So with that in mind, please tick down this handy checklist to make sure you're prepared for the coming onslaught of weather unlike any New England has ever seen, except for all those other times:
1) Do you have enough milk and bread? If you don't, it's too late, all the stores are sold out -- all that's left in the supermarket is a few bruised kiwis strewn around the prone forms of trampled stockboys. Time to resign yourself to the fact that you are going to starve to death, unless you're lucky and happen to freeze first.
2) Do you remember how to drive? If you do, there is something wrong with you: It is not a storm in New England unless you find yourself bereft of anything other than the most rudimentary conception of what a car even is, much less how to drive it. But don't worry, the minute you get behind the wheel your mind will become a complete blank, and you can immediately commence upon maneuvering other drivers into snowbanks.
3) Is your snowblower in good, working order? It is? Well, why don't you just move to Wisconsin, winter boy. We don't need your kind around here.
4) Do you live by the shore? If so, proceed immediately to the nearest seawall with your camera. Otherwise it will be very difficult for you to be washed out to sea by a wave the size of a Range Rover. (That's a type of vehicle -- see No. 2.)
5.) Remember that time a few weeks back, when you said to yourself that you really should get your wiper blades replaced before the next snowstorm? Um ... no, me neither.
6.) Before you get washed out to sea, stuck in a snowbank or collapse from milk deprivation, please send your photos and videos to me at email@example.com to post here and at at WickedLocal.com. Because if there's anything that's Wicked Local, it's a mid-day mid-week snowstorm -- at least around these parts.