At Large Fake News Thursday: Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views

WASHINGTON (CAP) - American Catholics this week, while generally happy with the newly elected Pope Francis, expressed disappointment that the new head of the Catholic Church insisted on espousing such Catholic views.

A new study out of the Pew Research Center said that while 74 percent of American Catholics approve of Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio's appointment as pontiff, almost 60 percent wished he held different views on abortion, premarital sex, contraception and same-sex marriage.

"Most respondents questioned why the pope has to be so darn Catholic, to use a phrase that came up over and over again," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel. In addition to those issues mentioned above, most Catholics weren't thrilled with the new pope's views on adultery, masturbation and "pretty much any of that sex stuff," said Spitznagel, again quoting the study.

"Just once I'd like to see a pope who didn't have a problem with premarital sex," said Carole Thomson, 29, who describes herself as a "devout Catholic" who nonetheless has never married and has had 19 sexual partners, some of them women.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Church Of Scientology Defends 'Internship' Program

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Responding to a report in The New Yorker that it is under investigation for human trafficking and using forced free labor, the Church of Scientology fired back this week, saying the ordering of church members to do grueling work in exchange for little or no money is nothing more than an extremely active internship program.

"Some of the world's most successful organizations and businesses have similar internship programs," explained Tommy Davis, the chief spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International. "Umm ... IBM, for example."

When pointed out that IBM interns get paid about $20 an hour and gain valuable business experience, while Scientology members get paid about $50 a week to perform chores such as scrubbing Scientology superstar Tom Cruise's boat, Davis responded, "Who says boat scrubbing isn't valuable? Somebody's got to make Tom's boat shine like the glowing Sol of Teegeeack, so to speak.

"Besides, as [Church of Scientology founder] L. Ron Hubbard used to say, a little hard work is good for the thetan, no matter what planet it came from," added Davis. "Umm ... I'm kind of paraphrasing but that's basically what he said."

A CAP News study of other religions backs up Davis' claim that the practice is not completely unusual. For instance, altar boys do not get paid by the Catholic Church, although they are sometimes asked to do menial tasks, such as come to the rectory in their bathing suits to wash the priest's car.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Waiting for the end of the world ...

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The weather’s turned chillier, shoppers rush hurriedly from store to store, and a particular phrase is on everyone’s lips: “THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!” This statement may or may not be followed by an anguished wail and/or rending of garments.

I’m referring of course to a press release I received recently from the “Hourglass Watchman” of the eBible Fellowship with the heading “A Message to the Media of the World,” which apparently includes me. Not one to bury the lead, the Watchman gets right to the point:

“May 21, 2011 — Judgment Day. God will begin to destroy the World and this Universe with a worldwide earthquake. October 21, 2011 — The End of the World. The World and the entire Cosmos will be totally destroyed by fire.”

Considering most of the press releases I get include either the phrases “craft fair” or “ham and bean supper,” this would obviously be considered Big News. But oddly enough, I’ve yet to see reportage on this by any of the rest of the Media of the World, which must still be busy tracking the Black Friday tramplings. So it seems it’s up to me to bring up some of the obvious questions raised by this announcement, such as:

1) What happened to 2012? Can’t those stupid Mayans get anything right?

2) Five whole months to destroy the earth? I think God needs a new contractor.

In order to better help us better understand our impending annihilation, I thought I’d walk you through the highlights of the 18-page (!) e-mail, which I decided to print out on the grounds that preserving trees is now no longer necessary, and also I only need my ink cartridges to last another 11 months. (Or maybe even six months, assuming that printing things becomes less of a priority after the giant, world-destroying earthquake.)

First, the release insists that it is “not unusual that God’s people have been given insight into the timing of the end of the world.” Apparently it’s also happened those other times when the world was supposed to end but didn’t, leaving all the people holding “The End is Near!” placards to just mill around sheepishly, like Springsteen fans still waving a “Play Thunder Road!” sign after the lights go up.

As for the time between Judgment Day and the actual End of the World, apparently that’s to provide those of us who haven’t been called up into heaven with “the most horrific period of five months of torment, misery, sorrow and unspeakable hell on earth,” or, as we call it here in New England, “winter.” (Just a little End of the World humor there.) “How awful!” the Watchman then declares, just to drive the point home in case we haven’t been paying attention.

It’s worth noting, though, that although we will be annihilated in fire and cease to exist after the five months, the e-mail asserts, “there will not be a conscious suffering in a place called hell.” That sound you just heard was Charlie Sheen exhaling and ordering another round of drinks.

Personally, I’m hoping that God isn’t really planning to save just 200 million chosen people and leave the rest of us to “die like a beast” rather than rise up into heaven. Because for one thing, I’m counting on beasts being allowed in heaven, because when I die I’m going to have a lot of catching up to do with my dogs. And second, judging by the typical criteria, I’m guessing the 200 million saved people will include the likes of Sarah Palin, George W. Bush and Glenn Beck, who I’m guessing will not want to lick me or catch my Frisbee.

Still, even though I’m skeptical, the Hourglass Watchman asks that I “please consider publishing an article … regarding this awesome urgent and important matter,” so that’s what I’m doing. Just like I do when people send me their ham-and-bean-supper notices.

Which reminds me: If you’re planning one, you may want to schedule it before next October, just in case.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Follow Peter Chianca on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Obama Glad Pastor Didn't Burn "My Beloved Quran"

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what some are calling a telling slip of the tongue, President Barack Obama Saturday thanked Gainesville, Fla. Minister Terry Jones for "not burning my beloved Quran, the true compilation of the verbal revelations given to the Holy Prophet Muhammad."

He then paused for a moment and added, "Did I just say that out loud?"

Not surprisingly, Obama backtracked the next day, telling reporters he was just referring to the Quran's importance to the Muslim religion, and not to his personal feelings about the book. "I certainly don't ritually wash before I read it," he noted. "Um, when I read it, that is. Which is never."

He then pulled a copy of the King James Bible out of his desk drawer, and said, "If you don't believe me, I'll swear on a stack of these things - this holy book revered and read daily by us, you know, Christians."

When reporters noted the Bible was still sealed in its plastic wrapper, Obama abruptly stopped taking questions, knelt on his hands and knees on the small rug in front of his desk to "find a lost contact lens," muttered what some believe sounded like "Glory to my Lord Allah, the Most High Most Praiseworthy," and left the room hurriedly.

"This is no mere slip of the tongue - the president's statement showed his true colors," said conservative commentator Glenn Beck. "By which I mean black, in an Arab-y kind of way."

Beck, who recently held his "Restoring Honor" rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., noted that he did not burn any Qurans at his event. "Because frankly I didn't think of it," he said, breaking down in a steady stream of tears and sobs for several minutes.

Obama's comments come in the wake of the weeks-long controversy over the Rev. Terry Jones' plans to burn Qurans on Sept. 11 at his Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville. Jones scrapped the event at the last minute after a slew of calls asking him not to burn the books, including ones from U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates, former President Jimmy Carter, actress and U.N. Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie and hotel heiress Paris Hilton, although "We're pretty sure Hilton was just trying to score some coke," said Cpl. Tscharna Senn of the Gainesville Police Department.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday - Creationists: Ancient Skeletons Show God Has 'Sense Of Humor'

SOUTH AFRICA (CAP) - The discovery of two apparently 1.9 million-year-old fossils by paleontologists in South Africa is just the latest example of God's creativity in placing skeletons of creatures that didn't exist into the Earth's crust when he created it about 6,000 years ago, say creationists.

"It really is something," said Bob Henderson of the Institute for Creation Research. "This is how much care God took in creating the Earth - He included an amazing diversity of fossils representing ancient humans and other creatures that never existed, just to keep us guessing.

"Oh, that wacky deity," said Henderson.

Creationists, who believe the planet's species were each designed specifically by God rather than having developed gradually over millions of years through evolution, have different explanations as to the existence of the fossil record.

"The most obvious explanation is that He placed them there to test our faith, and that those who believe them to be evidence that humans descended from apes will burn in eternal hellfire," said Henderson. "But it also shows how He had a sense of humor. I mean have you seen some of those old skeletons? They're hilarious."

Asked about scientists' assertions that the newly discovered skeletons represent a link between apes and early humans, Henderson just shook his head and said, "Scientists! We haven't agreed with them on anything since the last Ice Age movie came out."

Asked about the fossils' discovery while at a Tea Party rally in Sheboygan, Wisc., Republican luminary Sarah Palin pooh-poohed scientists' attempt to insist that they "you know, mean something."

"Hey scientists - how's that naturally-selectiony thing workin' out for ya?" she asked. "Personally I don't know how anyone can believe in the theory that human beings like myself could have come from a creature with such a small brain," she added, apparently without irony.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Pope - I Thought Priests Were 'Amusing' Children

VATICAN CITY (CAP) - In the latest development in the ongoing Catholic Church child abuse scandal, Pope Benedict XVI is blaming his failure to stop pedophile priests on a hearing problem that has plagued him for decades, or at least since the first abuse reports surfaced.

"For years, I thought my aides were telling me that people had come forward to say the priests were amusing children in their parishes," said Benedict in a prepared statement released by the Vatican. "With laughter being one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, you can understand why I didn't think this would be a problem."

Benedict claims he reassigned the accused priests, rather than remove them from a position where they would come into contact with children, because he was trying to "spread the laughter."

"That's just the type of Pontiff I am," wrote Benedict, noting his propensity for buying virtual drinks for all 1,000 of his Facebook friends. "I love to laugh."

"Now I understand why the Cardinals would give me such funny looks when I would react with such delight every time the topic of children being amused came up," added the Pope, noting it was similar to the times when he would tell them long, wistful stories about his time spent in the Hitler Youth, only to find out recently that it wasn't actually the Bavaria chapter of the Boys & Girls Club.

Some are skeptical about the Pope's claims, though, pointing out that many of the accusations came in lengthy written reports outlining the potential scope of the abuse claims. But Benedict says most of his memos and reports were read to him by an aide who had a speech impediment, which compounded his hearing problem.

"For years when we were discussing keeping abortion under control, I thought the topic was portion control," explained the Pope. "Which frankly I could stand to have a little more of, the way I love that apfelstrudel."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Wanna be startin' ... a religion

I read a few years ago how a growing number of people had started listing “Jedi” as their religion on their census forms. This makes perfect sense as a religion — it’s a powerful force for good and it’s open to everyone, as long as your midichlorian levels are high enough. And if you know what midichlorians are, George Lucas has you exactly where he wants you.

Still, it was starting to feel like it was time for a new fake belief system to pop up. Which is why I’m happy to report that a brand-new religion, “Cult of Michael Jackson” — yes, that Michael Jackson — has officially opened up shop in the heart of Jerusalem. Well, actually it’s at an art gallery in Brooklyn, but I’m sure when you’re there it feels like Jerusalem.

“We are the world, and if you are ready, you can be part of one of the most elite societies on the entire planet Earth,” claims the Cult, and I’m hoping that motto works better for them than it has for Scientology. According to their press release, “Leaders of the Cult … fully believe that the world would be a better place if everyone took Michael Jackson’s words to heart.” His actions, meh, presumably not so much.

Now, in the interest of journalism, I did some serious research into this organization, by which I mean I visited its Web site. And after looking at it for a good five minutes, I’m still not sure if they’re serious. But I guess that doesn’t matter — the Rev. Sun Myung Moon probably didn’t think people were going to take him seriously at first either, and now he spends his weekends marrying entire stadiums full of people, many of whom were only there to watch the ball game.

The religion’s legitimacy is also evident in the fact that the Cult of Michael Jackson has a Facebook page and, as of this week, 369 fans. (Well, they said it was elite.) This is exactly how Jesus would have done it if he were starting out today: “Peter, tonight before the rooster crows you will click ‘Ignore’ on me three times,” etc.

I have to admit I’m a little skeptical, though. If you’re going to pick a recently deceased celebrity to base a religion on, why not go with someone like Walter Cronkite? It’s very easy to picture acolytes in dark blue suits going up to people in airports with little Cronkitism pamphlets, asking, “Would you like to know the way it is?”

But besides Michael Jackson’s questionable personal decisions — the chimp, the hyperbaric chamber, the behavioral issues that have already proven problematic to certain other religions — there’s the fact that, like much scripture, his words were often inscrutable. For instance, I just listened to “Don’t Stop ’Til You Get Enough” at imeem.com, and I could swear that these are the actual lyrics:

Blubber, is the fill enough?
Fever, to put your swaz in now;
Powder, is the post office,
That makes it happen,
In eggs no question marks;
Paul McCartney, is evil, EVIL!

Actually, I just made up that last part. But you get the idea.

Granted, the Web site does transcribe some of the lyrics-based scripture, such as “You shall blame it on the boogie, knowing you are a danc’in machine.” But even that raises questions, such as: If I’m not pro-boogie, will I not get into Michael Jackson heaven? And more importantly, do we really need a religion that makes us feel guilty because we’re not following some arbitrary set of rules? (Another one, I mean.) And what’s with the apostrophe in the middle of “danc’in”?

Here’s what it comes down to: Personally, I think we should appreciate Michael Jackson’s vast contribution to popular music and mourn his untimely passing, but try to avoid, if at all possible, praying to him. I’m no religious fanatic, but I’m starting to think people should be pickier about who their deities are.

Which reminds me: May the force be with you.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England; this column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”