Limoncellos for everybody!

Meant to blog tonight, but I'm going out drinking with George Clooney. You can catch me tomorrow on "The View"!

Paris taught her everything she knows about not wearing underwear

In today's celebrity marital breakdown news, a big "Hah!" to all of you who predicted that Britney wouldn't be able to bounce back from her split with Kevin Federline. It took mere weeks for Britney to be photographed being groped by Paris Hilton and generating headlines like "Britney Spears Flashes Privates, Gets Press." And that was from ABC News, so you can only imagine what the headlines at E! are saying.

We here at At Large just want to say, good for Britney! So what if she has no idea where her kids are? Surely some nanny is looking after them. Meanwhile, Britney, before you get back on the horse completely, you may want to invest in a pair of these.

Meanwhile, most people are giving the divorce about six months

Darn it ... This time I really thought it was going to last. Never mind what I said in July.

But I guess the romance of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock is really the same old story: How many of us have had lavish wedding ceremonies in in France, California, Michigan and Tennessee, only to wake up four months later and realize that we were married to a scuzzy dirtbag and/or a trashy bimbo?

No reason yet for the breakup, but I think we all know who Kid Rock is really in love with. Meanwhile, it looks like it will be up to a judge to decide custody of the tremendous bosoms.

This week's column:So this is the thanks dads get

I can’t help but wonder why, when Thanksgiving rolls around, no one ever asks us dads advice on the holiday meal. You’d think all we were capable of on Thanksgiving was stuffing our faces and lying on the couch with our distended bellies hanging over our loosened belts, which is patently untrue. We also watch football.

But some of us fathers just happen to know our way around a kitchen. For instance, I am recognized throughout my household for my expert preparation of the following meals:

1. Hot dogs;
2. Tacos, from box;
3. Salami sandwiches (note: does not technically involve cooking).

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly

Happy Thanksgiving.

Just make sure to also adopt some cranberry sauce and gravy

Yes, Thanksgiving is so close that many of you are already seated at the head of your dining room table with your bib on, knife and fork clutched in your sweaty palms. OK, I'm talking about me.

But while eating a big dead turkey is probably part of your plans, it's not too late to make up for some of the bad karma doing that is bound to engender. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about adopting a turkey.

It seems Farm Sanctuary in Millis, Mass. has rescued more than 1,000 turkeys, "and more than450 have been adopted to loving homes throughout the U.S." Because lets face it, what could be better than that moment when you come home from work and your pet turkey runs to the door, jumps up into your arms and nuzzles you until you scratch his waddle?

I should mention that this activity is endorsed by Charlotte Ross, pictured above, who is listed on the Adopt-a-Turkey website as a celebrity. I've never heard of her, but what do we need to know other than that she's willing to get down on her knees and share some sugar with a turkey? But if that's not good enough for you, just ask Gloria.

So much for the rumor that Chris Klein and the guys from 'American Pie' were going to kidnap her for deprogramming

Well, the TomKat wedding has come and gone, ending with what news reports have described as a kiss that was "never-ending," not unlike the eternal pole on which Tom Cruise seems determined to fly his freak-flag.

But wait a minute -- a high-profile wedding, a bizarre guest list, a freakily long kiss seemingly designed to elicit viewer discomfort ... What is this whole scenario reminding me of?

Oh, right.

Well, best of luck to all!

This week's column:Living off the fat of the land

It's always difficult to adjust your eating habits this time of year, when you're transitioning between leftover Halloween candy and a diet consisting almost entirely of stuffing. One option is to try to limit yourself to vegetables and whole grains in anticipation of upcoming holiday binging. Or, you can go to Arizona for an 8,000-calorie cheeseburger.

Hmmm ... I wonder how much flights to Tempe are these days?

I'm referring, of course, to the Quadruple Bypass Burger, which made headlines recently for being 8,000 calories and roughly the size of a human head. It has four slabs of beef totaling 2 pounds, three layers of cheese, four layers of bacon, lettuce, tomato and who knows what else ... paparazzi are rumored to have been picking through them in search of Kevin Federline.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

I always thought of it more as a lifestyle choice

I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone wanted "Jedi Knight" recognized as an actual religion. And sure enough two people from Britain -- "Umada" and "Yunyun," also known as John Wilkinson and Charlotte Law -- have done just that, saying, "Like the UN, the Jedi Knights are peacekeepers and we feel we have the basic right to express our religion through wearing our robes." Well, I'll tell you this, buckos, you have to do a lot more than wear robes to be as effective as actual UN peacekeepers! Oh wait, not really.

Regardless, anyone with half a brain knows that Umada and Yunyun are crazy to ask to be officially recognized as Jedis. For one thing, too old to start the training are they.

Watch your back, Emmitt ... Karina may be waiting in the parking lot with an ice pick

Well, I voted for Emmit Smith (yeah -- I voted ... you got a problem with that? It's my duty as an American), so I'm happy for him. But some guys really have all the luck -- to be a three-time Super Bowl winner and have possession of the cheesy disco ball trophy? Spread it around, my friend!

But instead of wallowing, I'm going to follow Emmit's lead and reach for that seemingly unattainable goal. That's right: I'm going to become the NFL's all-time leading rusher!

Or maybe just try to wear green sparkly shoes without getting beaten up ...

This week's column:Going from bad to Worcester

You should always figure you’re probably in trouble if you find yourself asking the question, "How hard could it be?" You know, like, "How hard could it be to replace the Central Artery with an underground tunnel?" or, "How hard could it be to establish a democratic government in the heart of the Middle East?"

After an experience I had last week, I’ll add another question to that list: "How hard could it be to kill a couple of hours in Worcester, Mass.?"

It started when I volunteered to drive my wife and daughter to Worcester (pronounced "Woosta-chestah-shire") to see the Cheetah Girls at the DCU Center. For the uninformed, the Cheetah Girls are a trio of squeaky-clean multicultural teenagers who sing and dance in Disney Channel movies. And they’re not the same as the Pussycat Dolls -- boy, did I find that out the hard way.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

This week's column:Every dog has his Election Day

With Election Day coming up, it’s worth noting that although voter turnout continues to be abysmal, most polling places have yet to institute any kind of free giveaways, like toasters or scratch tickets. Polls of non-voters continue to point to this as a huge error -- even at a blood drive you at least get cookies.

But the main thing keeping people away from the polls, it turns out, is the fact that voters are confused and intimidated. They have a lot of questions: Who should they vote for? How will the issues on the ballot affect them in the future? Which of these candidates would warrant an "8" or better from Bruno Tonioli? Etc.

Well, first of all, before deciding which candidate to vote for in a particular race, you should make sure to do each of the following:

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

'Well, people kept ringing the bell!'

The thing about bus hijackers: They're always doing things like blowing the bus up or putting a bomb in it that will go off it it drops below 60 mph. But very few of them continue making all the stops. That's why our Bus Hijacker of the Week award goes to 15-year-old Ritchie Davis of Florida, who not only stole a bus from the Orange County, Fla., fairgrounds, but took the passengers on their route without a hitch, except for the part where one of them called 911 and he was pulled over and arrested.

An apparent serial bus stealer, Davis is on probation for stealing a charter bus and driving passengers around. "This happened like three times, so I guess he really do like driving buses," said his father, who at least now knows what to get him for Chrismas. I hear the Trailways ones are pretty nice.

But don't worry, the chickens will still be bound in tiny pens and painfully slaughtered

I don't know about you, but when I go into Kentucky Fried Chicken, it's not for the tender, crispy chicken strips, the juicy boneless wings, nor even the whipped-to-perfection potatoes and gravy. No, I go there for the trans fats ... those sweet, golden vats of oily heaven.

So what am I to think now that I hear KFC is going trans fat free, effective this spring? Is nothing sacred? What's next -- McDonald's hamburgers that won't cause an immediate shutdown of your gastric system?

I know, I know: KFC President Gregg Dedrick says there will be absolutely "no compromise" in the taste of their food -- everything from their Original Recipe to their Extra Crispy will taste exactly the same. But ... We'll know, Gregg. We'll know.

This week's column:So what's the deal with Halloween?

It's time once again for "Mr. Holiday" to answer your holiday queries. This week: Halloween.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:

I had planned to dress as a straightjacketed maniac this Halloween, but then I read that the National Alliance on Mental Illness is upset about costumes like this. Should I change my plans?

Going Crazy in Canton

Dear Going:
Absolutely not! Mental health professionals are notoriously touchy, but it shouldn't be a problem as long as we make it a point to be sensitive in the way we portray nut jobs and wackos. It would be a shame to get rid of those types of costumes and attractions altogether, because Halloween is really the only day of the year we have to celebrate raving psychopaths. I mean besides Election Day.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

This is why more and more financial advisors are recommending death

A hearty congratulations to Kurt Cobain, who knocked Elvis out to take the top spot on Forbes' annual list of top-earning dead celebrities! On the down side, of course, he's still dead.

This week's column:Never too early to fall into winter

You may have noticed that the days have started getting darker and colder, and yet for some reason your drawers are still full of tank tops and bathing suits. This is because you're in a very profound form of denial and -- like the residents of Buffalo, N.Y. -- will soon leave your house without so much as a windbreaker and walk directly into a 6-foot snow bank, not to be discovered until you're thawed out by archaeologists in the year 7012.

Yes, despite the odd 70-degree day, winter is bearing down on us. This is why I spent my vacation last week preparing my household for that unavoidable eventuality, as humans have been doing for centuries. We're just like the Pilgrims in that regard, if the Pilgrims had needed to figure out which screens went into what windows after they removed their air conditioners.

So with that fresh in my mind, I thought I would offer up the following winter preparation checklist. Like the squirrels foraging for nuts in between their attacks on park rangers, you are not ready for winter unless you've done each of the following:

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

He should have sprung for the shatterproof glass

Another good reason not to be a billionaire: You might accidentally poke a hole in your $130 million Picasso with your elbow.

Looking around my house, the most expensive thing I'm in danger of poking a hole in with one of my extremities is my $200 TV set, and that's only if I get really, really mad at Bruno Tonioli.

Luckily for billionaire casino owner Steve Wynn, that's just a drop in the bucket, and I'm sure he has plenty of other art to hang in its place while it's being restored. Meanwhile, he may want to consider getting his elbows trimmed.

What would Li'l Kim say?

For those of you concerned about our nation's prison system, never fear: They're finally forcing female visitors to wear bras. This is apparently coming as a major disappointment to all the women who enjoy flashing their naked bosoms at their convict boyfriends. And you thought you were in a dysfunctional relationship.

Officials at the Vanderburgh, Va. County Jail (motto: "Where the Visitors Don't Expose Themselves") hope the new dress code "will create a more family friendly environment." Presumably the next step will be teaching the guards how to fold balloon animals.

This week's column:Space elevator plan on the up-and-up

You’ve probably heard about how scientists, at this very moment, are coming up with a plan to build an elevator into space. Now, you may ask, why do we need an elevator into space? Well, the obvious answer is, because it makes more sense than an escalator into space.

Still, I’m concerned the scientists may not have thought this thing through. It seems to me they’ve spent far too much time developing the carbon nanotubes necessary to haul passengers and equipment 62,000 miles into space, and not nearly enough time considering something equally pressing, namely, what music do you play in an elevator that travels 62,000 miles? That’s a long time to listen to instrumental versions of "I’ll Never Fall in Love Again" by Burt Bacharach.

For instance, it seems to me an elevator trip that long could easily accommodate entire concept albums, like Pink Floyd’s "The Wall," "(Music from) The Elder" by Kiss and Styx’s "Kilroy was Here." Although hopefully not all of them in a row, or you’ll have people opting to jettison themselves out of the airlock and explode.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.