Wednesday, April 25, 2012

At Large Fake News Wednesday: GOP Fears Illegals Will Hoard Asteroid Mining Jobs

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A proposal to begin mining asteroids for natural resources has GOP lawmakers up in arms over the prospect of illegal aliens taking asteroid mining jobs from Americans.

"It's grueling, dangerous and unappealing work - just the type of job that illegals will flock to," said Rep. Lamar Smith, a Texas Republican. "We should be shooting American minorities and welfare recipients into space, not criminal alien Mexicans.

"Er, or criminal alien Irish, Polish and Swedish people either," he added.

The group behind the asteroid mining plan includes Google executives Larry Page and Eric Schmidt; film director James Cameron; former Microsoft executive Charles Simonyi; and Bruno Tonioli, Dancing With The Stars judge and one-time presidential contender.

"Asteroid mining would be hot, it would be sexy - it would be like Armageddon Jiggy Wit It!" said Tonioli, rotating his midsection and crudely miming a hand-held jackhammer.

And Cameron, whose movie Avatar depicted a corporate venture to extract natural resources from another planet, noted the plan would continue his efforts to live out aspects of all of his films, such as when he undertook a pioneering deep-sea dive to the sunken Titanic, or had his skeleton replaced with indestructible metal, reportedly to take part in next year's Tour de France.

The group has yet to say whom their ideal asteroid miners would be, but Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) noted that mining nickel on an unstable rock hurtling through space may prove to be the type of job that "Americans just won't do."

"I don't care how many times they've seen Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck do it on TBS - we can't even get Americans to pick oranges," said Conyers.

"Dude, I need a job, but there is no [expletive] way I'm going to dig up some asteroid," said Josh Elkind, 21, who graduates from college this year. "What if I'm, like, off-planet when a new iPad comes out?"

Meanwhile, Rep. Elton Gallegly (R-CA) has proposed a bill he says will prevent illegal alien incursion into the fledgling asteroid mining industry and help solve another pervasive societal problem.

House Bill 3471 will require welfare recipients to serve at least six months asteroid mining before they can be issued an Electronic Benefit Transfer (EBT) card, explained Gallegly. "The bill also allows for funding for subsidized day-care centers on the asteroids, so single mothers can drop their kids off on their way into the space mines," he explained. As for safety, all day-care centers will be equipped with escape pods, he noted.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

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