Did the earth move for you?

It wasn't a shaking so much as a buzzing, like someone on the floor below me was using a very large power saw. But I definitely felt this afternoon's 5.9-magnitude earthquake here in Danvers, Mass., even though its epicenter was way down in Virginia. Which may make us North Shore of Boston residents the furthest spot north to feel its effects. I'll make that claim unless I hear otherwise -- you can't really trust anything those people say up in New Hampshire anyway.

Combine that with the earthquake that hit Colorado last night, and there's only one logical conclusion we can make: The end of the world is nigh.



OK, maybe that's a little extreme. But just in case, I'll be stocking up on water and canned goods before Irene hits. Better get to the supermarket early to beat the looters.

It's the end of the world as we know it ... And you heard it here first!

You may recall back in November when, in a column about the impending end of the world, I wondered why I seemed to be the only news outlet covering it. Specifically:

I’m referring of course to a press release I received recently from the “Hourglass Watchman” of the eBible Fellowship with the heading “A Message to the Media of the World,” which apparently includes me. Not one to bury the lead, the Watchman gets right to the point:

“May 21, 2011 — Judgment Day. God will begin to destroy the World and this Universe with a worldwide earthquake. October 21, 2011 — The End of the World. The World and the entire Cosmos will be totally destroyed by fire.”

Considering most of the press releases I get include either the phrases “craft fair” or “ham and bean supper,” this would obviously be considered Big News. But oddly enough, I’ve yet to see reportage on this by any of the rest of the Media of the World, which must still be busy tracking the Black Friday tramplings.

Well, as it turns out I was just ahead of the media curve, which seems to have caught up to me now, less than a week before the beginning of the end, when there's very little people can do about it, short of possibly making post-Rapture arrangements for their pets.

Although it's probably worth noting that as of this morning there were only 254 Rapture-related news stories on Google News, as compared to 4,053 stories about Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child.

If that's not a sign that the end is nigh, I don't know what is.

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Alan Thicke Warns Dead Birds Signify World's End

NEW YORK (CAP) - Growing Pains star Alan Thicke has declared recent incidents involving mysteriously dying birds and fish to be a sign of the end of the world, prompting mass panic and rioting throughout the globe.

The 63-year-old actor appeared on Anderson Cooper's CNN show to rebut assertions by his Growing Pains co-star Kirk Cameron that dead-animal incidents in Arkansas, Louisiana and Sweden did not indicate that doomsday was at hand. Cooper had asked Cameron to discuss the topic on his show because the former teen idol had starred in the Left Behind series about life after The Rapture, and because every scientist and theologian in the world was apparently unavailable.

Cameron had told Cooper that "it's really kind of silly to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of end times theory," prompting Cooper to cock his eyebrow insouciantly. But appearing on Cooper's show last night, Thicke disagreed.

"The end is near!" asserted Thicke in that stuttery yet appealing Canadian cadence that audiences loved so dearly back when he was giving homespun advice to fictional children Mike, Ben, Carol and Crissie from 1985-1992.

"I don't care what Kirk says about it not meaning anything - he's just wrong," Thicke added. "Just like he was wrong when he rode a dirt bike that time he went camping with Boner, even though Maggie and I told him not to."

When Cooper - smirking slightly, not unlike whenever he had to preview his show's topic on Larry King Live - reminded Thicke that Growing Pains was a fictional show, Thicke responded, "Anderson, did I ever tell you I wrote the theme songs to both Diff'rent Strokes and The Facts Of Life?"

Thicke also pointed to last year's moving up of the famed atomic scientists' Doomsday Clock, although authorities claimed that was actually for Daylight Savings Time.

Speaking via satellite from Camp David, in a room that looked remarkably like the interior of a high-tech survival "ark" headed for the world's highest mountain range, President Barack Obama appealed for calm, siding with Kirk Cameron in the controversy.

"Just as I told you that NASA scientists had, uh, in no way determined that recent earthquakes indicated the imminent end of life on our planet, I also am not privy to any, you know, top-secret government information indicating that the dead birds and fish, uh, are a sign of a pending apocalypse," said Obama.

"Now if you excuse me, I have a very important meeting with the other heads of state who have been secreted to the survival ark under cover of darkness," Obama continued. "Uh, by which I mean, decided on a whim to visit me here at Camp David."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

COLUMN: Waiting for the end of the world ...

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The weather’s turned chillier, shoppers rush hurriedly from store to store, and a particular phrase is on everyone’s lips: “THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!” This statement may or may not be followed by an anguished wail and/or rending of garments.

I’m referring of course to a press release I received recently from the “Hourglass Watchman” of the eBible Fellowship with the heading “A Message to the Media of the World,” which apparently includes me. Not one to bury the lead, the Watchman gets right to the point:

“May 21, 2011 — Judgment Day. God will begin to destroy the World and this Universe with a worldwide earthquake. October 21, 2011 — The End of the World. The World and the entire Cosmos will be totally destroyed by fire.”

Considering most of the press releases I get include either the phrases “craft fair” or “ham and bean supper,” this would obviously be considered Big News. But oddly enough, I’ve yet to see reportage on this by any of the rest of the Media of the World, which must still be busy tracking the Black Friday tramplings. So it seems it’s up to me to bring up some of the obvious questions raised by this announcement, such as:

1) What happened to 2012? Can’t those stupid Mayans get anything right?

2) Five whole months to destroy the earth? I think God needs a new contractor.

In order to better help us better understand our impending annihilation, I thought I’d walk you through the highlights of the 18-page (!) e-mail, which I decided to print out on the grounds that preserving trees is now no longer necessary, and also I only need my ink cartridges to last another 11 months. (Or maybe even six months, assuming that printing things becomes less of a priority after the giant, world-destroying earthquake.)

First, the release insists that it is “not unusual that God’s people have been given insight into the timing of the end of the world.” Apparently it’s also happened those other times when the world was supposed to end but didn’t, leaving all the people holding “The End is Near!” placards to just mill around sheepishly, like Springsteen fans still waving a “Play Thunder Road!” sign after the lights go up.

As for the time between Judgment Day and the actual End of the World, apparently that’s to provide those of us who haven’t been called up into heaven with “the most horrific period of five months of torment, misery, sorrow and unspeakable hell on earth,” or, as we call it here in New England, “winter.” (Just a little End of the World humor there.) “How awful!” the Watchman then declares, just to drive the point home in case we haven’t been paying attention.

It’s worth noting, though, that although we will be annihilated in fire and cease to exist after the five months, the e-mail asserts, “there will not be a conscious suffering in a place called hell.” That sound you just heard was Charlie Sheen exhaling and ordering another round of drinks.

Personally, I’m hoping that God isn’t really planning to save just 200 million chosen people and leave the rest of us to “die like a beast” rather than rise up into heaven. Because for one thing, I’m counting on beasts being allowed in heaven, because when I die I’m going to have a lot of catching up to do with my dogs. And second, judging by the typical criteria, I’m guessing the 200 million saved people will include the likes of Sarah Palin, George W. Bush and Glenn Beck, who I’m guessing will not want to lick me or catch my Frisbee.

Still, even though I’m skeptical, the Hourglass Watchman asks that I “please consider publishing an article … regarding this awesome urgent and important matter,” so that’s what I’m doing. Just like I do when people send me their ham-and-bean-supper notices.

Which reminds me: If you’re planning one, you may want to schedule it before next October, just in case.

This column appeared originally in North Shore Sunday. Follow Peter Chianca on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”