A resume and cover letter we received from a recently unemployed job seeker had a strangely familiar ring to it. See the letter, and our response, for yourself:
Hello Mr. Chianca:
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m writing because I am recently unemployed and am interested in seeking a job at your fine organization. I trust you’re aware of some of my previous experience as a film actor, sitcom star and Vatican assassin warlock, not necessarily in that order.
Unfortunately I cannot provide references from my most recent employer, Chaim Levine, because I violently hate him and he’s a stupid, stupid little man and a punk. However, I can assure you that I’ve spent the last decade effortlessly and magically converting his tin cans into gold, and I’m confident I can do the same thing for your tin cans.
As far as what else I can add to your organization, I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground. I mean that in a literal sense, in much the same way that I mean it when I say I partake in strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I can also type 70 words per minute.
My other skills and experience include the following:
- Magic and poetry at my fingertips most of the time, and this includes naps;
- Brain fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm;
- Fire-breathing fists;
- Tiger blood;
- Converting tin cans into gold (mentioned previously);
- Winning, duh.
If I do come to work for your organization, there are a few requirements I’d request you provide in order to maximize the effectiveness of my performance. Chief among these is two (2) personal assistants (female, in their early 20s) who will share my office space, paid sufficiently so that they will leave when I’m done with them. I’m not big on small talk.
The assistants should be prepared to spend time locked in the rest room should I need privacy while forcibly redecorating the office. Also, I’ll need a briefcase in which to carry my personal effects and business paraphernalia (at least five kilos worth).
You may have heard of some indiscretions attributed to me in my previous positions. I admit, like everyone else, I have had some issues in my personal and professional relationships. However, unlike everyone else, I have Adonis DNA. Everyone else can lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly kids and look at their loser lives. Boom! Winning.
In conclusion, I’d like to reiterate that I have much to add to your organization (poetry, fists, blood, gold, etc.), and if you offer me a position, I can assure you that I will wrap both arms around it, and love it violently, and defend it violently through violent hatred. Again, literally.
I look forward to hearing from you. If you need to get in touch with me, I’ll be in the Bahamas with a bikini model, an adult film star and my ex-wife.
(Real name available upon request)
I regret to inform you that we do not have any openings at this time. However, if we have need in the future for someone with your particular skills, such as typing, strafing and/or redecorating, we will definitely be in touch. However, I must warn you that our company does require mandatory drug testing to see if you are on Charlie Sheen.
Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to firstname.lastname@example.org, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”