At Large Fake News Monday: 'Splash' Mishaps Jeopardize 'Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling'

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - An injury suffered by Baywatch star Nicole Eggert on ABC's reality diving show Splash - the latest in a series of mishaps on the set - has producers rethinking plans to go forward with Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling, set for debut this fall.

"Up until now, we hadn't really thought beyond the fact that putting B-level celebrities in situations where they could be gravely injured or killed was ratings gold," noted Chainsaw producer Martin Shafer. "Well, okay, C-level celebrities."

However, "We never really thought about what would happen if they were actually gravely injured or killed," Shafer said, acknowledging that it would probably still boost ratings, but only temporarily.
 
Celebrity Chainsaw Juggling was set to feature actors Dustin Diamond, Tara Reid and Reginald VelJohnson, singer Courtney Love, Ukrainian pentathlete Boris Onishchenko, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite and former CBS anchor Dan Rather, whose 2006 reality show with O.J. Simpson was cancelled after three episodes.

In the show, world famous juggler Michael Moschen was to train the celebrities on dangerous juggling tricks, starting with maces and axes and working their way up to flaming chainsaws.

"It probably wouldn't be good if Dan Rather wound up on the business end of a flaming chainsaw on national TV," admitted Shafer, noting that if it were Sam Donaldson it would be a different story.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Thursday: Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views

WASHINGTON (CAP) - American Catholics this week, while generally happy with the newly elected Pope Francis, expressed disappointment that the new head of the Catholic Church insisted on espousing such Catholic views.

A new study out of the Pew Research Center said that while 74 percent of American Catholics approve of Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio's appointment as pontiff, almost 60 percent wished he held different views on abortion, premarital sex, contraception and same-sex marriage.

"Most respondents questioned why the pope has to be so darn Catholic, to use a phrase that came up over and over again," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel. In addition to those issues mentioned above, most Catholics weren't thrilled with the new pope's views on adultery, masturbation and "pretty much any of that sex stuff," said Spitznagel, again quoting the study.

"Just once I'd like to see a pope who didn't have a problem with premarital sex," said Carole Thomson, 29, who describes herself as a "devout Catholic" who nonetheless has never married and has had 19 sexual partners, some of them women.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE FAKE NEWS MONDAY: Chris Christie Praises Sen. Scott Brown, Eats Him

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (CAP) - Sen. Scott Brown was joined yesterday on the campaign trail in Framingham by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, one of the nation's leading champions of balanced budgets and government reform.

There, Christie praised Brown's bipartisan record and his ability to work with Democrats to solve problems, and then swallowed him whole.

Witnesses say Christie extolled Brown's bipartisan efforts in the Senate, and then unhinged his jaw, not unlike a giant, corpulent serpent, and ate Brown from the head down, slowly drawing the senator into his tremendous gullet and digesting him over a period of several hours.

Christie, who was named the "least scary" and "fattest" potential GOP presidential contender in a USA Today/Gallup poll in August of 2011, has only rarely eaten his fellow Republicans, but today reportedly went on stage hungry after missing his usual lunch of 2,625 pounds of zooplankton.

"I really respect Christie's positions on fiscal issues," noted Cyndi Carlson of Sherborn, Mass., who added that she'd been undecided until Christie's endorsement prompted her to go for Brown. "Until Christie ate him, that is. I guess I'll have to vote for Elizabeth Warren now."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Thursday: Photogs Spy Prince Charles Nude In Stoke-on-Trent

STAFFORDSHIRE (CAP) - Apparently taking a cue from his randy son Prince Harry, Prince Charles is the latest royal to find himself in hot water thanks to some unfortunate photos turning up in the British tabloids.

The Prince of Wales was photographed this past weekend cavorting nude with his wife Camilla Parker Bowles following a game of "strip cricket" in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire. In one picture, a stark naked Charles is seen obscuring his genitalia behind a wicket bail.

"You'd think he would have used the bat, just to keep up appearances, wot?" said Nigel Tambling-Goggin, publisher of the London Star-Mirror, which ran the photos on its front page.

In another photo, the naked Charles gives a bear-hug from behind to Parker Bowles, who appears to be wearing a gray leather bodysuit.

"But it turns out that's actually her skin - she's as starkers as he is!" said Tambling-Goggin.

"You'll notice the people retching in the background," he pointed out, before having to turn away to avoid becoming physically ill. "Blimey ... I'm starting to wonder if this press freedom is really worth it," he added, wiping sweat from his brow.

The photos were apparently snapped by a group of pensioners who were in town for the Newcastle-under-Lyme Pottery Festival and Extravaganza. Stoke-on-Trent, part of a conurbation considered to be the pottery capital of Great Britain, is known for the wild antics "one might expect from such a pottery haven," according to tourism brochures distributed by the North Staffordshire Chamber of Commerce and Industry (NSCCI).

But those antics are not meant to be broadcast beyond the local borders, says NSCCI president Cornelia Trickelbank. "As we say around here, what happens in Stoke-on-Trent stays in Stoke-on-Trent," said Trickelbank. "Or at least doesn't go any further than Newcastle-under-Lyme, or, on extremely rare occasions, Wolstanton.

"You get the idea," she added.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Thursday: Oops! Mars Rover Tech Forgot To Pack The Big Lens

PASADENA (CAP) - In one of the few disappointments so far involving the Mars rover Curiosity - which landed on the red planet last week - several technicians were reportedly horrified to find NASA's F-7000 High Density Lens in a storage closet at their jet propulsion lab yesterday.

The lens, which NASA scientists developed over five years at a cost of approximately $350 million, was supposed to have been mounted to the rear of the rover, where it would take in-depth photographs at a far higher resolution than those that have been transmitted by the device so far.

"I know we certainly intended to put it there," the project's head imaging technician Kris Hanford told CAP News. "I'm pretty sure Carl was supposed to do it."

Carl, a NASA technician who declined to give his last name, said he definitely mounted something there, but now he's thinking it might have been something other than the F-7000, like a piece of PVC pipe.

"The funny thing is, I remember when we stored the lens in there I thought, I wonder why we're putting this in here with all this PVC pipe?" Carl recalled.

The news was reportedly not taken well when it was announced to mission control, where dozens of men broke instantaneously into tears, crying uncontrollably down the fronts of their powder blue golf shirts.

Adam Seltzner, the NASA scientist who had been preparing to study the images that were to be sent back from Curiosity using the F-7000, was particularly inconsolable, given that he now has nothing to do for the next five years.

"F-ing Carl!" sobbed Seltzner, removing his horn-rimmed glasses to rub his bloodshot eyes. "I'm still convinced he was the one who put the bad tire on the Spirit rover in 2010."

"It wasn't a tire so much as an old piece of rubber," recalled Carl. "But I'm pretty sure it was circular."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Springsteen's E Street Band Suffering From 'Exhaustion'

HELSINKI (CAP) - Several members of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band were admitted to the Helsinki University Central Hospital last week, apparently suffering from exhaustion following a concert at Olympic Stadium that lasted anywhere from four to nine hours, according to various reports.

"It was harrowing ... they just started dropping like flies," said Lasse Hamalainen, one of the few audience members to make it through the entirety of the mammoth performance.

Most accounts have keyboardist Roy Bittan, 63, being the first to show signs of fatigue, missing some notes in the piano solo on "Backstreets" around hour five, and then falling unconscious with his head on his keyboard.

"It made sort of a plinky sound," noted Hamalainen.

Others soon followed, including guitarist Nils Lofgren, 61, who collapsed behind the horn section Fender guitar in hand, and bassist Garry W. Tallent, 62, who curled up into a fetal position on one of the stage risers.

Witnesses say that shortly thereafter Max Weinberg's arms froze in an upraised position during "Candy's Room" and the 61-year-old drummer fell over backwards, "sort of like an uprooted Greek statue," said Hamalainen.

All through the carnage Springsteen, 63, continued to rally the crowd, waving his arms, sliding across the stage on his knees and hanging upside down off his microphone stand.

"He never slowed down, except when he tried to crowd surf over the 'pit' in front of the stage and as it turned out most of the crowd had passed out by around hour eight," said Hamalainen.

Luckily for Springsteen, two large men who had managed to stay conscious - identified only as "Aleksi" and "Joonas" - were able to hold him aloft until he could get back to the stage.

Witnesses report that by the 12th encore the entire band was strewn out around the stage in various states of consciousness, from staggeringly dazed (saxophonist Jake Clemons) to full-fledged coma (Steven Van Zandt, looking not unlike his character Silvio Dante in the last episode of The Sopranos).

"When he realized there was no one backing him up anymore, he ran offstage and grabbed his acoustic guitar" - Springsteen's guitar tech had apparently also passed out - "and started doing a solo show," said Hamalainen, who had taken to keep himself awake by pinching himself and burning his arm hairs off with a cigarette lighter.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Queen Elizabeth II Can't Believe It's Come To This

LONDON (CAP) - As she surveyed the crowd at the Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 Olympic Games last weekend, Queen Elizabeth II couldn't help but be gripped by one nagging, overarching question: "What the hell happened?

"There was a time when a monarch was a monarch," she said later during an exclusive interview with CAP News. "Now I'm reduced to presiding over some vulgar melange of Les Miserables and STOMP."

She then stopped for a moment to stare out her window at Buckingham Palace, perhaps remembering a time when a queen could, for no especially good reason, order somebody's head removed.

"I mean, did I really just appear in some half-witted James Bond spoof?" she asked, referring to Danny Boyle's short film depicting her as the newest Bond girl and jumping out of a helicopter with Daniel Craig.  "And that skinny fellow with the wide face - who was that man? Everyone knows Sean Connery is the only true Bond."

Then she paused again and finally muttered, "Wanker," to no one in particular.

But some say the Queen might be engaging in a bit of revisionist history when lamenting her role in the Olympics spectacle. "This type of thing has been going on for centuries," said Walter Fernfrussen, professor of British Studies at Oxford.

For instance in 1878, Queen Victoria made a much-publicized appearance as "Mrs. Cripps (Little Buttercup), A Portsmouth Bumboat Woman" in a special performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore to commemorate the 525th anniversary of the House of Lords, explained Fernfrussen. "She was terrible, but received polite applause," he said.

And in 1936, said Fernfrussen, Edward VIII - in one of the few achievements of his short reign before abdicating the throne - appeared in a series of short subjects with the Peculiar Iddesleigh Brothers, a long-forgotten comedy trio considered to be Britain's answer to The Three Stooges.

"He spent most of his screen time having crumpets thrown at him," said Fernfrussen.

The Queen also told CAP News she was upset that Olympics preparation had been criticized by U.S. GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who apparently would have restructured the entire operation much like he did Wayne Industries.

"Off with his head!" the Queen said of Romney, before being reminded by aides that even if she still had that authority, it would not extend to Romney because he is not a British citizen.

"Oh bollocks," she responded. "How about that Paul McCartney then?"

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Romney Condemns Gay Marriage At PFLAG Meeting

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh off his appearance in front of the NAACP, where he was roundly booed for criticizing President Barack Obama, GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney appeared before the national chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) to talk about his opposition of same-sex marriage.

"Marriage is between a man and a woman, and that's that," Romney told the crowd yesterday, prompting more than 40 simultaneous "glitter bombs" that left him sparkly for the rest of the speech.

It's one in a series of Romney campaign appearances that have prompted less than enthusiastic responses from the audience. Other recent incidents include:

- A stop at the annual convention for the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) in Corpus Christi, where Romney said, "What we need is policy that will get all you people to self-deport yourselves. Who's with me?" The statement was met with stony silence, followed by a smattering of boos and finally a wrestler in a blue mask who tried to catapult himself off the ropes on top of Romney and was restrained by bodyguards.

- A speech for the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations (CoP), where Romney told the crowd, "Israel is a great ally of the United States, even if I don't agree with your religion, its odd customs or its lack of special underpants. Also, Barbra Streisand - what's the appeal there?" This prompted the entire crowd to declare "Oy!" and slap its foreheads in unison.

- An address before the National Organization for Women that Romney opened up by saying, "Thanks for taking the time to leave your kitchens and come see me. So what do you chicks do around here for fun?" He was then pelted by burning bras.

- An appearance at the National Poverty Center at which he just said "Get a job!" and left.

Some have questioned Romney's judgment in addressing these groups, but conservative pundits say he's likely offending them on purpose to stir up his base. "Or at least the portion of his base that can't stand blacks, gays, immigrants or women," said TV and radio host Sean Hannity. "You know, real Americans."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Apple, Google Face New Challenger In Fred's Tablet

BOSTON (CAP) - Fresh on the heels of Google's Nexus 7 tablet computer, another tablet getting ready to enter the crowded market promises to offer some of the convenience of competitors' products at a fraction of the price.

"Fred's Tablet" will be available online and at select retail outlets - primarily Richdale convenience stores - for $29.99, a full $170 less than the Nexus 7 or Amazon's Kindle Fire, according to the tablet's designer, Fred Prywatki.


"We're trying to show that families can get a fun, useful tablet at an affordable price if they're just willing to forgo a few of the bells and whistles," said Prywatki, whose tablet is being distributed by Prywatki Electrics, a wholly owned subsidiary of Prywatki's primary business, Prywatki Kia of Pittsfield.

Fred's Tablet will boast a 4-inch, 3-color screen - "red, blue and one other, I think it was yellow," said Prywatki - and weighs in at a "manageable" 4 1/2 pounds. It runs on four "D" batteries and boasts a five-hour battery life "as long as you don't do anything too fancy," Prywatki said.

Though it only features 1GB of storage - enough for about 150 songs or 300 photos, but not both - it's expandable by hooking it up to an external hard drive via a USB cable (sold separately). It does not feature WiFi technology, but does come with a "wicked long cord" to plug into your modem, said Prywatki, and it eschews a touch screen in favor of a plastic knob, not unlike an Etch-A-Sketch.

As for apps, Fred's Tablet will run any of the standard applications available for the Dandroid operating system. "It's just like Android, but with a D," noted Prywatki. Popular games available include Pimple Run, Where's My Wafer? and Angry Turds.

"That last one is NSFW," he warned.

News of Fred's Tablet has been met with skepticism on several fronts, especially given the outcome of Prywatki's most high-profile previous endeavor, Fred's Museum of Science in Woburn, Mass., which closed after three months in 2008. It took Prywatki several years to settle lawsuits with victims of bee stings and falling apples, and one family that was trapped for over three hours under a Barney the Purple Dinosaur costume that fell off its pedestal in the paleontology cubicle.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Romney To Move US In New Direction Via Tugboats

DAYTON (CAP) - Claiming President Obama's policies are bringing us "closer to Europe," GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney says that if elected, he will move the country in a new direction using a fleet of giant tugboats and massive cables affixed to the West Coast.

"Every day, President Obama's failed economic policies are taking us squarely in the direction of Europe," Romney told a crowd during a campaign event in Troy, Ohio. "As soon as I get into office I will start moving this country in a new direction, namely west.

 

"Every inch we move this nation away from Europe is another inch away from socialism and debt crisis," Romney added. "Plus, we'll be that much closer to China, where we've sent most of our jobs."

 

Noticing the horrified looks from his aides, he quickly added, "Er, not me, of course ... other people."

Although he admitted the prospect of dragging an entire country even a short distance was "a massive undertaking," Romney said, "most Americans are looking for a new direction, and as my father used to say, there's nothing we can't do if we have the right leadership and enough tugboats."

Romney said the project would also be a job creator, noting they'd have to manufacture hundreds of massive tugboats approximately three to four times larger than a typical ocean liner, as well as miles and miles of super-high-tensile cable.

"Plus some kind of really long stakes or something to tie it to, probably," he said.

The proposal comes on the heels of criticism that Romney has spent too much time criticizing the president's "failed policies" without offering concrete plans of his own. In recent weeks he has also proposed programs that would:

- Employ thousands of carpenters, woodworkers and tree surgeons to make all the trees in the U.S. the "right height."

- Provide citizenship cards, driver's licenses, voter registration and Spotify accounts to all corporations, on the grounds that they are people.

- Install airtight dog carriers on the top of every American-made vehicle.

"And they work for your grandchildren too!" Romney quipped.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Thursday: 7 Arrests In Susan Boyle, Diana Krall Entourage Brawl

NEW YORK (CAP) - Police are still trying to determine the causes and culprits behind last weekend's bottle-throwing brawl between the drunken, swearing entourages of singers Susan Boyle and Diana Krall.

Police have yet to establish what sparked the incident at Manhattan's Carnegie Club Cocktail and Smoking Lounge, but if either Boyle or Krall were directly involved then charges will be filed, said NYPD spokesman Paul Brownie.

"We don't care how emotive your interpretation of I Dreamed A Dream is, or how stunning your contralto vocals are," said Brownie. "You attack a half-dozen smooth jazz and easy listening enthusiasts with bottles, you're going downtown."

Seven people were arrested immediately following the melee, including Krall's yoga instructor, feng shui expert and her two personal Reiki practioners, and Boyle's nutritionist, hair consultant and a woman who follows her everywhere and cries when she performs Autumn Leaves.

According to sources close to the club, Krall had sent Boyle's party a bottle of Chivas Regal, and Boyle, or someone in her entourage, responded by sending Krall a note saying, Don't you think you should sell a few more records before you go spending that kind of brass on boozy-woozy, dear?

"That's when the bottles started flying," said the source.

San Antonio Spurs player Tony Parker, who was at the club after attending a performance of Broadway's Sister Act, was injured when one of Krall's cronies squirted him in the eye with the juice from a lime and elderflower martini.

"I went right to the emergency room," said Parker, wearing an eye patch, a neck brace and some sort of gauze turban, and choking up at the trauma of being caught in the brawl. "Now I'm going to have to watch the new production of Porgy And Bess with one eye," he sighed.

The feud between Boyle and Krall has apparently been long simmering, and recalls the 2011 incident when members of Lady Gaga's entourage shot at "Weird Al" Yankovic from sparklers attached to their bosoms, and another earlier this year when Jimmy Fallon, Brian Williams and Jon Stewart got into a massive brawl over Bruce Springsteen's attention.

"And don't forget the feud between Sting and everybody else in the music business," commented two former members of The Police who declined to be named.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Monday: Guy Who Keeps Track Of IP Addresses Is Exhausted

CAMBRIDGE (CAP) - When Fred Lohman entered the fledgling Internet Protocol (IP) address accounting business in 1978, he was excited to be getting in on the ground floor of a new industry.

"And it was pretty light work too, at the time," recalls Lohman, now 64. "Basically unless some new mainframe went online at some college somewhere, I pretty much had the day to myself."

But that was then - today, with 4 billion addresses and counting, keeping track of IPs is a lot more complicated than it was in 1978. That's when MIT hired Lohman at a rate of $2.65 per hour and gave him a crisp, leather-bound ledger to record new IP addresses as they came in.

"These days the ledgers are covered with plastic or whatever you call this material ... pleather maybe?" says Lohman, holding up one of the thousands of books he's filled with addresses just in the last week.

Although it's certainly within MIT's reach to record the addresses digitally, Lohman prefers to keep up with the work the way he's always done it: by hand.

There's something about the feel of writing a new address with a fresh ball-point pen, or maybe a felt-tip marker," he says, continuing to record IP addresses for dozens of new computers, smartphones, video game systems and tablets while he talks.

"I don't sleep more than two hours most nights, and I haven't taken a vacation since 1992," Lohman admitted, still writing numbers in his distinctive scrawl. "But it's worth it."

Unfortunately, a new development in the industry has even Lohman wondering if the loving craftsmanship he's brought to IP address accounting may soon be a thing of the past. With the institution of the new IP standard IPv6, the number of potential IP addresses grew from this week from 4.3 billion to 340 undecillion, or 340 trillion trillion trillion.

"Who even knew undecillion was an actual thing?" Lohman asked, shaking his head while feverishly writing down the IP addresses for some of the hundreds of new cars, wristwatches and washing machines with Internet connections. "That's gonna take a lot of ledgers."

[Read the rest at CAP News]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Lady Gaga/Man-Bat Tour Reportedly In Jeopardy

JAKARTA (CAP) - Faced with opposition from several hard-line conservative groups, Lady Gaga has postponed her Indonesian spring concert tour with her scheduled co-headliner, Man-Bat.

"While we realize that Dr. Kirk Langstrom was just trying to cure his own deafness when he developed his bat sonar extract, the fact remains that it turned him into a hideous man-sized bat hell-bent on mindless destruction," read a statement from the Islam Defenders Front.

"Now, in addition to promoting pornography and satanic values with her music, Lady Gaga is putting the entire population of Jakarta at risk of being terrorized by Man-Bat, and possibly his wife, Francine Langstrom, a.k.a. She-Bat," the statement continued.

News of the postponement has devastated Indonesian fans, who had been clamoring for a live Lady Gaga/Man-Bat collaboration for years.

"Boy George was on the bill too, but we weren't as excited about that," noted diehard Gaga fan Daren Sibarani, who had planned to welcome Gaga and Man-Bat with a flash mob of 124 students, half of them dressed as bats, the other half wearing meat.

"Mostly dead chickens," said Sibarani.

The tour was to have had several stops in Indonesia featuring various performers in addition to Lady Gaga, Man-Bat and Boy George. These included She-Hulk, Boyz II Men, Lady Antebellum and Man Ray, the late avant-garde Dadaist photographer.

"Not Man Ray the SpongeBob SquarePants character," noted Sibarani. "That would just be silly."

Gaga, for her part, has said she thinks the hardline groups are overreacting, noting that every time Man-Bat has gone on a rampage previously, he's been fairly easily subdued by Batman and his companion, Robin the Boy Wonder.

"Two of my favorite Little Monsters, incidentally," noted Gaga, adding, "Bat-paws up!"

Batman and Robin have both gone on the record as being big Lady Gaga fans, and have reportedly even consulted with her on her fashion choices, particularly the ones involving black molded rubber.

"And I think it's just wonderful what she's done for the LGBT community," said Batman, re-polishing his hard rubber codpiece. "Not that Robin and I would have any sort of vested interest in that."

Batman's promises to protect Indonesia from the Man-Bat weren't enough for the Islam Defenders Front, however.

"We refuse to place the safety of the people of Jakarta in the hands of a vigilante like The Batman," stated an IDF spokesman, "and besides, Lady Gaga is still promoting pornography and satanic values whether Man-Bat goes on a rampage or not."

"Ugh, I hate it when people call me The Batman," responded Batman.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Monday: Zuckerberg Still Checking For Ex-Girlfriend Friend Response

PALO ALTO (CAP) - Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, whose company suffered a surprisingly lackluster initial public stock offering last week, is reportedly still distracted by the lack of a "Friend" response from the girlfriend who dumped him in college, an event that prompted him to invent the hugely successful social network.

"She hasn't accepted it, but she hasn't rejected it either," Zuckerberg told a close acquaintance who spoke to CAP News under condition of anonymity.

"Our research has shown that means I still have about a 28 percent chance of her responding in the affirmative," he told the acquaintance, who had actually asked about the decision to raise Facebook's projected stock price to a range of $34 to $38 from the initial $28 to $35.

Instead of answering the question about the stocks, Zuckerberg simply noted that "until that rejection comes, I'm still in the game," before misting up briefly and then turning icy and sarcastic.
 
The Social Network, the 2010 David Fincher movie about the founding of Facebook, famously ends with Zuckerberg sending a friend request to the girl - a BU student called "Erica Albright" in the movie - and then refreshing his screen repeatedly as he waits for an answer.

"That's pretty much how he spends every day, still," said another anonymous source within Facebook, who noted that people will often approach Zuckerberg with questions about the business or the latest revenue figures, and he'll just look out the window distractedly as he refreshes his screen over and over.

"I'd say he's giving the business the minimum amount of attention," said the source.

Zuckerberg's distraction has reportedly proven especially problematic given the initial public stock offering, not to mention his recent marriage to longtime companion Dr. Priscilla Chen.

"He just kept refreshing his Facebook page on his smartphone, and she just looked frustrated," said a waiter at the exclusive Caribbean resort where the couple honeymooned. "On the plus side, he accidentally left me a $400,000 tip. Cash!"

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Friday: Study - Axe Spray Makes Teenagers Smell Like Crap

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center focusing on Axe body sprays found that, of 100 teenagers using the products, 99 of them smelled "like total crap," according to Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.

"And it turned out the other kid was actually wearing Old Spice," Spitznagel said.

Interestingly, the findings stand in direct contrast to what the teenagers themselves thought of their personal odors, with the vast majority of them saying that they thought they smelled "wicked good."

"Girls totally love it," said Josh Zwybeck, 18, apparently believing the ads that insinuate women will actually lose control of their inhibitions and "go wild" when presented with a teenage boy who has sprayed himself with Silver Fusion or Cool Metal.

"But of course those commercials depict women reacting to what must be a pleasant, even arousing smell, whereas in reality the scent is repulsive," noted Spitzagel, adding, "not unlike crap."

The study attributes the young men's belief that the smell is attractive to a sort of mass delusion, "the scale of which we haven't seen since the one we monitored in 2008, when we found that most teenage girls believed Twilight was a true story."

Spitznagel noted that in many cases, the teenagers in the study even willed themselves to believe that showering - after a long lacrosse practice, for instance - was not necessary as long as they were spraying themselves liberally with Axe.

"In those instances, the teenagers smelled of an almost debilitating combination of Axe and body odor," Spitznagel said, adding that several researchers had collapsed from exposure and begged to be removed from the project, even volunteering to return to the study counting pictures of cats on the Internet.

"In one case the odor almost removed the skin from a researcher's face," said Spitznagel, like "that Nazi at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark."

"Nothing sexy about that, nuh-uh," he added.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Tuesday: Mitt Romney Nabs Supercuts Endorsement

MINNEAPOLIS (CAP) - GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney this week secured a coveted endorsement from Supercuts, the hair salon franchise with more than 2,000 locations nationwide.

"Mitt Romney is someone who understands the importance of a good haircut," said Supercuts spokesman Mitchell Hanson. "And not just his own hair. If he sees someone who needs a haircut, he'll make sure it gets done. By any means possible."

Romney's hair-cutting past raised eyebrows recently when the Washington Post reported that as a high school student, Romney held down a gay student and cut his hair off. But Romney said he doesn't recall the incident; he suspects because he spent most of his high school career cutting people's hair.

"I was a regular Vidal Sassoon in those days, God rest his soul," said Romney. "As to the trims I gave back then, I don't remember them all, but again, high school days, if I did a poor coif, why, I'm afraid I've got to say sorry for it."

Romney says he estimates he probably gave a hundred or more haircuts to friends, classmates, teachers, administrators and groundskeepers at the exclusive Cranbrook private school, never charging them, citing the Mormon requirement of good citizenship.

"I suppose I may have been overzealous about a few of those trims, like some of my fellow Mormons have been about their number of wives and promoting their magic underpants," he said.

"It's like the old joke about the Boy Scout who helped the old lady to cross the street even though she didn't want to go," Romney said. "Except in this case the Boy Scout holds her down in the middle of the road and chops her fruity blonde hair off." At that point Romney's spokesperson abruptly ended the interview.

Oddly, subsequent conversations with Romney's former classmates and surviving Cranbrook staffers reveal that none of them recall the candidate having had a penchant for hair-cutting, or even owning a scissors.

"In fact, I think had to borrow a scissors the time he held that kid down and cut his fruity blonde hair off," said one former Cranbrook student who said he witnessed the incident that Romney doesn't remember, and has been in therapy ever since.

But some sources close to Romney say he's kept up his hair-cutting hobby to this day. The Boston Globe reported that when his children were younger he used to cut their hair, and would even get involved in trimming the fur of the family dog Seamus, often while the dog was on the top of the family car.

"He loved it - he would just jump right up there and lie on his back waiting for the shears," recalled Romney's wife Anne. "And the dog enjoyed it too."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Saturday: Success Of 'Avengers' Leads To Run On Shields, Mallets

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of the success of Marvel's The Avengers, which has taken in more than $600 million in worldwide ticket sales, manufacturers say they can't keep up with the demand for Captain America shields, Thor hammers and Iron Man metal helmets among the movie's target audience, 40- to 55-year-old men.

"I got the last one they had!" said Mark Pender, 41, a Boise accountant and father of two, as he brandished his official stainless steel Captain America shield while waiting for the No. 17 bus on Bannock Street in Boise. "It makes a neat clangy noise when you hit stuff against it," he noted, whacking it with his lunchbox as other white-collar commuters looked on with looks of barely contained jealousy.

In small towns and big cities all over the country, the streets are filled with middle-aged men carrying Avengers paraphernalia, according to Buck Frearson of the Super Hero Merchandise Co. of Spartanburg, S.C.

"These Thor mallets are about 12 pounds each, so they're not that easy to carry, but we've already sold more than 400,000 of them," said Frearson, hefting a hammer up by its strap and noting that men can be seen lugging them along the streets of Chicago and New York City in "staggering numbers."

"The only downside is the people who've accidentally broken their noses spinning them around," said Frearson, who, amid rumbles of a class action suit, says his company has started including warning labels that state, "Do not spin these around near your nose."

"Gods of Thunder these people aren't," he noted.

The run on Avengers merchandise by men in mid-life shouldn't be surprising, according Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Research Center. His study of the Avengers' opening weekend audience shows it was 80 percent made up of males who have been dreaming about this movie since they first read an Avengers comic book when they were 9.

"And the other 20 percent were wives and children dragged there by them," noted Spitznagel, who commented that it's the same demographic for whom improbably busty superheroines were invented.
The demographic isn't entirely male, though - for instance, New Jersey mother of three and Avengers fan Barbara Linebach, 42, was wearing a skintight Black Widow jumpsuit as she pushed her daughter, Madison, 4, down the produce aisle of the Barnegat, N.J. Safeway this week.

"I haven't been this excited about a new outfit since I bought those assless chaps for the Van Halen tour," said Linebach, adjusting the jumpsuit where her midsection kept protruding from between the top and the pants as frightened stock clerks scurried behind the deli counter.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Column: The tube according to Osama

Fox News “falls into the abyss as you know, and lacks neutrality too.” CNN “seems to be in cooperation with the government more than others.” That was how Al Qaeda … rated several American TV news outlets, according to documents made public today.

– Los Angeles Times, May 3

***

To: The Joint Chiefs of Staff
From: Combating Terrorism Center
Regarding: Osama bin Laden’s journals

Gentlemen:

Although reports have attributed critiques of American news networks to an Al Qaeda operative, Osama bin Laden’s personal journals — confiscated following the raid on his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan — would seem to indicate that the criticisms may actually have come from bin Laden, who apparently spent several years in his bunker doing nothing but watching American television.

Following are 10 of bin Laden’s journal excerpts that bolster this opinion, for your eyes only:
 1) “Fox and Friends is as lacking in neutrality as the rest of the network’s programming, which is emblematic of the American arrogance and hubris. And who is doing the picking of Brian Kilmeade’s neckties? That person should be beheaded and his body defiled.”

 2) “Two and a Half Men: Ashton Kutcher, bah! I have a mind to order a fatwa against him, because of his conceit in believing he could take the place of Charlie Sheen, and also because I feel that eventually he will hurt Demi, whom I loved in ‘Striptease’ and would gladly make one of my many wives.”

3) “The Big Bang Theory: These wispy faux men would not last for a day in my ranks. Also, the one who argues that Superman is mightier than Green Lantern is foolish beyond all folly. Death to him!”
4) “House: I find this surly physician appealing! Also, he made me realize that I may have hereditary hemorrhagic telangiectasia. (Although my wives have thought I was a hypochondriac ever since I got obsessively neat after watching that Monk marathon last year. Curse them … Demi would believe in my ailments!)”

 5) “Glee: This show is so gay. In fact, these are some of the happiest people I’ve ever seen on television. Praise be to Glee!”

6) “The O’Reilly Factor: What is this No-Spin Zone he speaks of endlessly? I am beginning to think it is not a real place.”

7) “Undercover Boss: I once did this with my new recruits — masqueraded as one of them so I could see how truly dedicated they were to our glorious cause. Until one of the lieutenants tried to strap a bomb on me, and I was like ‘Hey, Osama here! Undercover boss! Good job, carry on everybody!’”

8) “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: “It is not fair that Americans should enjoy quality late-night humor while our brothers around the world are experiencing comedy of the most miserable level. Based on this, with the permission of God, we will continue to inflict Jay Leno upon you until the suffering of our people abates.”

9) “Deadliest Catch: Sadly about fishing.”

10) “The Voice: Terrible — these people have the voices of a hundred spitting camels being mauled to death by a Caspian tiger. Except for Dia Frampton, whose tones are like a blessed emissary of Allah and whom I would like to be one of my virgins when I arrive in paradise, many, many years from now. Oops, hold on, someone’s at the door.”

A version of this column originally appeared at CAP News. Check out other satire from me and CAP in “Net's Best Satire, Vol. 1,” available at Amazon and BN.com.

At Large Fake News Wednesday: Avengers Buzz Spurs Plans For Wendy & Marvin Movie

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Anticipation over the release of Marvel's The Avengers has studios scrambling to bring other superhero properties to the big screen, including a live-action film featuring Wendy and Marvin from the Super Friends TV series.

"These are some of the most beloved characters in the history of the comics, or at least the Saturday morning television versions of the comics," said producer Martin Shafer. "Who will ever forget their adventures doing, you know, all those things they did with the Super Friends?"

In the series, neither character seemed to have any special abilities to speak of, and no reason was ever given as to why they apparently lived with the Super Friends in the Hall of Justice.

"But in the movie you'll learn a lot more about them," said Shafer, pointing to a picture of the duo from the 1970s series. "You'll learn why Marvin had this big M on his shirt, and you'll see the origins of their torrid romance ... um, unless they're brother and sister, in which case, not so much. Also, I'm pretty sure that's a dog."

Asked point blank if he knew anything about the Marvin and Wendy characters beyond what was shown in the picture, Shafer paused for several seconds and then admitted that didn't. "But I do know that the rights to the characters had lapsed, so I bought them," he added.

Shafer, who also plans to direct the film, says he had hoped to cast Zac Efron, most recently of The Lucky One, and Jennifer Lawrence of The Hunger Games as Marvin and Wendy, but negotiations have proven difficult, given that he did not know who their agents were. However, he said, "I do have tentative agreements from The Situation and Tara Reid," the latter of whom appeared in Shafer's Human Centipede sequel.

Shafer noted that Reid would satisfy his investors' concerns that the movie's Wendy be sufficiently well-endowed so as to fit in among the more modern, improbably busty superheroines. "We will not be making the same mistake as the Superman reboot, which critics and fanboys agreed suffered from a lack of bosoms," he said.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

At Large Fake News Wednesday: GOP Fears Illegals Will Hoard Asteroid Mining Jobs

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A proposal to begin mining asteroids for natural resources has GOP lawmakers up in arms over the prospect of illegal aliens taking asteroid mining jobs from Americans.

"It's grueling, dangerous and unappealing work - just the type of job that illegals will flock to," said Rep. Lamar Smith, a Texas Republican. "We should be shooting American minorities and welfare recipients into space, not criminal alien Mexicans.

"Er, or criminal alien Irish, Polish and Swedish people either," he added.

The group behind the asteroid mining plan includes Google executives Larry Page and Eric Schmidt; film director James Cameron; former Microsoft executive Charles Simonyi; and Bruno Tonioli, Dancing With The Stars judge and one-time presidential contender.

"Asteroid mining would be hot, it would be sexy - it would be like Armageddon Jiggy Wit It!" said Tonioli, rotating his midsection and crudely miming a hand-held jackhammer.

And Cameron, whose movie Avatar depicted a corporate venture to extract natural resources from another planet, noted the plan would continue his efforts to live out aspects of all of his films, such as when he undertook a pioneering deep-sea dive to the sunken Titanic, or had his skeleton replaced with indestructible metal, reportedly to take part in next year's Tour de France.

The group has yet to say whom their ideal asteroid miners would be, but Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) noted that mining nickel on an unstable rock hurtling through space may prove to be the type of job that "Americans just won't do."

"I don't care how many times they've seen Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck do it on TBS - we can't even get Americans to pick oranges," said Conyers.

"Dude, I need a job, but there is no [expletive] way I'm going to dig up some asteroid," said Josh Elkind, 21, who graduates from college this year. "What if I'm, like, off-planet when a new iPad comes out?"

Meanwhile, Rep. Elton Gallegly (R-CA) has proposed a bill he says will prevent illegal alien incursion into the fledgling asteroid mining industry and help solve another pervasive societal problem.

House Bill 3471 will require welfare recipients to serve at least six months asteroid mining before they can be issued an Electronic Benefit Transfer (EBT) card, explained Gallegly. "The bill also allows for funding for subsidized day-care centers on the asteroids, so single mothers can drop their kids off on their way into the space mines," he explained. As for safety, all day-care centers will be equipped with escape pods, he noted.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]