COLUMN: Resolving to keep things close to home

It’s almost time to start another new year, meaning soon we’ll all be making resolutions to be better human beings, or at least eat fewer fried pork products. These resolutions will only last until halftime of the first New Year’s Day football game, but at least we’ll feel good about ourselves for those few hours.

But I had an idea for some other kinds of resolutions when I took my parents to the House of the Seven Gables in nearby Salem, Mass., and all the other visitors were from Switzerland and Germany. Apparently people from this country have already seen all the gables they need to, or they were all at Target.

With that in mind, I’m resolving this year to take advantage of some more landmarks of Boston's North Shore that I’ve yet to experience. You’re my witness — in 2011, I will:

1) Go somewhere that has “witch” in the title. Speaking of Salem, it’s amazing that I’ve gone this long without ever setting foot in the Salem Witch Museum, on a Salem Witch Tour or in a store where you can buy newt, eye or otherwise. I figure if I can come home with one $7.99 plastic witch tchotchke, those women will not have been hanged in vain.

2) Ride the OGO. The OGO, as I’m sure you know, is a giant plastic ball that you climb into, at which point they roll you down a mountain, where you’re buffeted around inside it like an unfortunate hamster. The Amesbury Sports Park bills it as “like being in a washing machine and on a roller coaster at the same time,” so if people aren’t flying in from Germany to do that, they’re reading the wrong tourism brochures.

3) See the “Spirit of ’76.” This famous painting of a Revolutionary-era fifer and drummers is on display in the Selectmen’s Room at Abbot Hall in Marblehead, Mass., so I have no excuse for not going over there and trying to take a picture of it, at which point the selectman on duty will tackle me and smash my camera with an authentic 18th century nose auger.

4) Go to Gloucester in the middle of the night and have my picture taken hanging off the Fisherman’s Memorial statue. I actually did this with a bunch of my friends in 1987, when I was in college, and I learned a valuable lesson: Gloucester Police do not take kindly to college kids hanging off the Fisherman’s Memorial statue.

There are plenty of other North Shore activities I could resolve to do — things like riding the manacled elephant at the Topsfield Fair, or eating dinner on top of the Newburyport Rear Range Lighthouse (even if in both cases I have a distinct fear of falling off). But the idea is, taking part in these local activities is convenient, enriching and easier than giving up fried pork.

Although this year, I think I’ll be sticking with another fried product. After all, I’ve never had a Woodman’s clam, either.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Life magazine. Follow Peter Chianca on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Passengers On Disabled Cruise Ship Ate Crew, Each Other

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - A luxury cruise liner that limped into San Diego after a fire knocked out its power was lucky in many ways: a nearby Navy vessel came quickly with supplies, and the mishap occurred in tranquil waters. But that didn't stop its frantic passengers from descending quickly into panic, rioting, looting and eventually resorting to cannibalism.

"We were in decent spirits for the first few hours after the power went out," said Carnival Splendor passenger Carrie Whitehead, 32, of Chelmsford, Mass. "Then they announced the buffet was closed. That's when the deck chairs started going over the side."

Within hours, the passengers had formed into a number of tribe-like groups and staked out certain areas of the ship as their home turf, according to passenger Fred Ricker, 66, who banded together with the other senior citizens on board.

"You had all these young punks whining and crying because their cell phones weren't working," said Ricker, whose tribe of seniors ("The Otters") immediately took control of the Lido Deck, beating the younger passengers around the head and neck with shuffleboard cues.

"They wouldn't have lasted two seconds in 'Nam," said Ricker, his face still war-painted with oil squeezed from a tray of lox.

A nearby Navy vessel dropped a supply of Spam and other non-perishables aboard the ship on the first day of the ordeal, but by day two, a tribe calling themselves "The Sloths" was fomenting rebellion, according to a Carnival Splendor kitchen worker who asked not to be named.

"They had taken over the Grand Buffet dining room on the Promenade Deck, which is pretty much where they'd been spending the whole cruise anyway," said the worker, who explained that after two meals of Spam and Pop Tarts, the Sloths tied dinner napkins around their foreheads and stormed the kitchen, stampeding staffers and gorging themselves on shrimp and salmon that had gone unrefrigerated for two days.

"Between that and the fact that the ship's stabilizers were lost when the power went out, things got ugly pretty quickly," said the worker, whose co-workers were able to re-take the kitchen by pushing the rampaging passengers overboard as they leaned over the railing to vomit.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake New Monday: Nation's Perverts Endorse Full-Body Airport Scanners

RENO, Nev. (CAP) - America's largest organized group of perverts and degenerates has released a statement wholeheartedly supporting plans to install full-body scanning equipment in the nation's airports.

"Any device that can prevent terrorism while at the same time allowing you to see through people's clothes is A-OK in our book," said Nigel Friedrichsen, president of the Reno-based National Association of Perverts (NAP). "That's the definition of win-win. Um ... At least our definition."

The scanners have been highly controversial, with some civil libertarians claiming the devices violate travelers' privacy by performing a "virtual strip search."

"Yes, it's true the scans do expose the full bodies of the travelers who pass through them," noted Friedrichsen. "Screeners would be able to see, say, under the brassieres of women age 16 to 35. Or into their underpants ... their frilly, lacey underpants ... Mm ... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"

He then noted that the public shouldn't be concerned, since only airport screeners would be privy to the scans. He did acknowledge, though, that "almost 90 percent of our membership has already applied, including myself."

Also coming forward in support of the scanners is the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), which is lobbying for the scanning procedure to apply to children as well as adults.

"They younger, the better," said NAMBLA spokesman Bradley "Uncle Brad" White. "You never know what one of those little boys might have hidden in his briefs. No matter how long and hard you may have tried to guess."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]