No emergency! Nothing to see here! Unless there is

Please do not panic when the Emergency Alert System kicks in at 2 p.m. this afternoon. It's just a test to show how the government has everything completely under control. Well, most things. From the release:

On Nov. 9 the public will hear a message indicating, “This is a test.” The audio message will be the same for all EAS participants, however, due to the limitations in the EAS, the video text message scroll may not be the same or indicate that, “this is a test.”

So it's true that if you have the volume down, or are hearing impaired, there may be no evidence that it's a test, and you will assume that the missiles are on their way. But wait, there's more:

In addition, the background image that appears on video screens during an alert may indicate that “This is a test,” but in some instances there might not be an image at all. The test is expected to last three minutes.

So just to reiterate: There may be a scroll, or not, and if it does it may say that it's a test, or not, and the image may also say that it's a test, or not, or maybe there won't be an image. Also, we can presume that in some cases it will last three minutes, and in others it will go on for all eternity.

But don't worry, the government has a plan:

FEMA and the FCC are reaching out to organizations representing people with hearing disabilities to better prepare that community for this national test.

So if you know any deaf people, please tell them to remain in bed. Also, let's hope this doesn't somehow end in a conversation like this:

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Mass. Electric Finishes Restoring Power From 2008 Ice Storm

NORTHBOROUGH, Mass. (CAP) - Representatives from National Grid/Massachusetts Electric announced this week that workers have finally finished restoring power to those left in the dark by the vicious ice storm of December, 2008.

"It took crews working 'round the clock, except for nights and weekends, for almost three years, but we finally got it done," said Marcy Reed, president of National Grid Massachusetts. "We couldn't be prouder of the men we had dedicated to this difficult job - both of them."

Now the company will be able to devote more workers to the power outages that followed the Christmas weekend nor'easter of 2010, the central Massachusetts tornadoes of this past June and the freak October snowstorm earlier this month.

"Although it will probably be closer to 2014 by the time we get to that last one," said Reed.

Still, "we're taking these outages very, very seriously," Reed added, noting that they were the subject of a seminar at a week-long junket National Grid executives attended recently at the Tierra Del Sol Resort and Country Club in Aruba.

"We devised some very useful strategies there," said Reed, declining to name any of them specifically.

Reed said power outages resulting from the 2010 nor'easter should be resolved any month now, and asked residents without power to be patient. "We're working as fast as we possibly can, kind of," she noted.

Bob and Sheila Fernmeyer of Athol, Mass., who had been without power since Dec. 11, 2008, said they were "thrilled" to finally get the lights turned on this week.

"I can't say it's been easy," said Bob Fernmeyer, who noted that the couple took to burning household objects around February of 2009, and that there's very little left in the way of usable furniture and room fixtures. Also, they'd learned to subsist almost exclusively on foods that could be stored at room temperature, like potatoes and Spam.

"Plus we have no idea what's on TV anymore," added Sheila Fernmeyer. "Is My Own Worst Enemy still on? That Christian Slater is dreamy."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

Look, up in the sky! It's a [BOOM!]

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, there's a crisp fall feel to the air, and everything seems at peace in the world. And then you hear that a six-ton space satellite will be hurtling to earth any day now. Figures.

Before we all panic (as we are wont to do), there are a few things to keep in mind: Yes, scientists say that the potential strike zone "covers most of Earth." But "most" is not "all." So there's that.

As for your own chances of being waylaid by a hunk of space debris, here's what the experts have to say:

The satellite will break into pieces, and NASA put the chances that somebody somewhere on Earth will get hurt at 1 in 3,200. But any one person's odds of being struck have been estimated at 1 in 21 trillion.

Which are pretty good odds, unless you happen to be that one guy. And given that some of those pieces could be a good 300 pounds, according to estimates, it may be worth heading underground, just in case, lest you risk going out on a stroll and being turned into a pancake by the space metal equivalent of these guys.

Meanwhile, a small part of me hopes the thing lands here on the North Shore of Mass., just for bragging rights. Just as long as it doesn't hit anything historic.