Who says nobody's doing anything about men who would otherwise be manly heterosexuals turning willy-nilly to gay lifestyles? (And when I say "will nilly," I mean that in only the most politically correct way possible.) Turns out that Massachusetts pastor Tom Crouse is drawing a straight line in the sand, so to speak, by sponsoring a "Mr. Heterosexual" contest.
And he's not doing it as an excuse to parade hunky alleged heterosexuals around the church basement. Apparently the pastor felt there was a need to "show men and boys that it's OK to be heterosexual." Yes, it's about time someone did something about all those gay schoolyard bullies, forcing the other kids to listen to show tunes and color coordinate against their will.
But is this contest for me, you may ask? To find out if you might make a good "Mr. Heterosexual," take this simple quiz:
1) Football is ..
A) Sport of the Gods
B) A great way to spend Sunday afternoon
C) Like ballet, but the men are bigger and the pants are tighter.
2) I'd like to be stuck on a desert island with ...
A) Tyra Banks
B) Douglas Fairbanks Jr.
C) Douglas Fairbanks Sr. and Jr.
3) Finish this phrase: "Will ..."
B) and Grace
C) someone loosen my Missoni wool mohair scarf and pour me a Bailey's banana colada? It's getting hot in here, baby!
Award yourself 5 points for each A, 3 points for each B, and 1 point for each C. If you scored 13 or higher, you may be the next Mr. Heterosexual. If you scored 5 or lower, James Dobson of Focus on the Family is waiting outside to beat you up.
The judges will be in order of Manliness:
3. Rip Taylor
2. Boy George
1. KD Lang
with a special guest appearance by Richard Simmons.
PS: The Contest Motto is: "NO! It is NOT a Pageant. On account of that would be kinda gay"
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