The study found that unlike normal bad cholesterol, known as LDL, which gradually attaches itself to arterial walls and clogs the arteries, superbad cholesterol immediately fills up entire arteries "like you stuck a caulking gun down there," wrote the study's coordinator, Dr. Bentley Worthington, in a preface to the findings.According to the report, America's changing dietary habits likely led to the development of this ultra-bad cholesterol.
"Much like stronger bacteria have formed in response to anti-bacterial sprays and lotions, cholesterol too has adapted as we consume more and more saturated and trans fats," wrote Worthington. "You can only eat so many KFC Double Down sandwiches before your body finds a way to fight back.
"And I'm not just talking about all the pooping," he added, in what was apparently a rough draft of the study.
The study was leaked to CAP News by a researcher who asked not to be identified, claiming that the findings were being suppressed by "powerful forces" determined not to see them come to light before the Memorial Day weekend.
"They had a lot of hamburgers and hot dogs they needed to push, and were afraid these findings would stymie sales," claimed the researcher, who quoted a Kraft company executive as telling the hospital's board, "It's all psychological. You yell cardiomyopathy, everybody says, 'Huh? What?' You yell superbad cholesterol, we've got a panic on our hands on Memorial Day weekend!"
Kraft spokesman Michael Hirschberg denies the allegations, saying that Kraft always has the good health of its customers in mind. He pointed to the company's new "Eat Sensibly" advertisements, featuring their spokesman, competitive hot dog eater Joey Chestnut.
A study of the findings reveals why they might raise concern among some food manufacturers. In addition to clogging the arteries at an alarming rate - "one Cinnabon can be enough to do it," it found - pieces of the superbad cholesterol can flake off the artery wall and travel directly to the heart, where they cause the aorta to expand and eventually explode in a tremendous chest-extruding fireball.
The study mentions one test case, Karl Stubens of Estill Springs, Tenn., who weighed more than 350 pounds and admitted to eating at Arby's more than four times a week. Stubens told researchers his high cholesterol could be blamed on "family history." Then his chest blew up.
"It was like that scene in Alien, except instead of a little creature popping out, it was an Angus Three Cheese & Bacon hoagie," the study read.