"It was just supposed to be a photo op," said a clearly shaken Bob Franklin, campaign supervisor for Rick Santorum, who remained in intensive care at Lenox Hill Hospital in Manhattan, where the incident took place. "He wasn't within 10 feet of that baby before those guys were all over him like a sinful homosexual man on his illegitimate same-sex partner.""Actually, those were the senator's words ... He said it just before he passed out from loss of blood," noted Franklin.
The superstar couple has come under fire for using their personal security team to restrict the movement of visitors and even other patients at the hospital during their stay there. The guards reportedly harassed hospital personnel, visiting fathers and at least two new mothers, plus Kanye West, who was there to declare Blue Ivy "one of the best babies of all time."
"We didn't recognize him at first," explained Richard "Runk" Runkwoksi, the head of the security detail, who noted on West's latest album cover, he was pixilated.
West was eventually admitted entrance, but both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, like Santorum, sustained injuries when approaching the baby with outstretched lips, according to sources close to the hospital.
Gingrich hadn't even gotten off the elevator when the security force, made up of former Navy SEALs and several Hells Angels, began beating him with broom handles.
"I tried to ask them, Do you know who I am?, but they kept calling me Pillsbury Dough Boy and poking me in the tummy with their broom handles," Gingrich told authorities afterwards.
According to a police report, Gingrich also claimed the guards took a diamond wristwatch he had bought at Tiffany's on the way to the hospital. "That watch was for my girlfriend!" Gingrich told police, then adding that by "girlfriend" he meant "wife."