Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Column: Your guide to the Springsteenaugural

Heading out to Washington for the inaugural? Well, you don’t need to be one of 3 million people standing aimlessly out in the cold. Instead you can read this handy inauguration guide, and be one of 3 million people standing out in the cold in an informed kind of way.

To start off, on Sunday you should plan to be at the Lincoln Memorial for the inaugural weekend kickoff concert, when President-elect Barack Obama will acknowledge his status as the first African American, ever, to be a fan of Bruce Springsteen. Reports say Springsteen will perform at the event, although his representatives are not expected to confirm that until sometime during his third song.

Then on Monday evening, make sure to attend the Youth Concert at the Verizon Center. The event is intended to remind Americans that our youth represent the future of this country, so we should be prepared for the future to include a lot of videogames and ecstasy. Performers have been kept under wraps, but reports point to such big-name teen stars as Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers and Bruce Springsteen.

But it’s on Inauguration Day that the real excitement will take place, the true pomp and circumstance that reminds the countries with kings and queens that we can be just as self-important as they are — but better, because we don’t have to wear all those kilts and sashes.

With that in mind, here is a quick rundown of the order of events:

· Musical selections: The event starts off with the United States Marine Band, followed by the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus, and Bruce Springsteen.

· Call to Order: Sen. Dianne Feinstein will remind all present about how Democrats plan to reach across the aisle and, their hands still shaky and sweaty from excitement, embrace whomever happens to be sitting there.

· Musical selection: Aretha Franklin will sing a duet with Bruce Springsteen and then hug him, effectively burying him within her prodigious bosom.

· Joseph R. Biden will be sworn in as vice president by the Honorable Justice John Paul Stevens, whom Biden will later refer to as the drummer for Led Zeppelin.

· Musical selection: John Williams, composer, with Itzhak Perlman (violin), Yo-Yo Ma (cello), Gabriela Montero (piano), Anthony McGill (clarinet) and Bruce Springsteen (Fender Esquire).

· Barack H. Obama will take the oath of office, after which he will spread his arms over his head and every American watching will ascend into heaven.

You’d might think that would be the end of things, and that President Obama would run directly from the podium into the Oval Office to start fixing up our messed-up country. But no, first there is a luncheon, during which Obama will escort outgoing President George W. Bush to a departure ceremony; there, you can watch Bush dodge shoes thrown by David Gregory.

Then after that, you can head immediately over to Pennsylvania Avenue for the 56th Inaugural Parade. The parade is known around the world for its elaborate floats, like the one of a giant smiling Obama made entirely from live orchids. Children will be delighted at the close of the parade, when Santa Claus arrives at Macy’s, pulled by Bruce Springsteen. And that night, you should do your absolute best to get a ticket to one of 10 inaugural balls, which thanks to the economic downturn will all be held at Chuck E. Cheeses throughout suburban Virginia.

Finally, on Wednesday, you should try to be present when the newly inaugurated president and vice president will participate in a prayer service. If you’re looking for something to pray for, how about that they’ll be able to put all the hoopla behind them and get right down to business? Fortunately, they seem like the right men for the tough work ahead, and they’ve chosen the right people to help them.

It’s a good thing Bruce Springsteen was available!

Originally from northshoresunday.com. Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

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