Column: Waiting for the end of the world

“Inmates in a women’s prison near the Chinese border are said to have experienced a ‘collective mass psychosis’ so intense that their wardens summoned a priest to calm them. In a factory town east of Moscow, panicked citizens stripped shelves of matches, kerosene, sugar and candles. A huge Mayan-style archway is being built — out of ice — on Karl Marx Street in Chelyabinsk in the south.”

– New York Times, Dec. 1, 2012

A MESSAGE FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT ON THE PENDING END OF THE WORLD:

Dear U.S. Citizen:

I am Fred Cranston, associate assistant director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). As you have no doubt heard, the world is scheduled to end on Friday, Dec. 21. We know this because the Mayan calendar ends on that date, and the Mayans have never been wrong about anything. This is what makes them so insufferable at dinner parties.

Ha ha! Just a little Mayan humor to help ease the tension that’s bound to go along with knowing the world is coming to an end. I have been asked to write this letter to help prepare Americans for our impending annihilation, partially because of my experience in disaster mitigation, and also because all the other officials are already sequestered on the government’s secret fleet of high-tech flying arks.

Anyway, it is our goal to avoid the mass end-times panic that has already begun in Russia and other areas of the world. Remember, just because the earth is going to open up and swallow us, or we’re going to be incinerated by giant solar fireballs, or the earth’s polarity is going to reverse, propelling us all into space, is no reason to be uncouth. (This means you, Arkansas!)

With that in mind, we ask that you follow the following simple guidelines:

1) Please do not hoard matches, kerosene, sugar and candles, because none of those things will help once you’ve been incinerated by a giant solar fireball (and in the case of kerosene, it will probably just make things worse). Instead, consider using the food and resources you currently have in your home, because they’re bound to spoil quickly after the earth becomes a barren, burning wasteland.

2) Trying to avoid gaping, fiery holes in the earth by driving around them as they open up is not advisable, no matter how feasible that appears in the movies. For one thing, those are typically trained drivers on a closed course; and also, the gaping, fiery holes are added in later using a computer. You’re much better off standing very, very still, and hoping the holes go around you.

3) Please be advised that building tremendous Mayan structures out of ice or other materials is unlikely to stave off the impending apocalypse. That said, I, for one, welcome our new Mayan overlords.

4) We strongly recommend against using your last few weeks on earth attempting to live out your wildest fantasies, particularly if they involve “maxing out” your credit cards, telling off your boss, professing a long unrequited love, or public nudity. On the off chance the world doesn’t end as predicted, any or all of these actions could prove personally detrimental, or at least embarrassing. Consider perhaps some more staid activities, like Jenga.

5) Finally, even though we’ve been unable to pinpoint exactly how the world is going to end on Dec. 21, we feel a need to deny the prevailing rumor that mankind will be wiped out in a zombie apocalypse, which is just silly. However, you should plan to have some sharpened shovels around to chop the tops of their heads off, just in case.

In conclusion, we hope these guidelines will help you adequately prepare for the end of civilization, and if you have any other questions or concerns between now and then, feel free to contact your local FEMA office. A representative who couldn’t fit on one of the arks will be happy to assist you.

Sincerely,
Fred Cranston, FEMA

Column: Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing. Then I discovered there was no Nobel Prize for Column Writing, so I decided that I actually started doing it to effect positive change in society. Thus far that’s gone about as well as the Nobel Prize thing, as evidenced by the lack of traction in my campaign to get us all jetpacks.

Until last week, that is. That’s when my column on giant space asteroids elicited a sudden flurry of asteroid-related activity. Not among the asteroids, which are notoriously stubborn and can’t read, but among certain people who, like myself, do not want to be crushed and incinerated by them, not necessarily in that order.

Granted, not all of the activity was useful. For instance, NBC News (motto: “Wait, what?”) ran a story about how the 1998 asteroid movie “Armageddon” was, as it turns out, unrealistic. Fourteen years well spent, I-Team!

Actually, they were reporting on a study out of the University of Leicester, where one 22-year-old master’s student said of the film, “After watching it back, I found myself being more skeptical.” He also surmised that Hollywood might be guilty of “falsification of the science to make movies more interesting.” In response, the University of Leicester changed its name and left town in the middle of the night.

But on other fronts the news was more positive, especially among the one federal agency that might actually be equipped to do something about the problem of deadly giant space asteroids: the Grain Inspection, Packers and Stockyards Administration.

Wait, I meant to say NASA. And as it turns out, NASA’s Extreme Environment Mission Operations (NEEMO, and I swear I did not make that up) thinks that we actually have a pretty good chance against an oncoming asteroid – if, that is, we’re willing to spend $50 million on an asteroid spotting system. Just to put that in perspective, I should mention:

1. “Rush Hour 3” cost $140 million.
2. See No. 1.

If we were to pony up and start actively searching for oncoming asteroids, that would no doubt come as good news to the Gaiashield Group, one of the few organized bodies out there working to keep us all from being crushed, incinerated etc. They also happen to have what may be the Best Website Ever (gaiashield.com), in that it features:

1. The motto “The Sky Is Falling Now!” over a picture of a Tyrannosaurus Rex running from falling meteors.
2. See No. 1.

The Gaiashield people, incidentally, are not thrilled with how President Obama has handled the giant space asteroid crisis so far. They even have a personal letter to him on their website, which reads, in part, “The Next Large Asteroid on its way to strike Earth is closing at A Million Miles A Day. Time is simply not on our side here … Tic Toc!” Say what you will about the Gaiashield Group, you have to admit the “Tic Toc!” was a nice touch.

But at least Obama seems to have a general idea that we should probably be doing something about giant space asteroids. According to Dale Brownfield of Gaiashield, who wrote me after reading my column, “I’m sure Romney still needs to be taken to school on this.” Most likely a private preparatory school that frowns upon blacks, gays and giant space asteroids.

Still, that brings me back to my point of last week: If Romney wants to become president, it seems to me all he has to do is come up with the $50 million to fund NASA’s asteroid spotting project. He could probably do that entirely from money he could find today around his house, under the couch cushions and on top of the car under the dog. I bet he’d even have plenty left over to spend on other projects.

I recommend jetpacks.

Column: Where do the candidates stand on asteroids?

I’m very concerned that despite a growing disgust among the populace, the presidential candidates continue to dwell on extraneous topics like taxes and the economy and refuse to address what’s most important to the American public: namely, what they’re going to do to keep us from getting hit by a giant space asteroid.

Personally, getting hit by a giant space asteroid is currently my own top concern, even more so than my concerns over a zombie apocalypse. This is because while the latter is definitely unpleasant, it’s never happened before, whereas it seems there was a time when earth was being pelted practically nonstop by space asteroids, like some giant, unfortunate pinball bumper.

I’m basing my information on a book I’m reading, "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson. It came out in 2003, but since I’m just getting around to reading it now I’m hoping that "everything" hasn’t changed too much during the past nine years. I do know we haven’t been hit by a giant asteroid during that time, because as Bryson makes very clear, I would have heard about it.

For instance, if we were to be visited by a meteor like the one that hit Manson, Iowa 74 million years ago, immediately before it hit "the temperature below it would rise to some 60,000 Kelvin, or ten times the surface temperature of the Sun … Everything in the meteor’s path – people, houses, factories, cars – would crinkle and vanish like cellophane in a flame." And after that, things would get really bad.

I won’t go into the graphic details. (Earthquakes? Check. Volcanoes? Check. "Blizzard of flying projectiles?" Checkeroo.) But you’d think that with literally millions of these things flying around the heavens, protecting us, the citizenry, from crinkling like cellophane would be a no-brainer of a campaign platform. By contrast, Medicare reform does very little to help a senior population that’s been incinerated.

And yet, according to Bryson, "the number of people in the world who are actively searching for asteroids is fewer than the staff of a typical McDonald’s restaurant." About the only good news about that statement is that at least asteroid hunters have advanced degrees and are unlikely to do unpleasant things in the Fryolator.

This is why, if I were running for national office (an experience I imagine is not unlike being hit by a blizzard of flying projectiles), I would do so based almost exclusively on the giant space asteroid platform, making the following promises:

 1) I would immediately create a Division of Asteroid Hunters (DAH) that would employ thousands of people to sit on mountaintops staring through telescopes into outer space. When one of them spotted an asteroid headed in this direction, they would point at it and shout "ASTEROID!" This is what is known as a "job creator."

2) I would order NASA to immediately stop paying all that attention to Mars, which has pretty much no chance of slamming into us, ever.

3) Instead, I would have them start training an elite team of asteroid blower-uppers, like in the movie "Armageddon." I never saw that movie but I’m reasonably sure that it involved Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck blowing up asteroids, possibly while listening to Aerosmith songs.

There are still a few details to work out – for instance, Bryson points out that even if we managed to blow up an oncoming asteroid, it would probably just slam into us in a bunch of pieces, "with the difference that now the rocks would be intensely radioactive." This is what is known as "class warfare."

So here’s hoping that either President Obama or Gov. Romney take up the call – whomever adopts the giant space asteroid platform first is bound to sway the ever-important independent voter who doesn’t want to be hit by a giant space asteroid. After all, if the fact that it’s estimated an asteroid could take out 1.5 billion humans in a single day isn’t enough to sway the public, the candidates can always point out the following:

A certain number of those humans are bound to wind up as zombies.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Governments Say World Definitely Not Ending, Nuh-uh

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. government has joined with other nations from around the globe to state that the world is not coming to an end, despite the unprecedented weather and earthquake incidents of recent months.

"The idea that the world is ending is, frankly, uh ... ludicrous," said President Barack Obama, speaking from Air Force One, surrounded by his family and closest advisors. "Everything is going along, uh, just the way it usually does."

Obama's staff was on the presidential plane for a "change of pace," said the president, and definitely not because they were heading to a secret rendezvous area to board a fleet of high-tech "arks."

"No matter what you read on TMZ," he added.

Governments of other nations corroborated Obama's assertions. In England, Ben Bradshaw, Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, addressed reporters to confirm that people had nothing to worry about.

"Pish-posh, everything's fine," said Bradshaw, speaking from the office of Prime Minister Gordon Brown at 10 Downing St. in London. "World coming to an end - nonsense." He then poured himself a glass of water, spilling most of it onto the prime minister's desk as his hands shook uncontrollably.

Asked where the prime minister was, and the royal family, and the 20-plus other secretaries and ministers in Brown's cabinet, Bradshaw responded, "What's that? Oh, out for a stroll, I suppose. Not headed to a secret rendezvous area, I can tell you that."

He then closed his eyes for about 30 seconds and muttered, "Blasted short straw," before laying his head down on the prime minister's soggy desk.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]