AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Palin says 'Alaska' Dog-Clubbing Footage Taken Out Of Context

WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - Former GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is saying leaked outtake footage from her TLC reality show Sarah Palin's Alaska has been taken "out of context," particularly the scene where she clubs and skins a miniature schnauzer, mistaking it for a baby seal.

"Ya know, out in the tundra things happen pretty quick," said Palin. "When that snow's comin' down, a schnauzer and a seal are basically indristinguishable."

Critics have pointed out that the "tundra" where Palin skinned the dog was actually the Bluff Park Farm in Knik-Fairview, and that before clubbing it she shot it from a helicopter using high-powered rifle with an infrared scope.

"Plus an old lady was walking it," pointed out People for the Ethical Treatment Of Animals spokesman Dan Sharon.

Sharon also said the excuse that Palin mistook the dog for a seal is "no excuse at all," since the practice of seal-clubbing has long been maligned as inhumane. The practice was targeted in a series of mid-'90s PETA magazine ads in which Pamela Anderson was shown clubbing a tiny Photoshopped version of Ted Nugent.

"Well, maybe beatin' a seal to death sounds unearthadox to those high falutin' big-city PETA elites, but out here in the wilderness, that's how we roll," said Palin while signing books at the Walmart Superstore on South Seward Meridian Parkway in Wasilla.

"Maybe the PETAs should spend more time gettin' all naked and beatin' up on Santa's fur cluffs," said Palin, possibly meaning "cuffs."

In other outtake footage, Palin is seen taking a rifle she purchased at a Wasilla gun shop and shooting out author Joe McGinniss' car headlights. Palin has criticized McGinnis for moving next door to her in Wasilla while researching a book on her.

"Well, maybe he shouldn'ta shined [his headlights] on my property," she's seen telling Wasilla Sheriff Karl Plastow as he confiscates the weapon. "The Russians mighta seen 'em and attacked us with their, waddayacallem, Moogs," possibly meaning MiGs.

There's also footage that appears to have been shot from another room where she's seen advising her daughter Bristol to whack her fellow Dancing With The Stars contestant Brandy in the knee with a crowbar.

[Read the rest at CAP News.]

AT LARGE Fake News Tuesday: Bristol Palin Dumps Levi For Old Spice Guy

WASILLA, ALASKA (CAP) - In what appears to be the result of a bizarre misunderstanding, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol - fresh off her reconciliation with her baby's father, Levi Johnston - has dumped Levi in favor of Isaiah Mustafa, a.k.a. the Old Spice Guy.

"I thought I still loved Levi, but after finding out that Old Spice Guy was interested in me ... like, it's all I've been able to think about," Bristol Palin told US Weekly. "Of all the big black men I've been with, he's definitely the hottest."

But apparently Bristol's impression that Mustafa had feelings for her resulted from her misinterpretation of a recent Old Spice Guy video, one of many spoof clips directed at both celebrities and fans.

"In response to Bristol Palin's Tweet about my pectoral muscles ... Well, hello Bristol Palin," says Mustafa in the video, wearing only his trademark white towel. "I too admire my pectoral muscles, but not as much as I admire your sexy aura, which shines brighter than the hottest sun. Please know that I consider you among my dearest and closest Internet friends, and I will love you, always." Then he beats a pinata with a petrified fresh-water fish.

"He put it right out on YouTube for everyone to see," Palin told US, clearly swooning. "I can't wait to start making little brown babies with him."

According to sources close to the Palin family, Sarah Palin was originally relieved to hear Bristol had dumped Levi for the Old Spice Guy, but she had apparently been thinking of the Old Spice sailor from the company's 1971 television commercial.

"Oh, he was one sexy sailor man, you betcha," wrote Palin in her syndicated newspaper column. "He reminded me of Todd but with more hair, and ya know, more knotical [sic], like."

Friends of Palin indicated that she'd still prefer the new Old Spice Guy over Johnston, and has resolved that if Bristol and Old Spice Guy are to marry, she's prepared to just pretend that he's "very tan."

[Read the rest at CAP News.]