So, for those of you who aren’t too depressed to read on, here are this year’s reasons to give thanks:
· You didn’t run against Barack Obama.
· Tina Fey didn’t do a blistering imitation of you on national television. Six times.
· You weren’t the one who had to go in and face the Steinbrenners after the Yankees didn’t make the playoffs.
· Your failures weren’t so immense that they necessitated an act of Congress and $700 billion in tax dollars.
· You weren’t replaced as lead singer by an imitator your bandmates found on YouTube. Unless you are Steve Perry of Journey or Jon Anderson of Yes, in which case you have my condolences.
· Your sequel didn’t star Shia LaBeouf.
· You’re not out for the season.
· You, your car, your kid, your dog and your house have yet to be driven into by Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.
· Your wife didn’t go to jail for trying to kill your online avatar, like a woman in Japan. Actually, the Tokyo woman was just charged with hacking, not murder, since it’s still not illegal to kill a fake digital person, even in Japan.
· You weren’t trampled to death by teenage girls while shopping for Dockers at a mall hosting an appearance by somebody in the movie “Twilight.”
· Joe Biden is vice president of the United States and not a guest at your next dinner party.
· Ellen didn’t try to give you her dog.
· Your bunk bed hasn’t killed you yet, even though the journal Pediatrics recently concluded that bunk beds are more dangerous than regular beds. This apparently has something to do with placing a bed 6 feet in the air rather than on the ground, although it will probably take another million or so in grant money to confirm that.
· You’re not a Republican. Unless you are, in which case you have my condolences.
· Unlike the people behind “Speed Racer,” you didn’t spend $100 million on what wound up essentially being the world’s longest Mentos commercial.
· You, your car, your kid, your dog and your house have yet to be driven into by Jerry Seinfeld or Billy Joel.
· You didn’t work on your next album for 15 long years, only to have people say, “Eh. What else have you got?”
· You don’t have a show on the CW. The CW. You know, it’s a network.
· The Chinese government hasn’t recruited your 11-year-old daughter for its Olympic gymnastics team.
· Times may be a little tougher than usual this Thanksgiving, but at least you didn’t buy a house, car and/or TV that you can’t possibly actually pay for.
Oh, you did? Well, at least everybody else did, too.
Peter Chianca is a managing editor for Gatehouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to firstname.lastname@example.org, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”