We hear his cell mate has already started referring to him as 'fat, naked guy'

Amazingly, "Survivor" Richard Hatch was convicted today, somehow failing to pull off his deviously clever scheme of winning a million dollars in front of everybody in the entire world and then not paying taxes on it. What did he think the IRS was watching? UPN?

Anyway, in case you haven't seen it, here's the transcript of the prosecutor's closing argument:

"I plead with the jury tonight, to think a little bit about the island that we have been on. This island is pretty much full of only two things: snakes and rats. And in the end of Mother Nature, we have Richard the Snake, who knowingly went after prey; and Kelly, who turned into the Rat, that ran around like the rats do on this island, trying to run from the snake. And I feel we owe it to the island's spirit that we have learned, have come to know, to let it be in the end the way Mother Nature intended it to be: for the Snake to eat the Rat."

Oh wait, that's what Sue said on "Survivor." Well, I guess we can only hope that Kelly goes to jail next.