Sunday, October 12, 2008
Column: Take the undecided voters quiz
Despite the candidates guide I wrote not too long ago, it seems there are some people who still have not decided who to vote for in the upcoming presidential election. I suppose this could have something to do with the candidates guide being completely made up, but in my defense, I was just following the new mainstream media motto: “The Mainstream Media: We Make Stuff Up.”
I’m told the undecided people are typically not Democrats or Republicans, who have known who to vote for since they emerged from their mother’s wombs with an innate affection for social welfare programs and tax rebates, respectively. Instead we’re talking about, at last count, about 40 uncommitted people in Ohio and/or Florida who never get asked out to dinner because they wind up just staring at the menu for hours, paralyzed. (“Darn it … I should have ordered the McGovern.”)
These are the people the candidates are truly trying to woo. Obama’s doing it by offering them change, primarily in the form of rolled quarters dumped into their driveways by Chicago teamsters. As for McCain, he’s promised to make each and every one of them vice president of the United States.
So I’m here to help make their decision a little easier by offering them a simple quiz that will determine who they should vote for. All they need to do is answer the following questions, and if they don’t know the answers, they should probably just give up and move to Finland, where they choose their leaders through Cow Pie Bingo.
Question 1: Are you a fan of change? If so, you’re in luck, since both candidates are planning to change everything they possibly can, including the drapes.
So the question then becomes, what kind of change do you like? You should vote for McCain if you like the kind of change that involves pretty much what was going on before, but coming from an older, balder person. But you should vote for Obama if you like the kind of extensive change that requires a serious commitment of time and resources, and possibly magic beans.
Question 2: Are you a maverick? You can tell if you are by whether you often order extra sugar in your iced coffee, or drive a Mini Cooper, or hang steadfastly on to your boot cut jeans in the hopes they will come back in style. If the answer is yes, you should vote for McCain, who regularly, when asked to vote with his fellow Republicans on controversial issues, strangled them to death with their own suspenders.
Question 3: Are you concerned with America’s standing in the world? If you are, you should vote for Obama, who has Joe Biden standing by to deliver edible fruit arrangements to dozens of world leaders, without preconditions.
But if you’re more of an America-first kind of guy, you should vote for McCain, who is not going to give other nations an inch, even though we owe them trillions of dollars. He’s also not going to make out with the leaders of Saudi Arabia to get their oil like Bush did, probably.
Question 4: Do you like to “shoot from the hip”? If so, you should vote for McCain, who’s always doing spontaneous things; for instance, suspending his campaign for no reason, and choosing his vice president from the Hot Governors 2008 calendar. He’s also willing to stay in Iraq for 100 years, but has already pulled out of Michigan.
Meanwhile, if anyone has ever asked you if you have a pole stuck in any of your bodily orifices, Obama is your man.
Question 5: Do you like celebrities? Then you should definitely vote for Obama, who has promised a cabinet made up of Oprah, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, Leonardo DiCaprio and the original Broadway cast of “The Wiz.”
Of course, if your main goal is just to have somebody who wants what’s best for America, whether that person is belligerent and doddering or has the executive experience of a turnip, then the most important thing is simply that you vote for somebody.
But if you want to know who to vote for in Finland, I’m stumped. You’ll have to ask the cow.
To receive At Large by e-mail, write to firstname.lastname@example.org, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”