'I wouldn't be here today without a certain mermaid ...'

It seems the U.S. Army Ranger Hall of Fame inducted Tom Hanks as an honorary member Thursday, even though he's not an actual ranger, citing his role in "Saving Private Ryan." This was, of course, a huge, collosal mistake.

We need to stop encouraging this man. He's already walking around under the delusion that he's an actual soldier, astronaut and gay guy. The only thing that's kept him from thinking he's a creepy fake train conductor is that he's not computer generated.

But sure, keep inducting him into your halls of fame and tapping him to host your NASA documentaries, you enablers. If it was up to me the man would be strapped to a gurney on a thorazine drip.