AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: First Lady Vows To Humiliate One Fat Kid Per Week

WASHINGTON (CAP) - First Lady Michelle Obama has fired the latest salvo in her battle against obesity, launching an "Obesity Poster Child" program that will call out one overweight child per week in a national ad campaign.

"It's easy to tell people to eat right, exercise and get outside instead of sitting in front of a TV or computer screen," wrote Obama in a press release on the new program. "But what will really drive the point home is an image of an actual overweight child whose life is bound to be hampered by poor health and social isolation, especially after his or her picture runs in every magazine and newspaper in America.

"Also on billboards," she added.

The pictures, to be snapped surreptitiously by prominent obesity photographer Lucas Earls, will feature children between the ages of approximately 7 and 13 who clearly meet the national standards for obesity.

"If they happen to be holding a corn dog at the time, all the better," said Earls, who plans to scour the entire country for subjects, but mostly Alabama.

Anticipating criticism about using photos of children, Sally Caruthers, spokeswoman for the First Lady's "Let's Move" program, noted that the organization would be obtaining written consent from the parents of each subject. Also, the photos will be taken from angles that accentuate the children's prodigious girth, not their facial features, she said.

"It's very likely that only their family and friends will be able to identify them," noted Caruthers.

The first subject, Olivia Funderburk, is an 8-year-old from Jacksons' Gap, Ala., approximately 3-foot-11-inches tall and 112 pounds. In ads set to debut nationally tomorrow, she's pictured at the Tallapoosa County Flea Market with a giant piece of fried dough hanging out of her mouth.

Under her image is the message, "Don't let your child end up like Olivia. At least not if you want grandchildren someday."

"I came up with that last part myself," noted Earls.

Asked by CAP News why they agreed to allow their daughter's image to be used in the program, Olivia's mother, Jessica Funderbunk, 27, noted, "Because she'll be on TV, duh!"

The Funderbunks have apparently already lined up several local endorsement deals based on Olivia's newfound fame, including from the flea market where she was photographed, a car dealership and a fried dough manufacturer.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Previously Unknown Hockey Team Discovered In Boston

BOSTON (CAP) - Thousands of Massachusetts residents are reeling this week at the discovery of a professional hockey team that has apparently been operating unnoticed in their midst for decades.

"I can't believe I never knew about this before," said Patti Johansen of Woburn, Mass., who, like most Boston-area residents, thought the state had only three professional sports teams, the Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics. "Although for a while there in the '90s, I forgot about the Celtics too."

The team, known as the "Boston Bruins," apparently in reference to a type of bear, began to appear on Boston residents' radar screens late last month after suddenly turning up in the Stanley Cup Finals.

"And they're pretty good, too," noted a clearly surprised David O'Kennedy, a Boston media critic. "I watched a few minutes of their game the other night, and that Patricia Bergeron, she was excellent."

A CAP News investigation found that the team, contrary to the popular local belief that it must have been formed sometime during the last two to three months, has actually been toiling in obscurity since 1924, and for much of that time has even had its games broadcast on local television.

"Every so often I'd flip by them on the TV, but I never stopped because I'm not a fan of skating," said Richard Vanderhaven of Cambridgeport.

Oddly enough, many of the residents who until days ago didn't know of the Bruins' existence have thrown themselves wholeheartedly behind their efforts, purchasing thousands of dollars worth of jerseys, hats, T-shirts, jewelry, tote bags, calendars and glowsticks (with lanyard).

"I'd go into Olympia [Sports, a New England sporting goods chain] and there would be this little corner with shirts with B's on them and stuff," said Jon Zincway of Dedham, decked out in a Bruins jersey, baseball cap, temporary face tattoo and foam finger while waiting in line at the TD Banknorth Garden to buy tickets for the Stanley Cup Finals last week. "If I'd known they were for an actual hockey team I would have bought all this stuff much sooner, as long as they, you know, won all the time."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Scientists Discover 'Superbad' Cholesterol

NEW YORK (CAP) - Researchers at NYU Medical Center have discovered a new, stickier and more deadly form of bad cholesterol they're calling "superbad" cholesterol, according to findings acquired by CAP News.

The study found that unlike normal bad cholesterol, known as LDL, which gradually attaches itself to arterial walls and clogs the arteries, superbad cholesterol immediately fills up entire arteries "like you stuck a caulking gun down there," wrote the study's coordinator, Dr. Bentley Worthington, in a preface to the findings.

According to the report, America's changing dietary habits likely led to the development of this ultra-bad cholesterol.

"Much like stronger bacteria have formed in response to anti-bacterial sprays and lotions, cholesterol too has adapted as we consume more and more saturated and trans fats," wrote Worthington. "You can only eat so many KFC Double Down sandwiches before your body finds a way to fight back.

"And I'm not just talking about all the pooping," he added, in what was apparently a rough draft of the study.

The study was leaked to CAP News by a researcher who asked not to be identified, claiming that the findings were being suppressed by "powerful forces" determined not to see them come to light before the Memorial Day weekend.

"They had a lot of hamburgers and hot dogs they needed to push, and were afraid these findings would stymie sales," claimed the researcher, who quoted a Kraft company executive as telling the hospital's board, "It's all psychological. You yell cardiomyopathy, everybody says, 'Huh? What?' You yell superbad cholesterol, we've got a panic on our hands on Memorial Day weekend!"

Kraft spokesman Michael Hirschberg denies the allegations, saying that Kraft always has the good health of its customers in mind. He pointed to the company's new "Eat Sensibly" advertisements, featuring their spokesman, competitive hot dog eater Joey Chestnut.

A study of the findings reveals why they might raise concern among some food manufacturers. In addition to clogging the arteries at an alarming rate - "one Cinnabon can be enough to do it," it found - pieces of the superbad cholesterol can flake off the artery wall and travel directly to the heart, where they cause the aorta to expand and eventually explode in a tremendous chest-extruding fireball.

The study mentions one test case, Karl Stubens of Estill Springs, Tenn., who weighed more than 350 pounds and admitted to eating at Arby's more than four times a week. Stubens told researchers his high cholesterol could be blamed on "family history." Then his chest blew up.

"It was like that scene in Alien, except instead of a little creature popping out, it was an Angus Three Cheese & Bacon hoagie," the study read.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Report: Social Security Will Run Out In 20 Minutes

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Trustees of the nation's Social Security trust fund announced today that, contrary to previous estimations that the fund would run dry in 2037, it's now expected to be depleted in about 20 minutes, give or take a few minutes.

"The economic outlook remains more uncertain than usual, but we've gone over the numbers several times, and we're pretty sure it will be gone in about 20 minutes," said Richard Anderson, the fund's chief actuary, at a press conference this morning.

Looking at his watch, he added, "Make that 19 minutes."

Several unanticipated factors contributed to the accelerated depletion of the fund, according to Anderson, including an unprecedented number of retired people living into their 90s and beyond. "Where are the death panels when you need them?" asked Anderson.

"Um ... Just a little Social Security humor there," he added when the comment was greeted with stony silence.

The numbers were confirmed almost immediately by a study conducted at the Pew Research Center. "We now realize it would have probably been a good idea to look into this sooner," said Pew Center spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel, noting that their researchers had been otherwise occupied with their study of superheroine breast size.

The announcement has led to concern and in some cases panic among elderly Social Security recipients. There have been reports of runs on cat food at convenience stores around the U.S., with lines of senior citizens in some cases stretching several times around the inside of the establishments.

"Luckily they have the Keno to keep them occupied," noted Radhee Nawwaf, owner of the Cumberland Farms on Route 46 in Moonachie, N.J.

As for Medicare's trust fund, originally thought to be solvent through approximately 2029, "that ran out a week ago Tuesday," according to Anderson.

"People will probably realize it when their Lisinopril prescriptions start to run out," Anderson noted.

Senior advocates expressed shock and dismay at the development, noting that millions of senior citizens rely on Medicare for their basic health care needs. "When we see a spike in back-alley colonoscopies, don't say we didn't warn you," said Brian Fincher of the senior citizen watchdog group Citizens for Retired Associates and Professionals.

"Er ... and when I say 'see a spike in back-alley colonoscopies,' I'm not speaking literally, hopefully," Fincher added.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

It's the end of the world as we know it ... And you heard it here first!

You may recall back in November when, in a column about the impending end of the world, I wondered why I seemed to be the only news outlet covering it. Specifically:

I’m referring of course to a press release I received recently from the “Hourglass Watchman” of the eBible Fellowship with the heading “A Message to the Media of the World,” which apparently includes me. Not one to bury the lead, the Watchman gets right to the point:

“May 21, 2011 — Judgment Day. God will begin to destroy the World and this Universe with a worldwide earthquake. October 21, 2011 — The End of the World. The World and the entire Cosmos will be totally destroyed by fire.”

Considering most of the press releases I get include either the phrases “craft fair” or “ham and bean supper,” this would obviously be considered Big News. But oddly enough, I’ve yet to see reportage on this by any of the rest of the Media of the World, which must still be busy tracking the Black Friday tramplings.

Well, as it turns out I was just ahead of the media curve, which seems to have caught up to me now, less than a week before the beginning of the end, when there's very little people can do about it, short of possibly making post-Rapture arrangements for their pets.

Although it's probably worth noting that as of this morning there were only 254 Rapture-related news stories on Google News, as compared to 4,053 stories about Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child.

If that's not a sign that the end is nigh, I don't know what is.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Bob Dylan Explains Something, No One Quite Sure What

NEW YORK (CAP) - In a rare statement to his fans on his website, Bob Dylan this week explained something, possibly the recent controversy over his concerts in China, although no one seems to know exactly.

"Well my daddy, he didn't leave me much, you know he was a very simple man, but what he did tell me was this," Dylan wrote on bobdylan.com. "He did say, son, he said, China's mighty big, but I'll tell you what's bigger - God, your mammy and pappy, and maybe even your dog, depending on the breed."

The statement is accompanied by a black-and-white photo of Dylan with his hands in the pockets of his knickerbockers, his wicker trilby hat angled jauntily at the back of his head.

Dylanologists have been poring over the statement to discern its meaning. Most are in agreement that it has something to do with his recent China concerts, which were notoriously slammed by columnist Maureen Dowd in the New York Times. "Although it's possible he may just be talking about his dog," said Fred Tarshbuck, professor of Dylan Studies at Berkley.

Dowd's column takes Dylan to task for going to China where, she wrote, he "sang his censored set, took his pile of Communist cash and left." However, there's no evidence that the Chinese government censored Dylan, and several media pundits have reported that Dowd has never actually heard a Dylan song. She's also been rumored to have written the column on her Blackberry in a cab just minutes before her deadline.

Asked whether she did any actual reporting for the column, Dowd responded, "Do you know who I am? I'm Maureen Dowd, goddammit - I'm a columnist for the goddamn New York Times!" Columnists for the New York Times are prohibited from doing any actual reporting, according to a representative from the Newspaper Guild.

Dowd also defended her musical pedigree, claiming to have once had coffee with Celine Dion.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Study: More Than 80% Of Internet Is Pictures Of Cats

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A sizable majority of the Internet is taken up by pictures of cats, according to a new study out of the Pew Research Center.

"Cats have always taken up at least half the Internet, but they've really pulled away in this study," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel of the Pew Center, who noted that when the center conducted a similar survey in 2009, pictures of cats led videos of people injuring themselves by only a relatively small 18 percent margin.

"Now nobody's within 30 points of the cats," he said.

The study breaks down the pictures of cats into the following categories:

1) Kittens;
2) Fat cats;
3) Cats canoodling with other animals (dogs, mice, babies, other cats, ferrets, etc.);
4) Cats wearing clothes (mostly hats);
5) Cats wielding lightsabers;
6) That cat with the lime peel on its head;
7) Catwoman (NSFW).

"The bandwith required for the kittens and fat cats alone is greater than that taken up by Amazon, Google and the Pentagon combined," said Spitznagel, who noted that it took researchers more than a year to compile the information. "Although we were able to carry over much of the Catwoman data from our study of superheroine breast size," he noted.

Pew researchers were hard pressed to explain the feline photo surge, but Stanford University economist Wendall Wuffie says the state of the economy could be the cause, in much the same way the economic collapse of fall 2008 led to a run on cardboard turkeys.

"During tough times, people turn to stress relievers that make them feel more relaxed despite an uncertain future," said Wuffie. "And what makes people feel more relaxed than a picture of a soft, fluffy, happy kitty?

"Aside from all the porn, I mean," he added.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: No way to treat a Lady Gaga

There comes a time in every columnist’s life where he must take a stand, one way or another, on Lady Gaga. If Walter Winchell were alive today, I’m reasonably sure he would agree with me.

The only problem is, believe it or not, I’m torn on the Gaga issue. On the one hand it would be very easy to dismiss a woman who goes out in public wearing bubbles and metal breastplates and meat (not at the same time, probably) as an artist for whom “the music” isn’t a top priority. On the other, I heard her single “Born This Way” once and it attached itself full-on to my brain, possibly entering through my nasal cavity like the creature in “Alien.”

With those things in mind, I’ve decided to do what every good journalist should; namely, make a list of pros and cons and, after considering them carefully, come down on the side I consider to be most offensive to Republicans.

So here we go:

Pro: Lady Gaga is a better singer than Madonna. I’m talking about sheer vocal ability, not things like phrasing and breath control, which are hard to think about when you’re covered with meat. As you’ve probably heard, some say “Born This Way” is a rip-off of Madonna’s “Express Yourself,” and in fact, this week a PR woman offered me the chance to analyze both songs note by note with an instructor from SAE Institute of Audio Engineering. I declined, opting instead to coax a cat into clawing out my eardrums.

Con: Lady Gaga is NOT a better singer than Edith Piaf. This may be true, but I would have liked to see Edith Piaf croon “La Vie En Rose” in a clear plastic dress with black electrical tape across her bosoms. Probably more than I care to admit.

Pro: Lady Gaga has professed herself to be “a huge Bruce Springsteen fan.” She even got Springsteen saxophonist Clarence Clemons to play on her new album, which for me is a bizarre collision of worlds — sort of like when Bob Dylan did that Victoria’s Secret commercial, although thankfully not in a clear plastic dress.

Con: Lady Gaga got into a public feud with “Weird Al” Yankovic. They’ve since worked things out, and Gaga is allowing Yankovic to go forward with his parody of “Born This Way.” Which is good, because I’d have to take Al’s side in that dispute — he remains the most famous person I’ve ever interviewed, primarily because Pee-Wee Herman won’t take my calls.

Pro: Lady Gaga is not afraid to promote personal expression by wearing bubbles and metal breastplates and meat. This is in stark contrast to more conventional performers, such as Rod Stewart, who has spent the last 30 years wearing the same Rod Stewart costume.

Con: Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” video inspired thousands of fans to start wearing enlarged “circle” contact lenses, creating an entire generation of teenage girls who look like Bratz dolls. This would seem to indicate that it’s only a matter of time before her “Little Monsters” are also regularly engaging in hair sculpting, eye stretching and thigh elongation.

Given that, along with the fact that I have a daughter whose teen years are bearing down on both of us like a hormonal freight train, I think in the final analysis I have to deny Lady Gaga my full support — at least until she tarts it down a bit. Call me old fashioned, but even if I had her talents, you wouldn’t see me dancing around wearing nothing but lace body suits and police tape.

On the other hand, I’m reasonably sure you wouldn’t want to.

Peter Chianca is editor-in-chief for GateHouse Media New England's North Unit. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Obama Budget Plan Would Save 'One Life To Live'

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Barack Obama continued to reveal details of his deficit-reduction plan this week, including a controversial provision that would raise taxes on the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans in order to save the recently cancelled ABC soap opera One Life To Live.

"One Life To Live is, uh, part of the cornerstone, the bedrock of American culture," said Obama in a press conference Monday. "How many of us spent lonely afternoons following the adventures of, you know, Bo and Clint Buchanan, and Viki, who suffered from dissociative identity disorder and became Niki, the sexually promiscuous party girl, and Karen and Larry Wolek, who, uh, had control chips implanted in their brains by the evil Dr. Ivan Kipling."

Obama recalled rearranging the rabbit-ears antenna on his small, black-and-white TV set as a youth in order to pick up the soap opera. "It was often very tough to get the signal there in Kenya," he said. "By which I mean, of course, Honolulu."

The budget provision, which would filter funds gleaned from the tax hike directly to ABC-TV in much the same way PBS and National Public Radio receive government funding, has not surprisingly drawn fire from the GOP.

"This type of thing is exactly the reason the country is in the fiscal trouble it's in," said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), whose own budget plan would drastically slash Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, public education, environmental protection, social services and snow plowing, as well as eliminate road repairs on thoroughfares that go by senior centers and homeless shelters.

Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl - who drew fire recently when he said that "well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does" is abortions, when the number is actually 3 percent - also spoke out against Obama's plan.

"Actually, what I had meant to say is the well over 90 percent of what One Life To Live characters do is get abortions," said Kyl. A CAP News study of episodes of the soap opera since its debut in 1968 shows that in this case, Kyl's figure is actually a little low.

And potential Republican presidential contender Sarah Palin, star of Sarah Palin's Alaska, called Obama's One Life To Live plan "redonkulous," saying, "Who wants to watch a big, dysfunctional family of crazies with dumb names say stupid things and go all over the place having babies and silly stuff like that?"

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: In New England, spring’s the thing

It was Mark Twain who said, “It’s spring fever.... You don’t quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” And given the fact that he has a bestselling book out even though he’s been dead for 100 years, I guess you have to give the guy some credit for not being an idiot.

For me, it usually takes at least until mid-February before I start peering wistfully through the frost on my living room window, imagining lush green grass instead of layers of snow. Never mind that under that snow is grass a leathery shade of brown and leaves that I never got around to raking up last fall. It’s the idea of green grass that gets me nostalgic for spring, not to mention the fact that my nose has probably frozen to the windowpane.

But this year, that feeling was already prevalent by the end of January, when all the snowstorms had made the average trip down my driveway like a run through the Death Star trench. Every time I visited the mall I got nervous that one of the giant piles of snow that had been plowed into a corner of the parking lot would fall over onto my car, and they’d find me in it after the spring thaw, sucking on old Happy Meal wrappers.

But spring fever isn’t just about putting the winter behind you. It’s about convincing yourself that once spring arrives you’re actually going to go out and do spring-like things, like taking a state park flower tour in order to sniff in the nectar of the budding season. Then spring actually comes and you suddenly recall your deathly fear of bees, and the fact that baseball is on TV.

But we at least occasionally do make good on our plans to get outdoors and embrace the onset of spring, and by “we” I mean those of us who have been trapped in the house with kids for three months. That’s what motivated my wife and me, for instance, to trek the family out to the Ipswich River Wildlife Sanctuary one March Sunday several years back: to show our kids that if they think all their old video games are boring, just wait until they’ve watched an entire bucket of sap drip out of a sugar maple.

Spring fever also has a share of romance to it — my wife and I had our first date in springtime walking around Lake Quannapowitt in Wakefield, which would have been much less dreamy if we’d been in snow up to our thighs. But springtime is just generally more conducive to love, if only because when you try to hug during the winter in all those layers, you tend to bounce off each other like the fake sumo wrestlers at Lowell Spinners games.

But here in New England, maybe the fact that spring arrives at all is enough to justify a hearty bout of spring fever. It could be that Twain’s elusive thing we want is just evidence that we pulled through another winter, proving our resilience in the face of adversity and spurring our annual rebirth.

And I’d run right outside and enjoy it if baseball wasn’t on.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. This column appeared originally in North Shore Life magazine; for more, visit northshore.lifemagsonline.com. Follow Peter Chianca on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca.

AT LARGE Fake News Thursday: Bruno Tonioli Gaining On Trump For GOP Nom

NEW YORK (CAP) - A USA Today/Gallup poll this week found real estate mogul and Apprentice star Donald Trump to be the reality TV personality most likely to get the GOP nomination for president. But Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli is coming up fast, according to the results.

The poll of 5,000 likely voters found 17 percent favoring Trump, with 14 percent voting for Tonioli, which is within the margin of error. Rounding out the list were:

• Lauren Conrad of The Hills (11 percent)
• Flava Flav of Flavor Of Love (8 percent)
• Snooki of Jersey Shore and Corbin Bernsen of Celebrity Mole Yucatan (tie, 6 percent each)
• Steven Seagal of Steven Seagal Lawman (5 percent)
  

More than 100 other reality stars made up the other 33 percent of those named as presidential contenders, including Tila Tequila, Danny Bonaduce, Gene Simmons, the woman who dressed like a pirate on season 3 of Wife Swap, and Sarah Palin.

Tonioli, for his part, said he was "just amazingly astounded" at finishing so closely behind Trump, particularly given he hasn't gone any farther than establishing an exploratory committee and printing some buttons with the slogan "Bruno: You Know You Want Him!"

"Being president would be hot, it would be sexy - it would be Mr. Hips Goes to Washington!" said Toniolo, shaking his midsection in what might possibly have been a Salsa or a Pasa Doble.

He also criticized President Obama, saying, "He looks like giant Slim Jim sliding down a fire pole!" and gesticulating wildly.

Trump, for his part, says he's not fazed by the results, and immediately demanded that Toniolo produce his birth certificate. "You can't tell me that this guy was born in America," Trump told Meredith Vieira on the Today show. "He's harder to understand than Ivana was."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: 30 more signs you’re living with dogs

There’s nothing that gives a writer more of a sense of satisfaction and self-worth than drawing a reaction from his readers. So you can imagine how I usually feel after my column runs, when I’m sitting fruitlessly in front of my e-mail screen like a deluded Charlie Brown parked at his mailbox waiting for Valentines.

But not this time. Yes, I’ve written in the past about such hot-button topics as the end of the world, marital smell issues and humanity’s inevitable subjugation by killer robots, to nary a peep of feedback. But my February column on “Signs You May Be Living With Dogs” has drawn a steady (furry) flurry of e-mail responses, which can only lead me to one of the following conclusions: Even more people have dogs than I thought, or dogs have finally learned how to use the Internet.

You can see the full array of responses at The Longest Tail blog (blogs.wickedlocal.com/longesttail), and I recommend that you do, if only to reassure yourself that despite the fact there is probably a dog sleeping next to you in bed right now, perhaps one whose picture you put on your Christmas cards and whom you dress in little doggie sweaters, there is someone out there who is way, way more wacky a dog owner than you. OK, a lot of someones.

Meanwhile, here are a few of my favorite responses so far. Keep those e-mails coming! If your dogs haven’t chewed through your computer cord, that is.

You may be living with dogs if:

1) You have “baby safety” gates in doorways and across stairways, but you don’t have a baby.

2) You begin conversations with others by saying, “Sit, stay, speak.”

3) You catch yourself saying, “sit,” “stay” and “down” to your kids.

4) When the snow melts, your lawn is declared a Superfund site

5) When you move the furniture you find someone living under there.

6) Your coffee does not taste right without a few hairs.

7) The kitchen floor stays clean … for an hour.

8) There’s nose art on all the windows.

9) There’s lots of snoring in your bed and it isn’t your fiancé.

10) You often wear a fur coat and yet have never purchased one.

11) It sounds like Harpo Marx is in your living room.

12) Your household toys need to be squeakeotomized.

13) You have a huge collection of tennis balls, but there are no rackets to be found anywhere.

14) You actually bought an item called “Doggles.”

15) You add a paw to all of the cards you send to family and friends.

16) “Going to the spa” does not pertain to yourself or any two-legged member of your family.

17) Fur on your clothes doesn’t count as a reason to wash them.

18) The furniture that brings you the fondest memories are the pieces with teeth marks.

19) You always have to buy an extra ice cream cone (or hamburger, hold the pickle) for the hairy kid in the back seat.

20) The bank teller sends out biscuits instead of money.

21) You are always greeted warmly at the front door by someone who missed you terribly, is ridiculously excited that you are home and is COMPLETELY starving. (“Seriously, feed me now or I might pass out right here.”)

22) You carry towels in your trunk for impromptu river swims.

23) Stuffed animals living in your house have extremely short life expectancies.

24) The cats have to jump up on the counter to eat their dinner and you don’t apologize to company.

25) At Christmastime, there are stockings for “Santa Paws” to fill.

26) You know the names of all the dogs in the neighborhood, but not the owners’ names.

27) You step in indoor puddles, and the moisture is not from leaking pipes.

28) Leashes and collars are considered “fashion accessories.”

30) You always feel like you are the greatest, most wonderful person in the entire world.

And you’ll keep feeling that way, as long as the bank teller keeps sending out those biscuits.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. This year he’ll be taking an occasional detour from his “At Large” column to write about life with pets — you can follow his animal-related musings at twitter.com/longest_tail.

AT LARGE Fake News Wednesday: Obama Names George W. Bush Top Advisor On Libya

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Faced with mounting criticism over his decision to commit American troops to the international military action against Moammar Gadhafi in Libya, President Barack Obama has tapped former President George W. Bush to serve as his primary advisor on the conflict.

"We are assigning U.S. forces to a dangerous mission in a Muslim nation that poses no real threat to us, but whose instability could mire us in an expensive, pointless conflict for years to come," said Obama. "I though, who knows more about that than President Bush?"

Bush, reached by CAP News at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, admitted he was surprised when he first got the call.

"But that's mainly because when Laura said Obama was on the phone, I got him mixed up with Osama again," said Bush, chuckling. "When I first retired, [Bin Laden] used to call and taunt me sometimes ... Still want me dead or alive, you dumb infidel? - that kind of thing. But it turned out to be [former White House press secretary] Scotty McClellan trying to gaslight me."

But Bush said he was more than happy to heed the current president's call, saying he's already offered Obama some advice on the situation in Libya.

"For one thing, I would have declared Mission Accomplished days ago," said Bush. "Then I would have gone on vacation for a few weeks, you know, just to keep everybody distracticated."

Bush also advised Obama to start wearing a flight suit whenever possible. "A nice green one with the belts and straps and all the doohickeys," said Bush. "America loves doohickeys."

He then added, "I still wear mine around the ranch sometimes and give the cattle little inspirational decitations. We have seen the end of major grazing operations! That kind of thing."

Bush's appointment as an Obama advisor has prompted criticism from some quarters, however, including from another former president, Bill Clinton.

"People don't seem to remember that President Bush grossly mishandled the Iraq war, and is on record as having completely forgotten about it for a period of several months during his presidency," noted Clinton. "And he's been a huge disappointment to his father, my best friend."

[See the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Dropkick Murphys Singer Has Live Badger Removed From Throat

BOSTON (CAP) - Following his collapse at a Dropkick Murphys concert at the House of Blues recently, doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital treating singer Ken Casey removed a full-grown badger from a cavity that had formed in the rear of his throat.

"It was a ferret badger, which is the smallest of the badger species," said Dr. Hans Krasnal of Mass General. "But you still wouldn't want one in there if you could help it."

Krasnal says that badger infestations were actually quite common in the 17th and 18th centuries, when the animals were a major staple in the diets of Native Americans and colonists.

"It's much more rare today, but certainly not unheard of," Dr. Krasnal added, guessing that Casey may have picked up his badger while traveling abroad in Ireland in the mid-'90s, possibly during a particularly intense bender.

"You usually have to be pretty tanked for the little bugger to get in there without you noticing," said Dr. Krasnal.

Voice experts say the badger probably goes a long way toward explaining Casey's vocals on Dropkick Murphys songs like "I'm Shipping Up To Boston." Critic James Tate of absolutepunk.com described Casey's vocal style, in a review of 2005's The Warrior's Code, as "sounding as if he's got a live badger down there."

"I meant it as a compliment at the time," said Tate this week when contacted at Boston magazine, where he is now a home and garden columnist. "Who knew I was being so literal?"

Doctors have said that Casey is expected to make a full recovery, although his voice will likely never be the same. Casey's vocal coach, Mel Kulick of the Berklee College of Music, says some initial voice therapy sessions indicate Casey now sounds like a cross between Josh Groban and Barry Manilow.

"And a little bit of Enya ... I definitely hear Enya in there," said Kulick.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: To bee or not to (spelling) bee

I have now been through three elementary school spelling bees, two with my daughter and one with my son, and each time I’ve wondered how this age-old tradition has managed to survive the movement to eradicate all vestiges of competition from American childhood. Clearly somebody’s been paid off.

Think about it: We don’t let kids count goals or runs scored, and routinely award them with trophies simply for showing up (or, if they don’t show up, we bring the trophies to their house later to show them there are no hard feelings). And yet the spelling bee continues, wherein we march 9-year-olds in front of an auditorium full of people and attempt to make them look stupid. It’s refreshing.

Actually, I’m kind of torn over the whole spelling bee concept. I’ve never been one of these parents who think that “everybody’s a winner,” which is a concept I think can be detrimental once a child grows up and discovers that life is all about being stomped on by the actual winners, who got that way because they inherited money, or are from China. On the other hand, spelling bees seem particularly cruel, especially on the parents, who spend the entire event sweating profusely and silently reliving their own childhood humiliations. (Er, not me. Other people.)

It turns out that for most parents, there is nothing good about a spelling bee. Besides being a nervous wreck, there’s all that time spent praying that someone else’s poor schmoe of a kid will be the first one to get eliminated, so you can put off the dashing of your own son or daughter’s childhood innocence for at least one more day. Eventually this leads to an unseemly feeling of glee when one of your child’s competitors gets stuck with encyclopedia or cupboard or delicatessen.

In fact, I’m not proud of it, but I think most parents would agree that it’s hard to get through a spelling bee without thinking of that famous quote by Gandhi: “The greatest happiness is to vanquish your enemies, to chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth, to see those dear to them bathed in tears.” Wait, that was actually Genghis Khan. But you get the idea.

As for the kids themselves, they run the gamut when it comes to reactions. You have the ones who have smiles on their faces the whole time, who are clearly delusional, and the ones who look like they’ve just gone through a question-and-answer session with Dick Cheney, who understand the gravity of their predicament. Then there are those who flub a word they were sure they knew, and their faces drop when they hear the bell, like poor Travis when he finds out Old Yeller has rabies.

On the plus side, pretty much all the participants who get through one of these things alive seem to feel pretty good about themselves afterwards, even if they get a word wrong eventually. True, both of my kids have been blessed with some mercifully easy words — my son got “kid” the other night, and had to ask the moderator if that’s what she actually said, in case she was trying to slip in some obscure homophone that sounds like “kid” but is actually spelled with an arcane series of unexpected h’s.

They’ve also gotten some tough ones, but my son said even though he had the jitters at the start, “It got easier every time I got up there.” By the end — he finished seventh — he was a model of poise, looking completely at home in front of a cafetorium full of people, and that alone was worth the effort no matter how far he got.

As for the parents … We’ll be home recovering if you want to stop by to deliver our trophies.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Spelling Bees To Start Allowing Misspelled Words

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Scripps Howard Spelling Bee, in response to complaints about pressure on young participants, has announced it will start allowing students to misspell words in the competition beginning next year.

"We've had many complaints from parents and psychologists who say being ejected from a spelling bee can be a traumatic experience for a child," said Bee Chairwoman Sally Fredericks, noting that the organization received a petition with more than 50,000 signatures from the American Parents United Against Competition (APUAC).

"It does horrible things to children's self-esteem when they spell a word wrong," noted APUAC spokesperson Mitzy Bennington. "If they're allowed to spell words incorrectly without getting ejected from the competition, they get the experience of participating without all those bad feelings that come along with not winning.

"It's important that we leave these children with the impression that they're smart and important and special, even if they're not," noted Bennington.

Under the new rules, participants will each be given a word to spell. The moderator will not indicate whether they spelled it correctly or incorrectly, saying instead, for example, "Great job, Johnny! You're the best!" Then the participant will return to his or her seat.

After five rounds of play using those guidelines, the event will be declared completed and each participant will be awarded a trophy exactly the same size and weight of all the other participants' trophies.

"This way every student goes home feeling like they participated in something special, even if they're not sure exactly what," said Bennington.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Up, up ... and away??

And this, my friends, is why science was invented: To bring the "Up" house to life.



Now, if only science could find a way to make us all fat and screen-obsessed, like in "Wall-E." Oh wait, we're already all set on that.

More details on the "Up" house at digitaltrends.com.

COLUMN: Charlie fired? This resume has a certain Sheen

A resume and cover letter we received from a recently unemployed job seeker had a strangely familiar ring to it. See the letter, and our response, for yourself:

Hello Mr. Chianca:

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m writing because I am recently unemployed and am interested in seeking a job at your fine organization. I trust you’re aware of some of my previous experience as a film actor, sitcom star and Vatican assassin warlock, not necessarily in that order.

Unfortunately I cannot provide references from my most recent employer, Chaim Levine, because I violently hate him and he’s a stupid, stupid little man and a punk. However, I can assure you that I’ve spent the last decade effortlessly and magically converting his tin cans into gold, and I’m confident I can do the same thing for your tin cans.

As far as what else I can add to your organization, I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground. I mean that in a literal sense, in much the same way that I mean it when I say I partake in strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I can also type 70 words per minute.

My other skills and experience include the following:

• Magic and poetry at my fingertips most of the time, and this includes naps;
• Brain fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm;
• Fire-breathing fists;
• Tiger blood;
• Converting tin cans into gold (mentioned previously);
• Winning, duh.
  

If I do come to work for your organization, there are a few requirements I’d request you provide in order to maximize the effectiveness of my performance. Chief among these is two (2) personal assistants (female, in their early 20s) who will share my office space, paid sufficiently so that they will leave when I’m done with them. I’m not big on small talk.

The assistants should be prepared to spend time locked in the rest room should I need privacy while forcibly redecorating the office. Also, I’ll need a briefcase in which to carry my personal effects and business paraphernalia (at least five kilos worth).

You may have heard of some indiscretions attributed to me in my previous positions. I admit, like everyone else, I have had some issues in my personal and professional relationships. However, unlike everyone else, I have Adonis DNA. Everyone else can lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly kids and look at their loser lives. Boom! Winning.

In conclusion, I’d like to reiterate that I have much to add to your organization (poetry, fists, blood, gold, etc.), and if you offer me a position, I can assure you that I will wrap both arms around it, and love it violently, and defend it violently through violent hatred. Again, literally.

I look forward to hearing from you. If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be in the Bahamas with a bikini model, an adult film star and my ex-wife.

Sincerely,
“Carlos Estevez”
(Real name available upon request)

Dear Carlos:

I regret to inform you that we do not have any openings at this time. However, if we have need in the future for someone with your particular skills, such as typing, strafing and/or redecorating, we will definitely be in touch. However, I must warn you that our company does require mandatory drug testing to see if you are on Charlie Sheen.

Sincerely,
Chaim Chianca

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

COLUMN: Glad that Bob Seger is still the same

Back in the early ’90s I met a guy whom you might refer to as an inveterate hipster. He wore black horn-rimmed glasses, had an excellent leather jacket and declared that Bob Seger represented everything — everything! — that was wrong with popular music.

As I recall, he didn’t elaborate — inveterate hipsters are big declarers but not especially prolific elaborators — but I can assume he was of the opinion that, by releasing a series of derivative piano- and saxophone-laden “rock” albums about rocking and being nostalgic about rocking, not necessarily in that order, Seger was single-handedly barring the way for other artists who might otherwise be prone to introducing something vaguely original into the musical zeitgeist. (Hipsters love saying “zeitgeist.”)

My initial response, as a Seger fan, was to be offended. Frankly, I found the guy’s music mostly irresistible; his live mash-up of Chuck Berry’s “Let It Rock” and “Little Queenie” was like a duck-walk on steroids, and forever established Seger in my mind as a dedicated bearer of the rock ’n’ roll torch — one of “Chuck’s children,” as Seger himself referred to Berry’s disciples in “Rock and Roll Never Forgets.”

It probably didn’t hurt that I picked up my affection for Seger from my father, who played Seger’s “Stranger In Town” LP early and often during the late ’70s. My dad had a proclivity for keeping up with popular music; Seger, The Eagles and Rod Stewart were all favorites, despite his advanced age — 35, give or take — and it separated him from most of my friends’ parents, whose stations always seemed tuned to The Music Of Your Life, whatever (and whosever life) that was.

(An aside: I remember with some pride the time my friend Mark heard the opening chords of Journey’s “Escape” album and bounded up our stairs to find my father studiously reading the lyrics on the record sleeve; Mark was both delighted and flummoxed to find an adult who had somehow managed to avoid fogey-hood — it was like coming across a four-leaf clover, or a unicorn.)

Despite all that history, though, I’ll admit that eventually, not long after the hipster encounter —maybe because of it? — I found myself losing faith in Seger’s rock bona fides. Looking back, I had to admit that as the ’80s wound down, each of Seger’s albums had started to sound vaguely — OK, exactly — like the album before, just a little less so. (Quick, tell me the difference between “The Fire Inside” and “Like a Rock.” See?) In 1995 he released “It’s A Mystery,” which went gold despite the fact that nobody remembers it, and then he went on an 11-year sabbatical, and I can’t say I missed him that much.

At least I didn’t think I did, until 2006, when he released “Face the Promise,” and I was surprised to find myself inexplicably thrilled. I thought I had long relegated Seger to the pile of artists whom I had moved on from some time after college, right next to Billy Joel, Phil Collins and squarely on top of Huey Lewis. But I got the new album anyway, and though his rasp was a little croakier, it was as appealing as ever — and lo and behold, at age 60, his once-premature nostalgia finally made perfect sense.

It was also enough to make me revisit his old catalog, and wouldn’t you know it, it held up. Sure, “The Horizontal Bop” is just silly (if not downright juvenile), and we’re best to forget “Shakedown,” his biggest pop hit and only one without the Silver Bullet Band, whom we can only assume he dismissed because he was embarrassed about singing what should have been a Glenn Frey song. But “Sunspot Baby” still has that same bluesy drive; the live “Katmandu” retains its appealing frenzy; and the hits — “Night Moves,” “Against the Wind,” “Hollywood Nights” — evoke, well, yes, nostalgia, but also affection for an era when radio-friendly music at least tried to rock and roll.

The reason I bring all this up, of course, is that Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band recently announced another national tour, and he’ll be bringing his creaky 65-year-old self to Boston’s TD Garden in April. Wherever that hipster is today, he might say that the fact Seger still sells out arenas, where aging fans can wear their too-tight concert T-shirts and shake their fists to his bland rock retreads, represents everything that’s wrong with popular music today.

Tickets go on sale Saturday. Maybe my dad would like to go with me.

Read my musings on rock music at blogs.wickedlocal.com/springsteen.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: CBS May Replace Charlie Sheen With Mel Gibson

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - CBS has announced that rather than cancel its hit comedy Two And A Half Men, producers have begun holding auditions to replace embattled star Charlie Sheen. But critics are questioning whether the actors they're considering, including troubled film star Mel Gibson, might actually make the situation worse.

CBS is looking to replace Sheen after he slammed show creator Chuck Lorre in several interviews last week. Although the show has survived Sheen's past benders, rants, drug arrests and alleged abuse of women including his wives, apparently calling the show's creator a "punk" was a step too far, leading Lorre and CBS to shut down production.

"I can live with a star who gets caught with a suitcase full of cocaine or smacks women or locks a porn star in a hotel toilet while he wrecks the room, but not one who hurts my feelings," said Lorre, tearing up.

Rather than put cast and crew out of work, however, Lorre and CBS have begun auditioning people to take Sheen's place. But a list of actors who've performed screen tests, leaked yesterday to TMZ.com, suggests that the producers may not have learned their lesson.

"I can't help but wonder if Mel Gibson is really going to be an improvement over Sheen," said Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales. "At least Sheen is only borderline anti-Semitic."

Gibson's screen test, posted in part by TMZ, would seem to justify Shales' concerns. At one point, Gibson, portraying Charlie and Alan's "Uncle Mel from Australia," is seen reading lines with Jon Cryer as Alan. A partial transcript appears below:

CRYER: Uncle Mel, I'm speechless.
GIBSON: Are you a Jew? The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.
CRYER: Uh ... The line is "silent admiration is all I ask."
GIBSON: I'll put you in a f--ing rose garden, you c--. Because I'm capable of it.
CRYER: Um ... Can he maybe read with Holland Taylor instead?

Other potential cast additions include Lindsay Lohan, who auditioned for the role of Charlie and Alan's slutty cousin Belinda; and shock jock Howard Stern as their new wacky neighbor, Howard Stern.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]