As you’ve probably heard by now, because I’m sure it led all the newscasts, Sylvester Stallone is taking time out of his busy schedule to make "Rocky VI." Although he’s actually calling it "Rocky Balboa," presumably because he assumes most people’s Roman numeral skills only go up to V, and even then it’s iffy – a lot of people still think the last movie was named "Rocky Vee."
Anyway, this blog has just acquired exclusive rights to the trailer for the new film, which we transcribe here:
Announcer: His whole life was a million to one shot ... Like that time he went the distance with the world champion. And the time he beat the world champion after running after a chicken. And the time he beat Mr. T after Mickey died and he ran on the beach with Apollo in a very manly, heterosexual way. And the time he beat that big blonde Russian and then gave the speech ("If I can change, you can change") that sent movie audiences across America scurrying under their seats in embarrassment. And that time he beat whoever he beat in "Rocky V," which was viewed only by the guy who played Paulie.
But now he faces his biggest challenge ever ... beating the guy who keeps taking his socks in the assisted living facility.
Rocky: Who took my socks?
Clubber Lang: I pity the fool who thinks I took his socks!
Mickey: This guy ain't just another fighter! This guy is a wrecking machine! And he's hungry! He'll knock you to tomorrow, Rock!
Rocky: Mickey, I thought you was dead!
Mickey: I am, you idiot – you’re talking to your potted plant again.
Announcer: "Rocky Balboa" -- It's his biggest challenge ever. Well, except for that enlarged prostate. And the whole thing with the fiber, but the Metamucil pretty much took care of that. But it's a big challenge. Um ... Is this thing on?