COLUMN: I’ll take my free iPad now

Regular readers of this column may recall how, in 2005, I made a very public request to the Apple Corporation to send me a free iPod. Their response was a deafening silence, which was better than the anticipated restraining order, but only marginally.

Eventually I had to break down and buy one, but I am undeterred and have decided to get back on the free portable electronics horse (let’s call him “Chippy”) and request that Apple send me a complimentary iPad, their hugely popular tablet computer. Sure, I know that everyone wants a free iPad, but it just so happens that I have a particularly urgent need for the device’s primary function, which is to make you look cooler than you actually are.

That’s a function I’ve always needed, actually, with the possible exception of the period when I was the lead singer in my high school’s most popular rockabilly band. Oh wait, that was just who I wanted to be … I was actually the dweeby guy in the corner whose persona could have desperately benefited from an iPad that Steve Jobs had beamed back to the 1980s from his revolving space station.

Ah, but you say the iPad’s purpose is not to make you look cool but rather to help you better experience the Web, e-mail, photos and video. “You,” of course, are Apple’s marketing department, because everybody knows the real, actual reason you get one is to pull it out at every opportunity — at work, in a bar, at a Red Sox game, during an “intimate moment” — and watch the jaws drop around you. If drool results in some quarters, all the better.

I base this theory at least partially on the new study by the Neilsen Company that says a full one-third of iPad users have never even downloaded an “app” (short for “Appolonia”) for the device. Yes, I know that Neilsen later issued a correction and stated the actual number of users who hadn’t downloaded apps was more like 9 percent, but we can presume that Steve Jobs’ goons got to them in the interim. (I doubt Neilsen could actually be that far off on anything, although it would explain the 1976 cancellation of “Holmes and Yo-Yo.”)

Besides, I don’t need a study to show why people buy iPads. Take the guy in Seattle (where else?) who last week asked President Obama to sign his iPad, clearly to one-up the crowd of caffeine-addled liberal hipsters (including President Obama) surrounding him. Of course, the fact that the president did it will probably give the GOP another excuse to label him as elitist and out of touch, unlike Sarah Palin, who, when presented with an iPad to sign, shot it from a helicopter.

I’m not saying using an iPad to be popular is a good thing — we all know that what people should really be doing with their iPads is reading newspapers, so that the industry doesn’t implode. It’s ironic that just like with an iPad, reading a newspaper in public also draws the attention of strangers, although they mostly just stare and prod, like they just spotted a long-extinct reptile.

So Apple, if you send me my free iPad, I promise to give you unlimited promotion in this publication and on my blog, which have a combined audience equal to the ratings of “Holmes and Yo-Yo,” as reported by Neilsen, who is, obviously, drunk. You can send it to me care of this newspaper, but make sure to put my name prominently on the package, because frankly I don’t trust all those sports editors who hang around near the mail cubbies.

Or if it’s easier, you can just beam it to me.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Study -- Office Workers Will Eat Literally Anything

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center shows that the average American office worker will eat anything put in front of him or her, as long as it's free of charge.

The study, conducted surreptitiously at more than 100 offices across the country, presented office workers with such meals as haggis, tripe and soft-boiled fetal duck, which is considered a delicacy in Vietnam and the Philippines. In each case, the meal was left in a well-traveled area - lunchroom, conference room, on a file cabinet, etc. - along with a sign such as Tripe - Please Eat!

"The results were fascinating," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Center. "No matter what the time of day, in every case, the dish was clean in less than an hour." Spitznagel noted that typically it took no longer than 15 minutes, but that a small lag time on the fetal duck skewed the average slightly.

In the second phase of the study, food was left without any type of identifying sign. "And we made sure it was also completely unrecognizable as foodstuff," said Dr. Spitznagel, noting that in one case they left a metal pot full of the pink meat paste used to make chicken nuggets - also known as mechanically separated poultry - along with a spoon and a stack of Styrofoam bowls.

"It was gone in an hour and a half," said Spitznagel.

The Pew study showed that employees in all professions were prone to eating food found around the office, although some were especially susceptible. For instance, print journalists were the most likely to suffer trample injuries while trying to beat their fellow workers to the last slice of crumb cake.

"Let's face it, we never know where our next meal is going to come from," said Karl Fender, a sports reporter for the Patriot Ledger in Quincy, Mass., where six employees have been hospitalized during free snack stampedes in the last year alone.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: A tribute to the tribute bands

As many people who know me can tell you, I’m something of a fan of one Mr. Bruce Springsteen. It’s not like I go around broadcasting it or anything — I just have all his albums, have seen him in concert 10 or 15 times, write a blog about his achievements and spend most of my off hours wearing a white muscle shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a folded bandana wrapped around my forehead.

OK, maybe that last one is a bit of an exaggeration (and he hasn’t worn the bandana since 1985, people — get over it!). Regardless, I’m not alone; almost 40 years into his career, Springsteen still has millions of fans who buy his albums, see his concerts and spend their Saturday nights in theaters and bars watching Bruce Springsteen impersonators. Well, in the case of that last thing, maybe it is just me.

Yes, I’ll admit it: I have seen more than one Springsteen “tribute act” in my day, and plan to do so again this weekend, when New Jersey’s own B Street Band comes to town. I do this with full knowledge that there are hundreds of artists out there performing original material, and that one of them might turn out to be the next Bruce Springsteen. And yet I choose to spend my time and money seeing someone intent on being the current Bruce Springsteen, and even that only if you drink enough and squint.

I can’t disagree that there’s something vaguely unseemly about the whole tribute act concept, which may have begun in the ’70s with “Beatlemania” — I didn’t see it, but I’m pretty sure it featured Beatles look-alikes preserved in amber for future cloning. Then came the Elvis impersonators, whose efforts may have culminated in the work of “El Vez,” the entertainer who bills himself as “the love child of Elvis and Charo.” I saw El Vez perform in a bar in Somerville, Mass. more than 15 years ago, which would seem to indicate that I might have some sort of deep-seated chronic problem.

From that point it was only a matter of time until the world welcomed the 23 pages (!) worth of tribute acts listed at tribute-band.com. Many of them imitate superstars of the ’70s and ’80s, which is understandable, since these days it’s very difficult to get a ticket to see, say, the actual 1974 lineup of Led Zeppelin. But a lot of them are less obvious — for instance, did you know there are at least five working bands that bill themselves as tributes to ’90s heavy metal act Tool? Suddenly, El Vez is probably sounding pretty good.

I realize it’s hard to justify spending my hard-earned concert budget on bands pretending to be other bands, but I can’t help it — I still got a tingly feeling when I heard that a Billy Joel impersonator might be playing about a quarter mile from my house later this fall. After all, if I went to see the real Billy Joel, I’d have to drive to Boston or Foxboro and pay a fortune, and then I’d have to watch the current Billy Joel, who despite all the money I spent on his albums didn’t have the decency to keep his hair. If he looks like that, how must I look?

And while modern Springsteen concerts are still as good as ever, when I go to see the B Street Band this weekend, I’ll be driving just a few minutes, have plenty of free parking and be up close and personal with the band, which is much tougher to pull off at Gillette Stadium. (At the B Street Band’s local show last year my wife wound up on stage with a tambourine during “Rosalita,” but I promised never to talk about it.)

If you’re still skeptical, I’ll make you a deal: I’ll go see the next big up-and-coming young original artist if you join us at the B Street Band concert this weekend. Call me stuck in the past or unhealthily Springsteen-obsessed, but I predict you’ll be holding up signs with requests on them and rushing the stage with your fist pumping to “Badlands” by the end of the night.

Although just in case, don’t forget drink and squint.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

Columbus wasn’t Italian? Oh, maron!

Poor Christopher Columbus. He used be so popular, but these days he can't seem to catch a break. He's sort of like David Hasselhoff in that way.

And as if it wasn't bad enough that the Columbus movie was scored by Van Gelis, and that when you Google "Columbus genocide" you get 567,000 hits, now it turns out that the beleaguered hero to many Italian-Americans might not even have been Italian. According to one historian, he was actually Portuguese.

“It’s very simple,” he said. “The Italian theory of so-called Columbus theory was started after Columbus died ... I examined document from Portuguese side and documents from the Italian side. The Italians are all false. You practically have to be blind to see the documents in which the defenders of the Italian theory (believe). It’s wrong. It’s false.”

Well, all I have to say is, he better not tell these guys (warning: Lots of F-bombs):

COLUMN: The Columbus you never knew

More than 500 years after his death, Christopher Columbus remains one of the most controversial figures in history. Some think of him as a great seaman, others as a ruthless imperialist, and still others as the reason we won’t get mail on Monday.

Thanks to an important recent discovery, however, there is no longer reason to conjecture. This newspaper has learned that the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem has found the long-lost diaries from Columbus’ initial voyage, hidden behind a box of old fans and a rare 17th century La-Z-Boy recliner.

But does the diary resolve all of those burning historical questions about Columbus, such as: Why would anybody wear tights on a ship? For answers, we turn to the following exclusive excerpts:

July 26, 1492 — Just a week to go until I embark on my expedition to find a western route to India. Starting to regret making this bet with King Ferdinand. Reminder to self: No more wine coolers at Isabella and Ferdinand’s mutton parties.

Most preparations are set, but we still can’t decide what to name the third boat; we’re down to either the Santa Maria or the Miss Behavin’. (“Miss Behavin’” — get it? Sometimes I crack myself up.)

Aug. 2, 1492 — Set sail from the port of Palos in southern Spain. Still annoyed at getting outvoted on the boat name.

I’m concerned that Martín (“Marty”) Pinzón, who’s captaining the Pinta, is plotting against me. I thought I saw him making rabbit ears behind my head when I addressed the crews before embarking. Also, when I stopped by my quarters before we left, I caught him trying on my hat.

I hope we get to India quickly, because I’ve got a hankering for some Pork Vindaloo.

Aug. 9, 1492 — Winds and repairs have grounded us on the Canary Islands. I’m sorry to have stopped so soon, but at least the canaries here are beautiful.

Sept. 8, 1492 — Am officially sick of the &%$@! canaries.

Oct. 6, 1492 — We’ve been off the Canary Islands for close to a month now, and the crew is starting to get a little restless. I’ve tried to keep them occupied with ongoing trivia contests, but let’s face it, it’s 1492 and not a heck of a lot has happened yet.

Every night I awake to what sounds like carousing below the decks of the nearby Pinta. I can’t shake the feeling that Marty sneaked some girls on there at the last stop. Meanwhile, I’m stuck with 47 guys nicknamed “Stumpy.”

Oct. 12, 1492 — At last, we arrived in India. We greeted the Indians warmly, although they seemed a bit confused by the whole thing.

Nov. 15, 1492 — Our travels down the coast are concerning me, since the coastline doesn’t seem to match up with any of my maps. Also, where are all the silk salesmen? Could it be this is not India we’ve found at all, but some … new world?

Naaah.

Nov. 22, 1492 — Woke to find Marty and the Pinta sailing off on their own without permission. Word among the crew has it that he set off in search of gold; I suspect he’s grown fed up with my mandatory nightly sing-alongs. Either way, he’s out of this week’s drawing for a free scurvy screening.

Dec. 25, 1492 — A very depressing Christmas. For one, the Santa Maria grounded on a reef yesterday and today sank into the ocean. Also, the men gave me socks again.

As the Pinta deserted us and the Nina can’t fit the remaining crew, we’ll have to leave some men behind on a nearby island. To help pass the time, I’ve suggested that they vote one person off the island at the end of each week. Whoever’s left at the end will get 100 lira and a subscription to “Navigation Monthly.”

Jan. 6, 1493 — Came across Marty and the Pinta further down the coast. He claimed that his directions said to turn left when we hit India. I asked to see them but he said they were unfortunately eaten by a giant tortoise.

March 15, 1493 — Back in Spain at last! But was the first of my four expeditions the success I had hoped for? And more importantly, will I ever get a day named after me? Time will tell, but with the last seven months still fresh in my mind, I can say one thing for certain:

These tights are killing me.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. This “Best of Chianca” column is from 2000. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Lawsuits Put Damper On 'Thresh Your Own Grain'

WAKEFIELD, N.H. (CAP) - Several lawsuits are threatening the popular "Thresh Your Own Grain" practice and other participatory activities at family farms, say local farmers.

Allowing visitors to use high-powered industrial threshers to separate large amounts of grain from stalks and husks has been the latest attempt on the part of struggling family farms to stay solvent. It follows promotions allowing guests to pick their own fruits and vegetables, shear their own sheep and spread their own manure.

"It's actually kind of amazing what affluent suburbanites will pay to do," said Tom Halverston of the National Farmers Union. "The irony is, we were getting to the point where we couldn't even get illegal Mexicans to do this stuff."

But the recent lawsuits could put an end to the practices, say industry experts.

"I know my client assumed threshing would be perfectly safe," said Mark Robertson, attorney for Karl Frankenheimer, a Massachusetts man who suffered several puncture wounds at Apple Time Farms in Wakefield, N.H., when he stuck his buttocks into the thresher "as a gag."

But farmers are saying the lawsuits are frivolous, and that allowing visitor participation has made all the difference in helping them stay afloat. "We've really cut costs since we've been able to stop doing most of the work ourselves, not to mention getting people to pay to do it for us," noted Robert "Farmer Bob" Isaacson of Cider Side Farms in Greenwood Village, Colo.

"It's not like we're not careful - there's a sign right there," he added, motioning to a hand-painted notice reading Warning: Thresher Sharp! along with a stick figure who appears to have lost a limb.

"The last thing these small family farms need is another obstacle to success," said singer and Farm Aid co-founder John Mellencamp, who debuted his new tribute song, Rain On The Thresher, at the latest Farm Aid concert, which was attended by more than three dozen people at a parking lot in Muncie, Ind. The song includes the lyrics:

Rain on the thresher, blood on the plow
My pumpkins have gone mushy and I'm down to my last cow
Son, I'm just sorry these stupid tourists keep threshing themselves, ow!

His fellow Farm Aid founder Willie Nelson was unavailable for comment, having been arrested for threshing under the influence at a pro-farmer rally in Ashwaubenon, Wis.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Resistance to Star Trek Cruise is futile

There are certain things people think when watching “Star Trek.” Things like, “Why are all those people wearing pajamas?” and “Why can’t the Army be more like Starfleet?” and “Why don’t any of the women I meet ever return my calls?” And then there are the people who think, “If I could just go on a cruise with the guy who played the Emergency Medical Hologram on ‘Star Trek: Voyager,’ my life would be complete.” This column is for you.

Because I received a press release recently with the following subject line: “SIRTIS, DE LANCIE, PICARDO, RODDENBERRY AND MASTERSON SET TO SET SAIL ON STAR TREK CRUISE 2010!” I love how they list those names as if I would have any idea that they were referring to Troi, Q, the Emergency Medical Hologram, Gene Roddenberry’s son and Leeta from “Deep Space Nine.” Um … I just, uh, looked those up on Wikipedia.

OK, so maybe I have watched a Trek or two or 10 over the years, and once attended a Star Trek convention (for work!), and saw “Star Trek VI” in Times Square the night it opened with a friend who was wearing a Picard uniform complete with chirping combadge (and whom I will not name in case he never mentioned that to his now-wife, who would probably disappear in the night). But that doesn’t mean I would want to spend an entire week on a Star Trek-themed cruise, unless the only other option was a Disney cruise; I think either Goofy or me would wind up going overboard, and between us, it wouldn’t be me.

Here’s how I picture a Star Trek Cruise: sort of like a regular cruise, except instead of bathing suits the passengers are wearing Starfleet uniforms, walking around the lido deck chirping their combadges and giving each other the Vulcan hand salute. OK, I know not everybody would be dressed like that — some would be dressed as Commissioner Bele from “Star Trek: TOS” Season 3, Episode 14, “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.” Um … I just, uh, looked that up on … Oh, never mind.

But just when I thought I might be jumping to conclusions, I visited the Star Trek Cruise website, and it pretty much confirms that I was dead on — the main photo features an entire staircase full of pale people, some of them in costume, with fingers parted proudly in the traditional Vulcan manner. They all look completely at home, with the exception of one African-American guy in the corner with an “I’m So Street” T-shirt giving the gangster sideways peace sign. He looks like he was beamed there from some other, much hipper, cruise.

I guess I have to give the Star Trek stars credit for getting (literally) on board with this, no matter how much they may be getting paid. At least a Star Trek convention has a back door — here the only options for getting away from overzealous Trekkies are the lifeboats, or swimming to San Juan. And I can imagine how fans must react to Chase Masterson, who, in addition to being a Star Trek regular, was named one of the world’s “50 Sexiest Women” by Femme Fatales Magazine. The typical exchange probably goes something like this:

Chase Masterson: Nice to meet you! Are you a fan of the show?

Trekkie: [head explodes like the Klingon mining moon Praxis in “Star Trek VI”]

Still, you’ve got to admire the Trekkies for having the courage of their convictions. I’ll never forget when I went to that Star Trek convention (for work!) and saw someone buying an official deluxe Starfleet uniform. The guy behind the table asked him, “What rank?” and he responded, “Um … lieutenant commander?” Hey buddy, it’s your 60 bucks — go for captain!

People who take their entertainment that seriously probably have some serious fun when they get together for a week on the high seas. True, if you haven’t spent at least some mental energy during the last 20 years grappling with the question of Kirk vs. Picard, it may not be your thing. But if it is, you’d do a lot worse than spending a week with like-minded individuals in matching pajamas, hobnobbing with sort-of space celebrities — especially once that blue Romulan Ale starts flowing.

At least we know if things get out of hand, there’s an Emergency Medical Hologram in the house.

***

Note: I have been informed by reader "NXO1" of the following: "Cute article... However, being a Trek fan yourself, you should've known that the 'African-American guy in the corner' who 'looks like he was beamed there from some other, much hipper, cruise' is ANTHONY MONTGOMERY -- i.e., Ensign Travis Mayweather, series regular on Star Trek: Enterprise! He's one of the celebrity guests, not one of the fans! " Hmm ... Why do I feel better about myself for NOT knowing that?

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Senate Republicans Suggest All-Gay Battalion

WASHINGTON (CAP) - With Republicans in the Senate last week shooting down the appropriations bill that would have repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) is proposing a compromise he's hoping both parties can get behind: an all-gay battalion.

"Everybody knows that having homosexuals serving alongside regular straight Christian soldiers gives those normal soldiers the heebie-jeebies," said Chambliss. "And soldiers with heebie-jeebies is bad for national security, probably."

Chambliss - who found himself under fire last week when an anti-gay slur posted on a gay issues blog was traced to his office - says a gay battalion would be "a fine compromise in terms of allowing homosexual Americans who want to serve in the military for some reason a way to do that, without the rest of the soldiers having to worry about being snorkeled."

When asked what he meant by "snorkeled," Chambliss said he was referring to the activity former Democratic Congressman Eric Massa was accused of performing on his Navy subordinates, "in a way that defiles the fine tradition of recreational underwater viewing."

"I haven't been able to look at the loggerhead turtles off the coast of Jekyll Island the same way since," Chambliss said.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, immediately got behind the gay battalion suggestion. "I wish they had one of those when I was in the service," said McConnell. "Um, not because I would have wanted to serve in it. Because I'm not a homosexual.

"No matter what you may read on the Internet," he added.

Outside the Senate, the suggestion has been met with mixed reviews. Pop singer Lady Gaga, who has campaigned for months to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," said that gay servicemen and women needed to be allowed to be "out and proud" in any division of the armed services, "like those soldiers in Afghanistan who remade my Telephone video," she said.

"Geez, we are not gay!" said Sgt. Aaron Filcher, who directed the video, which went viral last spring. "Can't a bunch of soldiers living in tight quarters film themselves dancing in unison while dressed as Lady Gaga and Beyonce without being assumed to be gay?"

He added that he thought having a gay battalion would be "simply fabulous."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: It’s Fred vs. Pee Wee Herman — to the death!

I spent a good chunk of my Saturday night watching “Fred the Movie” on the Nickelodeon channel. I’d say that it was two hours I’ll never get back, except I have a feeling they will return someday, if there is really such a place as hell.

For the uninformed among you — e.g., those of you without kids between 9 and 14, whoever you are — Fred is the “YouTube sensation” known for his squeaky voice and manic delivery, and the screaming … Good God, the screaming. I could try to explain further, but instead you should probably just click on this link and watch. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

OK, now that you’ve seen Fred for yourself, you’re probably having difficulty reading this column because you’ve been distracted by the blood coming out of your eardrums.

What you might not know, though, is that as originally devised by young creator Lucas Cruikshank, Fred was supposed to be 6 years old, which would (sort of) explain why he acts like he just ingested a barrel full of sugar cubes. But in “Fred the Movie” he’s been aged to 15 without changing his behavior, making it feel like you’re watching a mentally challenged person humiliate himself for two hours. In other words, it’s exactly like every other show on Nickelodeon.

I watched it because I wanted to interpret it for my kids, who are 9 and 11; I ruin a lot of their entertainment for them in this way, because that’s my job. And I’ll admit there were a few funny moments, including some with John Cena, the professional wrestler who plays Fred’s (imaginary?) father and has a habit of picking him up and smashing him against coffee tables, in a supportive kind of way.

But I couldn’t help but wonder: Has there ever been a mainstream children’s movie with so much vomit in it? Somehow I can’t picture Walt Disney looking at the rough cut of “Mary Poppins” and declaring, “It needs more heaving!” “The Parent Trap,” maybe.

Now, you might say Fred is just this generation’s Pee Wee Herman, Paul Reubens’ manic man-child of the 1980s. This is an assertion to which there is only one possible logical response: I served with Pee Wee Herman; I knew Pee Wee Herman; and Fred … I know you are but what am I! Heh… That never gets old.

For one thing, Pee Wee was the master of his domain (so to speak): He lived in a cool house all by himself, had awesome contraptions, a great bicycle and seemed like a generally well-respected member of his community, as evidenced by the fact that James Brolin wound up playing him in the movie within the movie. And he had no trouble hitchhiking to the Alamo to find his missing bike, whereas Fred can barely get up the nerve to take a bus across town to visit Judy, the “girlfriend” whom he spends the entire movie stalking — he’s sort of like DeNiro in “Taxi Driver,” if DeNiro were a chipmunk.

The way I see it, Pee Wee at least had some panache, in that he didn’t vomit on anyone, much less the girl he was in love with, and his movie didn’t end with him making a YouTube video where everybody vomits, thus somehow making him the most popular kid in school and the apple of the formerly vomit-covered girl’s eye. Yet this (spoiler alert!) is how “Fred the Movie” ended, leading me to wonder: I made it all the way to the end?

But after suffering through it, I figured I needed to at least turn it into a teachable moment for my kids, so as to completely erase any fond feelings they still might have harbored about the evening. So I put on “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure,” and guess what? My son said he found it “even funnier than Fred.”

I know he was probably just trying to humor me, but after two hours of bodily excretion jokes, I say I deserve his pity.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

COLUMN: Killer robots are lying in wait

My readers are always saying to me, “Pete, why do you keep writing about robots when there is actual news going on in the world, like Paris Hilton getting arrested?” And my response is always the same: “Where did you get this number?”

But the real reason I keep writing about robots is because scientists, who have apparently never seen even a single “Terminator” movie, keep doing robot-related things that seem destined to bring about the end of humanity as we know it. It’s like they’re in some kind of twisted competition with the guys in the next lab developing the deadly strains of bacteria.

In the latest incident, researchers at the Georgia Institute of Technology have apparently come up with a robot that can convincingly lie to you. It seems robots have to be taught this behavior, unlike, say, teenagers, who do it naturally as a defense mechanism. But just because we can teach a robot to lie, does that mean we should? Isn’t that sort of like training a pit bull to distract you with gooey puppy-dog eyes right before it chews your arm off?

But the Georgia scientists apparently see a need for lying robots. For instance, they say a medical robot with a badly injured patient might need to avoid saying something thruthful that would cause the person to panic (“Sir, the possibility of you surviving this mishap is approximately 3,720 to 1,” etc.). Or a spy robot might have to deceive an enemy into thinking it’s a simple peasant girl, or a can opener.

But never fear, one of the developers told Science Daily: “Most social robots will probably rarely use deception.” Of course, that’s what they said about Paris Hilton.

I know there are those out there who think I’m just overreacting, like that time I launched a campaign to ban the word “poop.” (Turns out there are worse words your kid could be saying — who knew?) But before you dismiss my concerns, you should try doing a Google News search for “robots,” keeping in mind that doing so will automatically register you in the Google Robot database, making you one of the first people the robots round up after they mobilize.

Here are just a few recent news stories that pop up:

· The one about the $400,000 robot that can fold your laundry, even though for that price you can hire a human to do it, or even several dozen humans. You know people are upset about illegal aliens when they’re willing to pay $400,000 for a robot to do the work Americans won’t do.

· The one about the artificial “e-skin” that will allow robots to “feel,” in addition to hiding their metal endoskeleton and glowing red eyeballs from their human prey until it’s too late. I’m extrapolating a little for that last part.

· The one about newly developed robot snakes that come with flashlights and hidden cameras, which sounds fine until one is working you down its metallic gullet before ejecting you as bio-pellets.

With that in mind, I plan to keep pounding the killer robot drum until someone listens to me, or until we’re all working in forced robot labor camps, which I realize is probably more likely to happen first. (Never tell me the odds!) In the meantime, we can only hope someone actually comes up with a robot that can do something useful for humanity.

Turning Paris Hilton into bio-pellets might be a good start.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Obama Glad Pastor Didn't Burn "My Beloved Quran"

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what some are calling a telling slip of the tongue, President Barack Obama Saturday thanked Gainesville, Fla. Minister Terry Jones for "not burning my beloved Quran, the true compilation of the verbal revelations given to the Holy Prophet Muhammad."

He then paused for a moment and added, "Did I just say that out loud?"

Not surprisingly, Obama backtracked the next day, telling reporters he was just referring to the Quran's importance to the Muslim religion, and not to his personal feelings about the book. "I certainly don't ritually wash before I read it," he noted. "Um, when I read it, that is. Which is never."

He then pulled a copy of the King James Bible out of his desk drawer, and said, "If you don't believe me, I'll swear on a stack of these things - this holy book revered and read daily by us, you know, Christians."

When reporters noted the Bible was still sealed in its plastic wrapper, Obama abruptly stopped taking questions, knelt on his hands and knees on the small rug in front of his desk to "find a lost contact lens," muttered what some believe sounded like "Glory to my Lord Allah, the Most High Most Praiseworthy," and left the room hurriedly.

"This is no mere slip of the tongue - the president's statement showed his true colors," said conservative commentator Glenn Beck. "By which I mean black, in an Arab-y kind of way."

Beck, who recently held his "Restoring Honor" rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., noted that he did not burn any Qurans at his event. "Because frankly I didn't think of it," he said, breaking down in a steady stream of tears and sobs for several minutes.

Obama's comments come in the wake of the weeks-long controversy over the Rev. Terry Jones' plans to burn Qurans on Sept. 11 at his Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville. Jones scrapped the event at the last minute after a slew of calls asking him not to burn the books, including ones from U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates, former President Jimmy Carter, actress and U.N. Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie and hotel heiress Paris Hilton, although "We're pretty sure Hilton was just trying to score some coke," said Cpl. Tscharna Senn of the Gainesville Police Department.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Welcome to middle school -- now sign here and behave!

Dear Students and Their Parents:

Welcome to middle school! We hope you have a successful and productive academic career here, by which we mean one in which we don’t have to deal with you very often.

Several parents have asked us about the unfortunate incident last year involving Mr. Crenshaw and the unauthorized use of Bunsen burners by some now-former students. We’re happy to report that Mr. Crenshaw has completely healed, and we’re told he’s started a very satisfying new career in air traffic control.

However, we would like to make it known that we will not tolerate similar behavior this year. Ideally, we would enforce this through additional staff, including a contingent of seven to 12 trained psychologists, some of them armed. However, as budget considerations prohibit such expenditures, we instead are asking all students and their parents to sign the following academic and behavioral contract, as if that will work.

1) Behavior. I, the undersigned, promise to engage only in behavior conducive to a productive learning environment. Although I may be tempted, if I am a girl, to mercilessly target the self-esteem of other, less confident girls I deem to be a threat to my own personal social status, or if I am a boy, to loudly flaunt my bodily noises, I promise not to indulge in these activities until after school, while I’m texting incessantly at Dunkin’ Donuts and not ordering anything.

2) Dress. I, the undersigned, promise to dress in such a way as to not distract from the academic atmosphere. This means no shirts depicting inappropriate language, politically incorrect language, political messages, apolitical messages, flags of any nation, corporate logos, weapons, food, 1970s cartoon characters or Justin Bieber. Also, if I am a girl, I will wear nothing that reveals skin below the neck or above the wrists or a bodily shape that doesn’t resemble a sack of loose sand. And if I am a boy, I promise not to loudly flaunt my bodily noises. (Not dress-related, but worth repeating.)

3) Science safety. I, the undersigned, acknowledge that for some reason, school administration has deemed it appropriate for me to handle open flames, potentially dangerous chemicals, razor-sharp knives and animal carcasses, even though I have yet to master the ability to scrape the food off my breakfast plate before putting it into the sink. With that in mind, I promise not to engage in horseplay during science classes, except maybe with the animal carcasses, which, if I am a boy, will be too hard to resist. And if I am a girl, I promise not to target the animal carcasses’ self-esteem.

4. Athletics. I, the undersigned, promise always to engage in good sportsmanship on the field of play and to embrace the competitive spirit in a productive way that encourages personal growth over simply winning for winning’s sake. Unless we’re playing those stuck-up jerks from the next town over, in which case we need to win at any cost or you’re off the team, got it? We never had this conversation.

5. Parents. I, the parent of the undersigned, promise to ensure that my child gets to school on time, does his or her assignments and comes home to a secure and supportive environment. I will make this a priority even though it may interfere with my work and/or social engagements, along with … Wait a minute, I just need to check my Blackberry. (Sorry, I’ve got to take this. Just go play Xbox for a while.)

In conclusion, students, we’re confident that adherence to these agreed-upon measures will ensure a productive, high-self-esteem, bodily-noise-free academic year for you and your peers. Meanwhile, if you or your parents have any questions or concerns, please feel free to leave a message with your principal. He will get back to you as soon as he returns from air traffic control school.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Microsoft's Allen Sues For Being Less Cool Than Apple

SAN FRANCISCO (CAP) - Microsoft Corp. co-founder and billionaire Paul Allen is suing over a dozen major companies, including tech giants Google Inc. and Apple Inc., alleging that they used his Web technology to become much cooler than anyone ever considered him.

"It's not fair!" said Allen. "Everybody thinks Google and Apple are so cool and everything, but I'm the one who came up with all that browsing and e-commerce technology that makes everybody all like, Wow, Google is so awesome. How come nobody ever says I'm awesome?

"Um ... And when I say 'I,' I of course mean the Microsoft Corp.," he clarified.

The lawsuit also names AOL, eBay, Facebook, Netflix, Office Depot, OfficeMax, Staples, Yahoo, YouTube, Kenmore, Waring, Ford Motor Co., Coca-Cola, Hostess, Marvel Comics, Nike, Stop & Shop and Ronco, among several others.

"Ronco in particular really irks me," said Allen. "Like, Ron Popeil expects people to believe he came up with that 5-Tray Electric Food Dehydrator by himself? I mean, puh-lease.

"Without the use of my company's food dehydration technology, his customers would never be able to make delicious beef jerky right inside their own homes, nuh-uh," said Allen.

Allen is also suing organizations he claims appropriated his technology for use in digital film production (Lucasfilm), global positioning (U.S. Air Force), stain and odor removal (Bissell), and the Gillette Fusion razor.

"That fifth blade? All me," said Allen, jutting out his noticeably clean-shaven chin. "That's worth, like, at least a billion right there alone."

Allen's critics say the suit has no merit, and is only the latest example of a long string of "lame attempts to convince people he's not a nerd," says Apple C.O.O. Tim Cook.

"This is a man who's a billionaire and who owns the Seattle Seahawks, and people are still giving him wedgies and stepping on his glasses - I mean regularly," claims Cook, citing Seahawks defensive end Kentwan Balmer as one example.

"Hey, he named his asset management company Vulcan Inc.," responded Balmer in his own defense. "That's just asking for wedgies."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Admit it — you wanna 'Piranha'

The other day, my son saw the commercial for Piranha 3D and had exactly the reaction you’d expect from a 9-year-old boy: “I WANT TO SEE THAT!” And I had the response required from said boy’s 42-year-old father, namely, “Absolutely not. It’s completely inappropriate.” By which I of course meant, “I WANT TO SEE THAT!”

“Inappropriate” is one of those catch-all words we parents use when we mean, “This is something I’d rather put off discussing as long as possible.” But in the case of Piranha 3D — which, judging from the trailer, consists primarily of people in tiny bathing suits being eaten in extreme close-up by prehistoric fish — the word seems entirely, well, appropriate. It looks like a movie that is completely inappropriate for viewing by almost everybody.

So why is my gut reaction to run down to my local IMAX and plunk down 15 bucks? After all, I consider myself a student of the cinema. I’ve paid to watch foreign films — with subtitles, not the dubbed kind where someone steps on Tokyo. Once I even went to a library to watch De Sica’s The Garden of the Finzi-Continis, a movie in which not a single person was skeletonized in 3-D.

Maybe I should blame the cheesy horror films of my childhood — for instance, I remember spending one particular Saturday afternoon glued to Kingdom of the Spiders (1977), a movie in which William Shatner and nobody else you’ve ever heard of are eaten by tarantulas. The movie did not have a happy ending for anybody except Shatner, who released Star Trek: The Motion Picture two years later and immediately removed this from his resume.

It was terrible, and yet I still remember it 30 years later as if I had seen it yesterday, whereas plenty of other “better” movies I saw back then have completely deserted my memory. You know, movies like The Black Stallion (1979), which got four stars from Roger Ebert and I think may have featured a horse, and possibly Mickey Rooney. I guarantee that if either of those characters had been eaten by a spider or a prehistoric piranha, I would recall that movie much better today.

The way I see it, as long as they’re not too exploitative (apologies to Roger Corman), creature features provide some much-needed mindless scares, and at least have the courage of their convictions. For instance, Entertainment Weekly reports that the makers of Piranha 3D used a tanker truck to fill an Arizona lake with at least (at least!) 7,000 gallons of fake blood, which we can only presume is still being cleaned off the fake turtles and pelicans.

Granted, I’ll admit that when I do happen to watch one of these movies now, I can’t help but see them through the eyes of a jaded adult. You’re supposed to revel in the untimely demises of the principal characters at the hands (teeth, claws, appendages) of whatever creature the filmmakers have dreamed up, but that’s harder once you’ve left your callow youth — these days I can’t help but think of the poor state trooper who has to knock on some lady’s door and tell her that her husband was eaten by a fish.

But even if they’re better for the young, 9 is probably a little too young for many of these flicks. I can only imagine if I took my son to Piranha 3D he’d wind up like the kids of a friend of mine — she gave in and let them watch Jaws recently, and now not only won’t they go in the ocean, they won’t sleep in their own beds, out of fear of land sharks. Also, bringing a 9-year-old to Piranha 3D would probably trigger a DSS investigation, and rightly so.

But I’m willing to compromise. Maybe we can settle on something with a little less carnage, like Gremlins (the little pointy-eared creatures movie) or Tremors (the giant worm movie). Or even Kingdom of the Spiders — believe it or not, they have it on Netflix.

I wonder if Shatner knows about that?

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Grizzly Attack Blamed On 'Yogi Bear' Movie

TETON COUNTY, Wyo. (CAP) - The grizzly bear that attacked three campers in Yellowstone National Park last week had just seen a special sneak preview of the upcoming Yogi Bear feature film, according to park officials.

The park had hosted an outdoor screening for campers of the first 30 minutes of the upcoming Warner Brothers film, featuring Dan Aykroyd as the voice of Yogi and Justin Timberlake as his sidekick, Boo-Boo. Several campers and the park's certified wildlife biologist, Terry McKinney, reported spotting a grizzly bear and her three cubs looking at the screen from a nearby hill.

"At first it was cute, like they were really watching the movie," said camper Fred Schafer, 49, of Addison, Wisc. "But then the big one got this look on her face ... I can only describe it as disgust."

A bear matching the same description attacked the campers later that night, and according to McKinney, " it's possible that the bear found the movie, in human terms, offensive to her. You know, as a an actual bear, one that doesn't wear a hat and tie."

"I mean, have you seen the previews?" asked McKinney, referring to the trailer in which a computer-generated Yogi Bear dances to pop music and tries to steal a lunchbox from the live-action Ranger Smith, played by Tom Cavanaugh of TV's Ed. "I'm just a biologist, and it made me want to maul somebody."

If McKinney's theory proves true, it wouldn't be the first time animals were moved to disturbing behavior by their portrayal on the big screen. At a 2005 outdoor screening in Newburyport, Mass. of Valiant - the World War II carrier pigeon movie featuring the voices of Ewan McGregor and Ricky Gervais - the event ended abruptly when hundreds of pigeons defecated on the crowd, sending children screaming and running for cover.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: When in doubt, blame Google

Like most people, I spend much of my time trying to determine whom I should blame for all my various problems. It can be tough, since there are so many options to choose from, such as the government, Wall Street and/or Mel Gibson. All are tempting, but I’ve decided to pick Google.

I’d like to say that’s an original idea, but I have to give credit to Lauren Rosenberg of Park City, Utah. She’s the woman who sued Google after Google’s walking directions advised her to walk on a highway with no sidewalks, and she was promptly run over. On the plus side, that happened before Google got the chance to tell her to jump off a bridge, just like her mother always warned her it would.

Yes, you might assume a thinking, breathing human being would realize the directions were problematic when she got to the highway and the only sign of non-automotive life was a flattened hedgehog. But clearly you are forgetting that we live in a country where strollers carry a warning label that reads (really) “remove child before folding.” And actually, the Google directions do carry a warning, but apparently Rosenberg couldn’t read it on her Blackberry, possibly because she was texting at the time. (“On a hiway, WTF? Agh!” etc.)

So until Google figures out some more appropriate warnings (“CAUTION: You are going to get run over”) I’m having my attorney file a series of lawsuits aimed at seeking restitution for the hardships I’ve suffered, much like Lauren Rosenberg, because of the company’s negligence. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1) Chianca v. Google Maps. “My client alleges that checking the mileage between each turn forced him to do math while driving, which studies have shown to be dangerously distracting. Also, he had trouble reading the directions because he had spilled his latte on them, causing the ink to run. He is suing for the funds to replace his neighbor’s mailbox, which he ran over, and also to replace his latte.”

2) Chianca v. Google Image Search. “My client alleges that while doing research into the 1980s pop group Kajagoogoo, he accidentally searched for images of Lady Gaga, causing severe emotional distress and a disturbing compulsion to wear soda cans in his hair. He also alleges that the images of Kajagoogoo were only marginally less harrowing. He is suing for $3 million to have his memory erased.”

3) Chianca v. Google Videos. “My client alleges that in searching for video footage of former NFL tackle Fred Smerlas, Google Videos turned up clips of manic, squirrel-voiced YouTube icon Fred Figglehorn, resulting in hearing loss and fear of tousled hair. Even though my client searched only for ‘Fred,’ he alleges that Google should have known he was searching for Fred Smerlas because, come on, it’s Smerlas. He is suing for $5 million and an authentic 1989 Buffalo Bills jersey.”

4) Chianca v. Google Blog Search. “My client alleges that a Google blog search for ‘Barack Obama’ turned up more than 400,000 blogs comparing Obama to Hitler, Stalin, Osama Bin Laden and pre-socialist radical Gerrard Winstanley. When my client brought up these views at a cocktail party among his liberal friends, they shunned him and burned his ascot with their patchouli incense. He is suing for $1 million for emotional distress, and a new ascot.”

5) Chianca v. Google Products. “My client alleges that Google Products exposed him to merchandise well beyond his ability to afford, resulting in extreme and unanticipated debt. He is suing for funds to pay for the items purchased, including a 72-inch HDTV ($1,499), a Brunswick pool table ($2,999) and a Jura-Capresso Impressa Z6 Automatic Coffee and Latte Maker ($3,229). Especially that last one.”

That’s it so far, but I’m sure I can come up with a few others — and I figure if I can follow Rosenberg’s lead and get these into court fast enough, I can collect before Google gets its act together in the disclaimer department. Otherwise I might have to find someone else to sue.

I’m thinking Mel Gibson is probably my best bet.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Wedneday: Westboro Protesters Don Bikinis, Tights At Comic-Con

SAN DIEGO (CAP) - More than 100 protesters from the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church converted to the "dark side" while protesting this year's Comic-Con event, trading their fanny packs and "GOD HATES AMERICA" t-shirts for metal bikinis and bright red tights.

"I can't believe I ever had a problem with these people," said Shirley Phelps-Roper of Topeka, Kansas, daughter of the church's founder, Fred Phelps, and organizer of the Comic-Con protest. "I would have done this years ago if I knew it felt this good to wear a Wonder Woman bustier.

"Er, I mean in public," she added.

The controversial church is best known for protesting against homosexuals, and had announced that Comic-Con, which spotlights the latest in comic books and science fiction/fantasy entertainment, was a natural target.

"A God-fearing heterosexual person wouldn't be caught dead in form-fitting Spandex tights that show off the bulges of their nether regions," said Fred Phelps prior to the protest. "And we all know about what's going on between Batman and Robin, whom God hates."

But many of the protesters have apparently reconsidered, putting down their "GOD HATES NERDS" signs and picking up Superman capes and Jedi robes at the urging of the science fiction fans in attendance.

"Comic-Con is all about fun and love and individuality, not hate," noted Sarah Milbaum, one of over 300 women at the convention dressed as "Slave Leia" in a gold metal bikini. "Gay, straight, bi ... As long as you have a slavish, possibly socially isolating devotion to something geeky, you're welcome."

Then, in an effort to show solidarity with the gays and lesbians who've been targets of Westboro protests, Milbaum tried to make out with another Slave Leia, Lisa Funkhauser, but the two wound up bumping heads instead.

"That's what I get for not wearing my glasses!" declared Milbaum, emitting a braying laugh not unlike Arnold Horshack from the 1970s television series Welcome Back, Kotter.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Bristol Palin Dumps Levi For Old Spice Guy

WASILLA, ALASKA (CAP) - In what appears to be the result of a bizarre misunderstanding, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol - fresh off her reconciliation with her baby's father, Levi Johnston - has dumped Levi in favor of Isaiah Mustafa, a.k.a. the Old Spice Guy.

"I thought I still loved Levi, but after finding out that Old Spice Guy was interested in me ... like, it's all I've been able to think about," Bristol Palin told US Weekly. "Of all the big black men I've been with, he's definitely the hottest."

But apparently Bristol's impression that Mustafa had feelings for her resulted from her misinterpretation of a recent Old Spice Guy video, one of many spoof clips directed at both celebrities and fans.

"In response to Bristol Palin's Tweet about my pectoral muscles ... Well, hello Bristol Palin," says Mustafa in the video, wearing only his trademark white towel. "I too admire my pectoral muscles, but not as much as I admire your sexy aura, which shines brighter than the hottest sun. Please know that I consider you among my dearest and closest Internet friends, and I will love you, always." Then he beats a pinata with a petrified fresh-water fish.

"He put it right out on YouTube for everyone to see," Palin told US, clearly swooning. "I can't wait to start making little brown babies with him."

According to sources close to the Palin family, Sarah Palin was originally relieved to hear Bristol had dumped Levi for the Old Spice Guy, but she had apparently been thinking of the Old Spice sailor from the company's 1971 television commercial.

"Oh, he was one sexy sailor man, you betcha," wrote Palin in her syndicated newspaper column. "He reminded me of Todd but with more hair, and ya know, more knotical [sic], like."

Friends of Palin indicated that she'd still prefer the new Old Spice Guy over Johnston, and has resolved that if Bristol and Old Spice Guy are to marry, she's prepared to just pretend that he's "very tan."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Kids force you to face the music

If you’ve ever been the parent of a toddler, you’ve probably experienced the urge to take Barney the Dinosaur, or each member of The Wiggles, or that marginal singer who took the gig singing “99 Favorite Nursery Rhymes” to keep from starving, and smother them to death under a Dora the Explorer pillow. Never fear: It’s very common, and no jury in the land would convict you.

It’s tempting to count the minutes until your kids grow out of the phase when this kind of music is their main entertainment option, but as more experienced parents will always tell you, you shouldn’t rush things — first of all, it won’t be long before every look they give you betrays their belief that their actual parents had been forced to sell them as babies to a roving pack of simpletons.

And in this case, beware that Barney the Dinosaur gives way to the likes of Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez. If you don’t know who these two are, picture the Stepford children that used to hang around with Barney, and then imagine them as if they went through the trampy makeover that Olivia Newton-John got at the end of “Grease.”

If you’re like me, you may have had this misguided idea that as your kids’ musical tastes began to mature, they’d switch to genres you’d find more palatable in your car or household — maybe even including some of the contents of your own music collection. Surely all those years of playing Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel or progressive rock from the early 1970s had an effect on them, at least subconsciously.

And it turns out you were right: It caused them to hate it.

Sure, I see people with their 8-year-olds at Springsteen concerts now, but they’re the exception; I suspect they’re part of some obscure Mormon splinter sect practicing their brainwashing techniques. Most kids are probably like mine, who view the idea of a Springsteen concert as a sort of sixth circle of hell, like the island in “Pinocchio” where the kids get turned into donkeys.

No, instead they’ve somehow gotten into their heads a penchant for bubblegum pop and dance music. I can blame my daughter’s affection for Miley on Disney’s ubiquitous marketing machine — after all, I’m just one man. But how both she and my son fell for the Black Eyed Peas is beyond me; I rarely let them listen to Kiss 108 for more than the minute it takes to figure out we’re listening to a song about some activity I don’t even want my kids to know exists until they’re in their 20s.

The also don’t get the idea of volume — not loudness, but capacity. I recently helped my daughter load her new iPod Nano, which holds 2,000 songs, and she was extremely picky about which tracks to include.

“Why would I want to put on a whole bunch of songs I’ll never listen to?” she asked.

“That’s the whole idea!” I responded, waving the sleek purple device in front of her face. “The whole point of the iPod is to have hundreds of songs you’ll never listen to! But you could listen to them if you wanted to.” That’s when I got the simpletons look.

I guess kids will always rebel against their parents’ musical tastes, but even if I like guitar rock and they like auto-tuned dance tracks, I figure the fact that we’re all appreciating some kind of music is cause for hope. And that’s not to say there isn’t any common ground, either.

For instance, we all hate Barney now.

This column appeared originally in West of Boston Life magazine and North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Wedneday: Doctors Recommend Against Lady Gaga-ectomies

NEW YORK (CAP) - Doctors are warning that teenage girls are putting themselves at risk if they use certain increasingly popular procedures to emulate singer Lady Gaga, such as hair sculpting, eye stretching and thigh elongating.

"All of these procedures are completely unnecessary and carry with them health risks that teenage girls lack the maturity to consider," said Dr. Bentley Worthington, chief medical officer at New York's SDN Medical Center, who also questioned the integrity of doctors who perform the services. "I know I personally would not perform a thigh elongation on anyone under 18, at least not without a convincing note from a parent or guardian."

That procedure, which involves removing fat and cellulite from thighs and stretching the remaining muscle and cartilage to mimic Lady Gaga's stick-thin appendages, is one of the most invasive, and has already resulted in serious complications for a 16-year-old girl from Moonachie, N.J.

"I was only supposed to gain two inches to my thighs, three tops," explained a teary Caitlin Rogers, whose thighs were overstretched during the procedure, leaving the formerly 5-foot-2 sophomore class treasurer a towering 5-10 1/2.

"And I can barely walk on these things," she added, gesturing to her skinny legs, which have become so wobbly that it's jeopardized her after-school position as a cashier at the Lehman Brothers Discount Clothing Outlet.

The doctor who performed that procedure, Dr. Cornelius Patch, declined to comment for this article, but in a prepared statement noted that he waived his fee for the procedure, and also did not charge Rogers for surgically attaching a giant blonde bow made of human hair.

While that's an extreme case, health professionals warn that even more relatively simple procedures carry potential problems. Doctors point to the fad that started the faux Gaga craze, "circle" contact lenses that give eyes an artificial "doe-eyed" look like the one the singer wore in her Bad Romance video. An increasing number of girls are making the look permanent via eye-stretching surgery involving a laser and tiny eyeball-enlarging clamps that must remain in place for two weeks to work properly.

The result, in addition to corneal abrasions and blinding infections, is "an entire generation of girls who look like Bratz dolls," according to U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan.

"I've talked to high school classes, and I tell you it's downright creepy, all those tremendous eyeballs staring back at you," said Duncan. "The only plus side is it takes attention away from their trampy outfits."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]