COLUMN: Admit it — you wanna 'Piranha'

The other day, my son saw the commercial for Piranha 3D and had exactly the reaction you’d expect from a 9-year-old boy: “I WANT TO SEE THAT!” And I had the response required from said boy’s 42-year-old father, namely, “Absolutely not. It’s completely inappropriate.” By which I of course meant, “I WANT TO SEE THAT!”

“Inappropriate” is one of those catch-all words we parents use when we mean, “This is something I’d rather put off discussing as long as possible.” But in the case of Piranha 3D — which, judging from the trailer, consists primarily of people in tiny bathing suits being eaten in extreme close-up by prehistoric fish — the word seems entirely, well, appropriate. It looks like a movie that is completely inappropriate for viewing by almost everybody.

So why is my gut reaction to run down to my local IMAX and plunk down 15 bucks? After all, I consider myself a student of the cinema. I’ve paid to watch foreign films — with subtitles, not the dubbed kind where someone steps on Tokyo. Once I even went to a library to watch De Sica’s The Garden of the Finzi-Continis, a movie in which not a single person was skeletonized in 3-D.

Maybe I should blame the cheesy horror films of my childhood — for instance, I remember spending one particular Saturday afternoon glued to Kingdom of the Spiders (1977), a movie in which William Shatner and nobody else you’ve ever heard of are eaten by tarantulas. The movie did not have a happy ending for anybody except Shatner, who released Star Trek: The Motion Picture two years later and immediately removed this from his resume.

It was terrible, and yet I still remember it 30 years later as if I had seen it yesterday, whereas plenty of other “better” movies I saw back then have completely deserted my memory. You know, movies like The Black Stallion (1979), which got four stars from Roger Ebert and I think may have featured a horse, and possibly Mickey Rooney. I guarantee that if either of those characters had been eaten by a spider or a prehistoric piranha, I would recall that movie much better today.

The way I see it, as long as they’re not too exploitative (apologies to Roger Corman), creature features provide some much-needed mindless scares, and at least have the courage of their convictions. For instance, Entertainment Weekly reports that the makers of Piranha 3D used a tanker truck to fill an Arizona lake with at least (at least!) 7,000 gallons of fake blood, which we can only presume is still being cleaned off the fake turtles and pelicans.

Granted, I’ll admit that when I do happen to watch one of these movies now, I can’t help but see them through the eyes of a jaded adult. You’re supposed to revel in the untimely demises of the principal characters at the hands (teeth, claws, appendages) of whatever creature the filmmakers have dreamed up, but that’s harder once you’ve left your callow youth — these days I can’t help but think of the poor state trooper who has to knock on some lady’s door and tell her that her husband was eaten by a fish.

But even if they’re better for the young, 9 is probably a little too young for many of these flicks. I can only imagine if I took my son to Piranha 3D he’d wind up like the kids of a friend of mine — she gave in and let them watch Jaws recently, and now not only won’t they go in the ocean, they won’t sleep in their own beds, out of fear of land sharks. Also, bringing a 9-year-old to Piranha 3D would probably trigger a DSS investigation, and rightly so.

But I’m willing to compromise. Maybe we can settle on something with a little less carnage, like Gremlins (the little pointy-eared creatures movie) or Tremors (the giant worm movie). Or even Kingdom of the Spiders — believe it or not, they have it on Netflix.

I wonder if Shatner knows about that?

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Grizzly Attack Blamed On 'Yogi Bear' Movie

TETON COUNTY, Wyo. (CAP) - The grizzly bear that attacked three campers in Yellowstone National Park last week had just seen a special sneak preview of the upcoming Yogi Bear feature film, according to park officials.

The park had hosted an outdoor screening for campers of the first 30 minutes of the upcoming Warner Brothers film, featuring Dan Aykroyd as the voice of Yogi and Justin Timberlake as his sidekick, Boo-Boo. Several campers and the park's certified wildlife biologist, Terry McKinney, reported spotting a grizzly bear and her three cubs looking at the screen from a nearby hill.

"At first it was cute, like they were really watching the movie," said camper Fred Schafer, 49, of Addison, Wisc. "But then the big one got this look on her face ... I can only describe it as disgust."

A bear matching the same description attacked the campers later that night, and according to McKinney, " it's possible that the bear found the movie, in human terms, offensive to her. You know, as a an actual bear, one that doesn't wear a hat and tie."

"I mean, have you seen the previews?" asked McKinney, referring to the trailer in which a computer-generated Yogi Bear dances to pop music and tries to steal a lunchbox from the live-action Ranger Smith, played by Tom Cavanaugh of TV's Ed. "I'm just a biologist, and it made me want to maul somebody."

If McKinney's theory proves true, it wouldn't be the first time animals were moved to disturbing behavior by their portrayal on the big screen. At a 2005 outdoor screening in Newburyport, Mass. of Valiant - the World War II carrier pigeon movie featuring the voices of Ewan McGregor and Ricky Gervais - the event ended abruptly when hundreds of pigeons defecated on the crowd, sending children screaming and running for cover.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: When in doubt, blame Google

Like most people, I spend much of my time trying to determine whom I should blame for all my various problems. It can be tough, since there are so many options to choose from, such as the government, Wall Street and/or Mel Gibson. All are tempting, but I’ve decided to pick Google.

I’d like to say that’s an original idea, but I have to give credit to Lauren Rosenberg of Park City, Utah. She’s the woman who sued Google after Google’s walking directions advised her to walk on a highway with no sidewalks, and she was promptly run over. On the plus side, that happened before Google got the chance to tell her to jump off a bridge, just like her mother always warned her it would.

Yes, you might assume a thinking, breathing human being would realize the directions were problematic when she got to the highway and the only sign of non-automotive life was a flattened hedgehog. But clearly you are forgetting that we live in a country where strollers carry a warning label that reads (really) “remove child before folding.” And actually, the Google directions do carry a warning, but apparently Rosenberg couldn’t read it on her Blackberry, possibly because she was texting at the time. (“On a hiway, WTF? Agh!” etc.)

So until Google figures out some more appropriate warnings (“CAUTION: You are going to get run over”) I’m having my attorney file a series of lawsuits aimed at seeking restitution for the hardships I’ve suffered, much like Lauren Rosenberg, because of the company’s negligence. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1) Chianca v. Google Maps. “My client alleges that checking the mileage between each turn forced him to do math while driving, which studies have shown to be dangerously distracting. Also, he had trouble reading the directions because he had spilled his latte on them, causing the ink to run. He is suing for the funds to replace his neighbor’s mailbox, which he ran over, and also to replace his latte.”

2) Chianca v. Google Image Search. “My client alleges that while doing research into the 1980s pop group Kajagoogoo, he accidentally searched for images of Lady Gaga, causing severe emotional distress and a disturbing compulsion to wear soda cans in his hair. He also alleges that the images of Kajagoogoo were only marginally less harrowing. He is suing for $3 million to have his memory erased.”

3) Chianca v. Google Videos. “My client alleges that in searching for video footage of former NFL tackle Fred Smerlas, Google Videos turned up clips of manic, squirrel-voiced YouTube icon Fred Figglehorn, resulting in hearing loss and fear of tousled hair. Even though my client searched only for ‘Fred,’ he alleges that Google should have known he was searching for Fred Smerlas because, come on, it’s Smerlas. He is suing for $5 million and an authentic 1989 Buffalo Bills jersey.”

4) Chianca v. Google Blog Search. “My client alleges that a Google blog search for ‘Barack Obama’ turned up more than 400,000 blogs comparing Obama to Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden and pre-socialist radical Gerrard Winstanley. When my client brought up these views at a cocktail party among his liberal friends, they shunned him and burned his ascot with their patchouli incense. He is suing for $1 million for emotional distress, and a new ascot.”

5) Chianca v. Google Products. “My client alleges that Google Products exposed him to merchandise well beyond his ability to afford, resulting in extreme and unanticipated debt. He is suing for funds to pay for the items purchased, including a 72-inch HDTV ($1,499), a Brunswick pool table ($2,999) and a Jura-Capresso Impressa Z6 Automatic Coffee and Latte Maker ($3,229). Especially that last one.”

That’s it so far, but I’m sure I can come up with a few others — and I figure if I can follow Rosenberg’s lead and get these into court fast enough, I can collect before Google gets its act together in the disclaimer department. Otherwise I might have to find someone else to sue.

I’m thinking Mel Gibson is probably my best bet.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Wedneday: Westboro Protesters Don Bikinis, Tights At Comic-Con

SAN DIEGO (CAP) - More than 100 protesters from the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church converted to the "dark side" while protesting this year's Comic-Con event, trading their fanny packs and "GOD HATES AMERICA" t-shirts for metal bikinis and bright red tights.

"I can't believe I ever had a problem with these people," said Shirley Phelps-Roper of Topeka, Kansas, daughter of the church's founder, Fred Phelps, and organizer of the Comic-Con protest. "I would have done this years ago if I knew it felt this good to wear a Wonder Woman bustier.

"Er, I mean in public," she added.

The controversial church is best known for protesting against homosexuals, and had announced that Comic-Con, which spotlights the latest in comic books and science fiction/fantasy entertainment, was a natural target.

"A God-fearing heterosexual person wouldn't be caught dead in form-fitting Spandex tights that show off the bulges of their nether regions," said Fred Phelps prior to the protest. "And we all know about what's going on between Batman and Robin, whom God hates."

But many of the protesters have apparently reconsidered, putting down their "GOD HATES NERDS" signs and picking up Superman capes and Jedi robes at the urging of the science fiction fans in attendance.

"Comic-Con is all about fun and love and individuality, not hate," noted Sarah Milbaum, one of over 300 women at the convention dressed as "Slave Leia" in a gold metal bikini. "Gay, straight, bi ... As long as you have a slavish, possibly socially isolating devotion to something geeky, you're welcome."

Then, in an effort to show solidarity with the gays and lesbians who've been targets of Westboro protests, Milbaum tried to make out with another Slave Leia, Lisa Funkhauser, but the two wound up bumping heads instead.

"That's what I get for not wearing my glasses!" declared Milbaum, emitting a braying laugh not unlike Arnold Horshack from the 1970s television series Welcome Back, Kotter.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Bristol Palin Dumps Levi For Old Spice Guy

WASILLA, ALASKA (CAP) - In what appears to be the result of a bizarre misunderstanding, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol - fresh off her reconciliation with her baby's father, Levi Johnston - has dumped Levi in favor of Isaiah Mustafa, a.k.a. the Old Spice Guy.

"I thought I still loved Levi, but after finding out that Old Spice Guy was interested in me ... like, it's all I've been able to think about," Bristol Palin told US Weekly. "Of all the big black men I've been with, he's definitely the hottest."

But apparently Bristol's impression that Mustafa had feelings for her resulted from her misinterpretation of a recent Old Spice Guy video, one of many spoof clips directed at both celebrities and fans.

"In response to Bristol Palin's Tweet about my pectoral muscles ... Well, hello Bristol Palin," says Mustafa in the video, wearing only his trademark white towel. "I too admire my pectoral muscles, but not as much as I admire your sexy aura, which shines brighter than the hottest sun. Please know that I consider you among my dearest and closest Internet friends, and I will love you, always." Then he beats a pinata with a petrified fresh-water fish.

"He put it right out on YouTube for everyone to see," Palin told US, clearly swooning. "I can't wait to start making little brown babies with him."

According to sources close to the Palin family, Sarah Palin was originally relieved to hear Bristol had dumped Levi for the Old Spice Guy, but she had apparently been thinking of the Old Spice sailor from the company's 1971 television commercial.

"Oh, he was one sexy sailor man, you betcha," wrote Palin in her syndicated newspaper column. "He reminded me of Todd but with more hair, and ya know, more knotical [sic], like."

Friends of Palin indicated that she'd still prefer the new Old Spice Guy over Johnston, and has resolved that if Bristol and Old Spice Guy are to marry, she's prepared to just pretend that he's "very tan."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Kids force you to face the music

If you’ve ever been the parent of a toddler, you’ve probably experienced the urge to take Barney the Dinosaur, or each member of The Wiggles, or that marginal singer who took the gig singing “99 Favorite Nursery Rhymes” to keep from starving, and smother them to death under a Dora the Explorer pillow. Never fear: It’s very common, and no jury in the land would convict you.

It’s tempting to count the minutes until your kids grow out of the phase when this kind of music is their main entertainment option, but as more experienced parents will always tell you, you shouldn’t rush things — first of all, it won’t be long before every look they give you betrays their belief that their actual parents had been forced to sell them as babies to a roving pack of simpletons.

And in this case, beware that Barney the Dinosaur gives way to the likes of Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez. If you don’t know who these two are, picture the Stepford children that used to hang around with Barney, and then imagine them as if they went through the trampy makeover that Olivia Newton-John got at the end of “Grease.”

If you’re like me, you may have had this misguided idea that as your kids’ musical tastes began to mature, they’d switch to genres you’d find more palatable in your car or household — maybe even including some of the contents of your own music collection. Surely all those years of playing Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel or progressive rock from the early 1970s had an effect on them, at least subconsciously.

And it turns out you were right: It caused them to hate it.

Sure, I see people with their 8-year-olds at Springsteen concerts now, but they’re the exception; I suspect they’re part of some obscure Mormon splinter sect practicing their brainwashing techniques. Most kids are probably like mine, who view the idea of a Springsteen concert as a sort of sixth circle of hell, like the island in “Pinocchio” where the kids get turned into donkeys.

No, instead they’ve somehow gotten into their heads a penchant for bubblegum pop and dance music. I can blame my daughter’s affection for Miley on Disney’s ubiquitous marketing machine — after all, I’m just one man. But how both she and my son fell for the Black Eyed Peas is beyond me; I rarely let them listen to Kiss 108 for more than the minute it takes to figure out we’re listening to a song about some activity I don’t even want my kids to know exists until they’re in their 20s.

The also don’t get the idea of volume — not loudness, but capacity. I recently helped my daughter load her new iPod Nano, which holds 2,000 songs, and she was extremely picky about which tracks to include.

“Why would I want to put on a whole bunch of songs I’ll never listen to?” she asked.

“That’s the whole idea!” I responded, waving the sleek purple device in front of her face. “The whole point of the iPod is to have hundreds of songs you’ll never listen to! But you could listen to them if you wanted to.” That’s when I got the simpletons look.

I guess kids will always rebel against their parents’ musical tastes, but even if I like guitar rock and they like auto-tuned dance tracks, I figure the fact that we’re all appreciating some kind of music is cause for hope. And that’s not to say there isn’t any common ground, either.

For instance, we all hate Barney now.

This column appeared originally in West of Boston Life magazine and North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Wedneday: Doctors Recommend Against Lady Gaga-ectomies

NEW YORK (CAP) - Doctors are warning that teenage girls are putting themselves at risk if they use certain increasingly popular procedures to emulate singer Lady Gaga, such as hair sculpting, eye stretching and thigh elongating.

"All of these procedures are completely unnecessary and carry with them health risks that teenage girls lack the maturity to consider," said Dr. Bentley Worthington, chief medical officer at New York's SDN Medical Center, who also questioned the integrity of doctors who perform the services. "I know I personally would not perform a thigh elongation on anyone under 18, at least not without a convincing note from a parent or guardian."

That procedure, which involves removing fat and cellulite from thighs and stretching the remaining muscle and cartilage to mimic Lady Gaga's stick-thin appendages, is one of the most invasive, and has already resulted in serious complications for a 16-year-old girl from Moonachie, N.J.

"I was only supposed to gain two inches to my thighs, three tops," explained a teary Caitlin Rogers, whose thighs were overstretched during the procedure, leaving the formerly 5-foot-2 sophomore class treasurer a towering 5-10 1/2.

"And I can barely walk on these things," she added, gesturing to her skinny legs, which have become so wobbly that it's jeopardized her after-school position as a cashier at the Lehman Brothers Discount Clothing Outlet.

The doctor who performed that procedure, Dr. Cornelius Patch, declined to comment for this article, but in a prepared statement noted that he waived his fee for the procedure, and also did not charge Rogers for surgically attaching a giant blonde bow made of human hair.

While that's an extreme case, health professionals warn that even more relatively simple procedures carry potential problems. Doctors point to the fad that started the faux Gaga craze, "circle" contact lenses that give eyes an artificial "doe-eyed" look like the one the singer wore in her Bad Romance video. An increasing number of girls are making the look permanent via eye-stretching surgery involving a laser and tiny eyeball-enlarging clamps that must remain in place for two weeks to work properly.

The result, in addition to corneal abrasions and blinding infections, is "an entire generation of girls who look like Bratz dolls," according to U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan.

"I've talked to high school classes, and I tell you it's downright creepy, all those tremendous eyeballs staring back at you," said Duncan. "The only plus side is it takes attention away from their trampy outfits."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: The future according to you (and Pew)

OK, I’ve finally decided on my new career, if and when the only remaining newspaper is sealed in glass in the Smithsonian Institute, next to Fonzie’s jacket. I’m going to pursue a position at the Pew Research Center, where they get to think up questions to ask average Americans, and then sit around high-fiving each other over how nutty the answers are. Also, I suspect they might be drunk.

Backing up my theory is a poll the center released last week, featuring predictions about the near future made by “the majority of Americans.” This despite the fact that I’m pretty sure the majority of Americans couldn’t even tell you what’s coming up next in their Netflix queue. (For instance, I had no recollection of adding all those Meg Ryan movies to mine, and you can’t prove that I did.)

Seems to me they’d want to poll people with actual working knowledge of what might happen, like scientists, or psychics, or the next president of the United States, Sarah Palin. I’m assuming that’s whom the 89 percent that predict a female president are referring to, particularly given that the other 11 percent have moved to Canada.

Instead, they ask average people who seem to base most of their opinions about the future on the “Terminator” movies. For instance, 81 percent think that computers will soon be able to converse like humans, which may or may not lead to the massive world war that 58 percent of respondents are anticipating. At the very least it should lead to computers gossiping and getting into pointless arguments with each other, just like humans but cooler, because they’ll have lasers.

In addition to World War III, many people pointed to the likelihood that we’ll be blown up by terrorists and/or that China will take over as the world’s superpower, meaning your Mandarin-to-English phrase book will finally come in handy. And 31 percent think the earth will be hit by an asteroid — you can tell who those respondents are by looking for the people blowing their 401Ks on beer and chocolate.

But it’s not all doom and gloom: Many respondents predict that it won’t be long before extinct animals are brought back by cloning, we find evidence of life on other planets and science develops a cure for cancer. Of course, since these people have no science background that’s mostly wishful thinking; they would probably also predict a future in which the entire population of the earth becomes good-looking. And granted the alternative would be disturbing, i.e. that we all still look like we do now.

It’s possible that these polls are better at gauging public opinion than at prognosticating. For instance, it’s telling that while 83 percent of Democrats are concerned about global warming, only 48 percent of Republicans are. This despite the fact that global warming could melt the icecaps and release the frozen cavemen riding dinosaurs that God put there when He made the earth 6,000 years ago. (Just ask President Palin.)

What’s most troubling, though, is that the number of people optimistic about the future is down 20 percent from 1999. While that makes sense for those of us in the print newspaper industry (which 64 percent of people feel will disappear by 2050), I think the rest of you should buck up! We should just all promise to get along, be productive and do our part to ensure a happier, healthier future.

Our computer overlords wouldn’t want it any other way.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

Oh good! The first great white shark sighting of summer

Nothing says "start of summer" to me like the first great white shark sighting. It's a fine reminder of how the longstanding coastal tradition of enjoying our beautiful beaches and shorelines can possibly end in being chewed to death.

Of course, Bruce Sweet, captain of the 35-foot Sweet Dream III out of Gloucester, Mass., doesn't seem concerned -- he hooked one by accident Saturday and, rather than declaring the need for a bigger boat or blowing it up with a scuba tank, he took pictures and video. How very new millennium.

Meanwhile, it's worth reminding everyone to practice water safety, and to avoid making bombastic speeches when standing too close to a big hole in the bottom of your ship that's being stalked by genetically engineered sharks. I'm just saying.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: McDonald's Accidentally Puts School's Condoms In Happy Meals

PROVINCETOWN, Mass. (CAP) - McDonald's executives were left with egg (McMuffin) on their face this week, when over 5,000 Happy Meals were distributed with colored condoms instead of a plastic toy from the movie The Last Airbender.

The condoms were intended for the Provincetown, Mass. school system, which recently established a policy making them available for students of all ages; they were delivered to McDonald's distribution center in Barnstable, Mass. in error.

"They were so bright and colorful, they were mistaken for Happy Meal toys," explained McDonald's vice president of public relations Robin Anderson. "Unfortunately most of the workers there don't read English, and they thought 'Ribbed Latex' was a character from The Last Airbender."

"Who ever heard of The Last Airbender anyway?" added Jose Estevez, president of McDonald's Distribution Union 8801, in defense of his fellow workers.

The mistake led to an incident in a Brewster, Mass., McDonald's, where more than a dozen 8-year-olds attending a birthday party all opened their condoms at once, and immediately blew them into balloons and started batting them around the restaurant.

Shrieks of horror ensued from several other patrons, and one elderly woman fainted when a condom balloon landed in her Filet O' Fish.

"She'd apparently never seen one that size before," explained Brewster Police Chief Bradley Heffernan, who noted that there were some similar concerns when Congress instituted its "Cash For Condoms" program.

The McDonald's incident also caused problems in Provincetown, where the schools accidentally received the restaurant's shipments of Last Airbender toys, and several were released to students who went into their school's nurse's office seeking condoms.

"This was actually very successful among the younger grades, where students would much rather get a stuffed 'Momo' doll than a condom," admitted School Superintendent Beth Singer, who in recent weeks has had to defend the school district's policy of distributing condoms to any student who asks, and not notifying parents.

"But unfortunately there was an issue with Last Airbender Aang Water Cannons being distributed to high school students, resulting in several unwanted pregnancies," said Singer.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Harry Potter Theme Park Closes 'Equus Pavilion'

ORLANDO (CAP) - "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" at the Islands of Adventure theme park has only been open a short time, but protests by conservative watchdog groups have already forced Universal to close the park's controversial "Equus Pavilion."

Based on the 2007 revival of the Peter Shaffer play that featured Potter star Daniel Radcliffe, the Equus Pavilion allowed guests to ride animatronic blinded horses past naked Radcliffe look-alikes.

"In retrospect, the attraction may have been too avant-garde for its own good," admitted Bill Douglas, president of Universal Orlando.

"I had to cover my daughter's eyes - it was bloody manky, all those Daniel Radcliffes running around in their altogether," said Sarah Lowsley of Wolverhampton, England, who had traveled to the park with her daughter Millicent, 12, and waited 10 hours to get in last weekend.

"They had some cellophane or something covering their naughty bits, but they were clearly in the nuddy," claimed Lowsley. "At one point one of them tried to have relations with our bloody mechanical horse!" Lowsley went on to clarify that she meant "bloody" literally, as the horses were all bleeding from their artificial eyes.

"The naked Radcliffes are only supposed to nuzzle the horses," responded Douglas, noting that park managers had reviewed security tapes and could only identify a handful of incidences where the cast members may have gotten "a little too randy" with the robot stallions.

"They're attractive animals," Douglas admitted.

The attraction drew immediate fire from conservatives, many of them already no fan of the Potter series. The watchdog group Mothers Against Everything (MAE) called Universal's decision to incorporate Shaffer's 1973 play about a young man's violent religious and sexual fascination with horses into a family theme park "a very bad choice."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: More Father’s Day tips for baffled dads

Every year around this time, I like to dip into my pool of fatherly knowledge and offer up some tips on being a good dad. Unfortunately, it’s sort of like a little plastic pool, about a foot deep with cartoon whales on it.

Still, with kids ages 11 and 8, I figure I can come up with some half-decent advice — and maybe even some signs of hope for those of you with younger children who are concerned it’s only a matter of time before you screw them up. You know who you are.

1) Be prepared to do research. For years you were able to appear informed about your kids’ interests through your vast general knowledge, which you could mostly make up, since they had no access to Wikipedia. But eventually they gravitate toward activities you know nothing about, and if you don’t make a concerted effort to learn about them you risk being labeled an idiot, even before that typically happens.

Take my son, who this year decided to take up lacrosse; this is not a very well known sport, mainly because there has never been an inspirational Hollywood movie about it, possibly starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. To the untrained eye, it resembles guys running around whacking each other with sticks. But I did a little research into it and discovered it’s actually a highly nuanced, very strategic sport, in which guys run around whacking each other with sticks.

2) You have to work on the basics. When I first started teaching my son how to play baseball, I could do no wrong; I was like Mark Fidrych, Reggie Jackson and Garry Maddox all rolled into one, primarily because he had never heard of any of those people. But now that he’s an accomplished ballplayer in his own right, there are certain things he expects from me, like the ability to pitch him a ball in his strike zone, and not the strike zone of an imaginary 8-foot-tall person swinging a 5-foot bat.

This means the kids aren’t the only ones who need to practice. With that in mind, I plan to go out and, even if it takes me hour upon hour of intense personal effort, buy him a pitching machine.

3) Hide the remote. When your kids are little and they’re watching “Caillou” — the cartoon about the eerily bald, fit-prone 4-year-old whom even Mr. Rogers would trip if nobody was looking — you think children’s television can’t possibly get any worse. Then they start watching “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody,” starring twin actors apparently grown in a Disney laboratory using DNA from the band Nelson and a squirrel.

The comedy (“comedy”) on these shows usually involves bodily functions, hilarious personal injury and characters being nasty to each other. We’ve actually had to ban several Disney and Nickelodeon programs because the characters are so mean — I’m concerned that the sidekick girl from “iCarly” may actually be a sociopath. I’m just waiting for the episode where they find Gibby’s head in a box.

4) Beware the math. You might have thought your college degree, or perhaps your master’s, or the fact that you’ve spent years running a multinational corporation, would have prepared you for your daughter’s fifth-grade math homework. This is not true, however, because the way students learn math has been reworked by a committee of people who hate you.

It’s not just that they’ve taught our children completely alien procedures to use when solving math problems, leading to daily battles as parents insist on dividing and subtracting while their kids are trying to “regroup,” whatever that means. They also end every assignment with an essay question in which students have to explain why the problem works out the way it does, a development which seriously undermines the time-honored mathematical tradition of just guessing.

5) Give yourself a little credit. Although fathering is tough, you can sometimes spot signs that you’re making progress. For instance, when my son asked me what I was doing today, I said I was writing about how to be a good dad — and he replied, “Well, you’re a good dad, so that should be pretty easy.” Hey … That must mean I’m doing something right!

It’s just a good thing I didn’t say I was writing about how to be a good pitcher.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Teen Aims To Be Youngest To Wrestle A Lion To Death

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Justin Merkenson, a 14-year-old from Cupertino, Calif., will try to break into the record books by becoming the youngest person ever to wrestle a live lion, he announced at a press conference yesterday flanked by his parents, siblings and other proud relatives.

"It's been my dream since I was 11 to wrestle a fully grown African lion," Merkenson told reporters. "I've been working this whole time toward that goal, and I feel like I'm finally ready to take it on, sort of."

Justin's parents, Larry and Marylou Merkenson, acknowledge they've faced criticism for allowing their son to take on a challenge many see as too dangerous for a boy his age, or any age, really.

"I do grapple with it," concedes Larry Merkenson. "But he's ready for it from the standpoint of animal wrestling ability, and emotionally I believe he's ready to tackle this head-on.

"I've tried to scare him away from it by showing him some ugly stuff that can happen when you get that close to a ferocious jungle predator, but he just gets more encouraged," he said. "He's kind of stupid that way."

Justin notes that he began wrestling small animals, like cats and possums, at age 13, moving up to larger-breed dogs and eventually more aggressive creatures like raccoons and domestic goats.

"The ones with the horns can get pretty nasty," said Justin.

He plans to keep a record of his attempt via a blog called Justin's Lion Wrestling Blog, although he admitted it might be difficult to type while attempting to keep his head out of the lion's massive jaws. "But nobody ever said this would be easy, I don't think," he noted.

Still, opposition to the attempt is mounting. Darlene Fortenski, spokeswoman for Mothers Against Everything (MAE), denounced the idea, calling it "a very bad choice."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Scott Brown's outside in his truck with his beer helmet!

In what would have to be classified as the BEST CONTEST EVER, U.S. Senator Scott Brown is ... well, I'll let him tell you in his own words:

Our campaign has decided to launch an essay contest to allow you the opportunity to win two Red Sox tickets to attend a game with me off of the 2010 schedule at Fenway Park, and I'll pick you up in my truck!

He doesn't mention whether it will be a threesome, or whether you're obligated to give him one of the two tickets if you win. But the thought of piling into Scott's truck and rolling on down to Fenway is just too tempting to pass up -- do you think he'll buy beers?

Find out how to enter at his Brown Brigade blog. Meanwhile, if you've never seen Brown in person, I should mention that the photo above is not embellished in any way: He really does exude heavenly blue beams of light.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Umpire Joyce Accidentally Runs Over 'Perfect' Pitcher Galarraga

DETROIT (CAP) - Disgraced MLB umpire Jim Joyce made his second major faux pas in a week's time yesterday, apparently hitting the gas instead of the brake in his 2002 Chevy Blazer and running over Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga as he left Comerica Park.

"I don't know how it happened," said a teary-eyed Joyce afterward. "I had a really good angle on the pedals, and I would have swore it was the brake."

"I say many times: Nobody's perfect," Galarraga said from his bed at Detroit's Henry Ford Hospital, where he was being treated for multiple contusions. "Everybody makes a mistake. Unfortunately this one leave me out for the rest of the season, but I'm sure he no want to run me over, probably."

Galarraga and Joyce of course made headlines last week when Joyce blew a crucial call at first base, robbing Galarraga of a perfect game with just one out to go in the ninth inning. The Detroit community has since rallied around Galarraga, with GM even presenting him with a brand new 2001 convertible.

"Unfortunately Jim [Joyce] backed into it at full speed after he run me over," noted Galarraga, who said the car is now totaled. "But again, he just make a mistake. Like I make a mistake when I got out of bed that day, apparently."

"I had a really good angle on [Galarraga's car] in my rear view mirror, and I would have swore it wasn't there," said Joyce, dabbing his eyes and large, fu-manchu style moustache.

It seems the incident is just the latest in a series of unfortunate encounters between the two men; it came out last week that in 2008, Joyce had advised Galarraga to invest heavily in HD-DVD, a move that eventually cost Galarraga hundreds of thousands of dollars.

"That one still smarts," admitted Galarraga. "But how could he know people will like Blu-ray better?"

"Blu-ray - who knew?" said Joyce, now openly weeping.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: What I learned from 'American Idol'

I’ve spent the last eight years systematically avoiding “American Idol,” which is not something that’s easy to do. It’s like avoiding obesity, or Regis Philbin — you’ve got to work at it.

For one thing, the singers in the clips I’d seen were always stretching high notes in a way that I thought might cause my head to explode, like the wine flute in those Memorex commercials. Plus, judging from the number of friends and relatives who told me I should be watching it — “You’ve got to watch Idol!” was a familiar refrain from my mother in particular — I was concerned it might be part of a plot to turn Americans into pod people.

But this year, I finally jumped on the Idol bandwagon, through the same avenue I get introduced to most things these days: my kids. (This is also the reason I know all the lyrics to the Hannah Montana song “Hoedown Throwdown.”) Watching Idol is actually a great way to promote family togetherness — it turns out nothing brings parents and their children together like ranking on people who’ve just embarrassed themselves on national television.

What surprised me, though, was that much of the music wasn’t bad. First of all, at some point apparently all the contestants started playing guitars, which makes them seem much less like Celine Dion. (Can you imagine Celine Dion holding a guitar? She’d tip over.) A fair number of contestants were “bluesy rockers,” as Randy liked to call them, as opposed to scary R&B warblers, as I’d like to think Ellen might call them if she weren’t afraid of being driven off the show and stoned like Paula.

And not only did I enjoy it, I even feel like I learned from it — namely that by following a few simple guidelines, we can all be American idols. For instance:

1) Don’t be lazy. As Simon was wont to point out, pretty much all the performers were prone to “lazy” song choices and “lazy” performances, which was easy for him to say, since he got to sit the whole time. If he were so industrious, you’d think he’d come up with another word for “lazy.” (I like indolent.)

2) Be new and fresh. I liked how the show would make the performers sing songs by Elvis and Frank Sinatra, and then chastise them for not sounding current enough. It seems they were supposed to update the songs by changing the arrangements, presumably just enough to ruin them.

3) Don’t ever admit that you’re a paint salesman. This apparently marks you as a total loser with next to no hope for actual success; the only worse profession for eventual winner Lee DeWyze would have been shoe salesman, in which case Ryan Seacrest would have taken him out back and shot him, just to put him out of his misery.

4) Be in the moment. This advice usually comes from Kara, who only seems to like your performance if she can tell exactly what you’re thinking the whole time. This would not work in my favor, since what I’d usually be thinking is “Kara’s bulgy-eyed stare is creeping me out.”

5) If you have a Ryan Seacrest in your life, you can skip over him if you DVR. I mean that metaphorically, of course; in the real world you just have to distract yourself from the Ryans by doing things like reciting your grocery list in your head.

6) You only need to watch the last five minutes of the results show. I’m not sure exactly how this is applicable to your life outside of Idol, but it could possibly save you from accidentally seeing the Bee Gees.

Granted, following these rules might not turn me into a Siobhan or a Tim Urban, but I’m figuring if I try hard enough, and keep Idol in my heart, I can keep the Simons of the world at bay. Or at least my mother.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Lee DeWyze Can't Believe He Has To Make An Album

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - A week after his surprising win, American Idol champion Lee DeWyze is just now coming out of what doctors say is a state of severe shock.

"I won? I sang Beautiful Day?" DeWyze said incredulously when shown a tape of his victory show. "I was on American Idol?"

Then he slipped back into the shell-shocked look that became his trademark on this season of Idol, having to be revived with a bucket of ice water to the face.

"I have to make a whole album now?" he then asked, still dripping. "I'm a freakin' paint salesman, for crying out loud!" Then he bent over and took a series of long, deep breaths, apparently to keep from passing out.

DeWyze's victory came as a surprise to many, given that the runner-up, Crystal Bowersox, was generally considered by judges and critics to be the better performer.

"I thought Lee was great, but all he ever did backstage was hyperventilate and throw up," said Bowersox. "I'd wish him luck and he'd just stare at me like he was going to cry. Then he'd either heave or curl up in the corner and recite the Benjamin Moore paint colors."

For his part, departing Idol judge Simon Cowell says he's sure that DeWyze will get over his jitters.

"Lee is really the type of contestant the show was invented for," said Cowell. "A normal person, really a complete schlub with no discernable personality, a nobody with the worst job in the world and really a generic, marginal voice ... Hmm. Actually, come to think of it he probably shouldn't have made it past the first round."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Sex and the City 2 is coming -- run!

I have no intention of seeing Sex and the City 2 -- my wife is sparing me and plans to see it with friends instead -- and yet I anticipate its coming with an almost palpable, existential dread. Am I the only one who looks at those women and sees the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

OK, maybe I'm overreacting. I'm sure it's two hours of bubbly fun. Let's look at the synopsis from the Patriot Ledger's Ed Symkus, who sat down with the stars in the shoe department at a Bergdorf Goodman and, apparently, lived to tell about it:

Though all four characters are tackling an issue, “Sex and the City,” as fans know, centers on Carrie. Her story is always just a little bigger and glossier; her troubles run a bit deeper. She’s going through what she believes is a rough patch with Big, and when the plot sends the four women on a Middle East adventure, the Carrie-Big relationship gets even more complicated, thanks to a chance encounter with an old flame.

Well, actually that sounds like an entertaining twist on the usual OH PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!! Sorry, I'm better now. Sex and the City 2 opens everywhere (and I mean everywhere) tomorrow. Start barricading yourself in your basement now.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: National Day Of Wishing To Replace Day Of Prayer

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Although claims that the annual National Day of Prayer may violate the First Amendment didn't stop it from happening this year, the White House has proposed changes to the holiday for 2011, enacting instead a "National Day of Wishing."

"For what is prayer if not a form of wishing - for mercy, forgiveness, to win the lottery or that something horrible will befall our enemies," noted President Obama, speaking to reporters at the White House yesterday. "And by enemies I'm not specifically referring to [Senate Minority Leader] Mitch McConnell."

Obama noted that it would no way violate the separation of church and state to ask people of all faiths - or no faith - to engage in a nationally sponsored day of abject begging to no one in particular. "Or as we refer to it in Washington, Tuesday," said Obama. "Just a little Beltway humor there."

The announcement drew immediate criticism from the National Day of Prayer Task Force, a privately funded group with strong ties to the Evangelical Christian movement and an armed militia believed to number about 30,000.

"The National Day of Prayer provides an opportunity for all Americans to pray voluntarily according to their own faith," said task force chairwoman Shirley Dobson, wife of former Focus on the Family CEO Rev. James Dobson. "It provides an excellent opportunity for those of us who are going to be saved to pray for the doomed souls of those who oppose us, as if we would do that."

But many, such as The End Of Faith author Sam Harris, applauded the move. Appearing on HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher, Harris called it "a fine first step" toward dismantling all of America's houses of worship and bringing on a godless society based strictly on intellect. "

"Maybe we could turn all the churches into marijuana bars!" suggested Maher, and they high-fived.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: A Facebook privacy primer (they know where you live)

Dear Facebook member:

It has come to our attention that certain users have raised concerns over our privacy policy. We’d just like you to know that here at Facebook, it’s extremely important to us that your information is kept private, to be shared only among your friends, networks, fans, people who “like” the same things you do, and users of applications you don’t realize you’ve signed up for.

It’s true that it’s in our best interests, for growth and advertising purposes, to make as much of your personal information as possible freely available over the Web. But we make a promise never to share what’s on your profile unless you have expressly authorized us to do so by not un-checking an arcane series of hard-to-find boxes, some of which don’t exist.

So just to make sure you understand your privacy rights as a Facebook user, we’ve put together the following easy-to-follow guidelines:

1) Default settings. Just to make things easier, our default settings make your personal information, photos and videos accessible to everyone on the Web, including your mother, your second-grade teacher and the guy who, at this very moment, is Photoshopping the heads of strange children onto the bodies of centaurs.

However, you can easily modify these settings. For instance, you can make your information visible only to certain networks, certain friends, or “only you,” if you want to be just as much of a lonely loser as you were before you joined Facebook. Your call.

2) Photos. We understand why you might have concerns over who can see photos of you that you’ve posted, or that are posted by your friends, or by an old boyfriend or girlfriend who swore the pictures were just for their own personal viewing. Boy, did we find out about that the hard way.

But the rumors that embarrassing pictures of you hunched over a toilet or wearing a Sexy French Maid Halloween costume are automatically visible to your boss and your priest are entirely untrue. Assuming you’ve checked and/or unchecked the right boxes, they can only be seen by friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends and all the other people who play Farmville.

3) Personal information. We want to state unequivocally that we do not sell your personal information to third parties. In fact, we give it to third parties in exchange for drugs. Ha ha! Just a little Facebook humor there. (Just the part about the drugs — the part about giving your information away is true.)

4) Instant Personalization Pilot Program. This is the program that allows other websites, like Yelp and Pandora, to access your profile information. However, you can opt out of this program, and at this very moment we have a team of engineers trying to determine how one might go about doing that.

“But Facebook, why would you ever presume that we’d want you to share our information with other websites without our permission?” you might ask. To which we’d respond: “Shut up and play some more Farmville.”

5) If you’re embarrassed about people seeing your “Like” list, maybe you should stop liking things like Barry Manilow and “Jersey Shore.” You know who you are. And so do we.

Finally, we want to remind you that, if you’re that concerned about people seeing the information you somehow thought would remain private just because that’s what we told you when you signed up, you always have the option of deleting your account.

Good luck figuring out how to do it.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. (You can try to friend him on Facebook, but he’ll probably ignore you.)

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Craigslist Reports Craigslist Killings Down Almost 5%

SAN FRANSICO (CAP) - The online listings service Craigslist reports that the murder of people that either place or answer ads on the site was down 4.76 percent in the first quarter of the year.

"Craigslist prides itself on ease of use, effective service and its users not getting killed," noted site founder Craig Newmark in a press release this week. "This is one of those cases where two out of three actually is pretty bad."

The company is touting the decline in Craigslist killings as a sign that its efforts to discourage wanton murder among its users are working. Among the steps the site has taken to curb Craigslist killers are prominent posts noting that listings must be truthful and used for the purpose intended, and that using them to lure or determine likely victims is a violation of the site's terms of use and can result in users being banned or moderated.

"We want people to feel somewhat comfortable that when you place an ad listing, say, a diamond ring for sale, there's a reasonably good chance four guys won't come to your house and kill you for it," wrote Newmark. "That's our pledge to you."

The company is also cracking down on other crimes facilitated by Craigslist, such as prostitution.

"When you place a listing offering 'a good time' in quotes and include a naked picture of yourself and hourly rates, we are counting on you not to be offering prostitution services," reads another warning on the site. "Please don't let us down."

"We are dedicated to reducing to acceptable levels the number of Craigslist-related crimes, be they prostitution, robbery, fraud, extortion or pederasty," wrote Newmark in the release. "But we're concentrating primarily on reducing murders because, let's face it, that's bad for business."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Something’s off when TV’s not on

In case you somehow missed it, the nation recently celebrated “TV Turnoff Week.” This is the week when families all across America turn off their TVs and sit around their kitchen tables staring at each other like frightened bullfrogs.

That’s because as we all know, TV is the glue that holds families — nay, societies — together. For instance, without TV, nobody would have any idea who Barney Fife is. What kind of world would that be?

Despite that, though, my wife Theresa and I decided to try TV Turnoff Week this year after we read a few disturbing facts that left us concerned about TV’s effect on our kids. Things such as:

· 45 percent of parents say they use the TV to occupy their children. I’ve done this, but usually by giving them a screwdriver and suggesting they try to figure out how the TV generates all those magic pictures from outer space.

· Children 6 and under spend an average of 14 hours a week watching TV, but only 38.5 minutes engaged in conversation with their parents. Even less if you don’t count the time spent talking about what’s on TV.

· 97 percent of children have products based on characters from TV shows. This would explain why, if we had to send our kids to one of those Montessori schools that bans character logos, we’d have to cover their clothes almost entirely with masking tape, and then pray that their underwear never makes an appearance.

· 59 percent of Americans can name The Three Stooges, while only 17 percent can name three Supreme Court justices. In our defense, though, that number would skyrocket if the president appointed somebody named “Shemp.”

Unfortunately the TV turnoff began inauspiciously in our house — first of all it was raining, which should be an immediate deal-killer for TV Turnoff Week, like when NASA scraps a shuttle launch. Also, my wife was working the first night, and she’s much more ambitious than I am about planning family activities. For instance, she might organize, say, arts and crafts projects, whereas I might suggest hide and seek and then wait for my kids to realize I’m not actually “seeking.”

But I did my best, actually going out and buying a new board game, which I believe is how Amish people pass the time when they’re not building barns. Unfortunately, it seems I picked a game that was a little too easy — it occupied a total of about 20 minutes, leading me to wish I had engaged them with something more complicated, like Monopoly or the U.S. tax code.

On the second day Theresa again got them through the after-school hours without any TV, apparently without the use of tranquilizers. And after dinner we decided to try bike riding, which I admit is more productive if your kids have actually mastered pedaling; otherwise you have to spend the whole time pushing them down the hill in plastic Little Tikes cars, which tend to hit the side of the driveway and roll over like a Ford Explorer negotiating the Autobahn.

In fact, we made it through pretty much the whole week, although we did have to bring their bikes to increasingly exotic locales to keep them interested; I thought we were going to wind up driving town to town in search of a half-pipe. We also read more and listened to more music, and I admit that at one point around Thursday I considered commissioning a mime troupe.

Then on Friday night we sat the kids down to congratulate them. “Even though TV Turnoff Week is over, we proved that we didn’t need television to have fun, right, guys?” I started to say, although I only got through the “over” part before they trampled me on their way to the Disney Channel.

Still, we must have done something right, because they seem a bit more willing to turn off the TV and head outside this week. Also, a subsequent informal poll showed that my kids are, for now at least, among the 46 percent of children who say they’d rather “spend time with their fathers” than watch TV.

Presumably, provided I start putting a little more effort into the whole “seeking” thing.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. His original column runs every other week; this “Best of Chianca” column is from 2006. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

The AT LARGE Wednesday Link Roundup

My latest list of the seven most important things on the Internet at this very moment:

• Tetris, is that you? Apparently someone has filmed my recurring nightmare from 1983.

• I predict this will be the decoupage of the 2010s: Portraits made with cassette tapes.

• Oh good, I was starting to worry that Sting wouldn't get around to ruining every song he's ever written.

• Meep! Watch Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody with commentary from Kermit et al. (BONUS: Muppet cupcakes.)

• Apparently this is what happens when you repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

• CARTOON: It's time to reclaim America from illegal immigrants.

• Why doesn't my bank ever do anything cool like this?

Worst Facebook 'Like' Ever

They like me! They really like me!

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Gulf Oil Spill Boon To Giant Sponge Industry

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (CAP) - The massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico threatens an economic and ecological disaster on tourist beaches, wildlife refuges and fishing grounds in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida. But it's not all doom and gloom in the Gulf - the accident has proven a godsend to one ailing business, Giant Sponge Unlimited LLC.

"They say there's always a silver lining, and in this case I have to say that spill really saved our bacon," said the company's founder, Fred Prywatki, who so far has provided more than 1,000 giant sponges to the cleanup effort. "My mother always asked me, who's ever going to need that many giant sponges? And I never really had a good answer for her.

"Until today," said Prywatki, smiling broadly and folding his arms behind his head.

The company responsible for the spill, BP Global of Great Britain, "will pay us pretty much whatever we ask," explained Prywatki, whose company is the only manufacturer of giant sponges (many of them roughly 100 feet in diameter) in the Western Hemisphere.

He noted BP's willingness to pay handsomely for his product represents a big change from his last venture, Fred's Science Museum in Woburn, Mass., which closed after three months. "There it was tough to get people to pay a measly four bucks admission, even when we threw in Pizza Hut coupons," he explained.

BP has tried numerous methods to contain the spill, including Prywatki's sponges, a giant metal dome lowered over the spill area, and millions of rolls of Bounty paper towels dropped from helicopters.

"We had to stop that last one because they were knocking the oil-covered turtles unconscious," explained BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward, looking noticeably pale while lighting a cigarette with a shaky right hand. "That's considered bad form among environmentalists, evidently."

Taking a long drag and then rubbing his furrowed temple with his free hand, Hayward added, "It's a good thing I got a $32 million bonus last year, or this would all be very hard to stomach."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Betting on turbines and casinos in Massachusetts

For those of you out in the rest of the country who may be wondering, there’s more to Massachusetts than just taxes and liberals. We also have clams. And lately, we have two controversies that have been dominating discussion here: the debate over whether to allow wind turbines and casinos, unfortunately not together.

I’d been waiting to weigh in on these subjects until I’d done the proper research, by which I mean, until I’d seen a headline about them on the front page of the Boston Herald. I’m still waiting, unless wind turbines or casinos happened to be the subject of the recent cover story entitled “Button-down Mayor Says ... Screwgle Google,” the latest proof that ink fumes have permeated the building.

As far as the turbines go, though, I can’t help but wonder why people hate them so much. I find them to be kind of soothing — it’s like looking at a giant pinwheel. A giant, monstrously expensive, bird-annihilating pinwheel.

Now, we all know that the late Sen. Ted Kennedy didn’t want them marring the view from his Hyannisport compound, but let’s face it: It’s not Ted Kennedy’s view, it’s the people’s view. This would explain why Scott Brown has mounted a wind turbine to the back of his pickup, right next to the Truck Nutz.

And personally, I’d love to look out on a series of wind turbines from my compound, because that would mean ... I’d have a compound. Right now all I see when I look out my window is the guy across the street looking back at me, and frankly, it’s starting to creep me out.

Now, some say the energy we get from these babies will actually be too costly to justify the expense of building them, so I’m hoping they figure that out before they start construction, even if that would violate the state’s massive infrastructure projects credo (“Build first, ask questions later”). Also, they should make sure they don’t hire the people who did the Big Dig, unless they want the turbines to take 16 years and then fall over.

But the one argument I’ve heard that actually makes some sense (no, not the part about the birds —they need to start looking up, for crying out loud) is the following: Members of the Aquinnah Wampanoag Tribe have said the turbines would desecrate tribal burial sites. By which they presumably mean “potential sites for future Indian casinos,” whose swimming pools will be filled with re-animated corpses and Craig T. Nelson.

Which brings us to the casinos, which I’m still not sure how I feel about. On the one hand, they could prove disastrous for compulsive gamblers and their families. On the other hand, maybe Tom Jones would come! So I’m torn.

One thing I’m definitely in favor of, though, is the idea of warning labels on the slot machines. I pictured something informative but catchy, like: “NOTICE: For best results, place your life savings, your clothing and your portable oxygen tank into the slot below. An attendant will be along shortly to carry your wrinkled naked body back to the bus.”

So you can imagine my disappointment when I heard that the Massachusetts House of Representatives had rejected that particular amendment. Seems there was an issue with the proposal: According to the State House News Service, the warnings “would require the listing of so many odds that the sign would be up to three times larger than the machine itself.” Which means the warnings about the buffet would probably have to blanket the entire building like a giant field tarp.

Regardless, both casinos and wind turbines sound on paper like fine ideas; the first one will bring in tons of tax revenue, and the second will help the environment, not necessarily in that order. You might quibble over the details, but at the end of the day, what could possibly go wrong?

With the possible exception of Massachusetts taxpayers getting screwgled.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Portions of this column appeared previously on The Wicked Local Blog. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.