So that's why I'm obese!

If you're anything like me, you're having trouble containing your excitement over the fact that McDonald's is going to include nutritional information on its food packaging. Or it may be your lunch you're having trouble containing. One of those two things.

Well, I'm happy to report that you don't have to wait until the new policy takes effect, since this blog has acquired a copy of the new labels. For instance, following is what will be printed on the packaging for the Big Mac:

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1 Big Mac
Calories: One meeeeellion
Calories from fat: You mean there's another kind of calories?
Total Fat: Yes
Saturated Fat: Hell, Yes
Trans Fat: If you're referring to the kind of fat that can cause a heart attack almost immediately upon consumption ... Yeah, we got that
Cholesterol: You've seen a 2 liter bottle of Coke? About that much
Sodium: Enough to keep a herd of cows licking for a month
Total Carbohydrates: If you're on the South Beach, you're in the wrong place
Protein: Protein? Get yourself some carp, for crying out loud
Ingredients: Two all-beef patties; special sauce; lettuce; cheese; pickles; onions; sesame seed bun. OK, not really. It's actually mostly lard and chemicals, and possibly, although we can't be positive about this, rat feces. Don't quote us.