Thursday, August 25, 2011

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Barbarian-Americans Protest New 'Conan' Movie

FON DU LAC, Wisc. (CAP) - The Wisconsin-based Brotherhood of Cimmerian Americans (BCA) released a statement this week denouncing the new Conan The Barbarian movie, claiming that the term "barbarian" is offensive to descendants of Cimmerians, Gaels, Picts, Vanir, Vikings and other warring peoples of the 8th and 7th centuries BC.

"Like gypsy or retarded, the word barbarian is outdated, offensive and needs to be eradicated from the popular lexicon," said BCA President Bram Hedstrom. "It's been decades since our peoples have been known for pillaging cities and lopping people's heads off."

The new film, starring Jason Momoa of HBO's Game Of Thrones, would seem to fly in the face of that assertion, featuring no fewer than 200 separate beheadings, possibly a new record. "We'll know when next year's Guinness Book comes out," said producer Fredrik Malmberg.

Even Tyler Bates' score for the film reflects its bloody nature, with movements entitled Beheading (2:49), Another Beheading (1:54), Beheading Again (2:36), You Can Call Him Conan ... But Don't Call Him Late For The Beheading (3:35) and Beheading (Reprise) (2:28), along with more traditional pieces like Obligatory Sex Scene (:55) and A Battle Of Wits (:08).

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger, who starred in the original Conan The Barbarian in 1982, expressed concerns about the film, saying it lacked his version's sense of humor. "Also, the boy who played young Conan in my film?" noted Schwarzenegger. "I fathered him."

Schwarzenegger is also said to have fathered children by the film's assistant hair stylist, director of craft services and the secretary to producer Raffaella De Laurentiis. "It was a very welcoming crew," said Schwarzenegger, who has since left show business and his family to concentrate on his affairs.

The film has also irked some viewers who showed up thinking it was the Conan O'Brien documentary, Conan O'Brien Can't Stop, which was released earlier this year. "I was wicked disappointed," said Sarah Killen, the woman O'Brien chose at random to follow on Twitter last year. "I knew my Conan wouldn't have nearly this many beheadings in his movie."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

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