like stronger bacteria have formed in response to anti-bacterial sprays and lotions, cholesterol too has adapted as we consume more and more saturated and trans fats," wrote Worthington. "You can only eat so many KFC Double Down sandwiches before your body finds a way to fight back.

"And I'm not just talking about all the pooping," he added, in what was apparently a rough draft of the study.

The study was leaked to CAP News by a researcher who asked not to be identified, claiming that the findings were being suppressed by "powerful forces" determined not to see them come to light before the Memorial Day weekend.

"They had a lot of hamburgers and hot dogs they needed to push, and were afraid these findings would stymie sales," claimed the researcher, who quoted a Kraft company executive as telling the hospital's board, "It's all psychological. You yell cardiomyopathy, everybody says, 'Huh? What?' You yell superbad cholesterol, we've got a panic on our hands on Memorial Day weekend!"

Kraft spokesman Michael Hirschberg denies the allegations, saying that Kraft always has the good health of its customers in mind. He pointed to the company's new "Eat Sensibly" advertisements, featuring their spokesman, competitive hot dog eater Joey Chestnut.

A study of the findings reveals why they might raise concern among some food manufacturers. In addition to clogging the arteries at an alarming rate - "one Cinnabon can be enough to do it," it found - pieces of the superbad cholesterol can flake off the artery wall and travel directly to the heart, where they cause the aorta to expand and eventually explode in a tremendous chest-extruding fireball.

The study mentions one test case, Karl Stubens of Estill Springs, Tenn., who weighed more than 350 pounds and admitted to eating at Arby's more than four times a week. Stubens told researchers his high cholesterol could be blamed on "family history." Then his chest blew up.

"It was like that scene in Alien, except instead of a little creature popping out, it was an Angus Three Cheese & Bacon hoagie," the study read.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Something to fall back on

I recently discovered the only thing more humiliating than throwing your back out while candlepin bowling; namely, throwing your back out while taking off your candlepin bowling shoes. I managed to do this despite the fact that billions of people manage to remove shoes every day without serious injury, many of them more than once. Just ask Mr. Rogers.

The day was going so well, too — I had even bowled a personal best, coming close to breaking 100 thanks to resourceful use of the bumpers. Then I leaned over to take off the shoes and I felt it — the muscles in my lower back giving way like failing cantilevers on an uninspected bridge.

I tried to put a good face on it for my kids and our companions until I managed to hobble back out to the car, but it wasn’t easy, given that my upper body was suddenly at a 90 degree angle from my legs — I looked like I’d just stopped in to bowl a quick string on the way to my bell tower.

Unfortunately, situations like these aren’t especially unusual for me; a couple times a year my back decides I’m getting a little too cocky and decides to show me who’s boss. And never when I’m doing something manly like moving furniture or lifting floor joists into place — although in my defense, who knew I should have made it a point to always bend my knees when I sneezed?

Given that, you’d think I’d be prepared for the occasional bout with back pain. Yet somehow I’ve never gotten around to buying a cold pack or a heating pad — and trust me, there are few things more pathetic than a grown man sprawled on the couch with frozen vegetables down the back of his pants. (Most doctors recommend 20 minutes corn, 20 minutes peas.)

However, I won’t deny that there are certain mitigating factors that make back problems more bearable. For instance:

1.) The drugs. These are a miracle of modern science, but I should point out that I in no way advocate the regular use of painkillers. Unless you have access to the really good stuff, like the ones Matthew Perry had.

2.) Guilt-free TV watching. For instance, when my back went out this last time I finally got to sit and watch “Superman Returns,” which I thought was actually pretty good. Of course, given the drugs I had taken, who knows if it was actually the movie I thought it was; I’m lucky I didn’t wind up wandering the streets like Margot Kidder.

3.) No one can blame you for not washing dishes. Not that I wash many dishes to begin with, but the chance of it is always hanging out there for the able bodied.

As for the negatives, let’s see … ah yes, that would be the excruciating pain.

This last bout was bad enough to land me at the chiropractor, where he determined that my body was so out of whack that one leg was actually measuring quite a bit shorter than the other one. This might have come as a shock had he not presented it to me so professionally; for instance, not once did he call me “stumpy.” But the great thing about going to the chiropractor is that one minute you have terrible back pain, and he works his magic, and voila! — it’s gone just a few short months later.

But what’s behind my bouts with backaches? Part of it is genetic — catch us at the right moment and some of my family reunions look like a convention of Tim Conway impersonators.

But a lack of regular back exercise probably doesn’t help, along with an expanding midsection that might be throwing off my alignment, like one of those action figures that you can’t get to stand up because its head is too big. So it may be time for a change: A better diet, and maybe some regular exercises to strengthen my back muscles.

I’ll get on those as soon as I finish giving up sneezing.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. He’s away from his desk right now; this column is from 2007. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.