Sunday, December 11, 2005

This week's column:
Shopping's been merry, merry good to me

Although department stores still hire scary women to squirt you with perfume for no good reason, I'm happy to report they've finally done one good thing: stopped the willy-nilly throwing around of the offensive term "Merry You-Know-What." (I'm hesitant to say the actual phrase since it's been known to spontaneously turn people into Christians against their will; this is why during the Crusades, knights made a common practice of offering Yuletide greetings to heathens right before the beheadings.)

After all, one need look no further than the Constitution, which says very explicitly that no one should be subjected to such abject proselytizing while they're buying underwear. It's right between the part that says we have the right to use a .50-caliber assault rifle to subdue deer and the section entitled "Abortions for Everybody!"

Sure, when department store clerks say (OK, I'll say it) "Merry Christmas," it may sound like they're just offering a friendly seasonal greeting. But what they actually mean is, "May this underwear go with you in Christ," or "May this underwear fill you with the blessed glory of His undying love." Or maybe more to the point, "May these be the underwear in which you burn in hellfire if you don't embrace the one true Lord." They're crafty, these department store zealots.

For the rest of this week's AT LARGE by Peter Chianca, click here.


Underachiever said...


I think congress just passed a law where it states that the only appropriate holiday greeting is a half-head nod followed by a "Yo!"


MuppetLord said...

Alternatively, they could actually be wishing you a Merry never know.

smudge said...

A Merry WHAT??? Okay Christian Soldier. ;)

Yes I agree that it is sad we can not have a Christmas party in our office. We can't even have a holiday party. We have an employee appreciation dinner. WTF is that? If they want to appreciate us, pay us more. Don't serve up a half-ass buffett. (I think that was what they served last year actually)

How about this: Everybody can celbrate (or not) whatever they like (or not) and wish similar seasons greetings (or not) to each other and we'll all just say thank you and the same to you. Won't that be nice?

Example: Happy Hannauka!
Response: Thanks! You too!

Example 2 (Increased Challenge Rating) : Merry Christmas!
Response: Thanks! and a Happy Hannauka to you!

Example 3 (Advanced Class):
Merry Christmas!
Response: Thanks and a happy consumer driven bastardization of a celebration of a non existant force based on an earlier holiday stolen from pagans worshipping an equally non existant force to you as well!

See! There's room in this world for everyone! Now shut up and be Merry Dangit!

Anonymous said...

I'm still mortified to see how many people are falling for the whole 'War on Christmas' propaganda.

Sigh... I wish people weren't so stupid.