Look ... I made a movie

This week's column:He's very much out-of-date

I remember from when I was a dating person, sometime before the turn of the century and after the Paleozoic Era, that the whole process was a complicated, messy affair. First you had to actually meet someone somewhere, like your office, the Laundromat or through a friend who pitied you. Then you spent months getting to know the person while doing your best to make sure they didn’t get to know you, at least not the real you, the you with five-day-old stubble and pile of old socks under your bed. It was exhausting.

Fortunately I’m married now, so the only person I “date” is my wife — and we have young children, so our dates consist of anything we happen to be doing without them, like looking for furniture or comparing paint swatches. At least we know all the dates will eventually wind up in bed, although in between us will likely be two kids, a lumbar pillow, a black Lab and a golden retriever (whose noses can get pretty darn cold, incidentally).

But I think it would be difficult for my wife and me to start dating today, given the archaic way we got together — spending months as co-workers while pretending not to be attracted to each other, and then starting to date without telling anybody. We didn’t fill out any forms or record any videos, and we certainly didn’t use computers, which back then were primarily for playing solitaire.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

This week's column:How throbbingly passionate of you

For those of you looking for the perfect book to give that special someone this Valentine’s Day, I’m wondering if you’ve considered what may be an entirely new genre in literature: the personalized romance novel. That’s right, it’s a romantic adventure, but instead of starring attractive people, you and your spouse are in it. I think this may have been what killed Sydney Sheldon.

Nevertheless, it’s true. The Web site yournovel.com apparently offers 21 different “customized capers” with you and your significant other wedged into the text. You can even upload your picture for the cover, although you’ll have to stick your head on Fabio’s body yourself. (Oh, like you haven’t already done that. At least in your head.)

They can also incorporate things like eye and hair color and “affectionate nicknames” — for instance, in the sample they use “Passion Flower,” which is a mainstay on the list of popular marital nicknames, right between “lazy slob” and “unintelligible under-breath mutterings.”

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Whatever happened to Karaoke?

For those of you who can’t help but wonder if there’s any common sense or decency left in the world, look no further than the Tabu Ultra Lounge in Saugus, Mass. All it took was an undercover hidden-camera investigation by “Inside Edition” to get them to cancel all future girl-on-girl kissing contests at the club’s “teen nights.”

And we’re sure if someone had just pointed out that encouraging scantily clad underage girls to make out in front of cheering crowds while promoters poured water on them was wrong, they would have stopped the practice sooner. Work with them, people!

The “Inside Edition” report, which aired last week, spotlighted Tabu in addition to clubs in New York and New Jersey. The report claimed that in every club they visited, undercover reporters found girls walking around “in little more than underwear.” The hidden cameras also captured kids groping and fondling each other in open view at several locations. But as Tabu owner Frank Amato points out, no alcohol is served at these events, and “We’re a safe place for teens to come.” That’s right — if it wasn’t for Tabu, these teens would be groping and fondling each other in the streets.

Regardless, the practice will probably come to an end at Tabu in the wake of the report, meaning the town probably won’t have to suspend its license like it did in the wake of 2005’s triple stabbing there. What was it they were saying about it being a safe place?

She also may be a pod

Before we pass judgment on Lisa Marie Nowak, has it occurred to anyone that it's very possible she was bombarded by cosmic rays on her last space mission? Everyone knows they're very unpredictable -- she could have just as easily turned invisible or sprouted orange rocks as turn into a diaper-wearing, pepper spray-wielding psychopath. It happens.

We're just lucky it wasn't gamma rays.

This week's column:Something to fall back on

I recently discovered the only thing more humiliating than throwing your back out while candlepin bowling; namely, throwing your back out while taking off your candlepin bowling shoes. I managed to do this despite the fact that billions of people manage to remove shoes every day without serious injury, many of them more than once.

The day was going so well, too — I had even bowled a personal best, coming close to breaking 100 thanks to resourceful use of the bumpers. Then I leaned over to take off the shoes and I felt it — the muscles in my lower back giving way like failing cantilevers on an uninspected bridge.

I tried to put a good face on it for my kids and our companions until I managed to hobble back out to the car, but it wasn’t easy, given that my upper body was suddenly at a 90 degree angle from my legs — I looked like I’d just stopped in to bowl a quick string on the way to my bell tower.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

R.I.P. Art Buchwald

There's one less funny person in the world today ... All I know is, when I go, I want to do one of these.

This week's column:Dying is easy, commenting is hard

First, a few words about the late President Gerald Ford. I always liked him, and even voted for him in my elementary school’s mock presidential election in 1976. (I figured I should, since my mother drove one of his cars.) Here was an ordinary guy, someone who showed that in America, anyone really can accidentally become president.

But something that surprised some pundits was that he had apparently made some critical remarks about President Bush to journalist Bob Woodward, on the condition that they not be made public until after his death. And Woodward was true to his word, waiting almost a full eight minutes before going on Larry King.

I can’t help but wonder, though, if garnering juicy comments to be kept secret until the source is buried is a new journalistic trend (which would give an entirely new meaning to the term “deep background”). And more importantly, what other tidbits does Bob Woodward have stored away in his files?

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

And we suppose he also expects us to believe everything we hear about this so-called 'eye-pod'

Just as I suspected ... Steve Jobs is full of it!

And for crying out loud, would it kill him to put on a tie?

But what are her feelings on troop proliferation?

Madonna has spoken! For those of you who forgot to take notes, here is a summary:

1. Not wearing underwear -- bad.
2. Proliferation of African orphans -- bad.
3. Adopting African orphans -- good.
4. Rosie O'Donnell -- good.
5. Standing naked in traffic -- still good.

That about sums it up.

This week's column:Well, that was predictable

It’s time once again for me to look back on my predictions from 12 months ago, in order to see whether my keen journalistic insight served me well in prognosticating the major events for the coming year, or if I was, as usual, talking out of an opening not typically equipped for human speech. So let’s see what I had to say about 2006:

• “Buoyed by their own high moral standards and public support for the president, Republicans will easily stave off Democratic challengers come November. Let’s face it, is there anything conservatives can’t do?”

A little off on this one … But how was I supposed to know the entire Republican Congress would self-destruct? A year ago I would have thought “macaca” was a type of Volkswagen.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

Lucky '07: Your guide to what's in and what's out as another year kicks off

No, it's not that cold medicine you're taking — you really are in a fog. It's because you've lost track of what's in and what's out when it comes to society, politics, fashion, the arts and life in general. Don't be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us.

And the good news is, you have our annual roundup to fall back on as you enter 2007. But if any of the following falls flat at your next cocktail party, please don't blame us. Blaming is out.

For this year's What's In/What's Out, click here.

For a PDF version, click here.

This week's column:Top stories just tip of the iceberg

As you may have noticed, now's the time when newspapers like to announce their top stories of the year. This provides an important service, particularly to those readers with short-term memory loss.

Here, of course, we like to look past the obvious and point out the important stories that should have gotten more coverage from major media outlets. (Not that Ananova.com shouldn't be considered a major media outlet just because it has an entire section devoted to "Bad Taste Quirkies.") With that in mind, here are the top five At Large actual news stories from 2006:

5.) International Space Station considers allowing alcohol. And you know what that means: much better parties! ("Dude! Watch me float upside down again!")

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

This week's column:So what's the deal with Christmas?

Once again, Peter Chianca turns over his column space to Mr. Holiday, who will answer your holiday queries. This week: Christmas.

***

Dear Mr. Holiday:

Is it true that although, ostensibly, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus, historians and theologians think he was more likely born in June, and that Dec. 25 was picked because it had been the day of a pagan celebration called Saturnalia which commemorated the birth of the sun god?

Wondering in Wellesley

Dear Wondering:
I don't know if that's true, but I do know that, ostensibly, you're going to burn in eternal hellfire.

The fact is, it doesn't matter whether or not Jesus was really born that day, and I'll tell you why: Jesus had a movie that made $361 million last year. Show me one sun god movie that grossed even half that.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

In her defense, does it say specifically in the rule book that she can't flash and make out with other girls?

Pop culture trivia question of the day: The person who said, "Those pictures don't surprise me -- she was always showing off her boobs," was referring to:

1. Miss USA Tara Conner;
2. Miss Teen USA Katie Blair;
3. Miss Nevada Katie Rees; or
4. Golden Globe nominee for "The Queen" Helen Mirren.

Trick question ... The correct answer is "Donald Trump."

It's worth noting that the dogs weren't wearing any underwear either

Britney, Britney, Britney ... We were able to forgive you for wearing the snake at the MTV awards; driving with your child on your lap instead of in a carseat; dumping K-Fed by text message; leaving your kids behind to party with Paris Hilton; and failing to wear underwear. But ignoring your dogs ... Well, that's just low.

But a new online poll has named Britney "Worst Celebrity Dog Owner" for 2006, and by a wide margin, apparently. Hilary O'Hagan, editor of The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines, said she was the "overwhelming choice," noting, "She once had three Chihuahuas ... and never left home without at least one of them on her arm. As soon as she met K-Fed and had kids they (the dogs) disappeared." And as soon as she met Paris Hilton they (the kids) disappeared, so we're sensing a pattern here.

Then again, what about Natasha Lyonne? Oh wait, that was the neighbor's dog.

This week's column:There's no time like the presents

Don’t tell me — Christmas is almost here and you still haven’t found the right gifts for the important people in your life. Well, that’s just because you’re not on the mailing lists for the companies that make the truly original products, the kinds of items that, when you give them as gifts, say to the recipient: “It’s time you reported me to the local authorities.”

Luckily for you, though, these companies seem to have no trouble finding me. So without further ado, following is the second annual At Large Holiday Gift Guide.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

This week's column:Singing a new 'Christmas Carol'

Each holiday season brings certain things that are unavoidable. For instance, at some point in December you’re going to turn on the radio and hear “Dominic, the Italian Christmas Donkey.” And some of those times, if you’re distracted enough, you may listen to almost the whole thing before remembering to change the station. That’s three minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

Another thing you can count on is to be bombarded with umpteen stage productions of “A Christmas Carol,” not to mention the film versions with the likes of Mr. Magoo, Mickey Mouse and the Muppets. (Granted, Charles Dickens is believed to have commented to William Makepeace Thackeray, “My ‘Christmas Carol’ is pretty good on paper, but with a fake felt frog ... well, that would be something.”)

If we do have to have so many versions, though, wouldn’t it be nice if they did something different for a change? For instance, does it always have to be ghosts? Why not ever the Wolf Man? And that ending where Scrooge gets all nice — just once I’d like to see him wake up, down a snifter of schnapps and foreclose on Cratchit’s house.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.

And yet bullets remain readily available

Well, it's official: New York City has banned Trans-Fats from all of its restaurants. But before you panic, don't worry -- Taco Bell will still be able to serve e. coli.

Meanwhile, in its continuing effort to stem the tide of obesity, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg is considering the following follow-up bans:

• Anything glazed;
• All things Cinnabon;
• Any cheese that's a color not found in nature;
• Foods that, if you squeezed them hard enough, would relinquish enough grease to power a diesel vehicle;
• Anything that tastes, you know, good.

This week's column:It's an urban jungle out there

I want to start off by saying that, when I was in my 20s, traversing the mean streets of the city didn’t faze me at all. Not that the streets where I lived werethat mean, but they were certainly meaner than the ones I’m used to now in the suburbs, which are not mean at all -- they’re like the Pat Boone of streets. They’re also empty after 8 o’clock at night, which is not a trait that streets in the "mean" category usually like to cultivate.

But despite my diversion into suburbia (like most suburbanites, it feels like one day I just woke up here, like a sailor who gets something funny in his rum and wakes up in the hold of a ship bound for China), I always felt that if I was dropped back into a city I’d regain my urban instincts, like domesticated animals who are returned to the wild and immediately start eating voles.

Which is why I was so surprised recently when my wife and I took my 5-year-old son on the train to see a show in Boston. When we walked into the T station, I was immediately disoriented -- where was the nice lady who sells the tokens? What were these glowing, high-tech card kiosks? I vaguely remembered hearing something about a new fare card system -- I recall seeing Gov. Romney on TV in a train station, looking like he wished something would flood or blow up -- but I had filed it in the back of my brain with all the other things that don’t affect me, like global warming.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.