Column: Help! I think I may be middle-aged!

Thank you for your interest in our program, “Help! I Think I May be Middle-Aged!” Please be assured that many people have similar concerns to yourself; however, just because you’re beginning to feel middle-aged doesn’t mean you actually are. It could be allergies.

With that in mind, please take a few minutes to complete this simple test, which will determine whether or not middle age is really taking its toll.

1) You’ve cut yourself while shaving:
a) The top of your head (5 points)
b) Your ears (10 points)
c) Your back (15 points)
d) Other non-facial area (please don’t share which — 20 points)

2) True or False: Some idiot from the oldies station keeps playing recent songs, like “Heart and Soul” by Huey Lewis and the News. (“True” — 10 points)

3) Your children respond to your jokes with:
a) Gurgling (0 points)
b) Polite laughter (5 points)
c) Eye movements that make you fear their eyes will retract into the backs of their heads, never to be seen again (10 points)
d) The icy glare of death (15 points)

4) True or false: You tend to think of your parents as younger than you actually are right now. (“True” — 10 points)

5) Finish this sentence: “My idea of a wild night is ____.”
a) Attending a concert (1 point)
b) Watching a concert on TV (5 points)
c) Watching the late news on TV (10 points)
d) Sitting down to watch the late news and waking up on the couch in the middle of the night, drooling on myself (15 points)

6) Essay: List all the medications and vitamins you are currently taking on a regular basis. (5 points per medication, 3 per vitamin, extra 10 points if any of them are blue)

7) Fill in the blank: “What are you complaining about? When I was a kid, we only had ____ channels!”
a) 100 (0 points)
b) 50 (5 points)
c) 13 (10 points)
d) 3 (15 points)
e) What’s a channel? (25 points)

8) How would you classify your relationship with your spouse?
a) Steamy (0 points)
b) Romantic (5 points)
c) Comfortable (10 points)
d) Don’t bother us, we’re on the couch drooling (15 points)

9) Which “Batman” villain do you most resemble?
a) The Joker (1 point)
b) King Tut (5 points)
c) Egghead (10 points)
d) The Penguin (15 points)

10) How may pairs of glasses do you own? Give yourself 5 points for each pair.

11) Which of the following statements best describes your reaction upon entering your most recent high school reunion?
a) “You haven’t changed a bit!” (1 point)
b) “You haven’t changed a bit, other than looking vaguely plastic and frozen!” (5 points)
c) “Who are all these old people?” (10 points)
d) “Why does the DJ keep playing recent songs, like ‘Heart and Soul’ by Huey Lewis and the News?” (15 points)

12) Quick! Who do you think of when someone mentions the first lady of the United States?
a) Michele Obama! (0 points)
b) Laura Bush! (5 points)
c) Hillary Clinton! (10 points)
d) Lady Bird Johnson! (100 points)

Your score:

60 or under: You have nothing to worry about. Get back to your trendy raving club, you hipster.

61-100: You have some time left, but middle age is bearing down on you like a paunchy, graying freight train.

101-150: We’re sorry to inform you that you are squarely in the throes of middle age. Please step away from those jeggings. We’re talking to you, sir.

151 or higher: Middle age must be sounding pretty good right now. If you can still remember it.