AT LARGE Fake News Friday: iPad Users Pretty Much OK With Them Catching Fire

CUPERTINO, Calif. (CAP) - Reports of the new version of the iPad heating to exorbitant temperatures have not fazed Apple's customers, who say that to have the company's latest technology they're more than willing to put up with slight inconveniences, such as catching on fire.

"It's really not a big deal," said Vallco Mall shopper Pete Hearst, 29, while tossing his iPad back and forth from hand to hand to avoid burning his fingers. "Just don't hold it for too long, or touch it, and it's not really a problem.

"I mean, look at that screen!" he added. "The picture's not even blurry even though I'm tossing it in the air. I mean, wow."

In Cambridge, Mass., longtime Apple products user Jason Knowlton, 22, agreed, noting that the screen resolution was "just awesome - did you know it has more colors than the human eye can see?" Particularly Knowlton's eyes, which were burned when flames shot out of his device 10 minutes after he first started using it.

"But it was the best 10 minutes of my life," he said, noting that the blindness is only temporary, and actually less painful than the time he accidentally inhaled an iPod shuffle.

According to Apple spokesperson Shelley Chambers, the new iPad is actually operating within technical specifications, "give or take a few dozen degrees."

"Early adopters understand that each iteration of a new technology is going to have its own unique facets," and that some of those facets could involve excess heat or the occasional explosion, she said.

"The early astronauts knew about those risks, and so do Apple customers," said Chambers. "It's sort of like the same thing."

Users of the Microsoft Zune have faced similar issues with their devices, seeing early models shut down on New Year's Eve and cause acute dermatitis. Asked whether more recent models have resolved those issues, Microsoft spokesman Paul Schlemp responded, "You mean we still make those?"

Schlemp declined to comment on whether the current iPad problems could be related to the exploding European iPhones and iPads that Microsoft was accused of sabotaging in 2009. "I could tell you, but then I'd have to time out your operation while waiting for a response from the receiving (POP) server," he said.

"Just a little Microsoft humor there," he added, then laughed like a donkey.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: Help! I think I may be middle-aged!

Thank you for your interest in our program, “Help! I Think I May be Middle-Aged!” Please be assured that many people have similar concerns to yourself; however, just because you’re beginning to feel middle-aged doesn’t mean you actually are. It could be allergies.

With that in mind, please take a few minutes to complete this simple test, which will determine whether or not middle age is really taking its toll.

1) You’ve cut yourself while shaving:
a) The top of your head (5 points)
b) Your ears (10 points)
c) Your back (15 points)
d) Other non-facial area (please don’t share which — 20 points)

2) True or False: Some idiot from the oldies station keeps playing recent songs, like “Heart and Soul” by Huey Lewis and the News. (“True” — 10 points)

3) Your children respond to your jokes with:
a) Gurgling (0 points)
b) Polite laughter (5 points)
c) Eye movements that make you fear their eyes will retract into the backs of their heads, never to be seen again (10 points)
d) The icy glare of death (15 points)

4) True or false: You tend to think of your parents as younger than you actually are right now. (“True” — 10 points)

5) Finish this sentence: “My idea of a wild night is ____.”
a) Attending a concert (1 point)
b) Watching a concert on TV (5 points)
c) Watching the late news on TV (10 points)
d) Sitting down to watch the late news and waking up on the couch in the middle of the night, drooling on myself (15 points)

6) Essay: List all the medications and vitamins you are currently taking on a regular basis. (5 points per medication, 3 per vitamin, extra 10 points if any of them are blue)

7) Fill in the blank: “What are you complaining about? When I was a kid, we only had ____ channels!”
a) 100 (0 points)
b) 50 (5 points)
c) 13 (10 points)
d) 3 (15 points)
e) What’s a channel? (25 points)

8) How would you classify your relationship with your spouse?
a) Steamy (0 points)
b) Romantic (5 points)
c) Comfortable (10 points)
d) Don’t bother us, we’re on the couch drooling (15 points)

9) Which “Batman” villain do you most resemble?
a) The Joker (1 point)
b) King Tut (5 points)
c) Egghead (10 points)
d) The Penguin (15 points)

10) How may pairs of glasses do you own? Give yourself 5 points for each pair.

11) Which of the following statements best describes your reaction upon entering your most recent high school reunion?
a) “You haven’t changed a bit!” (1 point)
b) “You haven’t changed a bit, other than looking vaguely plastic and frozen!” (5 points)
c) “Who are all these old people?” (10 points)
d) “Why does the DJ keep playing recent songs, like ‘Heart and Soul’ by Huey Lewis and the News?” (15 points)

12) Quick! Who do you think of when someone mentions the first lady of the United States?
a) Michele Obama! (0 points)
b) Laura Bush! (5 points)
c) Hillary Clinton! (10 points)
d) Lady Bird Johnson! (100 points)

Your score:

60 or under: You have nothing to worry about. Get back to your trendy raving club, you hipster.

61-100: You have some time left, but middle age is bearing down on you like a paunchy, graying freight train.

101-150: We’re sorry to inform you that you are squarely in the throes of middle age. Please step away from those jeggings. We’re talking to you, sir.

151 or higher: Middle age must be sounding pretty good right now. If you can still remember it.

Music, we've got music!

I'm not all about fake news and what my dogs did last night, you know. I also listen to records. Er, electronic music files. To prove it, here's some of my recent music writing. Read these and you too can pretend to be hip.

• Bruce Springsteen, 'Wrecking Ball'
• Lee Rocker, ‘Night Train to Memphis’
• Leland Sundries, ‘The Foundry EP’
• Recent and recommended: Tennis, Craig Finn, Leonard Cohen, Josh Ritter
  

AT LARGE Fake News Monday: Teens Gird For 'Hunger Games' Movie By Eating Each Other

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - It wouldn't be the most anticipated film series since Twilight if mayhem didn't ensue at the Los Angeles mall tour stop for The Hunger Games, which was held at the Westfield Century City Mall on Saturday. That it would result in bloodshed and possibly cannibalism took some people by surprise, though.

"It was horrible - horrible!" said a visibly shaken Lt. Carl Bender of the Los Angeles Police Department, whose officers tried to reign in the group of more than 1,000 12- to 16-year-olds, mostly girls, who rioted when they couldn't get close enough to stars Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth.

"Especially Josh Hutcherson," noted Lt. Bender, referring to the actor who plays Peeta Mellark in the upcoming Hunger Games movie, and whom Bender described as "admittedly dreamy."

"I'm just saying," Bender added, grimacing as an EMT bandaged the area where a 12-year-old San Bernadino girl had bitten him on the calf.

Apparently the crowd became unruly when security guards attempted to get them to back away from the stage, and a group of youngsters near the front upended the guards' Segway scooters. Before long the stars had been shuffled to an undisclosed location and the crowd overran the mall, violently letting loose on each other and mall personnel in an attempt to get to Lawrence, Hutcherson and Hemsworth.

"Especially Hutcherson," Bender reiterated.

According to witnesses, the violence started when hundreds of girls overran a giant cornucopia display filled with rolled-up Josh Hutcherson posters and started whacking each other mercilessly with them. The ones who didn't get their hands on posters wound up fashioning flaming arrows out of hangers they pulled from displays in the mall's Hollister store.

"At first it was just chaos, but eventually the crowd settled down into separate camps that started plotting out strategies to out-survive the others at all costs," said Pretzel Time cashier Sarah Farliski, who witnessed the melee. "It was almost as if they had to start making choices that weighed survival against humanity and life against love.

"I'm just saying," she added.

Police reported several possible fatalities among the crowd, primarily via arrow injuries, land mines, poisoned berries and genetically mutated wasps, in addition to the people beaten to death by Josh Hutcherson posters. Reports of cannibalism were yet to be confirmed, although "there's no denying these kids were pretty hungry," said Farliski, who also reported selling a record number of pretzels.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: What's your pet thinking? You don't wanna know

If you spend enough time around animals, it’s hard not to wonder what they’re feeling at any given moment. Are they vaguely like us, given to their own feelings of elation, frustration and ennui? Or are they primarily motivated by hunger and a need to scratch themselves, which would make them exactly like us?

Well, it looks like we may not have to wonder much longer. ABCnews.com is reporting that brain researchers are closer than ever to determining what animals feel, via a process that involves … wait, let me check my notes … ah yes, tickling rats. And if you just got an image in your head of MIT doctoral candidates tickling rats and saying “Who’s a good rat? Who’s a good rat? You are!,” my work here is done.

So this study teaches us a few interesting things — one, that rats enjoy a good laugh just like the rest of us. And also, it turns out that when they’re scurrying underfoot they may not be looking to eat your food or chew your face off, but instead might just want a good tickle. You should really consider coming down off your kitchen chair and giving them a nice belly poke, just to see what happens.

But more importantly, studying the rats’ reactions helps show us what it’s like to feel, well, like an animal. For those of us who live with more than a few of those, it’s only a small leap from there to imagining a pet therapy session where we can finally understand our furry friends’ innermost thoughts. In my house, for instance:

Penny (yellow Lab): I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t shake this feeling that the dog in window is taunting me.

Autumn (multi-colored cat): That’s you, you idiot! Haven’t you noticed you’re both always barking at the same time?

Lilly (black Lab): I wonder if all these other dogs went away, would the people here let me eat their food?

Corona (golden retriever): I’m feeling remarkably well adjusted, but I’d feel even better if I crawled onto the head of that guy on the couch.

Bruce (black kitten): Those people keep watching and pointing as I play with these empty supermarket bags. … What’s their gimmick, anyway?

Sally (other golden retriever): I’m starting to feel anxious that there might be a squirrel somewhere. I better start barking incessantly just in case.

Squirrel (squirrel): Nuts, nuts, nuts — is this all there is?

Penny: I wonder if I went away, would the people here let the dog in the window eat my food?

Guy on the couch: Why are all these animals staring at me? And why is there a golden retriever on my head?

But the findings go way beyond pets. According to the ABC post, “the happily chirping lab rats might eventually lead the way to new notions of how consciousness itself … might be similar, if not exactly the same, in many species.”

In other words, animals might see the world exactly as you do, which ostensibly could complicate matters next time you go to eat one. I know I’ve always been able to justify it by convincing myself that they don’t really mind — “Oh good, my wings and thighs are being useful!” — whereas if they actually experience being eaten the same way we would, they might have some reservations about it.

As for the pets, it makes me wonder if we should be reconsidering certain things we put them through, such as making them sleep in crates, and walk on leashes, and evacuate into litter boxes. Well, that last one would be convenient for anybody, but the other things.

But as fascinating as the research is, it’s probably not wise to spend a lot of time laboring over what the findings mean for our overarching relationship with the animal kingdom. In the end, after all, we’re the ones with the bigger brains, so we get to make the rules. Besides, we have other, more important, concerns to worry about.

For instance, I can’t shake this feeling that the guy in window is taunting me.

AT LARGE Fake News Friday: 'Actuary of Valor' To Feature Actual Accountants

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - The directors of the upcoming Sony Pictures release Actuary Of Valor originally planned to use actors to play a team of crack Certified Public Accountants, but when they started doing research for the film, they quickly changed their minds.

"As we set out on the research project, we met the guys and were just blown away," says director Frank McHue. "These were some of the most amazing men we'd ever met. They were so different from the Hollywood, popular-culture stereotype. They're not Leo Blooms. Well, they're sort of Leo Blooms, but not as funny."McHue said it's about time real accountants got their due.

"Our lead in the movie, Chief Morty" - the accountants in the film are not fully identified to protect their privacy come tax season - "he's such a humble guy," said McHue. "We were like, Wow, we need to let the American public know these guys are special. To properly tell their story, we couldn't do it with actors. We just felt like it had to be from the men who've actually experienced it."

The plot, in which the accountants help people and businesses find write-offs they wouldn't have otherwise known existed, is based on actual, real-life experiences of the accountants in the movie.

"The hardest sequence to nail was the explanation of Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP)," says McHue. "It was a three-week sequence that we needed to shoot completely in six days because of the availability of the guys. You're talking about tax time here. They're swamped!"

Morty said overall, he enjoyed the filming, even if it took a while to bring the directors up to speed. "In the beginning it was a WIP - at first these guys didn't know the difference between an ITR and an IWO," he said, laughing so hard he almost lost a pen out of his pocket protector. "But we set them straight on that pretty darn quick."

Fellow accountant "Fred," also in the film, said he was happy to be able to contribute to the plotline by sharing his actual experiences. "Like that New Year's Eve that time, when all our Zunes crashed," he recalled.

"That was high drama," he added, making a snorting noise.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Donald Trump Helps Plan Mitt Romney's Day Off

CHICAGO (CAP) - In an unusual move, it appears that former presidential contender and current Mitt Romney backer Donald Trump has pulled Romney from the campaign trail so the embattled candidate can relax for a day.

"If anyone needs a day off, it's Romney," said Trump. "He has a lot of things to sort out ... can't be wound up this tight and become president, his VP will kill him."

Trump endorsed Romney several weeks ago, and said today he was spending the day escorting Romney - who spent his last day off under a desk - through the streets of Chicago.

The pair was expected to attend a game at Wrigley Field and visit the Sears Tower, the Art Institute of Chicago and the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and take part in the Von Steuben Day Parade. Trump says the day off will be key to turning around Romney's flagging campaign, which he says is vital if he's going to secure the GOP nomination.

"If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like s--," Trump said. "She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

Told that Romney actually did marry the first girl he'd slept with some 42 years ago, Trump said, "See?"

Romney, who is facing an uphill battle against a surging Rick Santorum in Michigan, reportedly resisted the suggestion at first, prompting Trump to respond, "If you're not over here in 15 minutes, you can find a new best friend."

Sources close to the Romney campaign said that Romney spent a full half-hour getting in and out of his car before going to meet Trump, muttering to himself, "He'll keep calling me. He'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is ridiculous, OK, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go."

Fellow GOP candidate Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, reportedly caught wind of the outing while preparing for his moon launch, and has spent the day trying to prove that Romney was not "home sick," contrary to what the former Massachusetts governor told his campaign workers before not showing up for the day.

"I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind," said Gingrich, right before falling in the mud and being attacked by a dog.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: Something's wrong with my radio

One interesting aspect (and there are many) of having a daughter rapidly approaching her teenage years is that I get a firsthand glimpse into what music “the kids are listening to.” That way when I saw a possessed Nicki Minaj grinding against fake monks and priests on the Grammys I was only mildly traumatized, as opposed to some other people over 35, who are still curled up in the corner of their divans, muttering to themselves.

We spend a lot of time in the car listening to top 40 radio, although I’m not sure what makes a song “top 40” these days. (Number of downloads? Most views on YouTube? Ryan Seacrest breathing on them? It could be anything.) I should mention that I had planned to be one of those parents who were hip to their kids’ music, until I heard it and my eardrums shriveled up like snails in beer.

For one thing, none of today’s music seems to have any guitars in it, or if it does you can’t hear it over all the drumbeats and synthesizers and the rapper who comes in after the second verse. It’s perplexing — without guitars, how do aspiring musicians expect to impress girls? By talking into the Auto-Tune app on their iPhones? For crying out loud, I could do that.

But when I thought closely about my critiques, I realized a few things:

1) I’m this close to turning into Grandpa Simpson, muttering on about my pills and how I used to wear an onion on my belt.

2) Our music was pretty bad, too.

Not all of it, mind you — not Bruce Springsteen or Dire Straits or anything from the “Back to the Future” soundtrack — but some of it was just as inane as anything you hear on the radio today, and yes, I’m talking to you, Captain and (to a slightly lesser extent) Tennille.

Of course, I was fortunate to have grown up in an era when radio stations played more than one style at a time, which would explain why when I think about my childhood it has “American Pie,” “Rubber Band Man,” “I Will Survive” and “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” playing in the background. Between that and the pants my mother put me in it’s no wonder I still wake up sweating.

Jukebox heroes

But I don’t think I felt the full impact of modern music until someone thought it would be a good idea to install a jukebox in the middle school cafeteria. I can only presume this was done to raise money and not to introduce us to the collected works of Shalamar, but apparently the PTA couldn’t see far enough past all those shiny new quarters to anticipate the obvious: that it would take the sixth grade about 12 minutes to figure out which songs were the most suggestive, and then play them constantly until the end of time.

There were a few options that made it into heavy rotation — “Makin’ It,” “Le Freak” (it was French — it had to be dirty) and pretty much everything by Blondie, who was clearly a wanton woman, even though as it turns out she wasn’t a she but actually a band. But as the eventual non-stop, play-on-repeat favorite, the sixth grade finally settled on “Good Girls Don’t” by The Knack, which included the popular refrain: “Good girls don’t … but I do.”

Don’t what? Do what? We had no idea, other than that it had to be something inappropriate for consumption in a middle school cafeteria. More quarters!

The jukebox didn’t even come close to lasting the whole year, although we never found out who was behind its removal. (I always suspected the math teacher, Mr. Rose, who was apoplectic over the fact that we couldn’t seem to understand “We don’t need no education” was supposed to be ironic.) But not before I got to hear all sorts of music, some of it good (Queen, Pretenders, Tom Petty), some of it bad (Leif Garrett, Anne Murray, whoever sang “Biggest Part of Me”), but all of it mine. Well, ours, if you include all the other sixth-graders who had no idea what Kool and the Gang meant by “Ooh La La.”

Musical mish-mosh

And so now, my daughter has music that’s hers. Some of it, like Adele and Lady Gaga, I can appreciate. Some of it, like Rihanna and Lil’ Wayne, sets off my built-in parenting alarms and sends my hand screaming toward the station dial. And some of it, like any song sung by a child whose day job is acting on the Disney Channel, strikes me as what I imagine a carbon monoxide alarm must sound like to a Sheltie.

But as mine did, my daughter’s tastes will mature over time (I’m hoping in a direction that has guitars in it), and for better or for worse, these songs by LMFAO and Drake and Katy Perry will someday make up the soundtrack of her adolescence. And like me with my mish-mosh of teen music memories, she’ll look back on them fondly, no matter how bad they may be.

No offense, Captain.

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: McCartney Album Feared To Promote Bottom-Kissing

LONDON (CAP) - In the wake of criticism from country star Brad Paisley, detractors are now coming out of the woodwork to express concern about former Beatle Paul McCartney's new album, Kisses On The Bottom.

"It's only February, but Sir Paul is an absolute lock for worst album title of the year," wrote Paisley on Twitter, who took pains to point out that, like most country artists, he is typically both pro-kisses and pro-bottoms. "Just not together," he tweeted.

Sources close to McCartney said they tried to steer him away from the controversial album title, but it was apparently the least offensive of several options McCartney was considering, including Pecks On The Rump, Busses On The Buttocks and More Silly Love Songs.

That fact seems to be small consolation to McCartney's critics, including the watchdog group One Million Moms, who recently chastised Ellen DeGeneres for turning its members gay.

"Funny that Paul McCartney thinks that giving his album a lewd and inappropriate title will spur sales when most of his listeners come from traditional families, whatever that means," said One Million Moms president Karen Grabower. "In our organization, many of our members who enjoy music barely even have bottoms, and certainly don't kiss them if we do."

And Tipper Gore, former wife to onetime Vice President Al Gore, has even revived her Parents Music Resource Center in an attempt to stem the tide of bottom-kissing she's sure McCartney's album will cause.

"We're not looking to stifle Mr. McCartney's creative freedom - we just want to protect the young people," she said. In response, the world's young people texted "WTF is a Paul McCartney?"

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Monday: Ellen Accused Of Turning One Million Moms Gay

TUPELO (CAP) - The parents watchdog group One Million Moms said that new JC Penney spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres is responsible for turning large numbers of its members into lesbians against their will.

"It's bad enough that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business," said One Million Moms in a statement released yesterday. "But now her direct influence is causing otherwise traditional and conservative mothers to partake in immoral homosexual acts. It's reprehensible."

Asked to elaborate by CAP News, the group's president Karen Grabower explained that she walked into the kitchen while cleaning up after a One Million Moms meeting at the Whitehaven Community Center in Horn Lake, Miss., and found two members engaged in what she would only describe as "highly inappropriate lip-to-lip contact."

Apparently when Grabower confronted the women, there was a long silence, and then one of them blurted out, "It was Ellen!"

"Yes, Ellen made us do it!" said the other woman. "And then they both dropped to their knees and started praying," recalled Grabower. "It makes sense, because they were both big JC Penney shoppers, as you could tell by their St. John's Bay argyle sweaters."

According to Grabower, the only possible explanation for the behavior is that Ellen had "infected what was once a wholesome, traditional department store and its shoppers with her immoral ways." Grabower said she found out some of the women engaged in the activities even met for the first time in JC Penney dressing rooms.

Interestingly, the controversy has actually caused a rift among several prominent mothers groups. Mothers Against Everything (MAE) - which, ironically, has close to a million members, in contrast to One Million Moms' membership of approximately 200 women - came out to support Ellen.

"She's so funny and perky and she's such a good dancer, and she has such nice taste in slacks," said MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski. "I just think the One Million Moms should make some better choices about their protests. There are so many things that are much more harmful to children, such as letting them wrestle lions to the death."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: Newspaper flicks worth stopping the presses for

You may have heard the old joke about the guy who cleaned up after the elephants in the circus and complained to his friend about the long hours, the low pay and the dirty work. When his friend asked him why he didn’t just quit, the guy responded, “What, and leave show business?”

Substitute “newspapers” for “show business” and you’ve basically got the life of a print journalist. You’ll notice I didn’t have you substitute anything for “clean up after the elephants.”

But that’s not the only connection between newspaper work and show biz. Reporters and editors have been characters in movies for as long as there have been movies, and for a good reason: because most screenwriters are disgruntled former reporters. Still, the fact that we’re in a profession that could actually be the subject of an entire feature film (like detectives! and spies! and Batman!) may, on some days, be the only thing keeping us here. (Not me. Other people.)

Personally, I can’t overstate how happy I was to find my favorite old newspaper movie, Richard Brooks’ “Deadline USA” (1952), pop up on cable recently. This is the film where the editor is played by Humphrey Bogart — Humphrey Bogart! — in a natty fedora, bow tie and overcoat. He stands up to mobsters, decries the rise of tabloid journalism and is forced to watch as his paper is shut down due to shrinking revenues. So it’s at least one-third realistic.

The flip side of the Bogart coin when it comes to cinematic editors is of course Cary Grant in Howard Hawks’ “His Girl Friday” (1940) — for Grant’s Walter Burns, journalistic ethics aren’t important so much as getting the story, selling papers, engaging in rapid-fire, whip-smart repartee with Rosalind Russell as reporter Hildy Johnson and being, well, Cary Grant. It’s worth noting that “Friday” was an update of that other newspaper classic “The Front Page,” a play that was made into several films featuring a male Hildy Johnson, none of whom could rock a pencil skirt and high heels like Russell. (Well, except maybe for Jack Lemmon.)

Even Jimmy Stewart (arguably the third member of the classic leading-man triumvirate with Bogart and Grant) donned the reporter’s cap in Henry Hathaway’s “Call Northside 777” (1948). Unfortunately it’s a little too sincere for its own good — it’s hard not to prefer Stewart’s slightly less straight-and-narrow reporter (for “Spy magazine,” yet) in George Cukor’s “The Philadelphia Story” (1940), which introduced the journalistic truism that socialites love reporters. It’s true, they do.

Sometime between the black-and-white era and modern day, though, newspaper journalists in the movies lost some of their leading-man sheen — the exception of course being Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman in Alan J. Pakula’s “All The President’s Men” (1974). This was mainly because they were playing real-life journalistic heroes Woodward and Bernstein, and they were Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman.

Not that newsmen weren’t still cool — was there ever a reporter who wouldn’t want to be Chevy Chase’s Irwin M. Fletcher from Michael Ritchie’s “Fletch” (1985)? He gets to hang out at the beach, pretend to be other people, like Ted Nugent and John Cocktosten, order a steak sandwich (and a steak sandwich) and put it on the Underhills’ bill, and, most importantly, doesn’t take notes.

Most people who actually work in newspapers point to Ron Howard’s “The Paper” (1994) as the best modern newspaper flick, and it’s hard to argue — I’m pretty sure the Randy Quaid character has been about two desks away from me for the last 20 years. But two of my favorite portrayals of newspaper reporters are slightly less grounded in reality, and yet somehow make complete sense.

The first is the team of Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo (talk about classic triumvirates) in Jim Henson’s “The Great Muppet Caper” (1981) — Kermit and Fozzie play twin brothers who happen to be “crack investigative reporters for The Daily Chronicle” and Gonzo is their intrepid photographer, who takes a picture of a chicken instead of a jewel heist in progress. That sound you just heard is thousands of journalists nodding their heads in recognition.

But my new favorite movie newspaper man (boy?) has got to be Tintin from Steven Spielberg’s “The Adventures of Tintin” (2011). Have you seen it? He travels the world, never seems to have a deadline or an editor or even see the inside of a newsroom, and doesn’t hesitate to, in a pinch, shoot at people.

Sure beats cleaning up after the elephants.

Column: To the moon, Newton!

Dear Resident:

Hello and welcome to the Newton Leroy Gingrich Moon Base, the United States of America’s first fully functional moon colony and condominium complex!

As you know, this facility has been years in the making, started during President Gingrich’s first term in office as U.S. president and completed just last year, fortunately prior to the Great Government Financial Meltdown of 2020. The president himself actually moved here even before finishing his final term, after thousands of angry but misguided homeless people chased him and his most recent First Lady, Lindsay Lohan Gingrich, from the White House.

We’re sure you will find living at Gingrich Moon Base to be enjoyable and relaxing, without hordes of former homeowners clogging the streets like in your neighborhood back home. But there are just a few simple rules all residents must follow to make life here safe and enjoyable for all.

1) Your security fee must be paid promptly upon your arrival. This helps to fund our police and security personnel, who are fully trained to protect us from itinerant space aliens and former homeowners who get here by hiding on the shuttle, and Mormons.

2) The building superintendent must supervise all moves to ensure that you don’t accidentally damage the airtight dome, causing the population of the colony to be sucked out into space. Doing so will result in a $500 fine.

3) Do not admit anybody into the dome except visitors who are expected and can be identified on the intercom. If a visitor says he is delivering flowers or has come to fix the sink, but sounds like his mouth is covered by an imposing black helmet and loud breathing apparatus, or like he just emerged from someone’s chest cavity, or that he lost his home on Earth, do not admit him or her without checking with the superintendent.

4) Aside from the twice-annual bus trip to the lunar poles, sunbathing is prohibited, except for Mrs. Gingrich when she’s working on her tan in a Barbarella-style silver catsuit. Mrowr!

5) Specific spaces are assigned for residents to store their jet packs. If you have a visitor, please make sure he or she does not park his or her jet pack in an area reserved for your neighbor. Also, please make sure the visitor didn’t just emerge from someone’s chest cavity. (See No. 3.)

6) When Rollerblading, golfing or bouncing along on the moon’s surface, stepping on Neil Armstrong’s footprints is strictly prohibited, even if it’s just to see if you have the same size foot as he does.

7) Do not ring both elevators at the same time. It’s annoying.

8) Waste disposal: Please remember that the lavatories and garbage disposals all flush upwards here. Fortunately it’s usually slow enough to get out of the way in time, but still, be vigilant, and always close the lid.

9) Dogs and cats are permitted, although they must be leashed at all times. Management is not responsible for pets or children that float away.

10) Some believe that dozens of monkeys were sent secretly to the moon by the USSR in the late 1960s, and that they have taken refuge in underground moon caves, where their numbers have grown as they plot their revenge on the humans who sent them here. This is simply an “urban legend.” However, if you see monkeys coming, run.

11) If someone is believed to be in violation of any of the provisions of the declarations and bylaws or the rules and regulations, those complaints can be brought directly to Mr. Gingrich, whose idea this was in the first place. But please keep in mind that even though life on the moon can sometimes be challenging, with the reduced gravity, the lack of plant or animal life and the great, choking storms of moon dust, it could be worse.

You could still be one of those poor suckers back on Earth.

AT LARGE Fake News Monday: GOP Offers To Make Gingrich President Of Moon

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In an apparent effort to mend the rift within their own party, Republican leaders have suggested that if he drops out of the presidential primary race, the GOP will gladly support Newt Gingrich as the first president of the moon should the candidate's plan for a moon colony come to pass.

"We're sure that Gov. Romney would be happy to take up the Speaker's idea of establishing a moon colony as a U.S. state, or whatever it was he proposed, as long as he drops out of the race," suggested current Speaker of the House John Boehner. "And then, once it's established, we can send Newt up to be president of that."

"Hopefully sooner rather than later," he added, effusively.

More and more, the GOP establishment has been rallying around Romney out of fear that Gingrich may end up winning the nomination and prove unelectable against Barack Obama come November.

Even conservative firebrand Ann Coulter, a Romney supporter, has turned on Gingrich. On Fox And Friends this week she called him the "least conservative" of the GOP candidates and noted that he didn't even support her 2006 campaign against puppies and orphans.

"What kind of conservative doesn't support something like that?" she asked, suggesting that Gingrich may have even at one point secretly been an orphan, or a puppy. "Either way I'd like to crush his big gourd of a head underneath my boot heel," she added as Steve Doocy backed away, slowly.

For his part, Romney said he could definitely get behind Rep. Boehner's suggestion of taking up Gingrich's moon plan should Gingrich leave the race.

"There's nothing I'd like better than to see Speaker Gingrich on the moon," said Romney, drawing prompt agreement from the likes of Sen. Tom Coburn, former Sen. Bob Dole, CNN's John King, Gingrich's first wife and Gingrich's second wife.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: Bob Dylan tribute both far- and way-out

Listening to “Chimes of Freedom,” the new 76-song Bob Dylan tribute to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Amnesty International (motto: “Keeping You Out of Jail Since 1962”), is almost a stream-of-consciousness experience. There are so many styles — rock, punk, folk, country, reggae, cabaret and even classical are all represented — you sometimes feel like you’ve accidentally stumbled into the most way-out coffeehouse in some alternate-universe Greenwich Village, sitting on a beanbag chair between Sinead O’Connor and the Kronos Quartet.

Two overarching impressions become clear fairly quickly: One, it really is impossible to ruin a Bob Dylan song (although he’s mangled a few himself over the years), and two, none of these manages the tricky task of surpassing the original. Beyond that, it’s probably best to just pull up a beanbag and let the impressions flow:

Johnny Cash’s newly recorded duet of “One Too Many Mornings” with the Avett Brothers shows that he’s the best-sounding dead guy still releasing records. (Sorry, Elvis.)

How does Tom Morello get his guitar to make those noises? I think it may actually be a space alien he has trained as a pet.

I want to have Diana Krall and Elvis Costello over to dinner. I get the sense she’d hang politely on my every word, and he’d complain about the fish.

Yes, it’s impossible to ruin a Bob Dylan song. But Ke$ha comes close with “Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright” … I think she may have had stomach cramps. Or something else I don’t want to know about.

Seventy-six songs and no “Positively 4th Street”? They’ve got a lotta nerve.

All this time I wondered what “Love Sick” was missing, and now that I’ve heard Mariachi El Bronx’s version, finally I know: Maracas!

Mark Knopfler has sounded like he’s been waking up from a nap since 1995. That’s better than Sting, who’s apparently still asleep, and Jackson Browne, who’s in a medically induced coma. And judging from “Corinna, Corrina,” I fear Pete Townshend may have already shuffled off this mortal coil. RIP, Pete.

Wow, this is a really nice country version of “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.” Wait, it’s Miley Cyrus? Excuse me while my head explodes.

It’s official: Everyone in the world has now covered “Make You Feel My Love.” But Adele’s may be the best. (Sorry, Billy Joel. And Garth Brooks. And Joan Osborne. And …)

A punk Dylan tribute needs to happen, judging by these versions of “Desolation Row” by My Chemical Romance, “Ballad of Hollis Brown” by Rise Against, “The Times They Are A-Changin’” by Flogging Molly and “Song to Woody” by Silverstein, all of which make me want to break something. I mean that in a good way.

Isn’t “I Shall Be Released” sort of the unofficial Amnesty theme song? So why is Maroon 5 singing it like it’s in the background of an Applebee’s commercial?

Michael Franti can’t believe he gets paid for this.

Eskimos must have hundreds of words for “boring,” because every one of them fits Kris Kristofferson’s version of “Quinn the Eskimo.”

Paul Rodgers and Nils Lofgren turn a Dylan song you’ve probably never heard, “Abandoned Love,” into an instant classic. That’s how it’s done, whippersnappers and sleepy old dudes!

Mick Hucknall and Jim James of My Morning Jacket need to have a Bob-off to see who does the best Dylan impersonation. Jimmy Fallon can be the judge. (He’s not on here, but he should be.)

Natasha Bedingfield can ring my bells anytime! Wait, that came out wrong.

Finally, even if the Dylan-cover soundtrack to “I’m Not There” is generally better, at $18 for the MP3 version of “Chimes of Freedom” you’re paying 23 cents per song — the majority of which are keepers — and supporting a good cause. Bob would want you to buy it.

And if you don’t, don’t blame me when you go to jail.

For a full track list and more information, visit amnestyusa.org. Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Study - Nickelodeon Writers High 22 Hours Per Day

NEW YORK (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center has found that writers for the cable network Nickelodeon, featuring children's programs such as Big Time Rush and iCarly, are high on various, primarily illegal substances an average of 22 hours of every day.

"It's fascinating - one might expect that they were high during work hours, looking at their output," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel, who conducted the study. "But apparently their states of inebriation stretch far beyond the end of business hours.

"It seems they need to remain impaired to withstand the ... wait, let me check my notes ... 'depressing, almost soul-crushing nature' of the work," he said. "Interestingly, almost all of them used that exact phrase."

According to the study, the substances the writers used to sustain their almost perpetual state of drug-fueled intoxication seem to vary depending on the show they work on. For instance, the writers for SpongeBob SquarePants, who generally reported the highest level of job satisfaction among the Nickelodeon writers, use marijuana almost exclusively.

Writers for iCarly, on the other hand, use "tremendous" amounts of cocaine to get through their workdays, while writers for the new Fred Show, featuring frenetic YouTube sensation Fred Figglehorn, spend most of the day huffing Dust-Off, a computer cleaning spray.

"It hasn't been officially reported, but for at least three Fred writers, the habit has apparently proved fatal," said Spitznagel. "General consensus among the surviving writers was that the victims were better off."

The constant drug use has had its negative effects on the various productions, particularly when it's spread to the performers, the study found. For instance, police were called to the set of iCarly when Jennette McCurdy, who plays Sam on the show, tore off a stagehand's arm and beat him with it in a cocaine-fueled rage.

"Then there are all those times she did that completely sober," said her co-star Jerry Trainor, who admitted to being "deathly afraid" of her.

The constant drug use at Nickelodeon stands in stark contrast to practices at rival network the Disney Channel, where the writing staffs are reportedly motivated by routine beatings.

"And starvation," added one Wizards Of Waverly Place writer who declined to be named.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: John Edwards Suffering From Serious Karma Condition

GREENSBORO, N.C. (CAP) - A federal judge disclosed Friday that former presidential candidate John Edwards has a life-threatening karma condition, a court source confirmed to CAP News.

Edwards' criminal corruption trial has been delayed until at least March 26, according to the court source. Judge Catherine Eagles said she has been in contact with Edwards' karmalogist, who recommended a postponement, saying Edwards might not survive the massive bout of karma he finds himself facing.

Edwards is accused of violating federal election law by using nearly $1 million in illegal campaign donations to conceal an extramarital affair with his videographer, Rielle Hunter. Edwards admitted to making a sex tape and fathering a daughter with Hunter while his wife, Elizabeth, was dying of cancer.

"Given his background, it is not surprising that he is susceptible to bad karma," noted the karmalogist, Dr. Aagneya Deshpande, who added that he's somewhat surprised that Edwards hasn't already been crushed by some large falling object, like a boulder.

"Something very, very, very, very bad is coming at John Edwards like a runaway freight train," said Dr. Deshpande. "I'm just saying."

One legal expert, Professor Tom Patrick of the Ave Maria School of Law, said he doubted that Edwards' karma condition would influence a jury verdict.

"Edwards' serious problems with karma may prompt the public, including potential jurors, to view him in a more sympathetic light," said Patrick. "But probably not. I mean, how can you not hate the guy?"

"I'm just saying," added Patrick.

It's true that even if Edwards' survives his karma issues, attorneys are expected to have difficulty finding a jury not predisposed to hating his guts.

"To this day, whenever his name gets mentioned, my wife punches me," said Mark Fresnel, 45, of San Antonio, Texas. Fresnel is one of several men who took part in a Pew Research Center study that showed many women were taking Edwards' behavior out on their husbands. "If I got on that jury I'd vote for the death penalty."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Saturday: Guards Beat Up Candidates Trying To Kiss Beyonce's Baby

NEW YORK (CAP) - While en route from New Hampshire to South Carolina, several GOP presidential candidates stopped in New York and were "beaten senseless" by personal security personnel after attempting to kiss Beyonce and Jay-Z's newborn baby, Blue Ivy Carter.

"It was just supposed to be a photo op," said a clearly shaken Bob Franklin, campaign supervisor for Rick Santorum, who remained in intensive care at Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan, where the incident took place. "He wasn't within 10 feet of that baby before those guys were all over him like a sinful homosexual man on his illegitimate same-sex partner."

"Actually, those were the senator's words ... He said it just before he passed out from loss of blood," noted Franklin.

The superstar couple has come under fire for using their personal security team to restrict the movement of visitors and even other patients at the hospital during their stay there. The guards reportedly harassed hospital personnel, visiting fathers and at least two new mothers, plus Kanye West, who was there to declare Blue Ivy "one of the best babies of all time."

"We didn't recognize him at first," explained Richard "Runk" Runkwoksi, the head of the security detail, who noted on West's latest album cover, he was pixilated.

West was eventually admitted entrance, but both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, like Santorum, sustained injuries when approaching the baby with outstretched lips, according to sources close to the hospital.

Gingrich hadn't even gotten off the elevator when the security force, made up of former Navy SEALs and several Hells Angels, began beating him with broom handles.

"I tried to ask them, Do you know who I am?, but they kept calling me Pillsbury Dough Boy and poking me in the tummy with their broom handles," Gingrich told authorities afterwards.

According to a police report, Gingrich also claimed the guards took a diamond wristwatch he had bought at Tiffany's on the way to the hospital. "That watch was for my girlfriend!" Gingrich told police, then adding that by "girlfriend" he meant "wife."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: You call that an excuse?

Research shows that 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions are broken by Valentine’s Day, possibly more if one of your resolutions was not to forget Valentine’s Day. And when we break them, we invariably fall back on the same tired, old excuses as to why we couldn’t follow through. Which can only mean one thing: We as a society need to buckle down and, working together, come up with better excuses.

With that in mind, I’ve taken 10 of the most popular resolutions and formulated new, improved justifications to use with our friends and neighbors after we inevitably fail miserably sometime between now and Feb. 14, if not sooner. Use these and you may not become thinner, healthier and wealthier, but you also might not feel quite as bad about it.

1) Lose weight. Previous excuse: My schedule just didn’t allow for healthy food choices. What previous excuse meant: I was hungry. New, improved excuse: With people starving in Africa, who am I to stop eating Ring Dings?

2) Quit smoking.Previous excuse: I wanted to, but I’m addicted and I can’t help myself. What previous excuse meant: Without cigarettes how am I supposed to get through my days surrounded by all these morons? New, improved excuse: They discovered nicotine is good for you — seriously, I’ll send you the link.

3) Learn something new. Previous excuse: I just didn’t have the time or money to take classes. What previous excuse meant: “Dancing With The Stars” was on. New, improved excuse: It turns out I already know everything.

4) Get out of debt. Previous excuse: I tried, but everything’s so expensive it’s impossible to keep up in this economy. What previous excuse meant: I needed a TV that would take up an entire wall. New, improved excuse: It’s the 1 percent’s fault!

5) Spend more time with family. Previous excuse: It’s impossible to have much family time when work places such demands on me. What previous excuse meant: Leave me alone, I’m watching the giant TV I charged at Best Buy last week. New, improved excuse: My family is dead to me! It’s a long story.

6) Travel to new places. Previous excuse: I had too many obligations at home. What previous excuse meant: Who needs travel when you’ve got a giant TV? New, improved excuse: Taking off my shoes at the airport means letting the terrorists win.

7) Be less stressed. Previous excuse: I’m a very important person with a lot of demands on me, so it’s tough to de-stress. What previous excuse meant: I’m not actually that stressed, I’m just pretending to be so everyone will think I’m important. New, improved excuse: You’d be stressed too if you knew what I knew about the gaps in our national security. But I’ve already said too much.

8) Volunteer. Previous excuse: I can’t seem to find the right volunteer opportunity to fit my background and schedule. What previous excuse meant: Poor people make me uncomfortable. New, improved excuse: I couldn’t pass the background check. It’s a long story.

9) Get a better job. Previous excuse: There are just no good jobs out there in this economy. What previous excuse meant: If I had to ask any of my previous supervisors for a recommendation they would just laugh until tears poured down their cheeks. New, improved excuse: It’s the 1 percent’s fault!

10) Drink less. Previous excuse: I’m a very important person with a lot of demands on me, so I need a drink now and again to unwind. What previous excuse meant: “I love you, man!! BLEAGHGHGHGH!” New, improved excuse: They discovered alcohol is good for you — seriously, I’ll send you the BLEAGHGHGHGH!

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Van Halen Reunion Leads To Run On Assless Chaps

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - The reunion of iconic '70s and '80s rock band Van Halen - who will release a new album and launch a massive U.S. tour this year - has led to a tremendous spike in assless chaps sales, according to representatives in the assless chaps industry.

"Sales of assless chaps are already up more than 300 percent in the first quarter [of 2012]," confirmed Sal Bloomingfield of the United States Assless Chaps Association (USACA). "Frankly it's been more of a specialty item the last few decades, so we couldn't be happier."

Assless chaps experienced a renaissance of sorts in the early 1980s when they became popularized by Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth, who wore them during concerts, in music videos, on interviews and, by many accounts, while relaxing around the house.

"Let's face it -- they're just comfortable," said Bloomingfield. "They breathe."

The chaps became a hot item, surpassing Lego Technic and the Care Bears to become the top-selling Christmas gift of 1984. But soon after Roth left the band their popularity plummeted, and many of the assless chaps sold during that period wound up tucked away in people's closets, unworn.

"I remember going to a church mixer in the spring of '85 and looking up to realize I was the only guy wearing assless chaps," recalled Bob Fernstrom, 45, of Great Neck, N.Y. "That was an eye opener," added Fernstrom, who noted he was threatened with arrest on indecent exposure charges unless he went home and changed into parachute pants.

The Van Halen reunion seems to have rekindled interest, however. Jon Zincway, a writer for the Live Daily music website, said he pulled his old assless chaps out of his bottom drawer as soon as it was announced that Roth would return to the band.

"Now this is what Van Halen is all about," said Zincway, who noted that after replacing Roth as lead singer, neither Sammy Hagar nor Gary Cherone ever exposed their butt cheeks on stage.

Zincway said he plans to wear his chaps to work every day throughout the tour, but added, "I just wish they had a pocket" since he needs somewhere to hold his iPhone so he can Tweet the setlist of every concert.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: When 2011 predictions go bad

I know many of you have probably given up on my annual predictions, considering how every time I revisit them a year later it turns out I was pretty much completely wrong. But keep in mind that my record puts me in some fine company, including most weather forecasters, a fair number of political pundits and whoever thought another reboot of “Charlie’s Angels” was a good idea.

With that in mind, here’s a look back on my annual predictions from a year ago. I’ll skip the one about “Charlie’s Angels.”

1) “From Egypt to Tunisia to Libya to Wall Street, everyone will be pretty satisfied with how things are being handled. Nothing to see here!” It didn’t work out that way, but who would have thought people would actually get off their couches? Especially here in America, where “NCIS” was on.

2) “Buoyed by President Obama’s faltering poll numbers, the GOP will field a stellar lineup of potential 2012 presidential candidates, each one more brilliant and impressive than the next.” This didn’t quite pan out, but in my defense, I did predict that at least one of the candidates would be extremely fond of pizza. Granted, I was actually thinking of Chris Christie.

3) “I have a feeling this will be a big year for Penn State!” Let’s move on.

4) “It took three years, but the economy will finally rebound to its full strength, resulting in a dramatic increase in well-paying jobs for middle-class workers.” OK, maybe that didn’t quite happen, but at least I was right about all the executives getting larger bonuses.

5) “This will be the year that Kim Kardashian finds true, lasting love, just like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Arnold Schwarzennegger and Maria Shriver and Katy Perry and Russell Brand.” I may have seemed off on this one, but I should point out that many of the above listed people did find love, just not with each other.

6) “New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys will join forces and shock the world by finding and killing Osama bin Laden.” Very close on this one — the two bands did tour together, but it was actually SEAL Team 6 that got bin Laden. In defense of NKOTBSB, though, they did sell out two nights at Mohegan Sun, and have a kickin’ acronym.

7) “I have a feeling this will be a big year for the Red Sox!” Well, they did have a better year than Penn State.

8) “Repulsed by the very idea of ‘The Smurfs,’ movie audiences will instead flock to hits like ‘Mars Needs Moms,’ ‘Arthur’ and ‘Green Lantern.’” Damn those little blue buggers! Although as one of the eight people who actually saw “Mars Needs Moms,” I can say pretty unequivocally that Mars definitely did not need moms.

9) “A mundane weather year will bolster the assertion that climate change may not actually exist.” Well, it’s possible that all those floods, tornadoes, unseasonable blizzards, earthquakes, heat waves and tsunamis could have just been a coincidence. Or heavenly retribution for our unrepentant sinning. One of those two things.

10) “I have a feeling this will be a big year for rising political star Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-NY!” I guess the veracity of this prediction revolves around your definition of “big.” Although frankly I’d rather not think about it.

11) “Yes, I’ve predicted every year since 1996 that this would be the year that Charlie Sheen gets his act together, and he keeps letting me down, in much the same way he’s let down his various wives and the hookers he’s trapped in hotel bathrooms. But that’s all in the past — this will be the year that Charlie shows us he’s both a serious actor and a fine humanitarian.” Let’s move on.

12) “Faced with alarming deficits and other issues in need of addressing, Congress will finally learn to work together in a bipartisan fashion to solve the nation’s HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Nope, I couldn’t keep a straight face about it then either.

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.