AT LARGE Fake News Monday: Ellen Accused Of Turning One Million Moms Gay

TUPELO (CAP) - The parents watchdog group One Million Moms said that new JC Penney spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres is responsible for turning large numbers of its members into lesbians against their will.

"It's bad enough that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business," said One Million Moms in a statement released yesterday. "But now her direct influence is causing otherwise traditional and conservative mothers to partake in immoral homosexual acts. It's reprehensible."

Asked to elaborate by CAP News, the group's president Karen Grabower explained that she walked into the kitchen while cleaning up after a One Million Moms meeting at the Whitehaven Community Center in Horn Lake, Miss., and found two members engaged in what she would only describe as "highly inappropriate lip-to-lip contact."

Apparently when Grabower confronted the women, there was a long silence, and then one of them blurted out, "It was Ellen!"

"Yes, Ellen made us do it!" said the other woman. "And then they both dropped to their knees and started praying," recalled Grabower. "It makes sense, because they were both big JC Penney shoppers, as you could tell by their St. John's Bay argyle sweaters."

According to Grabower, the only possible explanation for the behavior is that Ellen had "infected what was once a wholesome, traditional department store and its shoppers with her immoral ways." Grabower said she found out some of the women engaged in the activities even met for the first time in JC Penney dressing rooms.

Interestingly, the controversy has actually caused a rift among several prominent mothers groups. Mothers Against Everything (MAE) - which, ironically, has close to a million members, in contrast to One Million Moms' membership of approximately 200 women - came out to support Ellen.

"She's so funny and perky and she's such a good dancer, and she has such nice taste in slacks," said MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski. "I just think the One Million Moms should make some better choices about their protests. There are so many things that are much more harmful to children, such as letting them wrestle lions to the death."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]