Column: This year's reasons to be thankful, sort of

As you may recall, every year at this time I like to offer up a list of reasons we have to be thankful. And while it's true that you may be somewhat frustrated with certain developments – such as the election results, or the deteriorating environment, or your inability to tell apart the Kardashians – that doesn’t mean there isn’t also a lot to celebrate.

For instance, you should be thankful for the fact that:

1) You didn’t go into this month believing, in your heart of hearts, that you were somehow going to become the president of the United States.

2) You’ve managed to keep your illicit affair a secret, or if you didn’t at least keeping illicit things secret isn’t supposed to be your primary occupation. Or if it is … we never had this conversation.

3) You didn’t think that hey, maybe it might be fun to manage the Boston Red Sox this year.

4) You didn’t open opposite "The Avengers." ("A Little Bit of Heaven" starring Kate Hudson, we hardly knew ye.)

5) You weren’t chosen to appear in the Opening Ceremonies for the 2012 London Olympics, which I don’t think ever actually ended – you’d probably still be there, pounding on metal canisters while dressed like a refugee from "Les Miserables."

6) You weren’t the one who had to drive Karl Rove home from Fox News on election night. Awkward!

7) You didn’t get nominated in the same category as Adele. ("Firework" by Katy Perry, we hardly … well, actually we knew you a little too well.)

8) You didn’t invest your life savings in the Facebook IPO. And if you did, don’t worry, because word has it you’ll soon be able to trade your shares for Farmville cash to buy virtual chickens.

9) You have a job. Well, 92.1 percent of you have a job. The rest of you will have to stick with the Farmville cash.

10) Donald Trump has not taken an interest in any of your personal records. Yet.

11) The NCAA hasn’t imposed any sanctions on you. Yet.

12) You’re not dating Taylor Swift, because let’s face it, that wouldn’t end well.

13) You weren’t locked out of your job and forced to work in Slovakia with Lubomir Visnovsky, no matter how much fun it may be to say "Lubomir Visnovsky."

14) You weren’t the one who had to drive Big Bird home from Sesame Street after the first debate. Awkward!

15) You haven’t started any sort of petition or campaign against Ellen DeGeneres, because let’s face it, that’s just crazy talk.

16) While the Fiscal Cliff could wind up pushing the country back into crippling recession, you won’t LITERALLY have to go over a cliff, like lemmings or Toonces, the cat who could drive a car.

17) You’re not the backup quarterback for the New York Jets.

18) You didn’t invest your life savings in "Rock of Ages," the Tom Cruise musical. And if you did, don’t worry, because it might manage to make back its cost in foreign markets where they’ve never heard music before.

19) You haven’t said anything within range of Joe Biden that might make him open his mouth to emit a thunderous guffaw, blinding you with the overpowering glow that emanates from his incisors.

20) Last time you filled in for somebody at work it probably didn’t result in the Patriots losing to the freaking Cardinals and you getting booed by 70,000 drunk people.

21) Clint Eastwood hasn’t gone anywhere near your furniture.

22) You probably won’t be standing between David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen when they finally come to blows, the sheer force of the altercation causing their decrepit bodies to crumble into a chalky dust that smells vaguely of bourbon.

23) You haven’t been rebooted in 3-D.

24) You’re not a candidate for office who thought it would be a good campaign move to tell women you know more about their bodies than they do. And if you are: Dude, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

25) Even if you did go into this month believing that you were somehow going to become the president of the United States … At least you didn’t manage the Boston Red Sox.

Column: 30 reasons to be thankful, sort of

Some years back I kicked off an annual Thanksgiving-week tradition of listing reasons why people should be thankful. I figured that by 2011 compiling the list would be extremely easy, given that we’d all be millionaires traveling by jetpack.

Unfortunately it’s only gotten harder, but that’s not to say there isn’t room for hope. (And change, but mostly the hope part.) For instance, you should be thankful for the fact that:

1. Seal Team 6 has no reason to know where you live.

2. No one has “occupied” your driveway. Yet.

3. You’ve never had to work at the National Restaurant Association. Or if you have, at least you probably got a settlement.

4. Michele Obama hasn’t snuck up behind your kid and confiscated his Twinkies. Yet.

5. You don’t live on a fault line, or next to a nuclear power plant, or on a fault line next to a nuclear power plant.

6. Rick Perry isn’t in charge of remembering your locker combination, or your email passwords, or your kids’ names.

7. Your September collapse wasn’t broadcast on live television.

8. Your marriage lasted more than 72 days, probably.

9. Rupert Murdoch has no reason to know your voice mail number.

10. You didn’t have Eddie Murphy scheduled to host anything for you (kids’ birthday party, PTA spelling bee, bar mitzvah, etc.).

11. You’ve never been Tweeted by Anthony Weiner. Unless you have, in which case … Ew, gross.

12. Your power’s back on and you’re not trapped under a branch.

13. Michele Bachmann isn’t trying to pray away any of your personal traits. At least not to your face.

14. Your approval rating among your constituents is way above 9 percent, and that’s including your in-laws.

15. The last time you went to a Broadway show, Spider-Man didn’t fall on your head.

16. You don’t need approval from Congress to raise your debt ceiling. (Actually, that may not be such a good thing.)

17. Nancy Grace has no reason to know you exist.

18. You didn’t try to raise your prices 60 percent and figure nobody would notice.

19. Even if you’re not in a profession that features women in tiny shorts dancing around you while you do it, at least your job probably didn’t get canceled this year.

20. Nobody spotted you on the pier in Santa Monica.

21. The GOP isn’t twisting itself into a pretzel to find someone, anyone to nominate instead of you. (See numbers 3, 6 and 13, and Newt Gingrich.)

22. You’re not a Colts season ticket holder.

23. Even if you did get fired this year, at least you didn’t travel around the country doing a one-man show about it.

24. You’re not the guy left in charge of Apple.

25. No one is out to depose you. Or if they are, they’re probably not armed.

26. Donald Trump has absolutely no interest in your birth certificate.

27. Your wedding didn’t wind up being all about Pippa.

28. You got out of that corn maze without any help from local authorities.

29. Even in drag and a fat suit, you would still be more appealing than Adam Sandler in “Jack & Jill.”

30. At this very moment you may be unemployed, in foreclosure, being pepper-sprayed, floating on a rapidly melting ice flow and/or standing on a dais between Mitt Romney and Ron Paul — but no matter what, things are bound to get better in 2012!

Although you better stay on Nancy Grace’s good side, just in case.

Peter Chianca is editor in chief for GateHouse Media New England’s north-of-Boston newspapers and websites. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

COLUMN: You’ll be thankful you read this

As you may recall, around this time each year I like to take a moment to remind my readers that there are still plenty of reasons to be truly thankful. I do that so people will be able to put these often difficult times into perspective, and also to get them to come out from under the bed.

So stick your head out and take a gander at these, this year’s reasons to give thanks:

1) You didn’t have to run against a Republican in the mid-term elections. Or if you did you probably had to do it in Massachusetts, where the number of Republicans in the state Senate can now officially fit into a phone booth. Whatever that was.

2) You have universal health care now, sort of.

3) There’s an app for that, as long as “that” isn’t “magically generating the extra 600 bucks you’d need to buy an iPad.”

4) When something goes wrong at work, you don’t have to wait 69 days to be extricated through a tube. No matter how often it may feel that way.

5) You’re not covered in oil, or if you are, it’s probably just a lifestyle choice.

6) You didn’t have to run against Scott Brown. Or his truck. Or his barn jacket. Or his rugged, manly good looks. Not that I’m looking at his Cosmo spread right now or anything.

7) Jay Leno didn’t want your time slot.

8) Your personal assistant didn’t write a tell-all book about you, your lover and the illegitimate child you fathered when you were running for president. Heck, you probably don’t even have a personal assistant.

9) You haven’t turned up on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” where there’s a good chance you would have been eaten by a bear, or Sarah Palin.

10) You weren’t poisoned by Lady Gaga in her “Telephone” video, and you probably had very little exposure to police tape, and even if you did you most likely weren’t wearing it over your privates.

11) Your bosoms didn’t offend Elmo.

12) You weren’t married to Larry King, probably.

13) You’re not an illegal alien living in Arizona. Or a legal alien living in Arizona. Or a guy with a tan living in Arizona. On a related note, the entire population of Arizona has been detained for questioning.

14) The last time you answered an ad on Craigslist, nobody killed you, probably.

15) Your husband didn’t admit to canoodling with a tattooed skank. Or if he did, at least it wasn’t right after you won your Oscar.

16) You’re completely incapable of pitching a perfect game. After all, with your luck it would have been officiated by that umpire in Detroit, or the shot Roger Clemens gave you in your butt would have worn off in the bottom of the eighth.

17) You didn’t try to get in to the new Harry Potter theme park, unless you did, in which case you’re still there waiting in line, trying to gain sustenance by sucking the condensation off the end of your plastic wand.

18) You haven’t received any text messages from Brett Favre. (And if you have … for God’s sake, delete them!)

19) The Old Spice Guy beat up a pirate piñata with a petrified freshwater fish while saying your name. Wait, sorry … that was Demi Moore. But I’m sure the Old Spice Guy would have done that for you, had he known you.

20) No one threatened to burn anything of yours, or if they did, they probably didn’t go through with it.

21) You didn’t ask, and you won’t tell.

22) If you’re staying at a hotel right now, Charlie Sheen is probably nowhere in the vicinity. You can come out from under the bed now.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

COLUMN: So what's up with Thanksgiving?

It’s time once again for “Mr. Holiday” to answer your holiday queries. This week: Thanksgiving.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
I understand that the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals want us to give up eating turkey on Thanksgiving. But I love turkey! Juicy, succulent, recently deceased turkey. What should I do?

Hungry in Holliston

Dear Hungry:
PETA is a very well-meaning organization, in that same way that your crazy uncle who thinks he’s a founding member of ABBA is well-meaning. But mostly they’re just looking for an excuse to parade around naked and get arrested.

In reality, studies have shown that Thanksgiving turkeys are remarkably well treated. They run free on spacious turkey farms, relaxing in little turkey saunas and smoking rich little full-bodied turkey cigars. Then they’re slaughtered and plucked, but in a well-treated kind of way.

What you should be really concerned about is the rampant, horrible mistreatment of soy.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
I dread Thanksgiving — sitting around with my family is so boring! Any suggestions?

Bored in Bakersville

Dear Bored:
You seem to have forgotten that Thanksgiving is one of the only chances your entire family gets to sit down together in a meaningful way. With that in mind, here are some topics you may want to consider to liven up the meal:

· How years of browbeating have driven you to therapy;

· The fact that just because you can’t get through a family occasion without downing an entire bottle of muscatel doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic;

· That you’ve blown the grandkids’ inheritance on Keno.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
I enjoy the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. What’s the story behind those tremendous balloons?

Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious:
It takes dozens of people to control one of those balloons, and in a stiff wind they can actually become quite dangerous. No wait, I’m thinking of Willard Scott.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
What are “giblets”?

Cooking in Cambridge

Dear Cooking:
No one knows.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
I love finishing a huge Thanksgiving meal, heading straight into the living room, loosening my belt and watching football for the rest of the day as the stuffing congeals in my stomach cavity. But recently I began wondering: What are all the women talking about back in the kitchen while the guys watch football?

Suspicious in Scranton

Dear Suspicious:
This is one of the great mysteries of Thanksgiving. But I’m sure it’s not how they can’t believe they have to wake up every morning next to the likes of your fat, lazy self. They’re probably just comparing recipes.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
I was horrified recently to discover that the first Thanksgiving dinner was nothing like the Thanksgiving we have today. Is it really possible that the Pilgrims and Indians didn’t really have turkey and pumpkin pie?

Disillusioned in Denver

Dear Disillusioned:
Don’t worry your pretty little head off — of course the Pilgrims and Indians had turkey and pumpkin pie! Just like Columbus was a brave and gallant explorer rather than the harbinger of genocide and slavery to a proud indigenous people. Six of one, half-dozen of the other, I always say.

Granted, historians say the menu was probably more likely to include things like lobsters, mussels, grapes, plums and flint corn. However, some traditions have carried on: For instance, a Pilgrim woman named Constance Britteridge was credited with creating a delightful fruit centerpiece for the meal, based on a first-century fresco from Pompeii. Then she was arrested for securities fraud.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Grateful in Greenwich

Dear Grateful:
I’m thankful mostly for loyal, caring readers like you. No wait, I meant to say giblets.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. He’s currently out shopping for giblets; his “Best of Chianca” column is from 2005. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

COLUMN: 22 (more) reasons to be thankful

As you may recall, around this time each year I like to take a moment to remind my readers that there are still plenty of reasons to be truly thankful. And if I can say that from my perch here in the heart of the newspaper business, you can certainly come up with something.

So stop reading that blood-sucking news aggregator site for a minute and take a gander at these, this year’s reasons to give thanks:

1) You’re not in a homemade balloon spinning somewhere above Colorado.

2) Levi Johnston has gotten nowhere near your daughter. That you know of.

3) You didn’t promise anybody you’d get a massive health care bill through the House and the Senate.

4) You haven’t been arrested for breaking into your own house.

5) You haven’t arrested anybody for breaking into his own house.

6) You’re not the planet earth, which will either implode in 2012 in a torrent of computer-generated special effects, or be sucked into a black hole by the Large Hadron Collider sometime within the next 15 minutes.

7) You didn’t decide to go for it on 4th and 2.

8) Your entire image isn’t being reworked against your will, like poor Mickey Mouse, whom Disney is re-imagining as more “cantankerous and cunning” — apparently the focus groups have said that they’d prefer Mickey to be more like Dick Cheney. But don’t worry, “Mickey is never going to be evil or go around killing people,” said one Disney Imagineer. OK, forget what I said about Cheney.

9) You didn’t win that annoying Nobel Peace Prize.

10) Your image isn’t showing up willy-nilly in pictures of water droplets on lotus leaves, like Ringo Starr’s is. A team researching water-repellent leaf behavior at Duke University took the high-speed images, and darn it if you can’t see Ringo’s little mop-toppy head right there. Add this to the list of signs that the world is ending.

11) None of your sex tapes have been made public. That you know of.

12) You’re not in Richard Heene’s attic.

13) You’re not Ruppy, one of five beagles who South Korean scientists recently engineered to become the world’s first glow-in-the-dark dogs. I imagine this makes it much harder to sneak up on people. Still, it finally offers a solution to the dire tripping-over-dogs-in-the-dark problem, and if you can get the dog to curl up close enough to you, you can read by him.

14) You didn’t try to address the nation’s annoying schoolchildren.

15) Perez Hilton hasn’t judged your beauty pageant or scribbled all over you with a white marker.

16) You’re not a drinker in Arizona, where a new law allows people to bring their guns into bars. Unfortunately, actually shooting somebody in an Arizona bar is still illegal, for the most part.

17) You don’t have Nicolas Cage’s financial advisor.

18) You didn’t lose your finger and have it replaced with a USB drive, like a man in Finland. In his defense, it is better, stronger and faster, plus it gives a whole new definition to the phrase “pull my finger.”

19) You’re not running for president in Iran. Or Afghanistan. Or Iraq.

20) You weren’t elected president of the United States.

21) You weren’t one of the many children frightened this summer by Colorado’s new ill-advised water conservation mascot, the “Running Toilet,” consisting of a man with an entire actual-size toilet on his head. (Best bystander quote: “I don't think the toilet meant to scare them.”) No word on whether the toilet has spent any time in Richard Heene’s attic.

22) You don’t work for Goldman Sachs, where executives had to scale back drastically and cut their massive bonuses to almost nothing.

What? Their bonuses and spending are as lavish as ever? Somebody should make those guys work for a newspaper.

this column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE."