If you listen, you can hear the steam coming out of Nancy Grace's nostrils

You know what this other little finger could use?
A Band-Aid! Jeeves, bring one immediately!

Things we can safely say Michael Jackson is guilty of:

• Popularizing the red leather jumpsuit.
• Declaring himself "King of Pop," which, let's face it, was fairly presumptuous.
• Making J.M. Barrie roll over in his grave.
• Calling Tommy Mottola "devilish" -- this, about the man who discovered Mariah Carey!
• Baby dangling.
• "Captain Eo," which, granted, was not nearly as egregious as "Living with the Land." What a yawner!
• Holding his own nose hostage for more than 18 years.
• Prompting millions of unprepared white people to try to moonwalk, leading to advanced ankle strain.
• Poor, poor Bubbles.
• "Say, Say, Say." Enough said.