Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Not that she needed to be a
lesbian to have the geeks fantasize
about her, but it's a nice touch

Yes, you heard correctly. Batwoman is back ... as a lesbian! Times certainly are changing -- I remember when Robin was the only gay "Batman" character. He's not? You've got to be kidding.

Anyway, according to DC Comics, "The 5-foot-10 superhero comes with flowing red hair, knee-high red boots with spiked heels, and a form-fitting black outfit." This is exactly what most lesbians look like. Just ask Sonny & Cher's daughter.

This development has gotten me thinking about other superheroes whose capes may swing the other way, if you get my drift. There's Plastic Man, of course, and Wonder Woman (Paradise Island, indeed). And I always thought Power Man and Iron Fist had a little sum-sum going on there.

Regardless, the lesbian Batwoman is bound to lead the way in terms of diversity in comic books, as long as the characters all still have tiny waists and breasts the size of zeppelins.

Also, Pete Seeger could use the royalties

We interrupt this blog for a public service announcement: There are inexplicably tickets left for Bruce Springsteen & the Seeger Sessions Band at most of their U.S. stops. What's the matter with you people? Do you have something against trombones?

Listen to Bruce's updated version of "How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live?" and check out live performances from every stop on the tour on AOL Music starting Thursday, and then do yourself a favor and go. I thank you, Bruce thanks you, and his funny-looking banjo player thanks you.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

This week's column:
Garth for Garth's sake?

Let's face it: Entertainment Weekly can be fairly disturbing. You never know when you're going to take it out of your mailbox and see Tom Cruise's huge head staring at you with teeth bared, like he's going to jump out of the magazine cover and eat you with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

And last week I saw something almost equally as disturbing in its pages: the news that Garth Brooks is close to breaking Elvis Presley's record as the recording artist with the most albums sold. The worst part is, we all know how Garth Brooks did this. That's right, steroids.

No wait, sorry, I'm thinking of Barry Bonds, who as of this writing had just tied Babe Ruth's home run total through hard work, determination and having someone inject performance-enhancing drugs into his buttocks. (For those of you who don't follow baseball, this is sort of like winning the Nobel Prize by having your brain widened.) In Bonds' defense, though, it's worth noting that in Babe Ruth's day they didn't have steroids; if they did, Ruth might have been smoking them in big cigars rolled by hookers.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

We know about turning the other
cheek and everything, but come on

Well, this is a relief. Madonna has announced that Jesus wouldn't mind about the part of her concert where she she mounts a 20-foot-high mirrored crucifix. Also, to stave off future controversies, Madonna has released the following list of other things Jesus wouldn't care about:
  • The bullet bra.
  • Dating Warren Beatty.
  • That whole thing with the Evian bottle.
  • Kissing Britney. And Christina. And Sandra Bernhard.
  • That "Sex" book where she poses naked in traffic.
  • Prompting thousands of uncoordinated white people to "Vogue."
  • Her entire freakin' career.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

"C" is for "cap in yo' ass"

Finally, someone is cracking down on the scourge that is gang-related "Sesame Street" T-shirts. You know how it happens; first they start wearing shirts with Ernie and Bert carrying 9mm handguns, and the next thing you know they're jumping Barney the Dinosaur for crack money.

Of course, you can't blame the Muppets -- they've just fallen in with a bad crowd.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

This week's column:
Having a ball at commencement

The next few weekends will mark college commencements all around the greater Boston area. This means that shortly thereafter, thousands of graduates will be on their parents' couches watching daytime television and wondering how it's come to this.

At my alma matter, Tufts University, this year's commencement speaker was comedian Bill Cosby. This is a step up on the entertainment meter from the guy they had when I graduated in 1990, child psychologist Robert Coles -- who is very well known in child psychology circles, but who I'm fairly certain had nothing to do with "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids."

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Apparently Tommy has his own
'Appetite for Destruction,' along
with a penchant for flowing paisleys

Poor Axl Rose. Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the Guns 'N Roses frontman -- his band deserts him, he can't seem to deliver the "new album" he's been working on since the Clinton administration, and he, well ... just look at him! -- he goes and gets himself smacked around by Tommy Hilfiger, the clothing designer. Clothing designer! That's like getting beaten up by your florist.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Also, that 18 1/2 minutes of missing
Nixon tape actually contained an alternate
take of Arlo Guthrie's 'Alice's Restaurant'

I'd just like to put in my vote against the FBI finding Jimmy Hoffa. It was bad enough when we found out who Deep Throat was (answer: not Hal Holbrook), but do we really need another elusive mystery quashed? All I know is, if Carly Simon holds a press conference about who "You're So Vain" is about, I'm moving to Canada.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Guaranteed to be less
boring than Al Gore's book

Suggested titles for Bill Clinton's new book:

  • "Getting Away with Murder: Even I Don't Know How I Do It."
  • "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman, and Other Fables."
  • "Impeachy Keen: How Being Impeached Can Help You Pick Up Chicks."
  • "Race With The Devil: My Life With Hilary."
  • "Let's Face It, You Miss Me: 101 Reasons You'd Still Prefer Me To The Guy You've Got Now."

UPDATE: My friends at offer their own take on Bill.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Fortunately, this blog floats

Well, I'm on vacation this week, and it's a good thing I am, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to spend the last few days in my basement wearing knee-high rubber boots, using a giant broom to push water in the direction of my sump pump. It's very much like one of those MTV "Spring Break" specials, only instead of almost naked girls doing "Crunk" dancing, there's swiftly moldifying cardboard and weird floaty things that look like they may have swum up a drain with the express purpose of trying to kill me.

But I'm not complaining: So far nothing especially important has floated away, and also, I've yet to be spotted in a montage on New England Cable News being rowed to safety in a rubber life raft with my dog. So there's that. And meanwhile, word has it that Gov. Mitt Romney has called in the big guns.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

This week's column:
So what's the deal with Mother's Day?

It’s time once again for "Mr. Holiday" to answer your holiday queries. This week: Mother’s Day.
Dear Mr. Holiday:
Is it true that Mother’s Day originated in ancient Greece?
Greek in Gainesville

Dear Greek:
Yes, it can actually be traced back to a Greek celebration in honor of Rhea, the "Mother of the Gods." If you recall your ancient Greek lore, Rhea was best known for getting on the gods’ case about spending all their time smiting many-eyed giants and rescuing heifer-nymphs rather than pursuing something more dependable, like accounting.
For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Plus, talk about shrinkage

Good news, in case you haven't heard: Although he didn't break the world record for breath-holding, "magician" David Blaine has emerged from his fish bowl after a week underwater and, much to the surprise of doctors and scientists, his skin didn't fall immediately off his body like a dessicated prune.

However, I can't help but wonder how the difficulties he encountered, including "sharp, shooting pain like a knife being stabbed" into every muscle -- bet that never happened to Doug Henning! -- will affect his future stunts. I'm talking specifically about his plans to:
  • Seal himself inside an operating heavy-duty dryer for a week and a half;
  • Have himself buried in cement under Giants Stadium for 31 years; and
  • Have himself put through a Cuisinart and painstakingly reassembled by Chinese seamstresses.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

This week's column:
Something's off when the TV's not on

In case you somehow missed it, last week was "TV Turnoff Week." This is the week when families all across America turn off their TVs and sit around their kitchen tables staring at each other like frightened bullfrogs.

That's because as we all know, TV is the glue that holds families -- nay, societies -- together. For instance, without TV, nobody would have any idea who Barney Fife is. What kind of world would that be?

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Dick Clark and Ed McMahon
have reportedly been taken to
Guantanamo for questioning

I can't help but think this is a positive step in the war on terror: The U.S. has apparently acquired the blooper reel from Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's latest video, featuring shots of the al-Qaida bigwig wearing tennis shoes with his black standard-issue terrorist uniform and being unable to operate his machine gun. And this blog has also obtained several other scenes that could prove embarrassing, such as:
  • A scene where he continually mispronounces "beheading" before cracking up and saying "Cut, cut!"
  • A scene where he accidentally refers to Osama bin Laden as "Omarosa."
  • A shot of al-Zarqawi getting hit in the groin with a ball while playing a pick-up game of cricket with Fahd bin Faraj al-Joweir, which is then replayed repeatedly in slow-motion.
  • A hilarious bit where al-Zarqawi ad libs a dead-on Peter Lawford impression while Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise fall over each other laughing.
  • A part where he looks down the barrel of his machine gun and it squirts custard all over him. (This was more of a "practical joke.")

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Of course, it could be worse ... He
could be making more new movies

Oh, good! George Lucas is re-releasing the first Star Wars Trilogy once more, this time with the original, un-tinkered with movies tacked on to them. That's a relief, because I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to spend my money on the same movies again for the seventh time.

You'll recall how last year, less than a year after releasing the original (updated) Star Wars trilogy on DVD, he released it again, for the same price, with less special features, with different packaging. Yes, he wanted to see if he could get us to pay $49.95 for a cardboard box. Just who does he think would be that gullible?

OK, shut up, it was a nice looking box.